Wednesday, July 28, 2010

what i did today or how bad can a person hurt?

I have IC/PBS. I have talked about it in some of my posts.
it hurts enough that I take meds for it.
part of my pain is that my bladder isn't as elastic or it is too stiff.
so when I had surgery in May the doctor stretched my bladder with liquid.
it hurt.
so along with stretching exercises and diet modifications I am now training my bladder.
"good bladder, sit, stay!"
what it means is I drink allot of liquid, and at scheduled times I get to pee.
and I try to make it as long as I can.
Imagine if you will, I have to pee, no I relax, and wait for it to pass.
did I mention it hurts?
and that my bladder hurts after it is emptied, it throbs like an abscessed tooth.
so I am also back in diaper's full time. in case I don't make it.
I haven't been drinking enough liquid.
I have today, OMGODDNESS!
so now to drink a ton of water before I go to bed!

so I went to the farmers market today. found some great stuff. it was expensive, so totally worth it.
The pictures will be on All you can stomach.
night all!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

humour! (Click to enlarge!)

tribute to the full moon that I can't see, due to poor weather conditions

Sister moon will be my guide
In your blue blue shadows I would hide
All good people asleep tonight
I'm all by myself in your silver light
I would gaze at your face the whole night through
I'd go out of my mind, but for you

Lying in a mother's arms
The primal root of a woman's charms
I'm a stranger to the sun
My eyes are too weak
How cold is a heart
When it's warmth that he seeks?
You watch every night, you don't care what I do
I'd go out of my mind, but for you
I'd go out of my mind, but for you

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun
My hunger for her explains everything I've done
To howl at the moon the whole night through
And they really don't care if I do
I'd go out of my mind, but for you

Sister Moon

Saturday, July 24, 2010


today has been less than steller.
thank whatever, I have a great support system.
I have been in the right place at the right time today.
when MM came home today from being laid off for personal reasons(read past posts) and yes he is still sober, he was able to hand me his final pay check. he didn't go to the bank, or the pawn shop or the dealer. he came to me, still in shock, and gave it to me.
he needs some kind of treatment...
problem being, he has been resisting me and my assignments. he is doing them, and he went to a meeting tonight. it rubbed him the wrong way. he said they were bashing women.
funny, he used to until he met me.

I cooked today, it is something that makes me happy.
I have a blog "All you can stomach"
problem is it is to hard to try and translate my recipes into things others can use.
"cook until it smells done" How do I explain that?
so I made my new bacon sandwiches, and 2 HUGE batches of Polenta.

as what to do now... if I get woken up tomorrow someone will be in a world of hurt.
now I disappear for a bit before my brain fries.

when it rains it pours.

MM just lost his job...

FM when catatonic for 2 days at home alone, I will spare you the details.


what is it with men?

or should I say little boys with grown up bodies?

now my latest tale of woe...

I rent rooms where I live. it is one of the reasons I keeping living in a male dominated environment. I get to pick the latest asshole...

I hope that they wont be an asshole but the latest one hasn't been here even 3 days and we are in to it.

once I rent the room they deal solely with my boss, the manager who is also my other half J. I have spoken about him here. they are told to lose my number and forget I exist, other than to stay away from me, if I choose to be friendly then it is solely on my terms.

so he calls me yesterday, I ignore it hoping that I don't have to play dragon. (ie fire breathing screaming bitch) he had J's # and finally called it, so business as usual. or so I thought. see I have caller id and call block. he calls this am and doesn't leave a message. still it shows that after J talked to him yesterday and retold him, he still didn't get it.
so J wakes me up to let me know what happened so I don't go ballistic.
he wanted to move a friend in with him. he was told when he moved it single occupancy only. with 16 rooms and 3 bathrooms we can't accommodate more than that.
so he is told to have his friend call me.

at this point they can all fuck off. I am being invaded and not happy. I tell his friend when he calls that under no circumstances will I rent to him as long as his friend is behaving badly, see there are still perks to living here that he has been cut off from with his rape like behaviour, and I DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR.
so asshole calls me back after I block his # and his friends.
I am on the phone with J. he comes down to deal with it. while he is on his way down I answer the phone, and give him the dragon. the J get on the phone and tells him a thing or 2.
and hangs up on him. shortly after he calls J's phone and says that he will never call me again, made some lame ass excuse and said he was sorry?
that he was sorry?
You have got to be fucken kidding me.

So now I am princess pissy pants and this is what I woke up for today?
needless to say I am in a steller mood.
I work on being a nice person, it is not easy for me. it is not what comes natural to me. the dragon does.

this is what I woke up today.
Why did I bother?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Brain Quiz

Click to enlarge!

Brain Quiz :This should help stimulate the old Brain Cells...
Answers at bottom

1. Why are 2009 dollar bills worth more than 2008 dollar bills?

2. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

3. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

4. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

5. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

6. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

7. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

8. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

9. What was the President's Name in 1975?

10. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

11. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

12. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers

1. Why are 2009 dollar bills worth more than 2008 dollar bills?
Answer: It's a dollar more.

2. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer: Johnny of course

3. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

4. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.

5. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

6. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

7. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

8. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

9. What was the President's Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama

10. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

11. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow

12. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack

a blonde

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!



WAL-MART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!


Have a fabulous STRESS-FREE day!!!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010



A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by
her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration
"Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The
girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster.' The little girl replied thoughtfully,

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Monday, July 19, 2010


things have really changed around here.
I have for the lack of a better word, 2 sponsees.
One male one female.
Now if I was in AA or NA that would be against the rules.
God do they love their rules.
I think since I am a Mentor they will be called Mentos!
I like a few things about AA, not much more. I am glad it works for those it does.
I was 6 months sober and told that my kidneys had failed and that I would be dead in 3 months or less.
Imagine if you will, with that knowledge, I go to an AA meeting.
"bitch, bitch. bitch, my mother doesn't like me (who's does?) I want a drink, my kid did this I need a al ad nausem"
"I would like to live longer than 3 months"
Blank stares....
Chorus "I need a drink!"
so I took what I wanted and left.
And now 5 some odd years later I am back with mentos, in tow on a Saturday night.
first book store, then decaf, then 9:30pm meeting.
all the fun you can have on a Saturday night SOBER!!!!
so we go, and it was okay. had to leave early to go after FM (female Mento) cause she was coughing, and couldn't breath. she she smokes ciggies.
fine for those who do. now they were harder to quit than heroin. I have been smoke free almost 5 years. she is smoking so much she can't breath and coughs until she smokes.
so I go sit with her to make sure she is okay.
she and I have similar abuse issues, and she doesn't feel safe for very good reasons, at meetings.
I hate predators.
so they are now both doing homework, homework that I did. and in all fairness I will do again, with them.
A refresher course will be good for me *GROAN*!!!
so in other future posts I will go into the ?'s I am asking them, and my responses to my own ?'s.
Male Mento=mm, Female Mento=fm
first post will be: *drum roll*
why is my addict unique and special and the rules don't apply to it.
what permissions does my addict have to ruin my life and how does it present it's self in my life?
should be fun!


and I was at Wal Mart this weekend, looking for new pants. as some one who is 465lbs I don't usually find things that fit me outside of a fat women's clothing shop!
well I found 2 pairs of 26/28/4X stretch jeans, that are cut off at the knees like I like my pants.(I have one pair of long pants and it has to be -40 degrees for me to wear them)
so I went and tried them on and they fit...HOLY SHIT, THEY FIT! THEY FIT! they fit?
that means that I am losing sizes if not weight. I was attacked when I was 100 lbs smaller. so I starting gaining weight to keep me safe. if I am fat and unattractive then men will leave me alone.
someone is still going to find me attractive and all I am hurting is me. I can't fight them off any better if I am 40 or 400 lbs.
so I figure if I eat (what I have turned to instead of drugs, etc...)
that I will be safe....
not working cause my body is trying to loose size and gain muscle.
everyone has figured that I have picked up 100lbs of muscle.
it is what it is...

My body and my brain are having it out.
the homework will help, the homework will help, the homework will help!
thanks for reading!

Sunday, July 18, 2010


Grandma Still Drives

Grandma Still Drives

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time and drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again real soon.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

welcome to shuang gan

nice to meet ya, hope you enjoy your stay!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I am not really surprised at the amount of love, support and similar stories of pain in the ass relatives, esp mothers and such.

one of the big things that I felt back when I was using that I was all alone in the world.
I have found out that I am not only not alone, but I am loved more than I could ever hoped for in my whole life.

the further away I am from my blood family, and the closer I am to my real family, the better I do, the more stable I am, and the happier I am.

I was always so pissed off that I didn't have a family like those I saw around me and on TV.
being pissed off never let me close to good people and propelled me toward the bad people much like my family, and further towards misery.

being near my mother this last week has been like me taking a dose of poison.
I have had misery and hate in my heart, and as a result I have gotten really sick.

No wonder my mother has had cancer 4 times, thyroid, cervical, breast and lymphoma.

well I am done being poisoned, and done with the hate. time to heal.

oh well...

I am sick with an ear and sinus infection, and on antibiotics. got my first decent night of sleep in a week.
mom called last night and I am ignoring her.
just can't deal with it and properly take care of myself.
I wanted so much for it to be different this time.
it wasn't. same shit different year.
there is a reason I have nothing to do with my blood family.
the only good thing they produced was me.(that is just my perspective)
my mother has made her life and now she has to live it.
and it will be with out me.
I hate that fact, not my mother.
she is what she is.

thanks so much for all of the love and support.
you all rock!

Getting old in Florida

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.


A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'


Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes.. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

Life is
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!

Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably..
And never regret
anything that made you smile

The best things in life are free until the government finds out and taxes it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

My mother 2

mom wanted me to come over Sunday. I could not move.
she is mad at me and tried to bate me into getting upset.
she is so full of hate, it is astounding. no wonder she has had cancer 4 times.
she expects me to take up the slack. I can't.
not just because of the physical.
she has some one who gets paid to do it and they aren't there.
she has made it clear that, that is what she wants.
when I told her that I would help her as long as she would let me, I meant just that.
she hasn't called today, another one of her games.

My mother is a very selfish person, she always has been.
it has always been about her and her needs. even as a child.
when I broke off contact in January of 2006, I did so because she force me to choose me or her.
I still choose me.
I have some very hard stuff ahead of me with her.
I will do what I can and not what she wants.
I have nothing to lose with her as there was never anything there.
time passes and I forget how bad she is.
enough of that for now.

as to my friend with the addiction. I cornered him tonight.
we have a budget, and he did some of his home work.
he has been ducking me, the last couple of days.
we had a long talk tonight, and I gave him allot to think about and explained further what I wanted from him, and I learned more about how bad it is for him.
the addiction is about as much the habits and rituals as anything.
he wants it and I have hope for him.

it is what it is. and for now it is working.
tomorrow is a new day.
lots of self care for me!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

so tired today, can barely move

Thick cloud - steam rising - hissing stone on sweat lodge fire
Around me - buffalo robe - sage in bundle - run on skin
Outside - cold air - stand, wait for rising sun
Red paint - eagle feathers - coyote calling - it has begun
Something moving in - I taste it in my mouth and in my heart
It feels like dying - slow - letting go of life

Medicine man lead me up though town - Indian ground -
so far down
Cut up land - each house - a pool - kids wearing water
wings - drink in cool
Follow dry river bed - watch Scout and Guides make
pow-wow signs
Past Geronimo's disco - Sit 'n' Bull steakhouse - white
men dream
A rattle in the old man's sack - look at mountain top -
keep climbing up
Way above us the desert snow - white wind blow

I hold the line - the line of strength that pulls me through
the fear
San Jacinto - I hold the line
San Jacinto - the poison bite and darkness take my sight -
I hold the line
And the tears roll down my swollen cheek - think I'm losing
it - getting weaker
I hold the line - I hold the line
San Jacinto - yellow eagle flies down from the sun -
from the sun

We will walk - on the land
We will breathe - of the air
We will drink - from the stream
We will live - hold the line

My mother

I went and saw her yesterday.
J, had me go in with a plan, and a schedule. thank god!
I got there at 12:15 pm and reset her cable boxes, put soda in the fridge and disposed of the garbage, the J brought me coffee and I had to run down stairs to get it while mom was on the phone with the cable guy. so I am soaked in sweat, and mom is mad I left her.
then she needs her feet and legs washed, so I do that and put the cream on them.
I find out that her worker is too rough and doesn't know her own strength, that is why my mother's hand is bruised, and as I look at it I can see that the bruises are finger print shaped. It was all I could do not to hit the roof.
so in washing her legs I see that she has shit herself, so I get her to the bathroom to change her diaper and wash her down with her wet wipes. then I gave her a all over wipe down.
then I got her back into bed and put drops in her eyes (she has tumors in them.) (did I mention that my mother still drives when she can't get anyone to help her?) it has been an hour and a half so I am soaking wet with sweat.
I leave to go to the gym to get a bath. I have less that 30 minute to bathe and dress.
I am out of breath when I am done. I go back and get her dressed and ready to go. she has to take 2 big bags to her car cause someone is stealing all if her stuff. (she is paranoid schizo affective)
to back up I talked to her Friday and made her a blanket which she loved. she didn't sleep Friday night so by the time we are ready to go to dinner she has been awake of 24+ hours.
so we get the stuff in the car and J shows up to take us to dinner. we get her walker in the car next to mine and I get her in the back seat. I had to lift her (she is 230lbs) then get her buckled in. so we are on the road to dinner and I and soaking wet with sweat and out of breath.
(keep in mind I am 460 lbs)
so we get to dinner and it is 4pm. I have been going since 10 am and running hard since noon.
the place has crab legs and is an all you can eat buffet (no surprise there, mom wanted to buy my meal and I told her no and you will see why in a minute)
I spent from 4 to 5:30 cracking crab legs, 2 huge plates.
I pack a soup bowl with crab for mom, and start on the next one for her, I got a plate and would crack a leg and take a bite. (I am a grazer, I like little bits of food now and then instead of a huge meal where you get sick and I have food allergies so I an careful what I eat.)
so I am almost done with the second bowl and mom THEN tells me that she is full of crab and that the bowl is for me. CRAP!
I had some crab for a birthday dinner 2 weeks or so ago, and it was spoiled and I got sick.
the last friggen thing I want to eat is crab, so I suck it up and put lemon on it and eat it.
I am so gacked at this point.
( why I didn't let mom buy me dinner? it is an all you can eat... she expects you to have 4 plates and stuff yourself till you want to vomit. she kept remarking how little I was eating, and that I needed to get my moneys worth. I ate what I wanted and I didn't eat to much, but she will bring it up for weeks, how I didn't get my moneys worth, and god forbid how she didn't have to pay for me eating so little)
so we go to the bathroom and mom has an accident which I help her clean up. so we wait for J to come and get us and we are talking.
she told me, because I have been asking about her care that she has all the help and hours that she wants from her PCA, and not to interfere.
I figured out that her PCA is suppose to work Monday thru Saturday, well last week she worked Monday thru Thursday and this week Tuesday thru Friday. I spent(yesterday) Saturday with her and no sign of the PCA.
Mom says that she doesn't have her work Sundays cause she wants longer days when her PCA works.
so either the PCA is not working her hours or she is just making the days she does show up longer, so mom has more time to do stuff.
Guess who she wants to take up the slack.
you got it. ME!
now during the 4 days she was left alone for the fourth of July weekend, she went hungry. she called my aunt and asked her to cook something for her, my aunt said that she doesn't cook any more. My uncle who is my mother's brother is 1 1/2 younger and has Alzheimer's.
so my aunts hands are full.
so I get her home and out of the car and get the stuff out of her car, and get up stairs and get her undressed and get her water and meds, and every thing taken care of it is 7pm.
I am so tired and can hardly breath.
I get home and it is all I can do to get up the stairs and get to my room. J and the cave troll got me into bed and meds and such and I passed out at 8pm. I slept but not soundly till 1 am and got up to an asthma attack. got J down here and he got me pain meds and I got on the computer and did some work.
so here I am. I hurt all over. my knees are jello.

My mother wants me to come over today and fetch and tote and etc.
I can barely move and I told her so.

mom on Friday wanted me to take her cat in and have it shaved and etc at the vet.
Minimum 350.00.
I don't have that kind of money.
I just wiped out my savings on fixing the car, that three of us drive.
so she wants me to shave her cat. I have no clippers. So I went to craigslist asking for clippers and on Freecycle. she wanted me to go buy a pair, and not a cheap one. when she buys it its can be cheap, when someone else is paying it has to be the top of the line.

did I mention the last time I had anything to to with cats I ended up in the hospital with steroids and breathing treatments and antihistamines.
Oh!, and the cat bites.

I knew this would not be easy. my mother is higher maintenance than I am.
if she doesn't want to let me help her make her situation better then that is all I can do. I don't have it in me to physically take car of her.
I told her that I would help her as long as she let me.
and she is not willing to help me help her.
because she took care of my grandmother she thinks I should take care of her physically and financially. I have neither means to do that.
I will try to talk to her a little longer, I have to recuperate, and we will not have another day like today, I don't have it in me.
I will more than likely have to report this to protective services and the state. but I have to be sure of my facts first and things are still cloudy, as my mother is very paranoid.

I needed to vent so I can go to sleep.
all this in my head makes it impossible to sleep.
it will be better now.
thanks for listening.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Now as to...

my friend who fell off the crack wagon.

he is staying clean, and he has stopped smoking.

I got him cinnamon sticks and straws, and a sippee water bottle, the kind you can suck on.
he had food and clean clothes and I will go about straighten out his bills and money matters, get him caught up and ahead.

I have given him home work that I was given when I was starting out.

"why am I unique, special and why the rules don't apply to me, or what makes me different from the rest of the crack heads that I know"

he put "why I should be saved?" I told him if that is what he wants, to go to church.
so he is doing as I asked of him.

Hopefully he will make a meeting tonight at 8pm.
(as much as I dislike AA/NA they do work for some people, and I did get a couple of things from them that I use till this day, and will continue to use)
`so we will see what he does. I hope all is well.

Did I ever tell you what lovely friends I have?

The following is a conversation between My wonderful friend Freedom and myself about my mother.
it brought up some interesting points that I had not examined previously.
as this is my way of journalling I thought I would put up the conversation as it has helped me work through some of my issues with my mother.

be warned I will be talking allot about my mother.
it won't always be pretty. I will try to lighten it up when I can, this is my life right now. you as my friends, will get to hear about it, if you choose to read my entries.
It is a given that my regular readers and those who comment are the most wonderful friends that I can ever have. I love you guys! (and gals)

On Thu, Jul 8, 2010 at 11:58 AM, freedom wrote:
BTW: how's your mammy?

On Jul 8, 2010, at 1:19 PM, dorabibble wrote:

she wet her self last night really bad. her pca will be in soon. just got off the phone. she forgets what she is talking about.
and she is crazy I was telling her about a dream I had last night about being a bee keeper and making cake with honey and she asked me how bee's eyes taste...
I had to tell her I just didn't know, and re-explained it.
she is my mother

On Thu, Jul 8, 2010 at 1:14 PM, Freedom wrote:

Whaat is PCA?

On Jul 8, 2010, at 4:08 PM, dorabibble wrote:

Personal Care Attendant, bathes her etc.

On Thu, Jul 8, 2010 at 3:14 PM, Freedom wrote:

Gotcha. Where is your mother?

On Jul 8, 2010, at 4:31 PM, dorabibble wrote:
about a mile from where I live, she has a 1 br apt, the cat I gave her and a stupid bird.
I will go and visit Sunday when she has no one to care for her.
I expect to have to do some care work.
she pisses her bed at night.
I will bring some food and we will go from there.

On Thu, Jul 8, 2010 at 10:15 PM, Freedom wrote:

Why do you expect to do work? Do you feel obligated because she is your mother, or because she's 'apologized'. I hope you are doing the work because you have a giant heart and want to see no person suffer, no matter how much suffering they've caused you. You are a lovely woman who deserves only good things, Shannon. I'm glad I know you. I feel enriched with you in my life, if only your mother feels the same.

On Fri Jul 9, 2010 at 7:15am dorabibble wrote

why am I willing to do work? neither the fact that she is my mother or that she has 'apologized'.
basically she is a human being, and she is dying.
no matter what she had done to me, she is still suffering, horrendously.
she wants to stay home to die, I would want the same thing.
she hurts so badly, and she is scared/resigned.
she knows she is dying.
she is not perfect.
I want her to have a humane ending.
I don't like what she has done to me.
it hurts me to see her suffer, and if there is anything I can do as long as she will let me help her, I am going to try to do it.
I can't guarantee how she will behave, but I will not accept bad behaviour, or reward it.
this is not my job, she has a worker.
but she has fallen through the cracks, and until I can get the cracks filled, this must be done. I will not let her lie in her own piss/whatever for even one day.
that is not the kind of person I have become, the person you love, that loves you.
being my mother has not earned her anything, if at all just exactly the opposite.
being a scared hurting old woman, who only has one person in her life and only because they are being paid to be there, must suck.
this may bring me closure. it may not, I don't know.
I can't just sit back knowing that she is suffering, and that I can do something to help her, and until she warms up to me some more, this is what I can do.
I am not going to get anything, she is leaving everything to my cousins/other family.
so it is not like, if I do this, I will get ?????.
I will be secure in the knowledge, that when I was asked for help I did what I could, without jeopardising myself.
this will not be a easy thing, and it will suck, for both of us.
it is what I feel must be done.
It is what I would want and will have for myself, when my time comes.
I don't see how I can get it if I am not willing to do it.
she took care of my grandmother, cause she was told to.
I choose to help. in all of this I will get a chance to heal myself where she is concerned.
and hopefully she will have a chance at some closure, that is up to her.
her behaviour will dictate the circumstances.
thank you for asking the ?'s, and I very much appreciate the concern, you are a great friend.
I love you. hugz!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

even if I have posted these before they are still funny as f&ck!

things I know


Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed !

.If it weren't for STRESS
I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan...
Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don't have any film.

I always know...
God won't give me more than I can handle
There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff

Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian.
Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
I've tried!!

Have A Wonderful Day!
Hold your loved ones close, tell them you love them, for if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today!

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

I finally found it!!!!

I found it...

And you thought there was no such place, huh????

How many times have we been 'up there without one!'

My work is done.

30th anniversary Of Chippendale's!

Confucius Says:


Man who run in

Front of car get tired.


Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.


Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.


Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.


Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.



War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is



Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in



Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there..


Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in



Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.


Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.


ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married..

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE... Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY.. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

my fairy Hurricane!

click to enlarge

this is what I feel I look like on the inside.


my mother said "what do bee's eyes taste like?"
that was the conversation this morning.
I was telling her about one of my dreams this morning.
I was a bee keeper, and I was making cakes to sell with the honey.
People wanted to buy the honey, and I was explaining that if I sold them the honey I wouldn't be able to make the cakes. J woke me up at that point.
so I get a cup of decaf and talk to mom on the phone.
I told her my dream.
and my mother said "what do bee's eyes taste like?"
I explained the dream again, and she said "oh"
and we went on talking.

my mother and I have had such conversation all my life.
this is not because of her being sick and dying.
this is just the way she always had been.

one conversation I remember very well went like this.

"Shannon? what does the sky taste like?"
"summer and darkness, mom"
"You Know," and nods her head.

This is the woman I grew up with until I was convinced that she was going to kill me and I fled.

those conversations were the good times.
the bad time were something out of an unmade horror film.
scars inside and out, as she has.

she is not the good kind of crazy.

this should be interesting.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I saw my mom today after I called I called back and offered to bring her food.
she loves food, we are the same in that.

I had an opening and decide to talk to her about gaps in service and other things.
it went well, no decisions were made just ideas were thrown around.
the woman that has been taking care of my mother is a good person.

I let my mother hug me as she is fragile to touch.
she told me that she did the best she could.
and that she needed me.

that is the closest I have ever gotten to an apology from her.
and ya know what? I am going to take it.

I told her I would be there as long as she wanted me, and we would worry about today and tomorrow and none of the rest mattered, and that I loved her.
that's all for now I am off to cry.

todays update...

I just talked to my mother and she barely remembers the conversation yesterday. I am formulating a plan in my head of how to best help her. there are gaps in her care. that is the first step.
well the first step is to seek info. that means visiting her.
being alone with my mother, Jesus...
way out of my comfort zone.
this could take a bit of time, and I don't know if she has it.
The past is a scary monster.
this person is a dying old woman who is suffering.
and as a human being, and her daughter, I have to help.
will she let me?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I can't stop crying and my head hurts

When you were little
You dreamed you were big
You must have been something
A real tiny kid

You wish you were me
I wish I was you
Now don't you wake up
The dream will come true

Every dream has a name
And names tell your story
This song is your dream
You're the dream operator

It's bigger than life
You know it's all me
My face is a book
But it's not what it seems

Three angels above
The whole human race
They dream us to life
They dream me a face

And every dream tells it all
And this dream is your story
You dreamed me a heart
You're the dream operator

Shake-it-up dream
Hi-di-ho dream
Fix-it-up dream
Look at me dream
I've been waiting so long
Now I am your dream

Hard to forget
Hard to go on
When you fall asleep
You're out on your own

Let go of your life
Grab on to my hand
Here in the clouds
Where we'll understand

And you dreamed it all
And this is your story
Do you know who you are?
You're the dream operator

And you dreamed it all
And this is your story
Do you know who you are?
You're the dream operator

this has been a while coming.

saw my mother today.
she is in a wheel chair.
her hands are a mess. they have haematoma's just under the skin, pressure from say from someone holding her hand breaks the blood vessels. the other one is so dry, she has my grand mother's hands.
she can't drive, she is in pain and is lonely, so lonely.
she has cancer for the 4th time, lymph.
and cirrhosis of the liver. did I tell you she was in pain?
she is going to the pain clinic.
My mother has less than a year to live.
I saw her and ran, that is my first instinct when I see her.
then as I sat in the car trying to breath, I remembered the wheel chair.
I fought with myself and went back in.
I walked up to her, and called her name, she just looked at me.
"Mom, mom. Hi. Mom it's Shannon, mom?"
she finally recognised me, her eyes lit up for a minute them the light was gone.
she is lit up like a Christmas tree, on pain medicine.
she forgets what she is talking about.
she was eating a sandwich, apparently the first since Saturday, of anything to eat.
the weekend screwed up her schedule of care givers.
She has no one in the world. she has made it that way.
I asked her if I could call her tomorrow, she said yes.
it is a start.
I don't know what I have in me, we will see.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


it has been one of those days, well weeks really.
this blog is glittery and fun and also sad and where I go to figure out my thoughts.
One of my close friends relapsed, with there drug of choice.
I could see it coming like a deer in the head lights all the signs were there.
I won't get into the particulars. needless to say it happened I haven't let them out of my sight for most of the day. even took them to a meeting, (WHICH I HATE for my own reasons)
now what?
nothing, as my world is falling apart with work and such.
I feel like I am made of spun glass.
I won't relapse. I am just shattered.
when it goes, it all goes. so with a sick stomach, and fires to put out tomorrow, and my face lit up like a Christmas tree and every other thing, I will try to sleep now.
I did for them what was done for me when I relapsed.
that I was there and that I am here now.
nothing could ever make me want to, it is alien to me and so familiar I will go cry.
I remember it all, and it sucked.
someone was there to pick me up, and now I do the same for someone I love.
I can hold out my hand, but only they can take it.
I couldn't stop it any more than I could stop the tide.
it is up to them. I would hate to lose someone that I fought so hard for.
it is what it is.
and it fucken sucks mouldy ass.