Saturday, January 28, 2012

5 minutes, part 2 and Asstastic!

*J started something new with me, and it is working incredibly well, he will tell me "it will be better in 5 minutes, just hold on", do you know how strong that makes me? breaking life up into 5 minute chunks. makes it so much easier to digest the day and the happenings.

I have so much shit in my head that I want to write, and so much I think about but it happens at night when I am supposed to be sleeping, so I sleep, mind whirling at 10 million mph. the drugs still shut me down dead, even losing 25 mg of elavil, I am dead to the world. I have not been sleeping with earplugs in, I will just keeping going off the drugs until I can't sleep and then I will stop, and make it so I can barely sleep.
no sleep=bad things.*

this is a post I came across, while looking around that I never finished and it is how I really feel. it was dated December 11th 2011 and promptly got forgotten about.

let me tell you about my Asstastic day Friday:
we had been trying to get stuff done since I am going to be sick. so me and J are out driving. it was -11 degrees at the time. Anchorage is a very scenic city and we have a ton of park land in and around anchorage, most of it wet lands, so lots and lots of tree and water and parks to sit at and watch the sunset, which has been off the charts lately with all of this -degree weather.
extreme heat like extreme cold requires more water.
FYI this is going to be TMI time and probably PMSL and ROFLMAO, so don't read on if you are squeamish, but then why are you on my blog if you are squeamish?
I wear adult diapers and have since I was 14. they mixed some meds when I spent most of the year in the psych hospital, and my bladder muscles gave. and part of My IC makes my bladder less elastic(well not at all).

this is the picture I could find of them.
my liners are 24.75" long and about 10 inches wide. they cover me from the top ass crack to belly button(and they just keep getting bigger.) they are huge and hold allot, but not all the time do they keep me dry, so I have a diaper bag like you would have for a baby with diapers, wipes and extra clothes, and I sit on something called a chucks, it has an absorbent side and a water proof side they are on all of my chairs and bed and car seat, mine are reusable, meaning you wash them.
so more water cause it is really dry. really cold watching the sunset in the running car, talking and laughing.
as it happens I am peeing and there is no bathroom, so do what I always do? get out of the car and do my quick change, and get cleaned up, like I always do,not so bad so far. well I get out of the car and it is still running, so I get gassed which causes me to cough. all of a sudden the diaper is no good, and I am wet to my knees. J announces that he has 58 blood sugar.( he is type 1 diabetic) fortunately we also have a food bag, along with other things.
I this point I am using every swear word I know and I few I made up.
keep in mind what temp it is out, and that the car is off and I have the two passenger doors wide open trying to figure out how I am going to get changed cause we are not driving anywhere till his blood sugar comes up to safe levels. I am great at a diaper change, but this it is not that easy. I am wearing 5 top layers 2 bottom layer and 3 pairs of socks. I have to get out of my coat and the two other jackets I am wearing and everything below the waist but the socks,I get my shoes off and I am not standing in the snow sock footed, remember the temp? so I get my pants and underwear off, now standing on them, on the worst possible place on a small hill, so out comes the wipes and my bare ass exposed to the elements. we have not seen a soul we are out in the boonies, the entire time. minute I am tending to personal matters FREEZING MY ASS OFF! a hippy chick skier comes by. all I can do is start laughing, worst thing I can do cause I am peeing again and no diaper, pants and such. so I get out my clean under pants, and they aren't clean. they were washed with a cough drop that has gone brown white and blue green, more swearing ensued. I finished cleaning up, and got redressed to get back in the cars and get warm, it has been off the whole time. we have to wait for J's blood sugar to come back up and I am home to a shower...

needless to say we are staying home today. it is looking like it will be the coldest recorded year in history or at least it is stacking up to be. it is currently -12 below. I am going to go get back under the heating blanket, so stay warm all and cool where you need to.
I hope you enjoy my tale of woe and the wilderness.
My ass is still cold. at least I am dry.
love to all.


well I have a new Psych provider, and she is awesome.
I have been unable to go any further down on meds on my own.
I lost my nut and almost my job and my place to live last time (November).
so we have had a long talk and she is going to start helping me get rid of the meds.
starting the 6th of Feb, we will cut my neurtontin in 1/2 until I am off of it in 4 weeks.
AND we cut my haldol in 1/2.
at the same time I am going on Latuda. it is a newer cleaner version of both meds and does even more, and has less side effects than the two I am taking.
I am having to many mental health symptoms, as my mania and depression are off the charts as are my hallucinations.
Also I am down to 393 lbs for a total of 199 lbs since November or 2010. at least 200 more to go.
also next time I see her(psych) I am going to give here all of my "stored" meds.
these are meds that they have given me and I am not currently taking, and have also hoarded.
don't look at me like that.
why else would you hoard meds?
yes, that reason.
well in 5 weeks They will be hers to send to the incinerator.
that feels really good. why 5 weeks? because that is when I see her again. (trust me she is slammed with people trying to see her.)
so chill, I have to do this in my time. time is a coming.
so thing are progress, I am getting ready for being sick.
I will have to stay off the computer(mainly my emails from work) for a bit it is safest that way, WE are not having shit hit the fan again, even if I get mad at bullshit that is too stupid to even consider.
okay rest saved for part 2 called 5 minutes it was originally done as a draft on the 11th of December and then forgotten about so you will get to enjoy it.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


nothing to write,
love to all.