Adorabibble

Slient sunday

2012-02-05T14:25:00.003-09:00

yeah, Right!

2012-02-04T17:34:00.002-09:00

okay so the pharmacy and the Dr screwed up and I get a business as usually box, full of the fuck you meds.
and no latuda which is fine with me cause I am not taking it, more poison.
so I will either have to do the meds in my cassette(meaning I will have to cut them in 1/2 myself)for the week or throw it back at them.
My psychiatrist got an ear full on her answering machine, so she will hear it Tuesday...
fuck Tuesday.
No help at all.
I am on my own.
this shit will KILL me if I stay on them.
and I am losing my mind going off of them.
what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Oh yes, suffer....
that is one thing I do know how to do.
AND I AM FUCKEN TIRED OF IT.
******
now back to your regularly scheduled program.
I will stay in the land of the fucked.
no comments necessary.
I am as frustrated as you.
I love you all, even the ones I hate.

5 minutes, part 2 and Asstastic!

2012-01-28T17:17:00.005-09:00

*J started something new with me, and it is working incredibly well, he will tell me "it will be better in 5 minutes, just hold on", do you know how strong that makes me? breaking life up into 5 minute chunks. makes it so much easier to digest the day and the happenings.

I have so much shit in my head that I want to write, and so much I think about but it happens at night when I am supposed to be sleeping, so I sleep, mind whirling at 10 million mph. the drugs still shut me down dead, even losing 25 mg of elavil, I am dead to the world. I have not been sleeping with earplugs in, I will just keeping going off the drugs until I can't sleep and then I will stop, and make it so I can barely sleep.
no sleep=bad things.*

this is a post I came across, while looking around that I never finished and it is how I really feel. it was dated December 11th 2011 and promptly got forgotten about.

let me tell you about my Asstastic day Friday:
we had been trying to get stuff done since I am going to be sick. so me and J are out driving. it was -11 degrees at the time. Anchorage is a very scenic city and we have a ton of park land in and around anchorage, most of it wet lands, so lots and lots of tree and water and parks to sit at and watch the sunset, which has been off the charts lately with all of this -degree weather.
extreme heat like extreme cold requires more water.
FYI this is going to be TMI time and probably PMSL and ROFLMAO, so don't read on if you are squeamish, but then why are you on my blog if you are squeamish?
I wear adult diapers and have since I was 14. they mixed some meds when I spent most of the year in the psych hospital, and my bladder muscles gave. and part of My IC makes my bladder less elastic(well not at all).

this is the picture I could find of them.
my liners are 24.75" long and about 10 inches wide. they cover me from the top ass crack to belly button(and they just keep getting bigger.) they are huge and hold allot, but not all the time do they keep me dry, so I have a diaper bag like you would have for a baby with diapers, wipes and extra clothes, and I sit on something called a chucks, it has an absorbent side and a water proof side they are on all of my chairs and bed and car seat, mine are reusable, meaning you wash them.
so more water cause it is really dry. really cold watching the sunset in the running car, talking and laughing.
as it happens I am peeing and there is no bathroom, so do what I always do? get out of the car and do my quick change, and get cleaned up, like I always do,not so bad so far. well I get out of the car and it is still running, so I get gassed which causes me to cough. all of a sudden the diaper is no good, and I am wet to my knees. J announces that he has 58 blood sugar.( he is type 1 diabetic) fortunately we also have a food bag, along with other things.
I this point I am using every swear word I know and I few I made up.
Asstastic!
keep in mind what temp it is out, and that the car is off and I have the two passenger doors wide open trying to figure out how I am going to get changed cause we are not driving anywhere till his blood sugar comes up to safe levels. I am great at a diaper change, but this it is not that easy. I am wearing 5 top layers 2 bottom layer and 3 pairs of socks. I have to get out of my coat and the two other jackets I am wearing and everything below the waist but the socks,I get my shoes off and I am not standing in the snow sock footed, remember the temp? so I get my pants and underwear off, now standing on them, on the worst possible place on a small hill, so out comes the wipes and my bare ass exposed to the elements. we have not seen a soul we are out in the boonies, the entire time. minute I am tending to personal matters FREEZING MY ASS OFF! a hippy chick skier comes by. all I can do is start laughing, worst thing I can do cause I am peeing again and no diaper, pants and such. so I get out my clean under pants, and they aren't clean. they were washed with a cough drop that has gone brown white and blue green, more swearing ensued. I finished cleaning up, and got redressed to get back in the cars and get warm, it has been off the whole time. we have to wait for J's blood sugar to come back up and I am home to a shower...

needless to say we are staying home today. it is looking like it will be the coldest recorded year in history or at least it is stacking up to be. it is currently -12 below. I am going to go get back under the heating blanket, so stay warm all and cool where you need to.
I hope you enjoy my tale of woe and the wilderness.
My ass is still cold. at least I am dry.
love to all.

Latuda

2012-01-28T14:36:00.003-09:00

well I have a new Psych provider, and she is awesome.
I have been unable to go any further down on meds on my own.
I lost my nut and almost my job and my place to live last time (November).
so we have had a long talk and she is going to start helping me get rid of the meds.
starting the 6th of Feb, we will cut my neurtontin in 1/2 until I am off of it in 4 weeks.
AND we cut my haldol in 1/2.
at the same time I am going on Latuda. it is a newer cleaner version of both meds and does even more, and has less side effects than the two I am taking.
I am having to many mental health symptoms, as my mania and depression are off the charts as are my hallucinations.
Also I am down to 393 lbs for a total of 199 lbs since November or 2010. at least 200 more to go.
also next time I see her(psych) I am going to give here all of my "stored" meds.
these are meds that they have given me and I am not currently taking, and have also hoarded.
don't look at me like that.
why else would you hoard meds?
yes, that reason.
well in 5 weeks They will be hers to send to the incinerator.
that feels really good. why 5 weeks? because that is when I see her again. (trust me she is slammed with people trying to see her.)
I am suicidal, HOWEVER I WILL NOT ACT ON IT.
so chill, I have to do this in my time. time is a coming.
***
so thing are progress, I am getting ready for being sick.
I will have to stay off the computer(mainly my emails from work) for a bit it is safest that way, WE are not having shit hit the fan again, even if I get mad at bullshit that is too stupid to even consider.
okay rest saved for part 2 called 5 minutes it was originally done as a draft on the 11th of December and then forgotten about so you will get to enjoy it.

..,.

2012-01-21T19:33:00.000-09:00

nothing to write,
love to all.

Santa Claus is well hung!

2011-12-23T14:26:00.003-09:00

that's it for me folks, don't choke on your egg nog!

what I am listening to right now, ENJOY!

2011-12-02T13:27:00.001-09:00

Dire Straits - Telegraph Road [COMPLETE STUDIO VERSION]

*IT IS BEST TURNED ALL THE WAY UP!*

the moaning door.

2011-11-27T16:27:00.002-09:00

I live near one of the exits to the building, and it has been ever so cold.
WHOREFROST, I mean hoarfrost, is every where.
cold effects doors locks and buildings. this building was built before the 1964 earthquake, and with stood it.
the building howls when it is windy, and the door near me moans like a whore when she doesn't get paid.
Nvrmd.
okay but seriously the door moans like a woman getting...
umm, yeah.
the orgasm door, Lisa the moaning door, and so on.
the door is getting allot of action, *sigh*
and moaning it's head off.
CREAK MOAN SLAM!
okay fine!
have a happy rest of the weekend.

craptastic!

2011-11-24T20:29:00.002-09:00

this is not a paid or sponsored post.
this is just my silly opinion.

I like fizzy water, and I drink a ton of it. it usually comes in a green bottle, the yuppie water crap.
I have always liked club soda, carbonated water, whatever.
I like the bubbles and the bitter taste.
I used to eat lemons whole, had to stop when I got braces in the 5th grade or so.
that really pissed me off.
I love to eat, and will eat damn near anything, but that is changing as my body tells me what I will and will not eat any more, my stomach has become the Gestapo.
Nope that won't do send it back!
so everything is eaten with the knowledge that it has a 50/50 chance of coming back up, either part or all.
so with that knowledge I pick my options.
yuppie water is EXPENSIVE!
and being that money is always tight we around here are always looking for ways to cut the cost.
In walks "the soda maker". it is red and has the attached "CARBINATOR" which is not mine but the companies they just let me use it and trade it back in for money to them.
it came with all of these craptastic syrups, 1oz of syrup makes one litre of soda(WTF). full of poison and sugar and shit. CRAPTASTIC!!!
so now what I am trying to figure out what to do with them, as throwing away shit someone else could use pisses me off almost as bad as having to find a home for this shit.
I would give them away here but uh, yeah, what the fuck, no!
not mailing toxins, with my money, ACK!
so probably will go on CL in an act of desperation,
so while I love the "CARBINATOR" and the red doohicky that seats it and makes me fizzy water, the craptastic syrup WE really could do with out.
3 of 5 stars*

*would of gotten more if they hadn't stuck me with the CRAPTASTIC syrup shit. OH and they try to make it better seemingly as a gift to me!
NO!

so here is to my fizzy water, we will see if it is cost effective as I have to hit the "carbinator" twice as much as it says. I like my carbonated water to *punch* me in the mouth.
so WE will see.

thanks giving

2011-11-24T12:26:00.003-09:00

Well the car is frozen fouled and flooded, we did this last year in January so it will be expensive and a pain but oh well, with down to -20 what do ya expect, I ran out of money after the tires this year so old Beasty didn't get her tune up and now she is insisting.
I have stopped eating meat so we are having lentil.barley.veggie soup!
I have allot to be thankful for!
so I leave you with this from my favorite Alaskan Cartoonist Mr. Chad Carpenter, EnJoY!

Kumbaya

2011-11-22T11:25:00.002-09:00

last night no vomiting but laying there wanting to die, finally get to sleep, and CT wakes me up at midnight. I almost killed him. I remember allot of screaming, something he missed during the day,
Midnight? really???
I have to try to eat something here as my stomach is churning.
I am eating a banana, and I am totally GACKED!
when it gets bad I have taken to singing "Kumbaya" in my head very quietly, I am so sick and I want to die so all I can remember is Kumbaya. it is strangely soothing at hard times.
oh there is always music in my head, as I am always singing something, to much to some people's opinion.
(middle finger here)
oh and to my period that showed up Sunday, (weren't you taken care of by surgery 2 years ago? NO!)
I have had the TENS unit on my lady parts for 3 days now, not lady bits which are lower, hey this isn't "JACKASS the movie" WHOO HOO!
I am not that big of an idiot.
so coming up on thanks giving, (I will not be participating this year, for me this year it is like any other day and I have far to much to do.)
so happy Whatever to you.
(I'm the one with my head still in a trash can)
love to all

umm, yeah

2011-11-21T17:43:00.002-09:00

well it's official.
I projectile vomited last night, (thank god it was only water)
I am not eating and haven't for 3 days.
I laid in the fetal position for many hours last night , as it hurt to breath, I did something to my back in the midst of the many hours of vomiting.
it hurts to move and to think, I did not keep last nights meds down.
I took my elavil early today, to avoid living hell, if you want me I'm the one with my head in the trash can. I'm off to take a shower, hopefully I won't puke as I have to keep my elavil down.
it is not going well.

funerals

2011-11-19T11:23:00.002-09:00

there is one today for the lady down stairs.
I have never been to a funeral.
I have had plenty of people die, let me put it this way I did not even go to my grandmothers who I loved more than life it's self. I do visit her grave, but not since my mother as died as they are in the same funeral park, in different place, but her presence has been enough to keep me away.
still the funeral is today.
am I going? I will know in 3 hours.
what would I wear? I don't have anything appropriate for one.
every article of clothing I own is brightly coloured the only black I have is a few pair of pants.
I hate black, dark blue and brown. I have blue, but light and bright.
I doubt I am going.
My grand mother is to blame for this(and you know what I am okay with that)
some one who worked for my grand parents, and my mother taking care of me among other duties.
her name was Nell, I was 5 when she died. I remember the red metal high chair, I was always trying to climb out of and her lap, which was warm and large and soft, she always had a hug for me and time in her lap before she would try to feed me even though I did not need to eat.
I loved her.
time came for the viewing of the body, my mother was ready to take us in to see Nell's body. MY GRANDMOTHER pitched a fit and blocked the door in to the funeral home. under no condition was I going in there to see Nell, as that was not Nell, the Nell I knew was gone, and my mother had no right to terrorize us with something that we would not understand.
my grand mother stood up to them, so I would not be traumatized.
I haver never been to a funeral, and I guess I won't start now.
the lady downstairs for all of her problems was a lovely person when she wanted to be(when she was sober) she did have a heart of gold, and I am going to miss her
looks like I am going after all. thank god she was cremated.

well, okay.

2011-11-18T11:08:00.002-09:00

the lady down stairs died this week, so it looks like we will be moving down or just moving.
I said all of the wrong things to the right person and now I am being told that I need to think about what will make me happy? and not to go and cut my wrists or flip out or anything.
this is the person I work for, oh and everyone hates us.
nice huh?
too much venom in my emails.
I am not sorry. what I am sorry for is the 6 + years I have wasted trying to make a jerk happy.
things are a changing.

I love my friends that comment!

2011-11-18T09:34:00.006-09:00

Tempo who lives in the land of Australia, is one of my most active commenter's, (I do love the rest of you too!!) left me this comment to my last post. "it's actually already Friday here in OZ. At the time of commenting it's 5:08pm and 102 deg F"
all I can say is HOLY BATSHIT!, SHEEPMAN!!!! I know those are New Zealanders traits, but heck!
102 degrees? know I know why they say it in Celsius of 39 or 42 degrees. cause it sounds so much better than OVER 100 degrees.
70 is a heat storm to me, I have thick blood from living all my life in cold weather.

""Today

Partly cloudy with patchy morning fog. Sunny this afternoon. Highs 5 to 15 above...coldest on the east side of town and outlying areas. North wind to 10 mph.
Tonight

Clear in the evening then becoming partly cloudy. Patchy fog after midnight. Lows zero to 15 below....coldest on the east side of town and outlying areas. Light winds.""

it is currently -3 degrees.
I am trying to figure out IF I have to go out today.
I might, I might not. I have not thrown up this am yet, I am sick just not as bad as today, THANKYOU!

well I am as used to cold as tempo is to hot, althou I think it gets cold there too.
I am learning more every time I read his blog, you should go read it!
it as a funny about the difference between OZ and NZ, and has some lovely references to sheep!

so if I have done it right you can click on the link(title of the post), or copy and paste and then bookmark his page, as it is a lovely read. Http://tempo11.blogspot.com/

I know I am not a big commenter but I do read all of my friends posts and it is always so nice to here about you all.
talk to you soon.

things are looking up.

2011-11-17T19:54:00.002-09:00

Dry fish that I can eat, and a certain homeless guy I know is not going to spend the winter outside-they are finally going to help him.

these are two positive things that happened today, I still threw up way to much but what the hell? my skin feels like it is on fire.

I really need to take more breaks between medication withdrawals. this isn't nearly as death provoking as I remember, well not my death. the fact that I border on hate for the rest of the human race is just my own little thing. oh and who ever has the hissing high squealing power brakes set up in my front room can really let up now. (I am hallucinating, woopie for me!) nothing funnier and sadder than me trying to track the source of the noise down and it is in my own head and the rest of you can't hear it.
umm yeah, whatever.
so I am going to take my 50 gajillion pills, (WTF) and sit with my horrendous stomach ache (My stomach hurts thinking about it. brushing what teeth I have left and falling into a 13 hour drug induced coma I call sleep. either today was the worst of it and it will be better when I get up, or I am horrible fucked and not in a good way.
in weather news we have a metric shit ton of snow, and it is blowing all over the place with temps of 15 to -15 Fahrenheit.
I picked a great time to be sick.
fine I am done with you TODAY, Mr thursday shit from hell day, and I am glad I never have to do you again.
that's my story and I am sticking to it.
night.

SOME DAYS

2011-11-17T12:38:00.002-09:00

every thing sucks
I am miserable, and sick.
and you get to the point where enough is enough.
I live where I work, and this am I told off my boss, NICE huh?
Sigh, some times like when the snow plough shows up at 2am (REALLY!!!???!) and wakes up that whole side of building cause it, it is 2 am. I know down stairs is a commercial property, but up stair is residential, and that I am my room-mates have rights.
yeah, right.
there are other things that I will not go into, but enough of it has piled up and I am not doing well.
I should not get near the computer when I am pissed, but then nothing would ever get done.
the new tenant I am renting to, has not heard one word I have said, and they haven't even moved in yet? WTF! so the whole time I talked to them all they heard was BLAHBLAHBLAH! why do I even try to explain to people what I will and will not put up with? no one listens.
that is why I am so pissed.
I need a break, but you don't get one from life now do you? I know I don't.
What THe Fuck?
as of now the computer is going off and I am crawling into my comic books and I do not know when I will come back out, but it will be a while.
as far as I care the world can go blow it's self, and fuck off and die.
I am out of here.

shit

2011-11-17T10:23:00.002-09:00

well I am fucked. I had a temper tantrum this am at someone important and it will not be taken well. I am so past the point of caring at this point.
everyone can just go fuck off.

okay...

2011-11-16T09:21:00.002-09:00

well I have sworn off food. as I have puked every time I eat so it is just water now. I cancelled my psych and PT due to my stomach, can't lay on it and do My I,T,Y,& w's. and I AM DAMN FED UP WITH DR'S RIGHT NOW!
so not much else other than I want the number of the truck that hit me.
this seemed to be better than last time as I have all summer built my body up for this and it has not been months of puking so I think am more resilient, this time, but each time it will get worse.
the migraine is there in the back ground like in my jaw which has been clinched for days now.
so I am not a happy camper. what am I going to do? what I always do put my head down and trudge.
thanks for reading.

okay.

2011-11-15T09:08:00.002-09:00

I woke up puking this a.m., and started a pot of soup.
All I had to do was move and breath.
it has started.
Now I find I am not as smart or as nice(to myself) as I thought?
I have 3 Dr Appts, Wednesday and Thursday.
Psyche, OB/GYN, and PT.
what the FUCK was I thinking?
I am anxious, nauseas, and My head is tight.
it will get worse, I have the migraine medicine handy and the puke pills.
we have had a metric shit ton of snow. so everything is nice and white and quiet.
so I am as fine as I can be, we will see how the day goes, then the week.
love ya guys and thanks for reading and caring!

things...

2011-11-14T16:26:00.002-09:00

today is one of those days, like any other, which means anything can happen. it is also the week before thanksgiving, and the day I start lowering meds for the winter.
By Thursday I will be puking. had the elavil cut in half.
being poisoned sucks but coming off of them is far worse.
Migraine, vomiting, body pain fever, you name it, it is like a case of the flu and food poisoning, and chewing tin foil at the same time.
Oh and lets not forget the constant state of tweak that I am in cause I no longer have these meds sedating me.
oh and yes the absolute terror when I have to shower or anything else that stimulates me.
I am in a constant state of over stimulation. and therefore the tweak is terrible.
you know that feeling of licking a 9 Volt battery? mix that with terror and there we go.
I feel like I am waiting for the world to fall apart, that horrid thing that is just looming off in the distance, waiting to cave my head in and do awful things to me, just like in my nightmares.
not surprised that it is reaching shower time a familiar sense of dread hits me and the night to come.
it will get better all I have to do is wait 5 minutes J tells me, some times he is right, and I love him for it, but most of the time he is wrong, and it is just starting.
will check in as I am house bound during this, depending on the nausea.
love to all.

......

2011-11-08T22:48:00.003-09:00

Freedom is in town, and we have been having fun, and due to hurricane force winds along the Alaska coast, I have her an extra night.
we went and had a nice slow day, shopping at Fred Meyers (and 3 rider carts later) and A fabric store visit. freedom got me in and out of the store for under 20.00. that was my budget, and I stuck to it.
and now I have a quiet night, as I promised a picture, Freedom took one of me at the fabric store (a very dangerous place) so there is that.
I actually like the picture.
good night and good luck!

Some-such

2011-10-23T14:14:00.002-08:00

not much to report here. down to 410lbs, for a 102lb weight loss from last year this time.
I have hair, yes I am not wearing my Mohawk. I am still cute, just smaller with more hair. I will have pictures as soon as I find the camera again. I still throw up daily, and I am in allot of pain, oh well.
like I said not much, just hanging in waiting for snow.
I love snow, (OBVIOUSLY) (where do I live again?)
snow.
it snows and the noise disappears, the snow dampens sound. it is so quiet and soft outside.
I hate the cold as it makes my pain worse, but snow is the best thing ever.
it is all I can remember for as long as I remember, and the bitter cold.
My favorite temp? about 55.
don't need a jacket, not to hot, no bugs. think spring and fall.
we have parks and wetlands all over the city, it is one of the reasons the town is so large 25X25miles or so.
10 minutes in any direction and there are trees and wet lands.
we have birds (ducks) that stay all year round cause assholes feed them.
so when I was out on Friday, and we went to the lagoon, it is separated by a bank and train tracks on top of the bank.
the water had a thin sheet of ice on it and the open areas they had ducks, and they would try to swim as close to us as they could get, quacking like mad ducks the whole time.
I do not appreciate those uppity ducks expecting me to feed them.
I do not feed the animals. it kills them.
***
so I sit and let the ducks abuse me hoping to see an eagle, that eagle would shut them up quick. there is a mated pair in the area.they are really beautiful.
it is better to sit in the cold and not smell the sewer treatment plant near by.
it was really busy on the board walk. runners biker walkers and all sorts just passing each other as they zoom by me, as I sit and watch the ducks.
My mother went to high school just up the hill from the ducks. there is also a wonder bread outlet store, they used to sell garbage bags, I mean Hefty bags size 33+gallon of day old bread that you could buy for 5 dollars and feed the ducks with.
I would get my bread for the ducks, and I would eat it. food was few and far between. my mother would buy food for the ducks and let us starve, so fair was fair.
I hate wonder bread.
hate the smell as you drive by and smell it baking.
it is the little things that get ya.
***
I have been watching snow creep down the mountains, another inch or more of progress, each time I look. soon it will snow for good and the winter shit will start.
things will not be as accessible for me when it snows. it gets harder and more dangerous to move outside. fortunately we have malls around here and I will start mall walking this winter.
I will miss the outside, and the sun.
I saw one of my drs and I will be going off my elavil again here after the first week of November as Freedom is coming to town, WHOO HOO! I am not getting sick for her being here. I will schedule being sick after she is gone!
Just things that rattle around in my brain.
so this is it for now. love to all.

2011-10-04T10:25:00.000-08:00

There is a cat in this picture. It took me awhile but I found it......lol

2011-09-29T08:55:00.001-08:00

Why do people think I care?

2011-09-27T20:42:00.002-08:00

I am venting so if you don't want to hear swearing then stop reading.

I rent the rooms where I live. I don't get paid for it. it is something I do because it is what I am best at. I can tell you in 30 seconds what they will be like and do as a tenant.
it is scary how accurate I am.
but this being a business and it isn't mine, the business is to make money.
that is done by keeping rooms rented.
I don't like what I do. I am good at it.
I don't like the people I rent to. 90% of the time I regret renting to people.
but the business isn't mine and I do what I am told.

tenants when they move in here are told some very important things.
clean up after yourself, pay your rent, don't cause problems.
don't look for J in my room, it is off limits.
and DON"T ASK ME ABOUT BUILDING BUSINESS.
I can't help you. I don't want to, don't have to.
I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!!!
I cannot help you. I am not the manager.
I am an unpaid secretary, who is intensely uninterested in your problems.
Now if you are sick or hungry, then I am more than happy to help.
if you want to see me for me, then I am happy to see you.
for ANY other reason, Fuck off!

and they just don't get it, they are confused.
does never talk to me again sound confusing?
the last 2 time the tenant in ? has talked to be it has been about building business.
what the fuck is wrong with this asshole?
the first time I laughed at him and walked off letting the manager handle it.
tonight I was not so nice, friend or in any way helpful.
I was screaming and screaming some more.

I have my limits. and every fucken time I leave my room one of these assholes do it.
I am sick. and I hate leaving my room, cause every time I do some asshole jumps my shit.
well living arrangements change.
soon I will be moving.
not because I want to but because some one is dying, and I may never get offered this kind of a situation again. I have already turned it down twice before.
then I will not have to deal with this but some other damn thing.
why did I wake up this morning for this shit?
you are now back to your regularly scheduled program.
tomorrow better be better than today, or some one is getting screamed at.
I hope one day to meet my maker, so I can then kick it's collective ass for this bullshit life I have, dealing with stupid people.
everyone has to live somewhere.
Part of my ad should say, No ASSHOLES.
but then you can't discriminate, and even assholes need a place to live.
Just don't ask me to care about you if you are to stupid to live.
just do everyone a favor and win a Darwin Award.
then fuck off.

DO you fart in bed?

2011-09-27T20:25:00.000-08:00

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP F...OR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

2011-09-25T10:50:00.000-08:00

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
...
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

- The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

- My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

- My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

- I had no control over the drooling.

- Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

- I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

- I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it

the more things change...

2011-09-20T16:38:00.004-08:00

they just do. well for an update to all who care, and if you don't care then why are you reading this? just a thought, those who matter don't mind, and those who don't matter do mind. which are you? if you are the second then... fuck off!

I have lost 94 lbs since this time last year. I am down to 418lbs.
how did I do it? I'm sick.
still trying to get into the rheumatologist, who knows what year that will be, if it is this hard to even get a referral?
*sigh*
I vomit daily, usually first thing in the am, and usually when I eat.
I look good. (snort)
umm. yeah right...
the sun tan and growing my hair out, and the weight loss become me.
(now if I can just keep from loosing the rest of my teeth.)
CT is learning trigger point release therapy from Freedom and youtube. it is the only way I can move. even them it is screaming pain.
sometimes it is just screaming.
when it hits it hits hard and leaves me drained for days.
I sleep allot more and I am less medicated, go fig?
*Sigh*
things are in the works for the winter, and the spring beyond.
I am actually looking forward to winter.
*SIGH*
although fall is the best time of year.
this winter I will start the great medication reduction, again.
so for now I sit under my heating blanket, and read and watch TV.
I have allot of help between CT, and J and CH. and all of my other lovely friends...
so for the most part things are good. not great but in time I hope for things to get better.
what else do I do, but have hope?
no one said I would live forever.
or that it would be fair or fun.
it is interesting
lots of love and thanks for reading.

2011-09-18T14:22:00.001-08:00

if you call me at 10pm...

2011-09-18T10:02:00.002-08:00

And threaten to kill yourself I will call the police to do a wellness check, and they will take you to the Psych ER, where you will have a nice visit with the people in scrubs.

*SIGH*

How did your Saturday night go?
well welcome to my Saturday night.
one of my friends that I have known for 17 years, called me last night.
"I am tired and fed up and I have a plan to fix it all."
"what is the plan?"
"I can't talk about it, but I have enough pills in the house to do myself in"
so yeah umm...
being that I spent most of my life suicidal, I know what she is saying.
The hospital called me this am to talk about her. they can't confirm that she is there, but they want info. fine. she is probably pissed at me, no I know she is.
Really really really angry.
calling people before they go to bed to tell them that you are offing yourself is totally inappropriate. I am glad she called, instead of doing something stupid.
she has the history and the means.
that is something I can't ignore.
but for me not to take that shit seriously, WHAT THE FUCK!!!
what if she had done something and I had not said something?
most of my friends are dead or disappeared.
she is it from those days, and I truly love her.
actions and behaviour have consequences.
maybe one day she will not hate me for stopping her.
right now I don't care as long as she is safe.
whatever.

2011-09-17T22:38:00.001-08:00

none of the above

2011-08-23T17:00:00.000-08:00

Mating Call

2011-08-20T13:38:00.000-08:00

Mating Call

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

You'll like this

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!

What is that noise you are listening to?

2011-08-15T15:53:00.003-08:00

is a cat being raped? nope, just me singing.
I sing, didn't say I could I just like to for me. it makes me happy.
I got stuck in the 1980's romantic/new wave/punk stuff.
SHOCK! SHOCK THE MONKEY!!!!
------
it is hard to be around me if you have a head ache, one, I am keyed up, on gack level nine.
yes, GACK! not a word the spell check tells me.
Gack, that feeling that you have just before you puke, when your body is going at warp 90++++, and you want to die.

OMGOODNESS!!!! is this going to be a fun post? well no that was the last one but it won't be as bad as possible.

I am so gacked. I have been puking really bad, so that my head feels like it is going to explode. my face is a mess with all of the broken blood vessels, I am "spotty"
on a good note I am losing weight hand over fist, and my ass is disappearing at an alarming rate, mostly rapidly.
how is this weight loss different?
it is coming off and staying off. I have a bunch of muscle, that I have never had.
you can see my spine and I have hipbones and ribs that I can feel,
also everything hurts like hell. also I can do what I have to to help myself, which at this point is not much.
Oh I "look" good.
yeah something of a slight tan and over 100lbs of weight loss. I am growing my hair for now so the mohawk is funny looking to say the least. like an over grown chia pet.

I have a new camera but I am still learning to use it, so a picture will be soon, I promise.
and when I am less spotty..
I am okay. the guys are taking care of me and making it much easier to do this. I got really angry after my mother died and I got very sick, and I am only now able to hold small things down again, bananas, bananas, gack.
I walked out of the shower the other night and walked past the trash can in the main kitchen and puked in it. it smelled bad but not like that bad.
so that got changed immediately.
so life goes on and I hold on.
here is the song I am listening to right now so I will leave you with that. later folks thanks for reading.

Love The Irish

2011-08-15T15:38:00.002-08:00

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't
even at home yesterday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies - I'm goin ta take her with me!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy:
"We'll lie and say we only found two."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

nothing new

2011-08-14T17:35:00.002-08:00

nothing new, just sick and depressed.
life is good, well most of the time.

hey!

2011-07-27T11:16:00.002-08:00

things are better. life goes on.
I see my psych provider today then my therapist next week.
all is good in Shannon land.
I want to to thank those who read this. it is hard to read and even harder to write.
I have never been one for writing, it makes me accountable.
but here I am and I am writing...
thanks for all the love and support.

fine

2011-07-26T12:40:00.002-08:00

I found out that I have to go to family if I want info.
you know what? it isn't worth it to me right now.
she died in a long term facility, probably hooked up to tubes and drugged out of her mind.
hopefully it was quick and painless.
my mother was there when my grandmother passed and apparently she went out screaming.
I hope that she was ready and it was quick, and she just passed peacefully.
it is what I would want for myself, well not the tube and drugged up part I can do with out that.
My relatives are viscous, and they scare the shit out of me.
I just don't need that in my life.
I am okay and things are well and I just don't think about things.
eventually things always work themselves out. they just do and it is what it is.
I would rather live my life the way I have apart from them.
even it means that I don't know details. I won't have the hassles either.
I have my own family and my own life, what I have always wanted.
what else is there?

Thank you

2011-07-24T10:01:00.002-08:00

I have really great friends.

there us so much unfinished business with my mother.
I am not the only one who goes through this.
I called the hospital that my mother died at to get more info with out going to family.
that is something that I don't want to do, deal with that bunch of psychopaths.
I will hear back eventually. hopefully I can piece her last days together in my head.
I do love her, I just could not deal with her and stay safe. she had such a need to hurt, herself and others. can't stop loving and hating her.
hate is something that sits with you for years, it eats your soul alive and whole.
hate is allot like revenge, when you plan revenge dig two graves, theirs and yours.
I would like to get through this with the minim of fuss. find out what I need to know.
the vultures have already picked everything clean.
(my mother told me the last time I saw her last year that she wanted her stuff to go to some one who deserved it. I wished her luck in finding that person, and I would not discuss it further)
some pictures would be nice, that's all I want, some damn pictures!
but umm, yeah that is really going to happen.
I made my goodbyes the last time I saw her, as I had for years every time I saw her. Maybe that is why there are no tears as they were all cried such a very long time ago. and there are so many of them left in other areas that I need my tears for me.
that was the decision that I made years ago: me or Her. I tried for a long time to try to give us both what we wanted, at my total expense.
that is the way it was her or me.
I knew her better than anyone else ever did, I kept her secrets and held her pain, and she abused me terribly. She Always came first. that was no way to live my life.
I wanted all the things I saw other have. I finally have that.
I am happy.
she is dead, and gone.
life goes on.
I miss what could have been but I have had that all my live wanting what others had.
thanks so much for all the love.
you guys rock.

I think I am okay...

2011-07-23T08:58:00.002-08:00

My mother is dead.
oh shit.
I do know this. I did everything the way I am not ashamed of.
our lack of a relationship was her fault, and the fact I would not let her walk on me, in me or through me.
It hurts to know that nothing will be set straight.
I am not really very happy right now.
when has MY happiness ever mattered?
now.
I have no idea where this is going, stay tuned.
BTW thanks for all the love, you guys are better than my family.
that is saying allot.

the monster is dead.

2011-07-22T15:09:00.003-08:00

Pamela Rae Gratrix-Wilson, 67, passed away May 31, 2011, at St. Elias Specialty Hospital in Anchorage.

She was born Oct. 17, 1943, in Ohio.

She moved with her parents and siblings, becoming a resident of Anchorage in 1951. She was a true Alaska girl at heart.

Pamela was a fun, good-natured woman with a heart of gold. She enjoyed drawing and other art forms, as well as being a very good storyteller. As a young woman, Pamela was involved with Job's Daughters.

She graduated from West Anchorage High School in 1963. Pamela then went on to further her education and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts (cum laude) from Alaska Pacific University in 1990. Pamela continued her education and artwork throughout her life.

Pamela found joy in spending time with her family and friends. She loved a good joke and a great meal. She had an eye for color and loved gnomes. She had an adventurous spirit that will live on in those who loved her most.

She is survived by her brothers, Erldon Gratrix Jr. and Kris Gratrix; sisters-in-law, Wendi Gratrix and Sharon Gratrix; her children, Seann and Shannon; many nieces, nephews, great-nieces and great-nephews with whom she was very close, both in Anchorage and in Minnesota; and many friends and caretakers.

Pamela was preceded in death by her parents, Erldon and Irene Gratrix, and brother, John Robert (J.R.) Gratrix, with whom she was very close.

A service will be at 4 p.m. Tuesday at ChangePoint Church, 6689 ChangePoint Drive.

Arrangements were entrusted to Legacy Funeral Home Kehl's Chapel.

******************************
I found out today, from a acquaintance that my Mother the monster died, almost 2 months ago.
My God I am related to these people...
there are no tears.
Both of my parents have been dead to me for years now.
All I can sit here with is a sense of relief.
The monster is dead and will never hurt me again.
I am surprisingly happy.
the only question is why did it take so long for me to find out?
My relatives know where I am. it is not like I am in hiding. they find me when it is convenient for them.
that is what gets me. that and that crappy obituary, who wrote that drivel?
"Pamela was a fun, good-natured woman with a heart of gold."
My mother was fun~ in the rip the eyelids off of kittens kind of way.
Good natured? she was vicious and knew how to draw blood.
yeah her heart was made of gold : hard shiny and not much use.
God finally answered my prayers and killed her.
All I have is this over whelming sense of relief that the bitch is dead.
why did it take so long?
If I hadn't had such a Jones about hurting myself, what would it of been like?
in walks my mother.

she raped and beat and starved me and I think it is far time that this stage of my life is over and I can start on the rest of my life with out that bitch hanging over my head.

bush babies...

2011-07-11T19:01:00.002-08:00

Click the title for more info. these beautiful creatures are almost extinct.
dealing with humans stresses them out and they tend to kill themselves in captivity, by smashing there heads where there soft spot is. the DO NOT thrive in captivity, they need fresh live bugs and to be left alone as they are nocturnal, and need to sleep.
it is tragic how these animals are being let to die out.
they are adorable, and so very fragile.

I snagged this from AV

2011-06-26T11:02:00.001-08:00

http://thingsthatarenotnormal.blogspot.com/2011/06/fixations.html?zx=5db70f41febd5731 or click on the title!

I hope all is well with all of you this lovely Sunday morning!

2011-06-21T16:08:00.002-08:00

My internet connection at best is severely unstable at this time.
this is the first time I have been able to get on since Saturday.
will work on getting to read everyone's stuff.
have not forgot about all of you.
later

another year come and gone

2011-06-13T11:54:00.002-08:00

to morrow is my 41st b day. Yeah me! I rock! I survived another year.
WHOO HOOO!

we will be having jello poke cake, in lemon cake/lime jello, and lemon cake and strawberry jello.
on tomorrow and one for Sunday when mine and CT's b day bash will be held.

we will be having the party Sunday afternoon, and fun and food will be had by all.
(I will be doing all the cooking, something I am totally okay with as I haven't done any kind of party cooking for a bit so I am not totally burned out on it. I will be after this Sunday.)
it is cheaper his way. no extravagant cake or presents it will be a quiet bday.
Although I got a hand full of organic dates this am, Nice HUH?
speaking of dates, I make a really easy cooked pudding.

bananas (ripe and chunked up out if the peel of course)
dates (get the stone out, gloves will keep your hands from getting sticky, or you can spend a grand time chewing on your fingers. getting all the sugar off of your hands.)
and coconut milk. (well a little butter for the pan, and some vanilla, the good stuff, and maybe some pumpkin pie spice (I put it in every thing) ( if I was stuck with only 3 spices to cook with it would be basil, cumin and PPS, so there)
put it on the stove in a pan and cook over medium heat until most of the bananas and dates become undistinguishable from the rest (15 minutes or so)
serve hot or cold and it is delicious.
and as far as amounts equal dates to bananas, and a couple of cans of coconut milk.
this would usually go on my blog "all you can stomach" that is my cooking blog but what the hell... I am feeling festive.
so happy un-birthday to me and happy birthday to me tomorrow.

I will be having fun between melt downs.

love you all and thanks for all the support you have all given me in the last year.
I hope that this year to come will be as awesome as the last!

well gee....

2011-06-11T14:18:00.002-08:00

My last post was about frustration and things that happen that I really don't want to deal with.
I got really angry and made my self sick. are my expectations realistic?, no.
I want (just like everyone else) is to be treated for the person I am.
that is why the internet is so great. I don't know most of you except through your writings.
I have found some very beautiful people.
I may not always read or comment but you guys(and gals) are never far from my heart.

I have been off enjoying the summer and working on my tan (which is finally peeling(I guess I did get sun burned!!~!)) and trying to enjoy myself before winter hits and I start losing meds again.
(I WANT OFF ALL OF MY MEDS NOW)
we are looking at 3 more winters of this.
at least.

so I love you guys and think happy thoughts!

(apparently ignoring people works really well, I think the guy has gotten the hint that he is dog shit in my book)

while I am here...

2011-06-06T17:52:00.002-08:00

I will discuss something that is currently bugging me.
I am losing weight. more than that I am gaining muscle and dropping size.
it may come to a screeching halt.
I cannot get my head wrapped around this.

MEN.

I wish I was sexless.
I don't like the looks I am getting.
it actually hurts when I catch a guy staring at my tits.
yes they are big, but come on, look at my eyes, not where you think my nipples are.
YOU SUCK!
we had a new tenant move in and he is "let me take you out to lunch," and "you are the perfect woman Shannon."
I don't let men buy me anything, you know why? cause I owe them a blow job for the lunch they paid for.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!
so I am hiding out in my room afraid of running into said asshole. (I am afraid of what I am going to say to him, it will not be nice.)
I am afraid for the next guy that is inappropriate. I don't know what I will do, but years of repressed actions for all the times I have been raped will be ugly.
I am really afraid.
I just want to be left alone.
this is seriously screwing with my head and my weight loss.
last time I was raped in 2006, the weight just piled back on.
maybe therapy tomorrow will help.
I feel trapped and I HATE it.
carry on with you life and thanks for listening.

nothing

2011-06-05T14:18:00.002-08:00

big or new to report in a holding pattern and trying not to think about what comes next.
(more meds to get rid of) (get into see the rheumatologist)

just trying to enjoy the summer and my 41st bday later this month.

hope all is well with you.

all my love
adora

Happy bday Beth!

2011-05-23T13:48:00.001-08:00

I hope your day is as wonderful as you~!

work, or what I do when at my computer

2011-05-17T14:55:00.002-08:00

I rent properties. where I live and other wise.
it keeps me busy. Like I can never have my phone ringer on.
they call at 2 am.
or the guys that called me from the states.
"HI I am morbidly obese and my arms are too short to reach my ass, you got anyone to help with that?" "Just Kidding!!!"
then we proceeded to talk about how scary women are and he wanted to know about me and my girlfriends. sorry not going to discuss that with you have to go.
or what time is it where you are?
you have the ad that I placed on CL if you don't know what time zone Alaska is in you are in trouble. answer Alaska Standard time! google it.
or there is the guy who had 80 or so (and I am rounding down) charges for everything. drugs violence and so on over the last 25 years. and he has spent more time in jail than out. only sober due to being in jail. when you have 2 years clean(and-oh-so-proud-of-it) and you have been in jail for the last 2 years, we don't need to talk.
or the woman that called me from drug treatment and didn't bother to tell me, I had to figure it out my self. when I called her back to let her know we had things serious to talk about, she never showed up.
today I have a worker call from the shelter I told her everything was in the ad and that I will not deal with third parties.
everything is in the ad. with the volumes of calls I get it is really hard to tell every single person everything. therefore the ad. if you can't take the time to read the ad,~ we have nothing to talk about.
most of the time I cringe when I have to answer the phone.
people are stupid and incredibly rude.
I just turn it around.
what else can I do?
back to the salt mines, now that I have complained about the idiots I have to deal with.
now I just have to fill 2 empty rooms with non idiot people.
yeah. right. whatever.

yesterday

2011-05-10T20:19:00.002-08:00

was 6 years for J and I. the day passed like any other.
I am tired and irritable.
constant mind numbing pain will do that.
I am always so damn cold.
no it is not my thyroid. whatever knows that they check it every time I give blood for tests.
they usually take 750 ML when they do and I am dizzy and usually pissed. blood from a stone you say? here look at my arm? I know. I used to shoot up there, slim pickings.
so I went and say therapist today. she had the heater on and a soft blanket in her office. I was into that heater and blanket in no time flat like a happy cat.
it rocked. she said I was less irritable after that. till I had to leave.
now I am sitting here trying to keep dinner down which consisted of long cooking hot cereal mixed with hemp protein powder and oat milk.
I like what hemp does to my body, and how it makes me feel. and the oat milk is really nice, milk that tastes like a thin oatmeal cookie.
it will be better than what animal products do.
so that is that I will start going down on meds soon, have to see the Dr first. at this point I might out live my stay on meds. looking at 3 years at this rate.
whatever. I have spent over half my life medicated what is a few year more? just the rest of my life.
fine I hate things right now. no wonder I am such a bitch right now.
whatever

Together alone

2011-05-08T16:10:00.001-08:00

I absolutely HATE mother's day

2011-05-08T10:34:00.003-08:00

HATE IT. why?
have you met my mother no, then read my blog.
today is a fucken scam day. full of bullshit.
I was fine sleeping at my computer sick to my stomach trying not to puke, when I get woken up and have the fucken day forced on me,
so much screaming later, I am alone with everyone in the spaces dreading the next encounter with me.
Just leave me alone.
I hate the day and what bullshit it represents.
My mother left me with nothing well less than that and now she is dying alone.
take your fucken mothers day and shove it up your shiny happy ass. Just leave me the fuck out of it.
(middle finger)

well I went back today

2011-05-06T18:53:00.001-08:00

and there in the rocks above the trees were the ravens and a nest up in there. I could hear the babies! I have pictures when I process them I will put them on. night for now

the eagle and the three ravens

2011-05-06T10:03:00.003-08:00

CT and I were going swimming! were.
we ended up driving up the coast near beluga point.
why is it called beluga point?, cause you can see beluga whales swimming in there pods.
so we pull off the road. WHY DON'T I BRING MY CAMERA?
well I didn't bring it. CRAP!
so we sit in the sun and walk to a minor water fall on the side of the road.
we drive farther down the coast, and we find this spot. it is really sunny and lightly raining. the sky is navy in color in some places. so we see this eagle and this raven dive bombing each other. so we watch for the next hour in the rain and sun the eagle and first one raven then two then three show up to kick the eagle out of this tree that is 100 ft from me to the eagle. they fight in the air and such for the next hour, then chase the eagle off. I have never been so close to one, and it was talking to me.
in all it was a beautiful day by where the ocean meets the mountains.
so I will bring Mister camera!

learned all I know about being cold from Alaska

2011-05-05T10:38:00.004-08:00

well it looked like it from this side of the winnie the pooh curtains. I forget that light doesn't mean warm as nice as it has been. I rained solid yesterday and oh boy did we need it...
it is still sleepy day I stayed in bed till 9:45am and everyone else is still sleeping more than an hour later. I have made tea and such startings for the day I am currently getting a start on the days medication natural or other wise.
did you know that I have 3 guys to take care of me?
J you should know who he is, CT my PCA he does far more than he gets paid for, and horse he is the recovering crack head that I get pissed at every so often and put him in deep freeze land. I learned all I know about being cold from Alaska.
(I got diverted by the morning and care and feeding the family.)
we had eggs and toast and fruit.
I am making up lamb with carrots and potatoes and elephant garlic and onion and leeks.
I am soaking it all in half and half, and spices. it will be roasted tonight or tomorrow. haven't decided.
me and CT are going swimming, hopefully soon and then we can sit in my room and watch a movie he bought on DVD. hopefully I can sit through the movie. I have trouble sitting still for more than 10 minutes.
so instead of walking today. we will swim.
the weight is coming off, and now that the cramping from the dandelion incident has subsided it is time to move again. so I am off to my day.
up by 9am sleep by 9pm.
yes I do need that much sleep, sucks but it takes my meds that long to start to wear off.
so if you see me splashing by just wave, I will be the piranha shark with the mohawk beefing up on my bare fist fighting of sharks.
I know it is okay if you don't understand, nobody does =P

well it was bound to happen...

2011-05-03T11:30:00.002-08:00

I have been playing with herbs.
ginger, slippery elm, peppermint. dandelion, turmeric and such.
I make teas, and capsules out of these things.
this is what I am doing instead of taking the dr's drugs.
what happened? explosive diarrhoea!
I mixed up the dandelion with the ginger, in tea yesterday. so instead of pain relieving tea, I get "OH shit I have to shit" tea. at least that is how it works on me.
and I have muscle cramps in my lower legs.
I am on the cane today because of it.
lack of water in my system from the dandelion root.
dandelion literally translated means wets the bed.
dandelion is also a laxative!
umm, yeah fun!
but at least I figured it out before I got too sick.

Just because it is natural doesn't mean it is always safe.
I have what I figure to be a fair knowledge of these things. AND I catch this stuff before it kills me. I have a better success rate then the dr's, at least with me.
so I am learning to deal with my mistakes.
hey everyone who had the tea has a squeaky clean colon.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

does it never end? I was writing this and I got interrupted by work. and I will be back and forth to this most of the day. what does work entail? stuff at the computer, on the telephone and just general screwing around. The pay is shit and non-existent but it keeps me busy, and in trouble with everyone ROFLMAO!

Fuck me,*You should see the faces of men when I say that, and I do allot*
well folks here is to the day stuck to the computer, and ahem, toilet!

murder...

2011-05-02T18:59:00.002-08:00

even if it is government sanctioned it is still murder.
I am sorry but the ends don't justify the means.
actually I am not sorry murder is wrong.
and we have all see what an eye for an eye gets... dead children?
they hate us more than they love life.
and we hate them and all it gets us is sick or dead.

so lets celebrate whole sale murder and be glad it is "us" and not "them".

ummm...?

does this not sit right with anyone else?

HELLO?

yeah right that is what I thought. lets do it the same way we have always done it.
how many more will hate and kill us before we are done?
might makes right.

it is truly a sad day when we celebrate murder.
how many more deaths does there need to be?
lots.
they won't forgive this.
and we won't forgive them. and in 100 years our descendants will be doing the same damn thing.

lets hope we have learned something here.
probably not.

spring has sprung...

2011-05-01T10:23:00.002-08:00

and everyone else is too. I was okay then I get sick again like I am now.
in a great deal of pain but getting stuff done.
I broke allot of blood vessels in my face, puking for 2 hours. finally got it under control.
my body was worse for wear so Meh.
I am too tired and just wanted to post an update.
it has been better.
it has been worse.
hope everyone is well and taking it easy this Saturday late morning. hope all is well.

2011-04-26T19:16:00.002-08:00

well all hell has broken loose the last couple of days and now it is quiet except for the music from my computer and the sounds of spring clean up.

I am in a good spot right now. not much pain and I am feeling loved.

I have implemented some things that will help. the sign on my door. staying away from every one, and when they get near me letting them to know to be slow and cool with me or all hell will break loose.

I don't have the attention span for my usual diversions. so I walk. or I do the computer thing. or hide under my heating blanket which is where I am off to after this.

I was cooking Easter before all hell broke loose. I just left all of the food. it is sitting in the fridge, and can rot for all I care. I will have someone take care of it.

so it is not all bad, just painful.
love to all.

we will see...

2011-04-25T18:37:00.002-08:00

if this post gets finished or not.

things went better than expected at Dr.
I am coming off of the meds to fast, and as a result I am very sick.

I am also trying to deal with all the energy and bullshit that less meds entail.

I am at the end of my rope here mentally. guys in the building are stomping my boundary's and pushing like hell cause everyone is acting badly.

the current sign on my door says: unless you have business with me(Shannon) get away from my door. if you look for J here I will call the police, ignore this at your own peril, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

I get to writing a post and all fuck breaks loose. so they sit and never get finished.

I can feel my body is starting in a flare period. what does that mean ? all I know is it will hurt, what else is new?

it always hurts. sometimes it is good, sometimes bad. always pain.
I am still losing weight, and I have a tan so I will post a picture soon when ever that is.

well so much for not losing my temper in the time it took to write this post.
if this post wasn't already dome it would have been shit canned like the dozen others, I have tired to write in the last month.

I am NOT okay here.
I need a vacation, If any one wants me I will be in my heating blanket sobbing.

Enjoy!

2011-04-23T18:16:00.001-08:00

hmmm...

2011-04-21T08:12:00.003-08:00

well it is the ass crack of dawn, no scratch that if you don't sleep it is night still? not at 815 am.
I have been sick all night, just one of those things and I am stressed to boot.
I see dr fucktard in over an hour.
well it should be interesting.
well wish me luck I will need it, as the damn dr is an idiot.
would he treat someone he loves like this? I think not.
I don't want him to love me just not be a total asshole and try to kill me.
I am going to ask him "what were you thinking doing what you have done?"
what do you mean? the ultram. if he gives me the drug seeking behaviour talk, I am getting up and walking out
drug. seeking. behaviour.
yeah that why I am puking everyday for the last 7 months coming off these damn meds.
I don't know weather to laugh or cry. god help me if I start doing both.
I am primed for a major melt down, I have to be really careful.
wish me well I will need it.

Okay, fine...

2011-04-20T18:56:00.002-08:00

I have been sick, what else is new?
meds or the flu that is going around? no both.
I have been up and around. my choices?
stay in bed while I am sick? I would never leave the house.
currently I am running a mild fever, puking and the like.
I figure that if I am going to be miserable I might as well make the most of it.
for the 1/2 an hour that I was out I was walking the block. this is where someone takes me and "Mister walker" my walker on a drag. anything faster than the super slow speed I go is dragging. but a block in half an hour is not bad, well not for me. I wasn't even moving this time last year.
so I am in the middle of week 2 of going down on the elavil. down to 50mgs at night. well next week I am going down again 25mgs, I will just cut the 50mg tabs in 1/2.
either I will get really sick or it will be okay. (I am planning on both)
so off to PCP that I have not seen since July of last year.
god do I feel like pressed puppy shit.
Yippy skippy!
I am trying to get water down so my migraine will go away. if I can keep the water down, hang on a sec I have to go get a puke pill! I don't ever think that I will give up puke pills. they are my one saving grace. I got the kind that dissolve under your tongue, with the watermelon taste of death. then they give you an intense headache right in the front of your head. it has to be the nutrasweet in them, yes they put neurotoxins in my puke pills! nice huh?
well a choice between tearing up what throat I have left, or aspartame. I pick the poison.
try puking every day multiple times a day for years... nice huh?
I have to leave the house at the ass crack of dawn, well for me 9am. to go see the PCP.
I will need puke pills for that, I will get to the car and barf everywhere.
not like I have eaten anything today. didn't even get my smoothie today. which is made from cold pressed hemp protein powder, juice and sometimes oat or hazel nut milk, or fruit(if I have any) and sometimes Greek yoghurt. one must do what one must do yo get the protein in, that my body will accept. and if it comes back up, it is already blended so no hassles there.
do you hate when you get the hot pricklies? I do. usually this time of day I am under my heating blanket for say 4 or so hours. I sleep when I can. well not during the day at least I have a huge issue with that, for me. I sleep at night or not at all.
the PCP I see tomorrow brought up something, that one of his esteemed colleagues brought up last time see here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin_syndrome
my question is this:
they knew what meds I was on when the put me on the ultram, and kept subscribing it to me knowing this. why? if it could kill me at the doses I was taking then why did they keep giving it to me?
not like it was working any ways.
these drugs even though I need some of them are poison, pure and simple.
POISON!!!
*sigh*
well the last specialist I saw is going to write me a letter to accompany the referral to the rheumatologist. they are far and few between up here that will take my government sponsored health care, actually there is only one up here, most have to fly to Washington state to get help.
so he said he would do this because I don't have drug seeking behaviour. I told him that if I have to do the pain clinic thing I am dead. My drug of choice was heroin. So they want to put me on fentanyl. nice can you say I will die if I go on them? they are the last line.
so what does this mean? I am fucked and not in a good way. well it feels like it.
so I go see PCP (there are so many other names that I have been calling him in my head all during this and none are nice) so I am not happy.
and it just keeps going.
do you ever feel like it is all too much? well right now it is. I have to go and get my meds down me. this was supposed to help and now I am all riled.
Okay, fine!

just a note!

2011-04-10T22:03:00.002-08:00

I have had some back to back good days out in springtime land. all that stops tonight.
my next med decrease just started when I took my nightly meds. I will be puking by Thursday.
Illness is bad even when you plan for it. I hurt and I am exhausted. it will get worse before it gets better. that is okay cause it is the way it has to be.
so when I have better finger control I will type more love to all!

Guess what?

2011-04-05T13:44:00.003-08:00

it is snowing...
FUCK!
okay now that we have the swearing out of the way I hope.
Fuck, nope I just looked out side again. I am off to get picture of this bullshit. will be back later with them.
what happened to breakup?
it is melting, it is intermittent snow~!
forget spring... just let most of the snow melt, and get a good rain to wash the ugly dirt away.
at least it looks kinda clean out there but not for long. it was bad enough that someone had top go do snow removal.

Summary

Today
Snow...diminishing this afternoon. Snow accumulation 2 to 4 inches. Highs in the mid to upper 30s. South wind 10 to 20 mph. Along Turnagain Arm and higher elevations...southeast wind 15 to 30 mph becoming light by midday.

Tonight
Snow showers. Additional snow accumulation 1 to 3 inches. Lows in the 20s. Light winds becoming north 10 to 15 mph after midnight.
********************
I feel like a train hit me, but nothing new is it.
I get cold spells where I am absolutely freezing and others where I am melting, dying of heat.
last night it was hot, so the ice packs came out, and today also.
I was able to cook breakfast with 4 peoples help, and of course they got fed.
eggs-country scrambled, so that they whites and yolks are separate.
potatoes with peppers and onions and porks sausage. some pork brown and serve links, and grits.
I would be a vegetarian, except for pork and cheese.
we all sat around for 2 hours and talked while I was cooking, and we ate at our leisure. snow got removed and food was plentiful. it is nice to live in such a community with like minded people.
I have great room-mates. one of my room-mates got a date shipment, from the lower 48. he has friends that own an organic date farm, and OH MY GOODNESS the dates were delicious.
I brought out the brownies I made. boy did they go quick I made 5 pans, Saturday.
but of course they guys around here live on take-out pizza, deli food and cans of crap.
so when something resembling a home cooked meal appears, they go wild.
as all of them are bachelors, except for J. so that says it there. well at least for the guys I live with.
I know the men who read my blog might take offence at my generalization but it is what it is.
I have seen some of what passes for food for them. most of them have the pizza joints are on speed dial LOL!
I have actually had to tell a few of them "you can't cook in the kitchen" it is a war zone with the smoke alarms going off. and the smell takes forever to get out of the building.
they are a bunch of little boys in grown up bodies.
one of them said they used the oven yesterday and could still smell the brownies that I made Saturday.
I make the most of the 2 kitchens here.
so that is today. all of energy is gone. I am going to go lay down and try to get my internal temp to match the rest of the world and I hope to get a shower tonight. but that is a wait and see kinda of thing, depending on others kind of thing. made a bunch of dr's appts for this month, and I am even more mad at the dr's than I was.
I don't want to see anyone other than the rheumatologist. but I have to see PCP and get him to write my prescriptions right. they still think I am taking 3 baclofen a day and I am all but off it. no point paying for medication I am not using. time to go down the elavil, the puking all the time has stopped, and I am smelling burning every where I go. it is not a pleasant smell to hallucinate. I am going to have to have my rings resized, I keep switching for bigger fingers. I have lost that much weight. I figure near 100 lbs now. I will see when I get weighted next and that will be Thursday, when I see my psych provider. the weight is really noticeable now. so taht is my world today folks. here is something I dug up from 1981. from "The Secret Policeman's Other Ball" I first saw this on video in 1984 it has stuck with me as my favorite version of the song!
Enjoy!

love and politics

2011-04-04T10:58:00.002-08:00

about the size of it...

so i am sitting here

2011-04-03T20:47:00.002-08:00

had a big day of nothing. haven't even left my room. I am hiding.
I want a shower, I don't have the energy for a shower. and I have to have help.
CT was sick last week and I think I have it. the flu pains are telling me so.
I managed to get all of my meds down today, and I was able to eat a small salad.
Oh and I had SUGAR!!!! I was going 1 billion miles an hour. now I have lack of attention span and run over feelings. blah meh...
so now I am trying to decide what I will do. it will involve my bed, potty and a book if my eyes will focus, if not I will try to sleep.
the shower is not a good idea as I still have food in my stomach, and unless I want to clean it out of the shower... yeah right. it takes even longer.
blah is good. it keeps me out of trouble.
so here is hoping everyone has a good night, including me.
love to all.

Check for Alzheimer's

2011-04-03T16:36:00.001-08:00

You have a better chance of getting it right if you read slowly
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can
read each line aloud without a mistake..
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6 This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

Irate Irene

2011-04-03T12:59:00.003-08:00

that is what they called my grandmother.
she was always grandmother to me.
she used to call my father chicken legs.
and the fight would begin.
when I was little, my grandparents took care of us while my mother would work.
my parents divorced when I was 7.
So instead of getting stuck taking a nap with grandfather(which was horrid in ways I can't even begin to explain) I would hide against my grandmother.
she would be drunk, my grandmother was Irish.
she would drink to the point that she would have blackout binges for weeks.
her binges were famous.
and it was plain that she was hurting, and stuck.
she was only a woman after all.
women mean nothing unless they produce male children.
it was a very chauvinistic house hold. my grandfather held the funds. so when he died she was at a loss cause she didn't even know how to balance a check book.
she and I would talk of a time when we would leave the family, it was a secret, our secret.
we would run away, and she and I would live together. away from all of the family. and we would be able to live our lives as they should be lived.
she would cry and I would hold her, she was such a pitiful mess. drunk all over herself, crying. and wishing for anything other than the life she led.
it was our secret. the ties that bind. it made us cohorts.
she was the only one who ever loved me. not my parents and the rest. I was a burden who had yet to full fill her potential.
the only thing lower than a woman, was a woman with out children, she might as well kill herself! god forbid she wasn't doing her duty to a man and providing children. she was a waste of space and resources. better off dead...
My mother took away my ability to carry children.
thank whatever that I didn't have any. they would have been as screwed up as I was.
she was not an easy person. every thing was a fight with her.
I grew up and away. My grandfather died.
he was only human in in last years cause they basically castrated him due to cancer.
so she was alone, with all of her money, cause it was hers now.
so my youngest uncle kills himself in the downstairs of her house. almost exactly a year before she died. this happened in November of 1993. she was dead the next year.
she had been sick awhile. it was cancer.
she died in November of 1994.
after my uncle died, I spent almost 2 months with her, alone.
it was what we had dreamed of all of my life. it was the hardest and best 2 months of my life up to that point. My grandmother was the love of my life, the only person that loved me.
the love was sick, but it was better than nothing else I had. then she kicked me out of her life.
she told me that she was sick. well I knew that I was cleaning up after her. she sat me down and we had a talk, well she talked and I listened. she said that she probably would be dead by the end of the year and that she was sure it was cancer, it was.
she also told me that she didn't want me to remember her as and invalid.
and she sent me away.
I raged against her, and she would not give.
after 6 months and her surgery had passed she finally relented.
it was the last time I would ever see her alive.
she was thin. she never weighted over 100 except when she was pregnant.
she was starving herself to death, not by choice. the cancer was all over by that point, she was in diapers and hooked up to a morphine drip.
she was dying, by inches, one second at a time. she told me she loved me and that I had to go and never come back.
that is when something inside me started to die. the rest of me went the day she died in November of 1994. I would call every day as I had for almost 9 months, hoping to be told to fuck off. there was no answer. I knew she was dead.
my life as I knew it was over. the only person who had ever loved me was dead. my best friend was gone, my partner in crime.
dead.
I turned to drugs, I was a whore to pay for my habit.
it didn't matter my life was over.
******
so many years later when I woke up from the coma that my last overdose put me in, I was angry. I was sick of the life I had. all of these things contributed to my life as it is today.
a better life, one never dreamed possible.
I am in pain, and you know what, so what?
we have our defining moments in life. we all have our pain.
I actually have people who love me. who ever thought that I would have love?
not me, ever. I was damaged. I could never get my parents to love me.
what was so wrong with me?
nothing, it was never me. it was them, some defect in them, there failure of me.
such a small being I was. all I did was be born to defective, deficient people.
that is just what it was, and the way they are.
I decided I was better than that, that I deserved to be loved and I didn't have to settle for assholes.
so I had to stop being an asshole.
I found things in myself to love, which was really hard.
after all of the shit that I was taught to believe, it was almost impossible.
but not quite.
and I found people that love me. My stars that was something that I just could not believe.
today lots of people love me, and I take it quite for granted.
why would they not love me?
I am adorable, and fun and all kinds of other neat things.
I am still a terror, and I get moody and sometimes (well allot) I am in pain. you know what? I have always been in allot of pain of some sort.
I would not trade today for anything.
I am happy, although you would never know it by my posts.
sometimes this is a hard place to be.
this is my life, more than I would of ever hoped for.

the fairy princess and the porn star!

2011-04-02T11:48:00.005-08:00

needless to say I am in a far better mood than I was yesterday, lets see how long it lasts.
since I am going off meds that are psychotropic they effect my brain chemicals.
I was drawn into myself last night. J got me out of it, as I no longer depend on them to regulate my moods. I have to be self regulating. which when you are learning how to be for the first time in your life it really hard. I know that this place has been a downer lately, but this is my life.
so what does the title have to do with anything?
I am the fairy princess. J has the 1970's porn star look.
he shaved his head and shaved his beard and left his moustache. he looks like a porn star. we got to giggling so hard it was hilarious. he was fine with it as long as he isn't the fairy porn star.
I don't think he could deal with the wings.
did you know that I have fairy wings?
I can't get through the door when I wear then.
then we have the magic wand/large knife drawer. it fits my chef knives and magic wands.
perfectly normal huh?
+++++++
well I started this post 8 hours ago.
my right eye feels like it exploded.
I finally got a shower with help. so now it is a job to get under my heating blanket.
It is very hard to continue to write so I will be back later with another post.
love to all!

well gee..

2011-04-01T18:46:00.002-08:00

I am in a pissy mood. I feel like I am in a cage.
this room I live in is a cage, well it sure feels like it right now.
I just watched "I spit on your grave". if you are not up for torture then I don't suggest it.
if you want to see some shit bags get what they have coming then it is awesome.
it is about a woman who is raped repeatedly and gets back at her 5 attackers.
she brutally kills all of then not before she tortures them all to death.
every rape victim has these fantasies, killing their attacker(s).
God know I have had them.
from the time I could read I have had them.
hurting the way I was hurt, taking them out of the equation permanently.
So they could never do it again to me.
well lets just say that maybe the movie was not such a great idea.
cause now I want some one to bleed for what has been done to me.
it isn't going to happen, cause I don't have that luxury.
why can't someone else who deserves it hurt?
because that is not the way the world works.
no I get to keep all the pain...
I have some thinking to do.

Welcome to...

2011-03-31T14:48:00.001-08:00

the guy in the blue silk taffeta dress. hope you enjoy your visit and thanks so much for your comments. I will be emailing you privately to answer any of your ?'s.
everyone make him welcome!

things

2011-03-27T16:43:00.002-08:00

I have been sick the last couple of days. with my period, and my body from the waist down is in hard pain. it comes in waves. it hits and all I can do is writhe in pain, and have to go to the bathroom or puke. sometimes both.
so I have been trying for the last couple of days to find as much joy as I can when I am not in pain. it is so hard because I get so tired on the other end of the pain.
I am just exhausted. so only basic needs are getting met most of the time.
I am finding little bits of joy here and there. and I am refraining from getting angry as it makes my pain worse. so that is that.
this week I am going to follow up with the rheumatologist, and try to get in to see them.
so other than relaxing and trying to keep up with things that is it.
love to all.

Of faith and devotion...

2011-03-23T10:13:00.002-08:00

this will be a hard piece to read, even harder to write. if you are squeamish please don't read this post, it will just upset you.
now that the disclaimer is out read if you feel you can handle it. we are going to look inside my head and into my past. this is your last warning.

I lost my faith at 3, along with a host of other things. I would also say my virginity, but when you are forced, and raped. well I guess it doesn't count now does it?

I was told about God, Jesus, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and Santa Claus. this next comment will piss some people off but what the hell? like all imaginary things, you learn to discount all of it, as pure nonsense.
If there is a God he is a sadist, with a sick sense of humor.
hmmm... you say?
how can I say that?
come walk in my shoes for a minute. Don't worry, I promise it will hurt like hell.
My mother owned a gun, a hand gun a .357. a big heavy thing.
and she knew how to use it.
My mother would sit on her bed, the one she did things to me in.
that mattress had more of my blood than I liked.
My mother had a game, do you know what it was?
"I'm gonna blow my brains out because you don't love me enough"
I never knew if it was loaded.
I would cry and beg her not to do this, that I loved her, and to please for the love of god to stop.
sometimes she would smile and tell me she loved me and then she would hurt me.
sometimes she would pull the trigger and the gun was empty.
one time in particular she was doing her game and I smacked her hand back, the gun went off, and shot out the window behind her.
the police were called and she said that me and my brother was playing with the gun, and it went off. she got a slap on the hand had to pay for the window and we got beat once again.
hell she didn't even have to have a reason it was good fun for her.

I have a few friends that are particularly religious, very strong in there faith and belief. I applaud then for that. they have something that I have failed to connect to.
I love them and wish them well.

I can not subscribe to something that I don't believe or see the point of.
disagree with me, I believe in your right to believe and to disagree with me.
Just quit feeding me crap that I don't subscribe to.
I am polite and they take it as a sign that I am interested.
I will be 41 in June, wow another year has past already.
I think I am way past time that I am okay with what I do and don't believe.
hell? if I believe in hell then I must believe in God?
I don't have to believe in hell, I have lived through it.
I know exactly what people are capable of, in there sicknesses.
I had a family full of them.
how did this post start? I woke up screaming at 545am.
I have not been back to sleep and it going on just past 5 hours ago.
things that are my nightmares? you've been introduced to my darling mother...
isn't she lovely? don't you wish you had one just like her?
I have no doubt that she is not alone in her sickness.
so here is to the day that my mother dies, hopefully she will leave screaming like I woke up this morning. Oh and I am totally over being angry at my mother. (well I am obviously not but hell everyone lies to themselves)
so don't lie to me about some imaginary god that loves me.
I see no evidence of his great love.
everything I have I have worked to damn hard for.
I stopped believing in fairy tales alone time ago.
the video is gory, but you were warned this would not be a nice post so Oh Well!

just what I get from waking up in the morning.
today will be stellar!

okay, fine.

2011-03-22T18:08:00.002-08:00

I have been really sick the last couple of days.
not my usual pain and crap, no I couldn't get that lucky.
stuck in bed barely able to walk to the bathroom at the end of my bed.
we went down on the elavil, 7 days ago.
so I have just been hiding, reading and sleeping when I could.
I am just bone weary tired, and everything hurts, but when doesn't it?
so same shit different day.
you may all carry on as you were!
I will just be here puking from drug withdrawals. why am I even on these meds?
cause the stupid dr's put me on them, because that is what our health system does.
blink, I got a pill for that, your cold? got a pill for that. your fat? lets cut you apart.
I have lost allot of weight recently. 70+lbs.
I got some new clothes, 2 people told me "god have you lost weight?"
guys are starting to notice me as a woman.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
and that is the last thing I want.
see my soul not the hole.
I know TMI!? well then don't read.
I want to be seen as a person.
it wont always happen but what the fuck?
I am going to take off my new clothes put something very slovenly and go on with my life.
that is all! thanks for reading.

it is breakup, the predessor to spring!

2011-03-20T14:30:00.006-08:00

where I live we are in breakup with 40 some odd degrees at this point, full sun and the mold and spores are out! this is a nasty season for allergies. that blue thing that I was holding in the last posts pictures, my asthma inhaler, lovely huh?
well speaking of breakup and spring, this is a happening around where I live.
we are getting a slight makeover here. 4 of the rooms will get new carpet and paint. that is 1/4th of the building. fortunately we have a few empty room, and can shuffle my room-mates around.
with the curtains that I made last summer and the room numbers that I painted, and the small decorating that I did, this place is a far cry from when I moved in 6 years ago.
we keep getting carpets replace or cleaned, and paint and repairs when we need it.
like a said a far cry from what it was when I moved in here. I help rent the rooms as a favor to J. he does it to keep the owner happy and we have a clean quiet safe place to live.
definitely a better class of tenant.
I do this for a better place to live.
well I have had a guy, call and call and call. 11 phone calls in 32 hours.
calling at the wrong hours. leaving me messages, and general nonsense.
like making his own appointments, and him saying "I just need an anchorage address, to make my parole officer happy."
his crimes are alcohol related, 2+ DUI's resisting arrest, property destruction, and assorted shit idiots do when they are drunk. two of the DUI's last year. needless to say he is in court ordered treatment.
we have a HUGE alcohol problem here in Alaska. what else is there to do? eat, fight, fuck and drink. I live in one of the cities Ghetto's, Fairview.
it is a run down neighbourhood that only sports one very expensive really shitty grocery store.
on the block that I am on there are 2 bars, a motel attached to one of them, where all the drug dealers live as they move from this area of town to spenard and mountain view, and back.
on the next block is the store and another liquor store, and 2 blocks down another liquor store and another bar.
you get that right?
5 places of alcohol in a 5 block radius.
YES!
around dividend time someone always dies a block from here of alcohol poisoning. every single year without fail.
we have a police substation right across the street.
yeah, right. and a crack house 100 feet from the substation. they just move from place to place.
I share the alley with the motel/bar. I watch drug deals from my kitchen window.
whoopee. we are always calling the community service patrol to come get the worst of the drunks so they can have a safe place to sleep it off, and not die of alcohol poisoning in the dark and cold. in the summer it is free for all out in the alley and street.
it is also a friendly neighbourhood, with people you see around all the time, the regulars.

I am one of those fixtures. trying to do the best I can for those around me. dealing with my block. there really isn't allot I can do most of the time. these people carry guns.
but for those in my building I can do my best. IF they are part of the solution.
slowly we make gains and try to help the building.
You do NOT come into my house and make demands of me.
you ask nicely, I will respond in kind.
you cross my boundary's and you are on your own, cut off.
there is no way else to be.
so that is today.

food for though or how I got dragged through the woods.

2011-03-15T19:35:00.006-08:00

CT and I go for outings, allot he is in school still, he makes time for me.
he takes me to allot of my appts with dr's, and has to pick up the pieces when a Dr has destroyed me, and I am in tears.
My pain is increased as I am in flare.
what does that mean? My usual 6 or 7 is a 10 or more.
I can barely walk and when I leave the house I am in my walker full time.
my hands are not working as well as they did.
I was leaving the house today to go mail something, and I went to reach for something, and my hand didn't close around it well. after the explosion was over, a dish was in pieces and all over my front room. I had to sit down and wait for J to come help me clean it up. he thinks I am moving too fast. that is some of it, but not all of it. I have noticed it typing and trying to click out of things, thank whatever for spell check...
I am not as medicated these days. I am a very hyper person. I twitch and tweak, all the time. I am always trying to do 4 things at a time. four seemed like as good a number as any.
so I am not keeping to subject as well, and everything distracts me.
the last two days have been a series of failed attempts to get much done.
here go for a walk with me, or in my case a drag.
cause he was dragging me when I wasn't trying to catch him.

good now that I am exhausted I can go to bed.
(that was last week)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am running a low fever and in allot of pain. I was going to write more but I am too tired.
I have another dr appt tomorrow, so I am off to bed for my 11 hours of sleep to feel half dead and nauseous!

......

2011-03-15T11:55:00.003-08:00

the elavil decrease started last night.
I have been quiet for a couple of days now.
I am unhappy.
I don't like what the Dr told me.
(see last post)
well life goes on.
I am in flare right now. what does that mean? it means my pain of a constant 6 or 7, goes up to over 10. I could barely walk yesterday.
got stuff done though. Just used my walker, and held on to J.
properties don't rent themselves...
J really babied me.
and we went and started looking at possible stuff for the wedding registry. dishes and such.
not that I need a toaster or anything.
I like knives, for cooking. I still do allot of stuff by hand, which will have to slow down due to the fact that my hands aren't working as well. one of my good friends got me a mini food processor. that chops and grinds. I am using it more. and other handy things.
I love all of the convenience that these object provide.
I still use my mortar and pestle, every once in a while having it helps.
I have a therapy appt today. whatever.
I have a post on my drag in the woods, but it will be soon.
thanks for reading.

NO!... really?

2011-03-10T18:21:00.004-09:00

*Sigh*
saw the Dr. today. completely stressed myself out. My stomach is still pissed. he is lowering the elavil 25mgs at a time.
I am at such a loss here.
we talked about my future, fuck!
I just keep telling myself to breath.
he talked about kidney biopsies, interstint, and pain pump with Fentanyl.
I am still in shock.
All I want... what do I want?
I want it to stop hurting.
I finally get to a place where I am almost all okay with me. and the physical pain is making me crazy.
crazier, I guess.
after I get done with the Dr. me and CT go for a drive.
we went to the woods buy the airport. we went for a walk. it was sunny and kinda warm. me, him, and my walker.
I love my walker. you know what? it handles great in the snow, and with help(he took me for a drag) we got up and down hills and such.
yeah me with my haircut yesterday(shaved head and all), walking in the woods with my walker.
and I had my camera in my bag but I took it out this morning. so no pictures.
there is nothing like listening to the jets take off and the woods are silent.
my head hurts I am off to bed with my heating blanket. I have the rest of my life for this.
whatever

what was I doing again?

2011-03-09T20:45:00.003-09:00

hell if I know? ... I see a Dr tomorrow that I would swore I would never see again.
why?
cause he is the prescribing Dr for the next medicine I want off of. the one that causes great gaps in my memory. I am on a pretty high dose of it. can't cut the pill in 1/2 cause I can't guarantee that that part will have 1/2 a dose in it. never know where the filler is in it.
Zanna is having the same problem. she is on a med she wants off of. so what does she do? she pulls apart the capsules and takes out 10 to 15 of the little beads until she can start pulling more out.
think old time Contact caps. God does that date me...
the Dr's want her to stay on it.
If I want off I will make them take me off of it, or figure out how to do it on my own.
I am so done with these Dr's.
Because I am crazy, they treat me like a misbehaving 3 year old on a sugar high.
I hate being talked down to.
so what do I want from the man?
I want the elavil cut, at least in half depending how sick I get.
I expect to be puking in a week, with no tolerance for light or any other stimulant.
this on top of my pain.
I want a definite diagnosis, as to what is wrong with me. it all has to be related, as it is in my body. a referral to another specialist, yet again.
this Dr tomorrow, I just don't know. I want help. I want it to work. I want answers.
I am not happy just to do what they tell me too, take this and do this.
it is never that simple.

Pressure

2011-03-09T20:41:00.000-09:00

You have to learn to pace yourself
Pressure
You're just like everybody else
Pressure
You've only had to run so far
So good
But you will come to a place
Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face
And you'll have to deal with
Pressure

You used to call me paranoid
Pressure
But even you cannot avoid
Pressure
You turned the tap dance into your crusade
Now here you are with your faith
And your Peter Pan advice
You have no scars on your face
And you cannot handle
Pressure

All grown up and no place to go
Psych 1, Psych 2
What do you know?
All your life is channel 13
Sesame Street
What does it mean?

(I'll tell you what it means)
Pressure
Pressure

Don't ask for help
You're all alone
Pressure
You'll have to answer
To your own
Pressure
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are in the ninth
Two men out and three men on
Nowhere to look but inside
Where we all respond to
Pressure
Pressure

All your life is Time Magazine
I read it too
What does it mean?

Pressure

I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are with your faith
And your Peter Pan advice
You have no scars on your face
And you cannot handle
Pressure
Pressure
Pressure
One, two, three, four
Pressure

Moose kicks woman who came too close in Town Square

2011-03-08T21:24:00.002-09:00

Moose kicks woman who came too close in Town Square

A FAILED PETTING ATTEMPT: Victim is not seriously injured.

By ELIZABETH BLUEMINK
ebluemink@adn.com

Published: March 8th, 2011 02:37 PM
Last Modified: March 8th, 2011 02:37 PM

A moose kicked a woman in Town Square Park Monday afternoon after she got too close to the animal and reportedly tried to pet it, according to Anchorage police.

The moose kicked the unidentified woman several times -- including in the chest and shoulder -- but she was not injured badly enough to go to the hospital, according to police spokeswoman Anita Shell.

Police were called to Town Square at about 4:40 p.m. and medics checked the woman and determined she was OK, Shell said.

Witnesses told police that the moose kicked the woman, in her 20s, after she tried to pet it as it walked by, Shell said.

The moose was spotted in Town Square throughout the day on Monday, feeding on trees. The moose was still hanging around at the downtown park after police arrived and the woman left at around 5 p.m.

"At this time, we are telling people not to agitate the moose ... to give it space," Shell said.

Anchorage police said they did not request that state biologists deal with the moose because the animal wasn't going after anyone unprovoked.

"It was just doing what moose do," Shell said.

Read more: http://www.adn.com/2011/03/07/1742027/moose-kicks-woman-who-came-too.html#ixzz1G54xYL1z
`````````````````````````````````

Moose are not pets!

Stress Buster Pictures

2011-03-08T20:29:00.006-09:00

2011-03-08T20:22:00.001-09:00

LOVE THIS ONE….

BLUE BIRD OF HAPPINESS, MY ASS!
It's Friggin' Freezing. There's snow up my ass, all the food's covered with 3 feet of this white shit, and you want ME to sing? What?? Anne Murray's "Snowbird"? Piss Off!! Next year, I'm flyin' to Jamaica, and smoke dope!!

2011-03-08T20:20:00.003-09:00

How to save on toilet paper

Works for me!

hmmmm.......

2011-03-04T16:56:00.002-09:00

well I am doing somewhat better.
my going down on meds has stopped. we went down on the trazadone and my head nearly exploded. migraine force 10+. so I had some stashed and replaced it, it took all night for it to stop and now my damn head hurts from hurting. J went to the pharmacy to pick up the rest to get me through until I see my psych provider. I am warming up left overs, and we will eat together and then I will crawl under my heating blanket, not pad, blanket...
it is one of my most favorite things in the whole world.
I sit and play with the lighted dial, as it casts shadows on my wall, as I am falling asleep. it is amazing that something so simple could be so wonderful.
I have massive Dr appts this next week. back to see the Dr that I never want to see again, to get me off the elavil. went and saw PC (primary Care) Dr. yesterday. he is a new one as I could not tolerate the last one. he sits down and launches into a tramadol fit that I could get serotonin syndrome, and die. well as of 2 weeks ago I am off of it, took me a year to go off of it safely.
he looked at me, blinked, and said, "that must of been rough".
ya think?
they really have no idea, do they?
so he moved on to some other rant...
he kept looking at me though, like he wasn't really sure.
we got back to meds and I told him that I intend to go off of every med possible.
he said "so basically you are screwed" when we talked of my pain. what else am I supposed to do?
they have no answers that I like, he told me it would be a good idea if I looked into the pain clinic, again.
what part of "Oh HELL NO!" don't they get?
more pain pills, yeah right. that is the answer.
MY LIVER WILL FAIL. too much medicine for too long.
I have been medicated for 27 years, straight.
I will have to stay on some things, but as much of it that can go will.
it is going to be a very uncomfortable year, what else is new?

okay...

2011-03-01T12:21:00.003-09:00

I know this blog has taken an unexpected turn.
it may sound like it is bad, well it is. it is good too.
this is where I come to bitch about things.

I don't do pushy people. AT ALL.

I am trying to rent an property. that is what I do.
besides daily minor miracles.
I have one property in a really swank area.
I mainly do this because most of it is computer work. most of it.
there is the part I hate. phone calls, and dealing with pushy people that have to have it now.
only thing is it doesn't work with me.
there is a certain type of person I am looking for.
laid back, non pushy, people who are willing to work with you.
I have 4 other tenants in the building that I have to make happy.
people have to be quite, clean, responsible, and have great credit(not my idea, it is what the owner of the building wants) (he wants to make sure that they will not trash the place)
people are calling me 6 times a day, the same person. "I know I called and bugged you yesterday BUT..." I have 1/2 a dozen people doing this, all female.
one called and said. "HI my name is ________ and I am a psychologist, please call me back about the property." what a is she going to give the property therapy?
really now.
she is not the only one.
unfortunately she is the medium right now.
I block there phone # and they call from another phone.
so eventually I have to tell them, "you are being pushy, and that won't work. when I have an open appt I will call you back. if I don't call back then I have rented it."
I won't call back. EVER.
actually I just called her and the other and was as rude as humanly possible.
petty, I know. it felt really good.
have a bad mood? spread it around,

not nice huh?
when people behave badly around me, I tend to get really pissed.
I HAVE to behave. think that the same bullshit will work with me? nope.
get in line, take a number, get a clue.
NO!
My pain level is through the roof today. my hair hurts, my teeth hurt, what doesn't hurt? not much.
I do like what I do when I don't have to deal with complete idiots.
so for now I wade through what is coming in, and hope that soon the right person comes along. I will know them when I talk to them.
it may not be still Fucken February. it sure feels like it.

now as to the love I have been getting from my followers that comment, thanks!
I am having my rough times, I am pissed, I have every right to be.
if I don't get this out safely I will hurt myself.
I always do.
so this is the place that I have to vent. my choice.
it will be rough to read, it is hell to feel it.
this is not a happy shiny place any more.
read if you want but the disclaimer reads like this:
ugly and putrid, welcome to the shit that sits in my head and is killing me slowly.
it will not be fun, it might be funny. it will be raw and like an open sore that you are picking at even though you know better. this is the shit that I torture myself with, that leaves me with no hair and open wounds on my body, cause I can't stop tearing at my self. None is actively abusing me but me. there are assholes, and if you give it you will get it in spades, good or bad.
you have been warned.

TMI time.

2011-02-28T12:59:00.002-09:00

if you are squeamish, then best not to read this one.

My mother has given me gifts.
some, very few were of use.
mostly they have hurt me.
this is my mothers legacy to me.

last night I was at Zanna's. I went to the bathroom, and I was bleeding. looked like it was coming from my bladder. I panicked. my kidneys were bleeding. PANIC sets in.
I started feeling worse. I was scared and feeding in to it.
I have to go to the DR. I don't want to. I hate all of my DR's.

So I let Zanna know what happened. she knows me well enough.
she told me to challenge that belief. find things to validate my symptoms.
I was going poop allot yesterday. much more than usual. emotions off the scaled. cramps. the blood was dark. it is inconsistent, some times blood sometimes not.
I am almost 41. the change of life is coming.
it was my period, the one I am not supposed to have, cause I had the surgery where they burned my lining away. it has grown back, it happens in a small percentage.
it is light and small, but it makes my bladder hurt like hell. and with my bowels going crazy, everything hurts from the waste down.
so I found things that were happening to back up my symptoms.
the Hypochondriac in me freaks out.
that is one of the gifts that my mother have given me, hysteria, panic and sheer terror,
making a mountain out of a molehill.
these are the things that my mother left me with.
every time I breath wrong, I have to got to the Dr.
well not so much any more, I haven't been to the ER in 4 months.
I am pissed cause I saw the Dr last month, and they want to see me again.
why? nothing they do will help.
I am going off of all the meds I can. with or with out there help.
the Dr thinks that if he cuts off my prescriptions, I will come running.
well Thursday I am going to see the Dr. fucken asshole.
piece of shit pusbag.
I won't even see my Dr. he is in the bush doing training. I get another new asshole.
just like last month. she was a stupid bitch.
she could not even type and talk at the same time.
she gave J 21 days of amoxicillian. it ripped him apart and almost put him in the hospital.
he is just starting to get well. where he can do the stairs with out falling down them.
they are all useless pieces of shit.
what ever happened to do no harm?
I have to get off of those meds, and away from the fucken butchers.
My mother instilled in me that Dr are your friends, that I can't trust my own judgement.
Bullshit. I am in this body.

Thursday will be grand. this guy has never met me. and I am pissed. and he is going to get it with both barrels.
he is going to tell me that I am on too many meds. Ya think? asshole.
he won't even read my file. he will just give me hell about everything.
I don't have to validate this. this is how these Dr's are.
they would kill me if I let them.
look what they have done in my best interest.

I am angry. way too much for my own good.
I will pay for being angry. it makes my pain levels through the roof.
I have had it. time to calm down before I do something really stupid.
not a nice post, huh?
I am not in nice place. but getting it out is far better than keeping it in.
I am frustrated and in a place where I need help. I need a decent Dr.
one that won't fight me every time I turn around.
one that won't threaten me. help me do what I need to do to live.
Good luck, HUH?
what am I supposed to do now?
I will keep going and try to find what I need.
what else can I do?
right now I have no answers and allot of anger.

dear diary!

2011-02-27T13:33:00.003-09:00

that is funny. cause that is what this has turned into.
where I can put my thoughts and deal with things in there own time.
I am really stressed out right now.
things going on in daily life, and people that suck.
it will work it's self out, always does.

How many people have to end up getting hurt by others?
lots.

well I am off for a book and a nap.
later I will go to the gym and swim.
did you know how much I love water?

my mother did do a few good things for me. she taught me how to swim.
she just threw me in the water, either I was going to drown, or learn to swim.
fortunately I float like an otter.
it is a natural thing for me.
while showers are traumatic, and so are baths. swimming is okay.
ALWAYS wear goggles. the minute I hit the wet room they go on and stay there the whole time until I am dressed and safe.
goggles are my armour. goggles allow me to take a shower with out puking.
too many bad experiences in the shower and in baths. boy was my mother creative in her torture methods.
I am like a big aquatic mammal. dangerous on land, deadly in the water.
I have been teaching myself to do an Olympic turns.
you are in a breast stroke, you come to the lane end and you dive under and turn your self around and kick off the end of the pool and go right back into breast stroke.
I get it turned around but it works.
that is the other thing that I have to thanks my mother for.
she figured out that I was dyslexic at 2 years old.
she had me in slinger-land training at 3.
it retrains the brain.
so those are some of the gifts she gave me.
I will go into further gifts, in future posts.
maybe TMI time, so read at your own risk.

Today

2011-02-26T11:10:00.002-09:00

finally after 2 days I was able to sleep.
I am awake. I think. yeah, I am. I hurt, so I must be awake.
feeling better. CT took me around yesterday, after I wore J out.
went to Zanna's house, and lost it.
I Started hysterical laughing/crying. and could not stop.
it is something that I have started doing, well I did it before for time to time but not like this. this is something that started happening after I saw the acupuncturist this summer, he hit something and it was like the flood gates opened.
twice this month I have done this. well it is Fucken February.
still going off of medication, and losing weight.
YEAH for me!
I think it is how I am preventing rapid mood swings.
I am doing this, and I am getting a weeks, or month worth of emotions out at once.
so my over all moods are better.

So other than embarrassment, of completely losing it. I am fine.
Whatever...

being awake at odd hours...

2011-02-25T00:38:00.003-09:00

well here it is not even the butt crack of dawn, no that is at least 5 hours off. it is past midnight in the in-between. the dark time. time when I can't sleep. I hate it because It means I will sleep into the after noon tomorrow.
it is impossible with medication decreasing, pain, and being sick to try to regulate my sleep schedule. I was dead to the world most of the day.
the night before CT and I went to the used book store (AAAAGH) I got out of there for $40. everything looks good in there. I love paper books, the way they feel and smell. have you smelled your books lately? I love how old books smell. then we went out to dinner. Pan-Asian cuisine. in the form of all you can eat. I got one plate of food, I couldn't finish it, so CT did for me. we like the same stuff and he loves to eat more than I do.
not like what I have is contagious, just painful.

did you know that I used to shoot Heroin? and other things.
well it caused my kidneys to fail. now I have Kidney disease.

"Glomerulonephritis, also known as glomerular nephritis, abbreviated GN, is a renal disease (usually of both kidneys) characterized by inflammation of the glomeruli, or small blood vessels in the kidneys.[1] It may present with isolated hematuria and/or proteinuria (blood or protein in the urine); or as a nephrotic syndrome, a nephritic syndrome, acute renal failure, or chronic renal failure. They are categorised into several different pathological patterns, which are broadly grouped into non-proliferative or proliferative types. Diagnosing the pattern of GN is important because the outcome and treatment differs in different types. Primary causes are ones which are intrinsic to the kidney, whilst secondary causes are associated with certain infections (bacterial, viral or parasitic pathogens), drugs, systemic disorders (SLE, vasculitis) or diabetes." from Wikipedia.

the key word in that paragraph is "Inflammation". well to find out that my bladder is following the same course, except for one small thing. My immune system thinks that my bladder is an invading enemy.
this kind of thing is known as an auto immune disorder.
it isn't contagious, but it is very painful.
then on top of that my nerves miss fire, in my face head neck and shoulders.
along with other pain and depression, it just pisses me off.

the poisons that I put into my body. ME, I.
I did this to myself.
I am the reason that I am in pain.
I shot drugs and took things that caused it, the failure of my body.
as time goes on more shows up.
I lost it when my grandmother died in 1994. I was 24 years old. I wanted to die with her. she was at that point the only person that loved me, she was as sick and twisted as the rest. she loved me.
after that I fell into a pit of despair that I almost didn't make it out of. it took me 11 years to pull out of it, that left me at 35 years old. I was a train-wreck, still am.
half a dozen years later. here I am.
ME.
My body is so beaten up and in so much pain that I just want it to stop.
it won't, as long as I am alive.

So I am getting off of my medications. next week starts the tapering of my trazadone. If I can't sleep now, how will I do it when I don't have the drugs to sedate me? while it is an antidepressant it is also an effective sleeping pill.
this is getting scary here.
I sleep on the average of 13 hours a night. this I know by my C-pap machine, it has a smart card in it that tells them those kind of things. it takes great measures to get me to sleep. and once there it take 13 hours for the stuff to work it's self off. I am a night mare in the morning.
bad dreams and pain are the first things that greet me. then it is a race to get my pain under control. then there is the nausea, and the vomiting. I have to keep it together until my stomach calms down or turns it's self inside out. never know.
Oh and I don't know how the day is going to go until I get up and see how bad it is. IT? the pain and everything else that goes with it.
I have trouble making appts.
most places make you give 24 hours notice then they ding ya if you don't get it. after 3 of those they then drop my ass. that is what happened to physical therapy, I could not make it. too many sick days. I understand, they don't.
most of my Dr's are that way. they still treat me if I was a junkie. yeah...
I have to get a hair cut. I currently have a Mohawk. my hair is too long and it hurts my head. having them shave my head is easier, it hurts, but what doesn't? sometimes, no all the time when my face gets going, my hair feels like it is on fire.
hang on bathroom break and water time. I will be up all night pissing. the water I have to drink is a miserable amount. and when it hurts to pee you don't want to drink. not drinking makes it worse. I have to dilute what is in my bladder.

Well aren't I lovely this fine twilight?
I look like I have been crying (which I have been) I look tired and in pain, much thinner, still unhappy all around.
trips to the abusement park, are taking there toll.
don't mind me I am trying to make myself tired enough to go to sleep. I yawned so that's good.
my bladder isn't as elastic as it was, what does that mean?
I know I have to go to the bathroom, cause I am going already. was that TMI? like I care. don't like it? don't read!
bear with me I am blowing off steam.
So this is my life as I know it.
I will do nothing productive tomorrow, as it will be lost to sleep.
well at least I have good books to read. only problem with that is I forget what was in the book.
I read one and don't realize until half way through that I have already read it. which is fine, it saves on books.
My meds finally kicked in. I will go lay down and try to sleep.
see ya all on the flip side!

Understand Someone With Chronic Pain - wikiHow

2011-02-24T13:34:00.001-09:00

Understand Someone With Chronic Pain - wikiHow

How to Understand Someone With Chronic Pain

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed.
In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand: These are some things that can help you to understand, and help, people who suffer from, often debilitating, chronic pain.

Steps

Remember that being sick doesn't mean that the sufferer is no longer a human being. Often the chronic pain sufferer spends most of their day in considerable pain and exhaustion. If you visit or live with them, they may not seem like much fun to be with, but they are still as aware as you of everything and have needs just like you, but they're more or less stuck inside a body with constant issues over which they have little or no control. Just like you, they still worry about studies, work, family, friends, and most of the time, would like to hear you talk about your interests and happenings, too.
Learn the code. Chronic pain sufferers will often talk differently from people free from constant pain. Living with fatigue, irritability, and sadness at their plight, many sufferers learn to bottle up their feelings and use code to cover up the level of pain.[1] There's also a number scale for pain that doctors teach chronic pain patients early in their treatment. By habit, they may describe their pain on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is "no pain at all, feel wonderful" and 10 is the worst pain they ever had in their life. Their pain level ten may be outside your experience, it depends on what you've been through in life.
- Don't assume that just because the chronic pain sufferer grits their teeth and says that they're fine that they are. They could very well be covering up, fed up with the lack of understanding in others as to the constancy of their pain.
- Accept that words may be inadequate to describe how the sufferer is truly feeling. Think about a time when you experienced pain, like a broken leg, or a very nasty virus that pounded at your head and every muscle in your body. And multiply that and think of it being constant, every day, without respite. It's hard to find the words for that sort of pain.
Recognize the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, but chronic pain sufferers have often been sick for years and their pain-filled lives have caused them to adopt coping mechanisms that are not necessarily reflecting the real level of pain they're in. They don't want to be miserable all the time but they often have to work hard at not being miserable. So, if you're talking to them, and they sound happy, it means they are happy, that's all. It doesn't mean that they're not in a lot of pain, or that they're not extremely tired, or that they're getting better, and so forth.
- Respect that the person who is in pain is trying their best. Avoid saying, "Oh, you're sounding better!" or "But you look so healthy!" They are merely coping; sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, it's certainly welcomed.
- Look for the signs of pain over the words, so that you can read between the lines. Things that will belie the chipper attitude include restlessness, shifting about, grimacing when they think you're not noticing, sweating, sleep disturbance, teeth grinding, poor concentration, decreased activity, and perhaps even writing down suicidal thoughts or language.[2]
Listen. The previous two steps made it clear that chronic pain sufferers can speak in code or make lighter of their pain than is the reality. The next best thing that you can do is to listen to them properly, and to make it clear that you both want to hear what they have to say and that you really have heard it. Use your listening skills to decode what they're hiding or minimizing.
- Read How to be a good listener for more details on being a great listener.
Understand and respect the chronic pain sufferer's physical limitations. Being able to stand up for ten minutes doesn't necessarily mean that the sufferer can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour, or give you a repeat performance whenever. Just because the person managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn't imply that will be able to do the same today. With a lot of diseases, a person may exhibit obvious signs of immobility, such as paralysis, or total immobilization due to weakness, etc. With chronic pain however, it is confusing to both the sufferer and the onlooker, and their ability to cope with movement can be like a yo-yo. The sufferer may not know, from day-to-day, how they are going to feel when they wake up and each day has to be taken as it comes. In many cases, they don't know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.
- Insert "sitting", "walking", "thinking", "concentrating", "being sociable" and so on, to this step, as the curtailment on a sufferer's ability to be responsive applies to everything that you'd expect a person in good health to be able to do. That's what chronic pain does to its sufferers.
Leave your "pep talk" mode for your kids and your gym buddies. Realizing that chronic pain is variable, keep in mind that pep talk can be aggravating and demoralizing for the chronic pain sufferer. As already noted, it's quite possible (for many, it's common) that one day they're able to walk to the park and back, while the next day they'll have trouble getting to the next room. Therefore, it's vital that you don't fall into the trap of saying: "But you did it before!" or "Oh, come on, I know you can do this!" If you want them to do something, then ask if they can and respect their answer.
- Get over the need to give platitudes about the value of exercising and fresh air. For a chronic pain sufferer, "getting out and doing things" does not make the pain vanish and can often exacerbate the problems. Bear in mind that you don't know what they go through or how they suffer in their own private time. Telling them that they need to exercise, or do some things to "get their mind off of it", may frustrate them to tears, and is not correct advice, especially if you're not medically trained and haven't got a clue. If they were capable of doing some things any or all of the time, they would.
- Remember that chronic pain sufferers are constantly working with doctors and striving to improve and do the right things for their illness. Another statement that hurts is, "You just need to push yourself more, try harder". Obviously, chronic pain can deal with the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain; not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can't always read it on their face or in their body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.
Never use throwaway lines. Assuming you know best by making such statements as "Ah well, that's life, you'll just have to deal with it", or "You'll get over it eventually. Until then, you'll just have to do your best", or worst of all, "Well, you look well enough", etc., are lines that might make you feel done and dusted with the topic but they are both a form of distancing yourself from the person and making the sufferer feel worse and out of hope.[3] Psychologist Mark Grant suggests that you throw lifelines rather than throwaway lines, by saying something like: "So how have you survived?"[4]
- Admit it when you don't have answers. Don't paper over your ignorance with platitudes or bold allegations not based on fact. There is no harm in saying "I don't know" and then offering to find things out.
Check your own patience. If you're impatient and want them to "just get on with it", you risk laying a guilt trip on the person who is suffering from pain and undermining their determination to cope. They probably have the will to comply with your requests to go out and about with them but have neither the strength nor the coping capacity as a result of the pain.
- A chronic pain sufferer may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able, please try to always remember how very lucky you are, to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.
- Be very understanding if the chronic pain sufferer says they have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills right now. It probably means that they do have no choice but to do it right now, and it can't be put off or forgotten just because they happen to be somewhere, or they're right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.
Be sensitive when suggesting medicines or alternative treaments. Prescription drugs, over-the-counter medicines and alternative therapies can have side effects and unintended consequences. Some may not appreciate suggestions, and it's not because they don't want to get well. They may have heard of it or tried it already or some may not be ready to cope with new treatment that can create an additional burden on their already over-burdened lives. Treatments that haven't worked carry the emotional pain of failure, which in and of itself can make the person feel even lower. Of course, if there were something that cured, or even helped people with a particular form of chronic pain, then they should be made aware of it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. Those can be good resources. Be sensitive in how you bring it up.
- On the other hand, never be afraid to ask them about how satisfied they are with their treatment. Mark Grant says that it is important to ask helpful questions about whether the chronic sufferer thinks their treatment is satisfactory or if they think their pain is bearable.[5] He suggests that people rarely ask these open-ended "helpful questions" that would help the chronic sufferer to open up and really talk.
Don't be put off if the chronic pain sufferer seems touchy. If that's the appearance, it's probably because they are. It's not how they try to be. As a matter of fact, they try very hard to be normal. Just try to understand. They have been going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, they do their best to cope with this, and live their lives to the best of their ability. Just accept them as they are.
Be helpful. The chronic pain sufferer depends a great deal on people who are not sick to support them at home or visit them when they're too sick to go out. Sometimes they need help with shopping, cooking, or cleaning. Others may need help with their kids. They may need help getting to the doctor, or to the store. You can be their link to the "normalcy" of life. You can help them keep in touch with the parts of life that they miss and desperately want to undertake again.
Balance your carer responsibilities. If you are living with a chronic pain sufferer or supporting such a person on a regular basis, you need to maintain balance in your life. If you don't take care of your own needs, health, and work-life balance, being around the chronic pain sufferer can bring you down even though you're probably trying hard not to be. Avoid suffering from carer burn-out by getting other people to help, taking time out, and curtailing your guilt trips. Care for this person as much as you're able but also care for yourself.

Video

One example of how chronic pain sufferers feel and cope.

Tips

Pain is a difficult thing to describe to another person. It is felt personally and it is based in both psychological and physical parts of us. The best thing you can do is to never assume that you know how it feels for that person. Sure, you know how it feels for you but each of us is different and it's impossible to get right inside a person's skin and feel their pain.

Warnings

Depression causes people to show less emotion, which can in turn mask the pain because the sufferer ceases to make it known.[6] Always be on the look out for signs of depression and do not confuse this with there being any less pain.
Avoid being judgmental about drug use pursued by chronic pain sufferers. If medical marijuana improves their life, why debase that respite with moral uptightness?
Chronic pain suffers are not making it up and are not hypochondriacs.

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

↑ Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain, http://www.overcomingpain.com/10tips.html

↑ Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain, http://www.overcomingpain.com/10tips.html

↑ Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain, http://www.overcomingpain.com/10tips.html

↑ Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain, http://www.overcomingpain.com/10tips.html

↑ Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain, http://www.overcomingpain.com/10tips.html

↑ Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain, http://www.overcomingpain.com/10tips.html

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Understand Someone With Chronic Pain. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

hi John!

2011-02-20T12:51:00.001-09:00

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
stolen from Tempo on face book, thanks Kym!

I have always loved this song!

2011-02-19T20:00:00.002-09:00

this song is dedicated to the love of my life, ME!

And the stalker of the year goes to...

2011-02-19T18:15:00.002-09:00

My ex crack head neighbor, who is still my neighbor for how long, we don't know.
he is in a seriously bad down ward spiral.
he isn't using to my knowledge, but he is till very sick.
first time someone does something wrong it is happen stance.
second time is coincidence.
third time is enemy action.
we are at three. two was this summer when I was trying to get him help and out of a hole that he and his drug use had put him in, first time was when he crossed my boundaries when he first moved in.
so what happened for three?
he is being sexually inappropriate with me.
he is fixated with me.
why? because I am nice to him. I worry if he is taking care of himself. he is old, diabetic, and takes piss poor care of himself. and now his sanity is slipping.
I have been around deranged people ALL of my life, bat shit crazy people.
so I know crazy when I see it.
aren't I a bitch when someone is being inappropriate and crossing my boundaries?
how else am I going to get through to him?
I'm not. he doesn't listen to me. he doesn't know me. I have told him until I am blue in the face and screaming at him. I have cried, I have had others talk with him. all to know avail.
This is my safe place. so I will do this here.
I am not a victim. I will not be sexually objectified.
I am a person and I will not be abused.
I will defend myself physically if I am threatened.
I will not start the fight but I will finish it.
I will not be raped again by someone who pretends to be my friend.

So what will happen? I have no idea I am not a mind reader.
I do know some things, cause, it is the way it is.
he is on unemployment, he told me that he will be extended for 2 years.
bull shit, then what? or that he will get his job back? they let you go so that you would have sometime to think about things. personally, you did NOT do what they asked or you would have your job. she is pissed you spent your raise on crack.
no place will hire you. you burn your bridges, badly.
there are other mitigating circumstances as to why you are unemployable.
Get help!
as long as you can pay your rent, and stay away from me you will live here.
minute you can't pay you rent you will leave, as that is the way it is with everyone.
no money = no place to live.
you will be back on the street and end up dying in jail.
I tried to tell you this a month ago when we all sat down and tried to reason with you. you weren't listening then and still aren't.
as to what you said to me on Wednesday in the kitchen, when you were doing a job for me." that everyone has to have someone and since I was taken, you were dealing with Lynn cause everyone has to have someone, and How I didn't understand you at all." you were trying to pick a fight with me, and I would not play. I would not argue with you. you got so pissed that you would not take lunch from me, that I offered cause I know you are not eating right and taking care of yourself.
then you sent me 2 emails. one where you did work, EVEN though I told you if it was NOT authorized by me, you would not be paid. You weren't, you volunteered. I am not paying you.
I had to have someone fix your half ass job. I paid them.
as to the weird "bones" lost love thing.
I have ALWAYS BEEN TAKEN AS LONG AS YOU HAVE KNOWN ME.
I am not interested in you in that way at all, never have been. it is all in your imagination, what ever you have built up between you and me, it DOES NOT EXIST.
I have J. I am marring him. how much more don't you get it?
I wanted to be your friend, I tried to be your friend. nothing more.
You are acting like a GIANT horses ass.
reality is a hard thing, and you are going to hit that soon.
I have come to terms with the fact that you will not be here much longer.
You will end up using, and die or go to jail. You don't take care of yourself.
I wish it was different and you would get you head out of your ass.
you show no signs of that and actually look like you are losing what mind you have left.

so this is how it will be. I am tired of others having to stand up to my problems.
you do not talk to me for the remainder of you stay here.
you will not call, email or in other way contact me.
I will not let you implode in your self destructive bull shit in my area.
you are on your own, and you have your actions to thank for that.
YOUR ACTIONS. or lack of them in all the wrong areas.
this is it, we are done.
thanks!

My blog is now...

2011-02-19T18:09:00.002-09:00

An Adult only site.
things are changing here. it will be rougher and far more painful.
if you decide to stop following me I understand.
this is a place for me.
read if you want, or don't.
comment. or don't. I really can't care.
I will miss you if you leave, but the change is for the better.
I love where it is going so hold on, and strap in if you are going to stick around.
no punches will be pulled, and no ground given,
I love you all.
I love me more.
Happy trails campers.

things I think about.

2011-02-19T15:31:00.004-09:00

My father and mother are not bad people, at least most of the time, in my mind.

That changes often. I think about it, my father hates)hated?) me. he said it and he showed it. in every action and movement. and you know what the sad thing is? it had nothing to do with me.
I was just the one there. his failure. his. not mine.
I remind him of his failure to me. of me.
he knew, and he didn't do anything. I would call him and tell him what was happening. not his problem, he didn't care. did he? not that I saw. he would have food and clean clothes and an island in the storm, for it bit to steel us to go back to hell. but we would have to go to hell alone.
he said that he left my mother because he was drinking him self to death. not because he was going to, because he was. he saved himself, he left us with her, knowing what she was capable of.
I feel that this is where, his failure of me, came from.
he was a chicken shit coward, that ran. leaving 2 small children to fend for themselves with a paranoid schizo-affective mother who was into torturing us. me and my damn(ed) brother.

what were we supposed to do? I survived, and held on. him, I have no idea. he is but a stranger to me. as are all of my family, except my mother. I know her far to well.
we share her insanity, bad behaviour, and general self/world destructive traits.
hard things to recover from, actuality damn hard.
these are things that go through my mind.
it makes me angry. then I realise, what is the point?
it is what it is.
nothing else.
it doesn't mean much in the scheme of things, really.
everyone has problems. everyone of us.
change is a hard thing, necessary. if you touch the hot burner you learn to test it first. what if testing it is not an true reading of what it really is? it feels cold but it scalds and blisters you. that is what it was like to live with my mother. you knew her, knew what she was capable of.... but it never helped. not once did it prepare you for the horror of what she was doing.
I was always scared, hungry and in pain, believing that someone would rescue me from this. that this wasn't what life was. then I learned that no one cared.
that I am a liar.
I had made up the scars and injuries, and such. look in my medical records, I am pathological in my lying. I had injuries, but people don't do that especially mothers.
"mothers don't do that to there daughters." "there is damage, what did your Father do to you?"
fathers do it, but mothers don't?
yeah. right. My father beats and ignores me when I tell him what SHE is doing.
so it must be okay... Until I was sure she was going to kill me, if I stayed any longer.
I ran trying to get people to listen to me. they couldn't ignore me any longer, I was 13 years old. So in my stupidity I thought that they would believe me because they are listening.
and when they would not help me, I screamed all the louder. so they put me on thorazine.
do you know what thorazine is boys and girls?
in prison and other such places they call it liquid handcuffs, and the thorazine shuffle.
it literally feels like walk through water with weights on fully clothed.
who put me on thorazine? My practising alcoholic psychiatrist.
she would reward me with lunch or getting my nails done, or going for a drive along the coast.
I did not know that she was drunk while treating me. she told me as part of her 4th step years later. she got clean. I didn't, she was still prescribing meds to me.
*I'm sorry I was drunk while I was treating you when you were a teenager."
I loved this woman at one point. she was helping me. she would pay attention to me, she would give me the drugs that I needed not to feel anything. legally prescribed psychotropics.
and so started my fascination with drugs.
I have been a drug addict since right before my 15th b day. February of 1985.
Band Aid, was the concert of the summer. I watched it in the day room of one of the local psychiatric facility. I spent over half a year in there that year.
let me clarify the drug addict thing. I take prescription medication as given to me by psychiatrists and quacks (they are all quacks)
if I drove I would be impaired driving. lets get in the car and take out a city block!
I don't drive. and ya know what? they would let me. as a matter of fact in order to get a car insured. I have to have a licence. a drivers licence.
seriously. I can't even fathom it. I can barely walk sometimes.
Oh and speaking of psychiatrists, I saw mine yesterday. my memory lapses, are from the Elavil that my urologist is giving me for bladder pain. they started the time that I had been on the new dose for 6 weeks.
six weeks is the golden number in medication adjustment. I was giving myself six weeks to recover from medication adjustments. as I said last post we are going down again on meds.
why can't I just go off the elavil? nope, wrong Dr.
need to make appt with that Dr, even though I swore I would never go back and see him.
Is it any reason, I don't trust these fuckers? (rhetorical question)
so where is all of this going? glad you asked!
I was able to break the 450lbs barrier. I have not been under 450 lbs for many years. 4 actually. after being attacked and the car accident. I gave up. I had a major break last October. it was too much. I didn't want to do this any more. fortunately I have safety nets in place and they caught me. and held me until I could get moving it took over a month for me to get moving. when I did the weight started to come off. keep in mind I had reached 512 lbs. not my highest but bad all the same. it was painful. try strapping 300+lbs to you and moving. well 70 (WHOO HOO!!!)lbs later I an 442lbs. I have 250+lbs to still lose. it will come off.
My change of mind set has had allot to do with the marriage proposal. what I mean by that, is my mind set changed his mind. I had progressed far enough, to know what I was doing, who I am and who I am marring, and why. he had to grow up and so did I.
I feel about J the way I have never felt about anyone, ever.
it is not a happy ending, but a beginning. for both of us.
this is what I try to think of when I think, of how lucky I am. I am loved by all that matter for the first time in my life. I am finally good enough, for me.
I am okay. I even like who I am, well most of the time when I stop trying to be my mother to me.
it is enough, and I can live with that, actually live for the first time in 40 years.
it may change tomorrow but I am okay with that.
what other choice do I have?
none that I can see that are realistic.
life on life's terms...
interesting.
this blog is now a journal for me. more do than it has ever been.
everything is changing and so will this blog.
read, don't read. be fair warned. some of it will be ugly.
it is what it is.

look what today brought!

2011-02-18T21:06:00.002-09:00

I got up bright and early and went to the crazy place. the crazy place is where I get therapy and meds, cause everyone Is wHaCkO!!!
well they weighted me and another 16 lbs gone, for a total of 70 lbs in 3 months.
YES I am eating.
today is better than yesterday, J is up and moving.
I am in allot of pain but hanging in there.
getting stuff done each day whether I like it or not is good for me.
oh, the Dr is dropping my part of one of meds next week.
so much for a 6 week wait until I start again.
I was not thrilled about my blood pressure, I was however in the middle of a pain wave when they took it.
so things are looking up!