Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sunday, August 18, 2013

What the Hell????!!???

why do these post have titles? I know to index them but seriously? trying to come up with a suitable title for a post so this post has no title. it might not even be a true story but what the hell, if I get in trouble so be it... this is why I don't write. what am I going to say that comes back to haunt me. whatever.

My walker is dead. I think I may have killed it.

I am having a really gooood day so bear with me I am all pumped up and really happy. having almost no contact with J is really been great for me, I can feel myself begin to breath. Anchorage, is a very nice town, at least i really like it. but I know nothing different. one of the nice things about this lovely city is our greenbelts. Do you know what those are? simple put they are areas of public parks, wildlife areas and trails of all kinds. in places you can be in the middle of the city and surrounded by forest for as far as you can see. or lakes or, or ,or blah blah blah wildlife, blah blah blah pristine beauty. you get the idea.

so on one of the days (maybe) last week (not a true story), me and the Cave Troll went for walkies. I have been pretty much house bound most of the summer. not to say that I haven't gone fishing and spent 2 nights in a tent on the beach next to the ocean and took my walker into same said ocean. I’m a little crazy like that. You know you don’t have to keep reading... So if you are a regular reader (all 3 of you) (Tongue stuck out at you), you may know of my epic adventures with my walker in the past 4 years. I've taken her in the snow, the mud, the rain, rivers, forests and the ocean shortly before her death... and really big hills. to have a sense of this let me paint past scenes. me on a hill, or in a parking garage(those aren't as fun or steep as I like) sitting backwards, going down the incline, going full tilt throttle, pushing with my feet, with CT running along side holding on to it to catch me in case I wipe out. I had never wiped out on her, until the day of her death. now keep in mind I don't own a helmet yet, I think one is in my future.

so we are doing walkies in the rain, at one of my favorite trails/parks and there a allot of hills, now these trails are paved, kinda. the trails is in the middle of a big wooded patch, so occasionally there are tree roots that have broken thru the pavement... so we go as far as I can stand before I have to ride. usually we ride the whole way back... (it is so much fun, you are backwards so you can't see anything but what is going by, pushing with your feet while CT is running along side steering and some times pulling, and braking. My brakes didn’t work after the first 6 months, so 3 1/2 years with out brakes not bad..) so it is really wet and there are tons of puddles, and mud, remember the mud part in a minute. it is time to ride the walker back. so we hit the top of the first hill back, smooth going, made the corner everything is great, we hit a long stretch of flat so I was really pumping my legs. and then we hit the area with the broken pavement that i remember noticing on the way in. the front wheels hit the ruts which are side to side. I come to a dead stop and tipped over backwards(ass over tea kettle). I hit the ground really softly, barely hit my head. I was laughing so hard. I expected my head to be bashed in. I was wet and muddy, and slightly bruised, but fine. CT caught me and broke my fall, and almost shit himself. so he is trying to get me up as I am flat on my back with the wind knocked out of me. before the fall we heard a loud crack, so I tell him to get the walker out from underneath me first, Then... get me up. so I get up, we brush me off as best we can, (remember the mud, umm, yeah.)

So what is the first thing I do? I sit on the walker and I push as hard as I can, there was another large crack. I was off that thing in a flash. one of her wheels broke in a away that she could not be fixed, so apparently CT put her in the dumpster when we got home, and now she is in the city dump/walker heaven.

So now I am planning her funeral. I got a new walker, this one is far better than the first one they wanted to give me (plastic straps, and looks like a Lego Lincoln log acid nightmare wtf?) but it will not be any good for jumps and such it is strictly an easy use model, which means no fun. so I am thinking of starting a fund for a new walker, like my last one, tough sturdy, and a blast. We will rise again. I want to take that hill again, but this time i hope to have a helmet. I miss u buddy you were a wonderful friend and you helped make it so I could be a real Alaskan, and do all of the out door things, that are so awesome for living up here. if you ever get a chance Alaska is not to be missed. Now a special shout out to CT, who saved my head from being crushed in!: I love you man. Next time I will wear a helmet, cause I want to keep doing crazy shit with you for years to come. buddy you are the best friend a person could ever hope to have, and my complete brain (NO comment) thanks you from the bottom of its bottom!!!!!! okay I am done you can stop reading now!

Friday, August 9, 2013

the book of love 2

the book of love

okay, FINE!



I am sitting here minding my own business. I went to see dr head dr. My psych provider. she has new plans for medication increases.
yes you heard me right she wants to once again increase my meds. as a matter of fact she increased them with out telling me and I now have extra meds sitting here at the house. I know she is trying to help. they are now sitting here like a giant white elephant. she also wants to put me on a 2X monthly shot of something I have been on before and tolerated well at the time. I remember that I found the world with a fine mesh of cheese cloth over everything. a barrier between me and the world. and oh by the way it makes you fat, and you get to gain all the weight back that i am losing. I can see where chunks of fat are leaving my arms and legs. and I am still 420lbs. it is coming off, just really slow.

and food? I have had to completely had to change my eating. Dairy is a no-no, just because it wont stay down, and god help me if it does. Food used to be my favorite thing, not it is a chore, torture... is it going to stay down? what is it going to do to me if it does? and now shots.

I remember the days of force medication, when they would subdue me (IE beat the shit out of me) tie me down and shoot me up for my own protection. can you imagine being 15 years old, and you have had a suicide attempt, so they put you in API, the state run psychiatric facility, not a nice place. I was on suicide watch, so you sleep outside the nurses station. there was another girl there. I go to sleep. she attacks me in my sleep. I fight back, next thing I know I have six grown men try to subdue me, and strip me naked, and tie me to a cold metal table with 4 point restraints, they then shoot me up full of Thorazine, and the needle breaks off in my leg I am bucking so hard. they have to remove it, they do so with me tied to the table, naked and screaming for my life. they then left me. I screamed myself into the void. it took weeks for my leg to work right.

so you can see where I sit with getting shots twice a month, she has them ordered, and when I go in a month she expects me to take them. I am really scared. I know I am falling apart, but that is nothing new for me, I am always falling apart.
what would be so bad to have someone look at me the way Sting looks at Trudie. I don’t think it exists for me. love is something I suck at...
so now it is off to the internet and the pills I have in my house, FUCK! why is this so hard.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Thursday, August 1, 2013

it is over.





it is finally over, and I am single. I have been now a while, but this has some finality but not closure. J has his cycles of his illness. he is in the bad part, but really there is no good part of this. if you read my blog then you know what happened last time. this one was not much different. he started going down hill with his "I’m not diabetic anymore" when they found him his blood sugar was over 1000 and they thought he was dead. I had a bad dream that he was dying and I had him found and taken to the hospital. my debt is done. I should of gone back to sleep and let him die. while he was in the hospital he had a bed bug infestation, that he didn’t tell anyone about. so he was evicted and lost everything. he is now at the homeless shelter, looking for housing... yeah right. then he starts telling everyone that I am his girlfriend, and that they can drop stuff off with me, after I told him not to come near me. he is a sociopath. so today I changed my phone number, and told him it was over and that he better leave me alone or I was going to call the cops. I cant get a restraining order against him. the only thing he is a PHYSICAL threat to is my front door as you may remember he loves to break doors. they don’t give them for emotional abuse, terrorizing and stalking. I have no proof to show them. like I said SOCIOPATH! I have cut other people out of my life, my mother. father. you name it, gone. and once you cut them out. that’s it. you get no more info. like my mother being dead for 2 months before I found out. it will be like that with him. now if he will just leave me alone. he keeps telling me that I am his only reason for living. Is that really fair to me, that someone is trying to make there whole universe around me and want to wear me like a skin suit?
NO! I deserve better. this is really hard for me right now. it will get better eventually.... FUCK! WHATEVER! I'm so tired. it will get better?