Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Smart Arse!!!!

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!

Monday, November 15, 2010


I am busy making plans, and getting ready, so I will not be around.
I hope you all have a happy thanksgiving, and I will see you some time in December!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Laws of Life

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your

hands become coated with grease, your nose will

begin to itch & you'll have to find a bathroom.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw,

when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of

your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were

late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic

lanes), the one you were in will always move faster

than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully

immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability

of meeting someone you know increases dramatically

when you are with someone you don't want to be

seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to

prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity

of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey

Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are

farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are

the ones who will leave their seats several times to

go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early be-

fore the end of the performance or the game is over.

The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter

end of the performance. The aisle people also are very

surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down

to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which chore will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are

only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent


14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances

of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on

a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost

of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is

possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A

closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing

Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you

really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well,

make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the

time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't

make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do..
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20 , much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

click to on image to make bigger!


I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the shit out of me. So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

What he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

And sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


You gotta love this doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way.. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLO ...Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


Eat and drink what you like! Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

last night

I had wake up screaming nightmares, so business as usual.
this a.m. I have had contact from a person from my past. I told them to get stuffed. and they were shocked?
they had an attitude...
nothing has changed, at all.
that is why friendships end and stay that way.
you can't have a friendship where only you are the friend.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

things of late

things are starting to get better.
5 weeks ago I had a breakdown and almost did something really stupid.
as a result some decisions have been made and some of them for me.
not that I am upset about it. sometimes I don't always take my side into account.

I have quit doing allot of things for others. and while it makes me sad sometimes, I know that it is the right thing for the right reason.

I am disappearing for the week of thanksgiving as you may already know.

I am not doing Christmas for anyone but my other half. and it will be small.

I quit the embroidery guild membership and the guild totally for the near future.

I quit doing things around here for other people.

I have started doing things for myself.

So if you were going to do something for me for Christmas, please do something nice for yourself instead. It would make me really happy.

I am tired and in pain, and hanging on, so please bear with me.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

voted today

and ran errands.
I have been quiet lately due to pain.
I haven't been doing well and just trying to keep my head above ground.
not much to be excited about. planning another vacation and haven't gotten the lasts pictures developed.
stuff is in the works. don't know how it will turn out, so I am not even going to guess.
so that is my update whoo hoo!