Saturday, January 31, 2009


this is the latest path if and when it goes (mt Redoubt)
it was worse a couple of days back, when the winds were SW. earlier they were W, now they are somewhere in between.
the last one in august 18th 1992, gave us 3" of ash. *ick*

so until it blows all it is speculation, nothing more.

I keep panicking that I have to go stock up, then I start tweaking, and making everyone else miserable. then some one gives me a piece of chocolate and I am amused for 10 minutes (the time it takes to forget that I am tweaking)
it is what it is, and it will do what it will do.
Nothing I can do about that.
I have a chocolate tummy ache!

I am playing fairy and sewing a kuspuks for Napoleon Dynamite.

Friday, January 30, 2009

oogie,ookie. icky

another therapy day this time more accomplished than just no fuse girl presenting open hostility. I was on pixie hollow tonight before The shut down for maintained service, and this really MEAN fairy said my goggles looked dumb, and I had already asked her to be my friend as I am a friendly fairy( I have allot of friends,) she said she had enough friends and didn't want to be mine. I should of lied and told mean fairy that tinker gave me my tinker goggles (she didn't) when I am being my tinker fairy I don't expect bossy boots, and meanies.
so I am sulking tonight hoping I sleep the night as I didn't yesterday.
I am Princess Crabby Pants.

Friends, please take time to take my quiz as to what kind of fairy talent are you?
It will be fun trust me.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


representative image
Click for higher resolution image.Redoubt volcano

the hot pick line is Anchorage's fall out line.

Folks, we are in alert, as Mt Redoubt is making noise as to erupting


Anyone in AK remember Mt. Spurr in August of 1992?
Remember Mayor Fink telling us all to drive faster to dissipate the ash fallout?
I was living in Mountain view at the time throwing newspapers for the daily news.
We threw papers any ways. I was 22 and STUPID. and we were covered in ash.
The sulfuric smell was aweful.
who know what Redoubt wiil do. I am not looking forward to this.
just in case start taking precautions, if in south central AK.

thanks to Freedom for the heads up, who is excited and looking forward to it.

WTF? *sigh*


1. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everyday'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'..... .

3. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you continue to behave like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends.'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mum fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush

true story of JUSTICE WTF???

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with some grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous television cameras and pleaded with the burglars: ''Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.''

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.

The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: ''Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sis. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.''



Think About It

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


stress and pain are making it impossible to type right now, words are coming out wrong, so I take break. love you all.

British humor


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.'How long will this take?'
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

therapy today

therapy today I am totally drained, to much to even spell, will be back tomorrow, with the worlds most pathetic cat.

thought before sleep, or weekend shopping for shoes

me and one of my guy friends went shopping for shoes Saturday, just getting out of the house, the handicap sticker, parking and the slow trudge to the mall, in and around people running me over as I travel FAT speed *very slow*. so we get to one of the shoe stores. why am I here? you may ask gentle reader... I am the procurer of the best deals, The "miracle"worker to my friends, some of my bad habits from my previous life are now used for the powers of good.
So silly guy needs shoes for new fancy job, and so he takes me for a drag through the mall.
So we go in as I had called 1/2 a dozen stores and checked on the internet, and settled on this one first with a back up close in the mall. I am always prepared, have to be when you are as fat and crazy as I am. (you can tell my stress level from how big my purse is when I go out, little purse, little stress, big purse.... RUN! meltdown in progress. which sucks cause I need someone for me and someone else for the purse.
not Saturday everything in my pockets, Traveling light and working in my element, the deal.
So these very nice very pretty boys wait on us. and no surprise I have the shortest hair cut of the 4 of us. a very metro vibe going on here, so my friend is ready to run. I love this store as they hire gay men, who always call me dear, and are busy color coordinating the purses and bags, and t shirts and shoes. both male and female of each which take up there perspective side of the store. So my friend is looking for Lugz as the have lasted him 4-5 years with some shoe goo, but not fancy dress shoes any more. (fancy for him is clean and color coordinated, he is so proud when he dresses himself and he matches. he is not a metro, a cave troll maybe.) fortunately for him I can hit second hand stores, and I know his size (Seamstress) and I hug him a lot, so I know what will and won't fit and I have color coordinated him in creams, soft yellow and khakis on the bottoms and for the dress shirts blues greens and yellow to cream, some solids, some plaids and pin stripes, and everything will go with everything. remember granimals, the kids line? where they had an animals that would match tops with bottoms, fool proof kind of thing. well that's what i have done for him.
so we are in the shoe store and he has a 11 E foot. so we are limited as to what he can wear, and he doesn't like his toes to be pinched, hey no prob, suck shoes not allowed. (being as heavy as I am I stick to crocs, or rics, or holeys, or burkies. owie feet suck)
so he is looking at a pair of butter colored suede shoes. NO!
it is winter and being that he takes the bus and still goes to school and does allot of walking OUTSIDE, that is a bad idea and explain it to him. cream pants got a stain have to wash and iron them, what will you have to do to the shoes, EVERYDAY?
he gets that light bulb look and we move on to a darker pair of doc martins, as the lugz in his size are sold out. so for 99.99 a pair of shoes with a warranty of some sort so maybe in 4 or 5 years when he has trashed them as long as he keeps his receipt they will send him a new pair, so really that brings it down 1/2 price in the long run and the look like a well made shoe, Except for the rubber sole color that reminds me of x-ray film. looks really weird, and it is ribbed, which by then the guys are making "for her pleasure"jokes. so I am still not sure about the shoe, so they show us timberlands. they are all shammy yellow well most of them and they are 130.00 a pair. so I ask so what comes with that price, a warranty? something good? NOPE, that's just for the name, nothing else but the shoe. Not missing a beat- I ask, so does that come with a blow job? is there hidden gold in it? NOPE, just the shoe. those freaky doc martins are looking, *fab-u-lous!* guess what ones he bought? the DM"S and he has a comfortable shoe, with a warranty.
Moral of the story? name don't mean squat except for those that profit off of it.
And it is fun to take cave trolls shopping to meet Metro's. I love all my friend so much.
What I want, my dream is a cute Boi that I can go shopping with, and watch men with and just do girl things. J, me and cave troll, we all go girl watching together, it is fun.
thanks for reading.

Monday, January 26, 2009

lighter side

I will make the next couple of posts lighter in content! thanks for reading

an open letter to my family

I have been doing a ton of work on myself lately. and one of the things that I have been working on is ending hopeless relationship, (Not that we have ever had or have one now)
As a result, I have thought long and hard about this. I think we all realized this was coming along time ago. I have never fit in to the family, and there is no point keeping sending postcards of "I'm okay, hope you are". Dad, to you I am a mistake, I'm not a mistake but a reminder of your failures to me. I have allot of your good traits and plenty of your bad ones along with the mess of my mothers family. I am tired of pretending, that "one day... you will all love me and it will all be okay" it never has been and never will be. I'm the reminder of all of the failures and bad things. I remember when I was 18 and you guys had moved and I called to ask if I could come live with you as my world was falling apart. and I got the "no" and the never will be good enough speech. "thin, pretty, smart enough, or the right~ job, house, car, husband, kids, retirement." I have ALWAYS wanted it to be different. I wanted at one point to fit in and be loved by you. I'm me though, and it was never good enough. You helped bring me into this world, and screwed me up by either action or none at all. there were so many times I needed you, You could of taken us when the divorce was final. You picked yourself, over me and my brother, you fought for him, as I was always the pampered liar. You have no idea what that woman did to me. and with the pictures you had of (my brother) you could of gone to the authorities and they would of given you custody. You had to save you and only you. then you married the perfect wife with the perfect children. do you know why the state made you take me and (my brother)? I truly believed that if I went back to my mother that she would kill me, and they believed me. You understood how dangerous she was to you? You have said that you would of drank yourself to death if you had stayed with her. What do you think she was doing to us? You ignored when I would call for help. it has been that way all of my life. Not for one moment do I think that any of you are getting away with anything. I never have. You did your duty as the state required. I always wished I was good enough, You know what, I am. I have been on my own all of my life. I have made horrible mistakes and choices, and I have payed for them with my soul, I have what I have earned, we all do. I got clean, and I thought that "Now I will be good enough" No one cared. My life means nothing to any of you. I got the chicken pox, and you told me when I could finally get a hold of you, (I know you have a life, and it has always been more important than anyone else) " that anyone who was anybody had your cell phone # " have you ever been kicked in the head? cause that was what it was like when you said that. I never knew you had one let alone your#. It finally hit me (thank god) You truly have never cared. It was a shock to me. As if your treatment of me my whole life wasn't an indicator. Your abandonment of me has effected every relationship I have ever had. I now know where I got the "I'm gonna hurt me before you hurt me thing" came from. I have a man that loves me, the first man to love me in my entire life, the only man that has ever loved me, and I am afraid because of all of the bullshit between you and I. Well, I am working to over come that harder than I have ever worked before. I need this mans love, it is healing me. We are healing each other. And you know what, You wouldn't like him. I am the most important thing in his world, period.
It took me forever to realize that I am good enough, strong enough and people love me. My whole life has gotten me to this point, and every decision you had ever made, and everyone before you. I have a life worth living, and for that I am grateful to you for bringing me into this world, as I am to my mother. I am figuring out what my purpose is and making a difference in my life and those around me. despite everything I am growing into the most beautiful person, with a life I never dreamed possible. I have worked very hard for all of this. and if it matters not one bit to any of you then??? what can I do, nothing. EXCEPT end the charade that I have a family somewhere that will love me one day IF I am good enough. I am thankful to you all for helping getting me to this point of my life, and now it is time to say good bye, for good. I can't say I forgive you, that's not up to me. this is my life and has been for a long time, it is time to stop blaming you for what has happen. it is just that it happened, and it is over and done. and can't be taken back, relived or any other notion, I can and will move on, keeping my eyes forward and my feet under me. I thank you for the life lessons, as I wouldn't be me today with out them. I am not going any further with any of you. I will live my life and be grateful that I have my friends and my loved ones. I wish you all whatever happiness you can find or have earned. there will be no further contact, I wish you all a full and well life. I end it here.

this is a letter i sent to my father and that side of my family right before thanksgiving this last year. (Her Psychoticiness, got a verbal one of these 3 years ago, and no contact since then.)
this is part of my therapy that I am doing well part of a pod, of interpersonal effectiveness, IE setting boundaries, saying "no", putting myself first, ending hopeless relationships.
I didn't have to mail it. I did though. I am tired if writing letters and burning them to release them then writing them again a month later. I needed some action and closure. Now in mailing this to my Father, and such I had no want of a return letter, just mailing it was enough, whether it ever got there was ever opened or even read. I wanted it, *needed* sent.
that's when the nightmares bloomed, nothing is without consequences. I have to date not gotten a response, Thanks to what ever. and I knew I wouldn't ever get a response. that's how my father is.
now this is why I now have a Cardiologist, as the stress of sending this cause a force 10X infinity panic attack that they thought was having a heart attack.
they say the only way out is through, so through the pain I go.
See there is a quandary, I don't work through these issues and they *will kill me*. if I do It feels like I am dying. that is the reason I was a poly substance abuser for so many years. (they the ex's (experts)) put me on Thorazine at 14. things developed from there and in 1994 my Grandmother died, couple of very abusive marriages in between and a now current ex (shemale) was a huge drug addict. monkey see monkey do. so between the meds that they were giving me,(every dr has a pill) and the ones I was begging for and getting. (dr's will give you anything if you make a big enough scene just to get you to go away.) and the ones that my new wonderful drug dealing friends were giving me (hint they give them away before they start charging) and Oh how you pay. So I spent allot of time higher that a kite.
I didn't do drugs cause they were fun.... THEY SUCKED, especially the withdrawals, doing the drugs and what I chose to do to get them, as a matter of fact everything about the drugs sucked. (and the effects are still with me to this day, You *never stop paying*)
I was lucky that I was never arrested, ever. just spent lots of time in the local loony bin(or at least it felt like it) spent most of my life between 400lbs to 550+ (that wall of fat keeps me safe...) yeah *right*. the pain of my life was unlivable I wanted to die and was to scared to do it quick, so an inch at a time here and there. I did the drugs that you felt nothing. all I wanted was to be completely blotto. it seemed better than dealing with my past and present.
that was then. this is now.
I have some meds for real conditions(which I would of killed for to have something actually wrong with me, that they could physically see or diagnose) I could be a PM patient. I refuse. I know where that will lead. I get up every day, as my job is being me, and I do the best I can. I chip away at the pain when I feel strong, like now. I have a new therapy thing in the works, and I will work on it till I feel like I am going to die. it always gets worse before it gets better. Pandora Radio is Playing Space Oddity, god how apt.
It will a hurt a bit for a while, (oh who am I kidding I will wish that I had been only kicked in the head repeatedly) while I work on this new (or not so) issue, new person old issue.
and I will work on it till something in me gives, then I will have a bit of a break down and take a break till it starts all over.
It is like an infected wound, You have to clean and cut away the bad before you can take the steps to let it start to heal. then it starts to heal and is tender and itches, and finally there is a scar, but no open infected wound. then you move on to the next one.
So I am back to work on myself again, dealing with something I can no longer ignore, part of a larger life problem. I know it is time when things just come out all at once, like the letter above, that was the last one. the next one came out tonight. and I will take it to my therapist tomorrow, and she will help me with it and some of my friends will have there input. ultimately it will be my words stripped of all of the unnecessarily-ness. Then it will end up in the hand of the rightful current owner.
that is the dilemma, when a old wound is opened by a new person they get all of the other old crap too, if you are not *very* careful. that's why it gets written and strained for traces of old hurt, so it is specific to the current situation, while dealing with an over all problem.
Everyone is a teacher, whether you like it or not.
if you don't like something about them,(probably cause it strikes to close to home in something you don't like in you or your life) or something that they are doing(once again see above).
They say you learn until the moment you die.
At least I am now awake, and dealing with things far once to painful to even be in the same body with.
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger or makes you want to die.
I love Irony, I never understood it. I do now.
what makes it all worth it? I have this minute, right now, more than I was expected to have.
and I no longer hear "shut up and take your meds, we never expect any more of you than this with your life history how could we?"
I will never be right... BTW what is "right"?
how can I be something that I don't even know exists.
I *am* another human making my way in the world, doing the best I can.
not trying, doing.

What else is there? Oh, death... I am not ready yet. and I am not going without one hell of a fight... just the old hurt, an unnecessary part that once served me to live that are no longer an asset, but a huge determent. that part of me can go away.
Maybe that is why my grandmother went out screaming. she decided that she didn't want to live anymore, that she had no reason. then when she was going to die and could do nothing about it. the warrior in her that is the warrior in me kicked in, and got really angry. maybe she saw what she was a party to in life and how she wouldn't live to see me break the cycle. She was the strongest and weakest woman i have ever met. sometimes I go to her grave and curse her, and sometimes I go to sing to her and lay on her grave and talk to her to tell her what she is missing, what she gave up on. I don't know whether to hate her, or to just...? I don't know.
I don't know if she would recognize me, or even like me. I am turning in to everything she wasn't, and couldn't be.
I am different and I still love her even if I don't like the person she was.
she was my best friend, my first love, my temporary mother, very limited protector, and a horrible human being.
I wonder where/who she is now.
is she finally getting it, that pop, when your head leaves your ass?
is she happy?
I hope so. I have something she never had
I love you where ever you are, who ever you are, you crazy old bat.
here's to dead sometimes loved ones.
thanks for reading...

Boobies and what they mean....

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

last nights dream...

life is a race,
death is hot on your heels.
You can run from universe to universe,
he will still catch you.
It doesn't mean that you aren't the best runner ever,
death is better than you,
he has been chasing things down since the beginning of time.
So your choices are run from,
running from death,
running from your life,
hitting the wall,
being stopped dead.
Running to.
on your way stopping and living your life,
from universe to universe.
running to the finish line,
meeting death with open arms,
winning the race.

I truly hate being chased, it's a thing from my childhood like everything else is. I think I know why. sometimes I am running to stand still. never getting any where and hoping death will catch me. I have "friends" (other really crazy people I know) that keep hoping for a terminal illness. they are to scared to live to frightened to take there lives, (not that they don't keep trying.) had a friend who rented a hotel room and sat in the tub and drank 3/4th of a gallon of antifreeze, and put the hair dryer in the tub with her. the hair dryer didn't kill her not even close, it ran in the water blowing the water around. she was trying to poison and electrocute herself. neither happened, the antifreeze made her really sick, last time I saw her she couldn't stand the smell of dry erase markers. the police broke down the door, and she was so mad ( she had let someone know what she was doing, hence the police and the massive hotel bill and ban). or another will take her weekly med cassette the whole thing at once and get sick then have to go to the clinic and get her meds doled out to her daily for a while.
they really don't do anything other than get pissed off and piss everyone else off, and make there life harder.
Now there are a don't wish for what you want things. I am *NOT* actively suicidal or para suicidal, what changed?
I was clean for 6 months (3 1/2 years ago) and I developed stage 5 kidney failure, with less that 3 months to live, My dr's exact words in July of 2005 were " You won't live to see snow on the mountains(October), make your funeral plans." here I had what i had always wished for!
It is never as nice as romanticized, TRUST ME!. I got really pissed. I had just begun to live and I was going to die. In treatment I had as an assignment to write my own obituary. not many people do this one, I did. It was *pathetic*. I hadn't done anything, had anyone that loved me, and had to put died at home of "natural causes"( anything you see that or had an "accident at home" means SUICIDE) unless they are over 50 and specify an long illness, or heart failure, or cancer.
So here I was going to die, and my partner J. told me that I could go out as a pain in everyone's ass or I could go out happy. then he went to his room and broke down and swore he would never love anyone again.
So I got happy I looked at the mountains *allot*, quit most of my meds, quit smoking, got rid of anyone toxic, or anything toxic in my life and settled down to live what I had left of my life.
Well, I didn't die. They know that I was in total renal failure by what my kidneys are doing to day. the kidney specialist that I had at the time (ASSHOLE) didn't want to do a biopsy cause I was dying and they didn't want to torture me. I have a better one now.
Ya know what she told me, next attempt, wouldn't be an attempt. I would be dead. that my body couldn't handle it, and to knock off the stupid shit. I love her.
You know what has gotten me through? J.
he won't stop loving me no matter how hard I pushed, and no matter what i did. If I was going to die I was going to take him with me. he might as well be dead if I wasn't around.
How's that for playing dirty?
I love him and I will cause his death if I die.
what incentive....
There are many years of damage to undo, by myself and others. I work on it every day. and boy is it a picnic... with poison food and man eating tarantula's.
things keep popping up, (this is life what did I expect? tea and roses, that it would be fair or fun?)
not sure what the original hurt is, there has been so much.
more than some.
less than others.
You know what i have figured out to be true, I am more like the rest of you than I am not.
that pain is pain, broken arm to broken leg? it all sucks and hurts.
every body has shit and sunshine in there life.
Nobody gets away with nothing. I haven't, EVER.
I don't need to be there to see other get what is coming. the universe has it's way of sorting everyone out.
My grandmother, the best of a bad lot, still no picnic herself, went out *screaming* with her last breath. not a death rattle, a psychotic scream, either she was warning them she was coming, or she didn't like what was coming. either way it's between her and what
another truth? that today is one more day than I am supposed to have.
My grandmother called us the cockroach of the Irish. when she died she was 78 and it still took her 3 months to starve to death at starting weight of 98 lbs, after surgery. some cancer some heart, some what ever. they said that if she had took treatments that she would still be alive and live to over 100. that woman had more strokes and heart attacks than anyone I have seen.
My mother who is 65 (I have mentioned Her *Psychoticiness* (like Her *Magistracy* who is how I will refer to her from now on) ) has had cancer 3 times, major cancer, like there is anything other??????? kind.
thyroid& para thyroid, cervical, and breast.
as she is still living in public housing not more than a mile from me.
she changes all of her locks as her payee will let her.
someone keeps breaking in and steals her bird food and dish soap.
*HINT* She feeds her bird, and someone(chore person, if she can keep them) washes her dishes.
one of my mothers lovely diagnoses is a Paranoid Schizo Affective.
we will go into her driving escapades later, and the times I have talked the ER dr's out of committing her to the local loony bin.

So things to be grateful for:
1) one more day than I was promised(I'm on borrowed time, and it is cool, and very freeing, cause no matter what happens I have won.)
2) nobody or biddy gets away with anything!
3) Her **Psychoticiness** is living her days out alone!
if I seem cruel, Oh well...
I can't even begin to count the time she has personally tried to kill me.

We all have our demons some still wear skin suits, others only live on in nightmares.
Till next time!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Why I hate Web MD

Web MD
Better Information,
Better Health


this IS *not* a good site. that's why there are dr's.
But these days dr's look at Web MD.
*Why did they go to school?*

Are you comfortable with *your* dr going on Web MD.

I am sure that I could go on Web MD and take my head ache (which is due to dehydration, due to my meds and cold weather)(try not drinking water for 6 hrs and living on soda or coffee and Not having a migraine, most problems and aches and pains can be contributed to poor diet and lack of water IE constipation!) and end up with a diagnosis of terminal illness like brain cancer.

I love that the world is better informed, But with a nation of Hypochondriacs, this is not good.
people either completely ignore there health or they are in a dr's office every week (if you have insurance ) or the ER. this takes time away from the people that need real health care, and have true aliments.
As a recovering Hypochondriac, I hate this site for the symptom checker. Now site I do like are med checkers like or

or support sites like

I believe in support and education NOT *self diagnosis*
even dr's don't treat themselves, they have a dr.
I am all for being healthy. I have not been for most of my life, and I am paying for that.
I have to be informed, and aware of my body, and I can't do that if I am all drugged up, as *EVERY* dr had a pill.
I have a cardiologist, a endocrinologist, a nephrologist, a neurologist, a PCP, sleep dr, and oby/gn, a dentist and oral surgeon, a psychiatrist and therapist, and an *acupuncturist*.

Wanna know which one I have faith in and do most of my listening to *the acupuncturist*.
Know why? cause she tells me to listen to my body. does things that work with my body, and is helping where western medicine has failed.
Now there are no quick answer and pills, there is lots of treatments with home care and lifestyle change, and chinese herbs. OMG *HARD WORK*
Don't pass out now. I did say no magic pills, wands or magic cures. *HARD WORK*
OMG I said it again, did you just faint? Go, go to Web MD and do a symptom check, that panic was stupidity and laziness.... OMG I just diagnosed you, I'm not a DR, I can get in trouble.
PssssT... Diagnosis or not You are screwed! people my size are the norm and getting more so. by the time I have worked my ass off literally, I will be a minority.
So eat that double whopper with cheese and don't forget to super size. that gastric bypass is just a dr visit away.
Psssst... My mother had one done in the late 1970 the predecessor to what we have now, and ya know what? She is still 300lbs. YEAH! it worked. She is 65 and shits herself regularly, doesn't digest any of her food as they completely unhooked her small intestines (which BTW are still in her body completely necrotic) and took most of her intestines out and what was left got hooked to the bottom of her stomach.
And *guess what*? she wants a lap band.
My mother is responsible for my formative years, and then I took all of the garbage and shit, and made my life out of it. we won't even go into the really sick stuff.
My mother wasn't happy unless she was seeing a dr, getting cut on or taking one of the 10,000 pills that she has.
Thank GOD I can remember her screams as she would go to the bathroom.
she has had screaming razor blade shits for 30 some odd years. (Folks nobody get away with anything)
I don't know how many years this totally psychotic woman has left, but they aren't happy years, they are screaming and shitting years.
It gives me some sense of comfort.
needless to say when she gets really sick I won't be the one to take care of her, like she took care of my dying grandmother. or will my brother as she has totally alienated him(fact is he is totally alien, Keep popping them out!)
My mother is totally alone a *CRIMINALLY* insane.
and some wonder how I have made it this far intact.
pssst... I am hanging by a thread, untangling the razorblades of my life, and trying to heal and have a life and keep the dr's from killing me.
Ya know what? The dr's tell me to do something, and don't tell anyone, I do the exact opposite!!!
then I go in to an appt and they say "oh you are doing so *good* what ever you are doing, keep it up!" then I tell them, and I become a difficult patient and they fire me.
they would prefer to keep me chronically ill, and a cash cow for them, then to see me health and make it. so to dr's and such and Web MD....
if I have to say what I am thinking them this message is lost on you. thanks so much for you participation.
And if you got it, take a hard look at your life and the system.
this is not a dress rehearsal, get out there and do what you body needs.
You can't try, you either do or don't, that's it.

this message brought to you by the letters *F *U *C *K *E *D

Friday, January 23, 2009

Me as a fairy...

this is what I do for fun. I AM SO COOL! click to enlarge on the picture.

I am a tinker fairy named Hurricane Starglimmer, and that is a picture of my house in pixie hollow.Tinkerbell is one of my friends!

"Wash Your Hands"

The Title here says:- "Wash Your Hands".

If you don't ever watch videos, make an exception & watch this!!!

The fourth image in the fourth file

here we go as I tagged myself!

this is a mask made by my dear friend PJ Williams, who we lost december 26th 2007.

I had only known her a couple of months, it seemed like forever, she was one of those people that I had felt that I had known forever. I have the last 2 masks she made, ever. they were Christmas gifts to 2 of my friends. when they heard that PJ had passed, Betty and Jana gave me back the masks as I was going to have PJ make me one when she was feeling better.
She never got better.
She left behind a wonderful husband and 3 great kids( 2 sons and a daughter).
She was an ARTIST, a face and body painter, one of the best I have ever seen. She was also and actress and wife and mother, with too many other things that she did to be named.
She went quick, and A HUGE hole was left in her passing.
Everyone that knew her misses her so much, I have to stop as I am crying so hard.
I love you PJ.

Here is a link to her husband and what she looked liked and some of the things she did.

Master Numbers in Numerology

Master Numbers in Numerology

Numbers 11, 22, 33 and 44 are the notable master numbers in numerology. This article briefs on numerology and the master numbers in numerology. Read on to know more.
Master Numbers in Numerology
Today, numerology is associated with divination and occult. Numerology was used by many mathematicians such as Pythagoras. However, most of the modern scientists consider numerology as psuedomathematics. Numerology as a whole is the study of numbers and their meaning. Numerology helps in understanding your personality with the help of the numbers. Before we delve into the master numbers in numerology, you must have an idea what numerology is all about.

In the 600 BC, the Greek philosopher and mathematician, Pythagoras developed his theory of numbers. He developed the Pythagorean conversion table where he assigned values 1 to 9 to each alphabet.

1 = AJS; 2 = BKT; 3 = CLU; 4 = DMV; 5 = ENW; 6 = FOX;

7 = GPY; 8 = HQZ; 9 = IR

Using these values you could find out the name and birth number. Certain characteristics and personality are associated with every numerical value that is derived by summing up the value of your full name. It takes into consideration the sum of the date of birth. Check out this example:

Name given by the parents: Mary Smith.

The corresponding value of the alphabets is given in the Pythagorean table.

Name number: 4+1+9+7+1+4+9+2+8 = 45

Reduce the above value to a single digit by adding them, 4 + 5 = 9.

DOB= 28-04-1968

Birth number: 2+8+0+4+1+9+6+8 = 38; 3 + 8 = 11. This is again reduced to single digit, 1 + 1 = 2. The birth number is also known as life path number.

Each number is given a few personality traits. Take a look at them:

1 - Creative, independent, egoistic and self-centered
2 - Considerate, cooperative and very sensitive
3 - Friendly, superficial, artistic and sociable
4 - Practical, loyal and rigid
5 - Enjoys freedom, travel and is highly adaptable
6 - Responsible, understanding, jealous
7 - Spiritual, wise and suppressive
8 - Management ability and unscrupulous
9 - Romantic, genius, humanitarian

Master Numbers in Numerology

Most of the numbers are reduced to single digits or single vibrant numbers. However, there are four numbers that are known as the master numbers in numerology. The numbers eleven (11), twenty-two (22), thirty-three (33) and forty-four (44) are the four master numbers in numerology.

The four master numbers in numerology are highly vibrant compared to their single digit numbers. These numbers possess strong vibration and emphasis on a greater learning and experiences. According to the numerologists, the master numbers are very challenging and it takes time to integrate these vibrant numbers into one's personality traits. This is one reason why master numbers are known as late bloomers. For instance, the master number 11 when reduced gives you the values 2. Hence, all the characteristics and personality traits (strength and weakness) of number 2 is associated with the master number 11. This number is also known as the psychic number and it represents a highly sensitive and intuitive characteristic trait.

Similarly, the master number 44 is considered to be an important number by the alchemists. It is believed that people who are born under this number has the ability to create magic around themselves and others. These people are visionaries and have a great desire for knowledge regarding the mysteries of life.

Numerology is a vast topic. There are people who practice numerology as part of their special interest. Some practice numerology as a profession and are called as numerologists.

well I just did the math and my #'s are 1, 3, 7, & 8. ( I made a math error, math has never been a strong point. I thought the 6 fit only with the Jealousy)
And when J. my partner and I talked about it, all I could remember was the negative and the artistic. I asked him how I could be an egoist with little to no self esteem. he explained that the selfishness of thinking that the world revolves around me, so we are at Narcissism, which is one of my diagnoses of the personality disorders (they were learned! Thanks once again to my blood family! You bunch of psycho's!) (No anger there at all HUH?) (I'm working on it!)
very interesting considering when you discuss it with someone who know you better than you know yourself. (J. you scare me that you are so in my head, THANKS! you make all of this easier, I don't have to tell you how much I love you, I just do!)

I wish I was a 2 and a 9 (J. is a 9) I have spent all of my life running from my sensitivity. When you can see things that no one else can see, know things that others don't know and such, like I do and was called crazy and tortured for that. I have suppressed it for so long, and that is MY major obstacle in this life, what was so freely available in my other lives and used is blocked in this one. I am afraid of me. *SIGH*

take the test it is fun.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

get well soon

yes, I had most of my hair cut off. You want long hair YOU wear it.
I am bloated and feel like something ran me over, backed up ran me over again, dragged me 20 miles through broken glass shards, then fed me to pit bulls and Piranha's, took what was left put me in a h2SO4 bath, the everyone in the world took a collective toxic shit on me. do I need to be more elaborate?, nahhhhh.....

I am not feeling well, haven't for a while. so one of my lovely friends (Freedom!) sent me this link to cheer me up, and ya know what it did.

To quote her:
"Check this out:

Maybe this will help cheer you up because it's so absolutely absurd!"

I really love my friends, and considering that know where there are active anti abortion protesters, I would love to go ask them this ?. Nothing like pissing in someone's Cheerios.
Knowing me I would get arrested, for breaking one of there noses. I don't have a criminal record at all, and any violent thoughts are usually reserved for me alone, (Thank Family! You SUCK, and you know I know you do.) But I could see me popping one of those stupid bitches in the nose.
How DARE they tell me or any other woman what do do with our body.
the reason that women are oppressed, OTHER women, the ones that raised them (and me) that went along with the status quo.
Men don't keep us down(yes they started it to control the number of kids we would pop out for workers and furthering wealth for themselves) they couldn't of done it with out womens help.
Who raises the kids? the women or now TV, sometime a man(those kids are sometimes better).
I don't know what the answer over all is, I know what i am doing. breaking the cycle, in my life and for those around me. if I ever have a kid (god help me) it will be far better off than I was, shit if I gave it to piranha's, it would be better off than I was, at least it would die quick and serve some purpose other than a thing to torture. and to my siblings, Keep popping out more screwed up versions of our parents! YEAH!!!!

My horoscope to day said 1) if I owned scissors hide them (for the rest of you) and 2) that I was 10 feet tall and bullet proof.
Me I'm just sick and in a pissy mood. thanks for reading!



..Everybody has the right to be stupid, but some people are abusing the privilege.
.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
God made a few perfect heads, the rest he covered with hair.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
Procrastinate Now!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:

Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

This was a fun one out the the people it was sent to only one can't read it.

I was fine as long as I was reading and not trying to think about the whole thing.

I think it helps that I can read 163 words per minute. I can't spell worth a happy, Oh well!!!

The Amazing Mr. Riley!

Now You May ask, "Who is that Darling Mr. Riley?"

he is the grand baby (the first) of one of my best friends in the whole world, Chris!
If Chris or any of the rest of that lovely little mans family are any indication,
Mr. Riley will be the FIRST president of MARS!!!!

He is JUST that AMAZING!

this picture of me and Mr. Riley was taken when he was 6 weeks, and I got to meet him for the first time. (I wanted to see him sooner, the last thing his momma needed was another person gawking at the baby, when she need to heal and take care of the two of them)
So grandma brought him to see me. he is just the most perfect person ever.

Apparently he is near crawling, heads up world!

love 4

Again Mr. Riley, *Sigh*!

love 3

Again Mr. Riley, *Sigh*!

love 2

Again Mr. Riley, *Sigh*!

okay I am in love!

I present Mr. Riley. he was 5 months Sunday.

one day!

One sunny day in 2009, a young man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, somewhat agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"

Freedom sent this to me, what a friend!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


since I cannot see Bush or " W." get what he deserves then this is the next best thing. click below!


I'm Alive!!!

Well, went and saw the nice Dentist Dr. Guy. He WAS AWESOME!!!!

found out that I will need a crown on that tooth in July (the new year for my dental benefits)

he premedicated me. and this morning I had a Valium hangover. Note to self, next time rip off eyelids to distract from hangover.
The Valium truck ran me over and left me for dead.
I feel like pressed puppy poo.
(oh and I have a call into him for my tooth in front that is killing me.) only pain I have had in my mouth. he numbed my top and whole bottom jaw, due to my TN. see here and it will tell you about it.

I have been watching the Prez day festivities. Barack, ROCKS!!!

Truly one of the best things I have ever seen.
My prayers(or whatever it is that I do) are with him, Sen Kennedy, and all of us.

and to W.
na, na, na,
na, na, na,
hey, hey, hey,

You sucked as a president and a human being, I hope they prosecute you for war crimes and do to you what they did to Saddam! That *POP* won't be your head coming out of your ass, just parting it from you body, You Psychopathic Bastard.

That would be the BEST thing I have every seen!

Monday, January 19, 2009

too funny!

Social Worker vs. Pitt Bull

What's the difference between a social worker and a pit bull terrier?

At least you can get part of your baby back from the pit bull.

working on keeping from tweaking, Gotta go visit the dentist.

I have to go take some medication.

Usually I am medicated for YOUR protection.

today the extra happy pill is from the very nice very smart dentist and I am medicated for MY comfort.

Every time I get my monthly allowance of meds, J tells me to take " his " meds, as " his " meds are really my meds. and are for his (and everyone else's) protection.

He always said the only two kinds of people that he was afraid of are women and crazy people... so who does he end up with a CRAZY WOMAN, he spent 50 years avoiding both, did him NO good.
So here's the the man that makes my heart sing.... The rest of you owe him hazard pay. I just love him. God help you all.
and if you heard screaming in the background today between 2:45 and 3:45pm(AST) it's me with the dentist in my mouth with a drill and My TN acting up.
I'm not happy,(well which one are you?)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

saw the baby orangutan on Cute Times Ten

Reminds me that i need to take a pic of myself when i wake up... I have trolly doll hair. Friday, I had horns one on each side. me and my hair have an agreement I wash it and leave it alone. I own combs and brushes, I have to for on the odd occasion that I do a hair cut, and what used to take me 10 mins, now takes 4 hrs, with breaks.
reminds me that I need my hair cut a stripe put on.

Alaska life

"This is what my yard looks like at approximately 1015pm on a Saturday night!"
that is how that started this huge mass emails, and shock and bewilderment.

Alan (HEY!) mentioned it was a really nice photo and did she shoot it through the window, or use a special camera?
Knowing that Freedom's only working camera is on her very fancy cell phone I had to take a closer look at the picture. the following is what transpired.

+Oh and *update* on the moose picture, it was a bull one of 2, and she *petted* it on the nose, with only the bush between her, she said it was soft like a horses muzzle.
then she wanted to kiss it and then stab and eat it. She said it just up and ran away. She is working hard on becoming this years Darwin Award Recipient.
I told her at her wake we would serve moose.
People don't usually Brag about petting a moose, cause they don't live.

She also said that it wasn't going to come through the bush, that she was perfectly safe....

like hanging from a sky scraper buy single ply TP.

and there was no way that it would rear up and kick her with that HUGE bush between her and the moose, with a Second bull in sight. they just ran off and had gay moose sex.

And I am the crazy one???....


Chris's comment "ya only live once, why be careful...?"

Famous last Freedom words, "oh how cute, there is a big *bush* between us, Hey guys watch this....!"

We serious need to have a moose intervention.
she thinks she's at the petting zoo...

Freedom if you read this I love you, THAT WAS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE!!!!
Why not take up playing on the freeway in rush hour, or juggling running chain saws. it would be safer, and less painful.


P.s. she said she was safe cause she has been chased by moose before and she knows all of the warning signs. She doesn't understand why everyone is jumping her shit.

Moose are wild animals, and not safe to be around, they are coming into town due to cold, hunger and DESPERATION!
You never know who just hassled that moose. Moose kill. I am more afraid of a moose than *ANY* bear. bears will maul and eat you. Moose trample and kick and gore, and just very nasty way to go.+

Now poor Freedom was really upset that she was getting such a hard time. I don't blame her. when I do something comparable, I don't want to hear about it.
in telling this story to people in Alaska, I get mixed reactions. of from no way to oh I've petted a moose too.

being an almost life long Alaskan, I don't' know why I should be shocked. we are a bit different up here. From not being able to make it anywhere else, to too stupid to leave, to it's the most beautiful place to live. (I'm the too stupid to leave)
Being an Alaskan means being tough and crazy. Everyone that I love is.
most people have the sense that the first winter they run for the states or where ever they came from with there tail between there legs.
Some of us call it home. Hey our Governor Palin thinks Bono is the King of Ireland.

Freedom ended the discussion with she IS NOT STUPID, she is a collage graduate. (more than I am, I'm just a crazy person). she got told that the Jury is still out...

I do admire the hell out of her, she is a collage graduate, 10 or so years younger than I, 200lbs less at least, very pretty, very kind(she volunteers at the humane society) and VERY independent, and she can drive, has a car and a CDL.
If you see and talk to her ask her aboput the Great Escape of 2008, and how lucky she is, and the Aurora Borealis, and watching it on the hood of her car.

Bottom line I have great friends who are as crazy as I am, and not medicated. I love you guys.


I just names a star after my best friend James. it is in the Crux, or the Southern Cross.

that is where you can see the star I named after a VERY amazing man.

I love ya buddy!

I never knew that your temperatures could change so much from such low to such high. I imagined that you would just have snow and cold temperatures in the winter. We do get freakish weather all around the globe but I really have learned something to day. W,J.

Amen, sister... N,P.

those are the comments so far to my climate change post.

Down in the states they are saying that Fairbanks, AK, which is aways north (I am on the coast of South Central AK, and Fairbanks is in the interior almost smack dab in the middle of AK.) had 90 degree temperature change....

YEAH!!!! Now as of Sunday, which is about 10 hrs away. we are suppose to get down to 5 to 30 degrees above. currently it is sunny and 38 degrees.
I just took 2 pictures and yes my windows are dirty. They are not getting cleaned till spring, and I am NOT doing it.
My room is HOT (southern exposure) and the air conditioning has been on twice today and is going on again now.
I HAVE BEEN IN AK ALL BUT 2 YEARS OF MY LIFE (THE FIRST 2). sorry cap lock and lazy.
My blood is thick, as a southern Dr. would say.
I hate the cold I hate the snow I hate the heat.
I just don't like anything.
Bite me.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I think this is not goign to be a popular post, or email!

Well, I hope you find the following as fascinating as I do.
It was -30 (and going more into the negative temperatures in some places)
Then we get our annual Chinook winds, some time in January/February of every year that I can remember and that is at least 35 years. they are the very warm winds, that cause so much havoc. we now have inches of water over ice, a very deadly thing.

So I have include the cold snap pictures and now some of the warm ones. oh and BTW we are having 100mph winds in some places.

this all brought to you by global warming, greed and stupidity. Next time you see a Republican or and apathetic Democrat, thank them for all of there hard work in ruining the world, and an 80 degree + weather change literally over night. No, Global Warming is not a problem. It is a disease, and folks it looks terminal.

So sit back and watch the pictures in the links I sent, read the weather report and look at some of my pictures that I took while out today.

Ask yourself, how much worse it is going to get, before we take responsibility for this mess we are all in? And thank you I have had my part in making this world this bad too.
No none is an innocent bystander in this.





830 AM AKST FRI JAN 16 2009





620 PM AKST FRI JAN 16 2009

...Flood warning for urban areas and small streams in anchorage for chester creek at arctic blvd...

...Strong wind this evening...

Tonight... Rain likely in the evening...turning to scattered rain or snow showers. No snow accumulation. Lows in the mid to upper 30s. Southeast winds 20 to 30 mph with local gusts to 50 mph diminishing 10 to 20 mph toward morning. Along turnagain arm...hillside...and outlet of valleys...southeast winds 50 to 70 mph diminishing 20 to 35 mph toward morning.

Saturday... Cloudy with a chance of rain. Highs in the upper 30s to lower 40s. Variable wind to 10 mph.

Saturday Night... Cloudy with a chance of snow. Lows in the upper 20s to lower 30s. Light winds.

Sunday... Cloudy with a chance of snow. Highs in the upper 20s to lower 30s. Variable wind 10 mph.

Sunday Night... Cloudy with a chance of snow. Lows in the lower 20s. Variable wind 10 mph.

Martin Luther King Jr Day... Partly cloudy. Highs in the mid teens to lower 20s.

Monday Night through Wednesday... Partly cloudy. Lows 5 to 15 above. Highs in the mid teens to lower 20s.

Wednesday Night through Thursday Night... Mostly cloudy. Lows 5 to 15 above. Highs in the upper teens to mid 20s.

Friday... Cloudy with a chance of snow. Highs in the upper teens to mid 20s.

Low High
Today 37°F 50R°F
Normals 9 22
Records -27 (1951) 44 (1992)

Precip Snow
Today 0.12" 0.0"
Records 0.40 (1952) 6.7 (1952)

Sunrise Sunset
16 Jan 9:55 AM 4:27 PM

Daylight today: 6h 32m
Gain of: 04m 14s

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