beloved

J saved my life, when he was good he was the best person I have ever had the pleasure to know. now he is gone, but still walking around, My ghost. the ghost that has destroyed my life. one of the Drs told me that J has less than a year at this rate. his mental illness, and his diabetes are a death sentence. I can't be with in three feet of him with out wanting to rip his throat out and I am not the only one he has this effect on, everyone else that has prolonged contact with him. drs walk out on him. his vitriolic abuse is getting legendary. I feel like I have lost everything. it would have been better if he had not survived the pacemaker and he just died. it would of been easier than watch the man I love fall to pieces one piece at a time, this horrid thing he has turned into. he is unhinged, and he isn't going to get better. slow heart beat or none at all is not conducive to higher brain function. no blood/oxygen to the brain for extended periods of time does nasty shit to the brain like kills part of it. short term memory, behavior, and every other damn thing. he is a walking nuclear bomb, that keeps going off in my life, this man who saved me, made me strong enough to deal with this. he knew he would not be here for ever and I needed to be able to take care of myself when he was gone. now he is falling to pieces and trying to take every one with him and I have to stay away from him for my own sake. this is how I repay all of his help. WHAT THE FUCK. seriously, really? what the hell am I supposed to do now? I am fucked in ways I can't even go into. sorry this is just starting to come out I have been sitting on this shit for months just trying to hold on when it would get better. when is that going to happen? never. how can I expect to have any self esteem, when the universe keeps kicking me in the teeth every fucken time i turn around. confirming what a great big piece of shit I am and how I am never going to be able to be happy, that I don't deserve it. Dear Universe, how much more? best, totally fucked? *REALLY*????? every day he destroys the last bits of my love for him. everyone is telling me to get as far as fast as possible cause it is going to get ugly and very tragic. this is how I get to treat my best friend and hero. I just want to start screaming and not stop. so I am grieving the loss of my love and soul mate. I have never been so miserable.

Where the hell do i start?

holy shit folks my life has been a LIVING hell. everyday a new shit storm shows up. fortunately since last Friday some good is showing up too. I AM CONVINCED THAT THE UNIVERSE HATES ME!!!!!! wow I said that aloud twice today. once in my therapists office, and just now. I am seeing my therapist every week now, and have seen the psych 3 times in the last 2 weeks. I have gone back on meds, that I just got back off of. *FUCK* oh and it get even worse. J has dementia, at least they think, they need to run more tests, but he has major psych issues. Me and CT call him the the towering tiny terrible three year old. he is 6'2 and 155lbs. he is so thin he is razor sharp. you look at him and he will snap in half. the authorities wanted to know if he was capable of hurting someone, and I had to laugh, not physically, I said. he used to know where the line was when to stop, it is no longer there, just like the man I love is no longer in there either. he is a ghost to me, I get glimmers of the man I love and then the monster shows up. WHAT THE FUCK????????? it is all so horrible, as I sit here barely able to see to type I am crying so hard. *** sorry had to compose my self and I am back... I just went blank and can't remember what I was going to type. that is how stressed I am. time lines right now are fuzzy as there has just been so much to do and barely surviving. this time last year he started losing it, weird erratic behavior, physical violence, and other things. to many to list. I really started dropping the weigh at the same time and so did he. I was 500ish and he was 240ish, not our highs by any means. I had to start getting healthier as my pain was off the scale and they(doctors and a pain clinic) wanted to put me back on my drug of choice as a means to kill my pain and me. I move at the speed of pain, and I have been super sonic. I am 362 lbs with all of this it has been hard and I have put a few pounds back on but that is not the least of my worries. J is very manipulative, and competitive. I was at 440lbs he was at 240lbs, I was at 423 lbs he was 220lbs, and so forth. now this is only my speculation as I was one of the ones there and this is how it presents it self. then I dropped below 400lbs to 390lbs so he was 190lbs, and so on. like a race but he has not much weight left to lose. as he got thinner his needs for insulin decreased but not totally as he is type one. then about 2 months ago he asked me throw away his insulin. I then fished it out of the trash and hid it until he got sick, by that time it was too late and his kidneys failed and he now has had a pacemaker for a month. he has rights, and unless we can prove that he is bad, and remember folks he is smart and manipulative and mean. He says he is not diabetic anymore, and will be off insulin an 2 weeks or 2 months according to him and OH the pace maker is coming out soon. and that I told him to hurt himself. about a week after he got out of the hospital he snapped one night (he had been doing minor stuff at night like hiding stuff while we were asleep cause he didn't need to sleep anymore either.) I woke up to him screaming at the top of his lungs (not the last time either) biting a big old hole in his thumb and trying to take the nail with it, he managed to do 3 band-aids worth of damage, and he jammed the door shut with a q tip of all things in the pressure plate of the door. this was 1am, you guys and ladies that follow me know how much my nightly meds affect me... we had to take him to the ER. it goes from bad to worse. he tells then all kinds of things and none of them true. how we hurt him, abuse him, he hasn't eaten in 2 days, that I told him to kill himself, that we are stealing his meds, that we are stealing his money, that we abandon him, that he hates us and never wants to see us again, that I don't care. he is abusive and aggressive and has burned all of his bridges with everyone. he got himself banned from the building, due to his screaming all night and other things. and if he shows up the police will be called if I have to call them myself. he has been back and forth between the hotel room, hospital/er, assisted living(he lasted 2 days before he walked out with all of his stuff saying hold my dinner I will be back at 8pm, at 830 the assisted living home called me as a courtesy before calling the police for whatever it is they do when a vulnerable adult goes missing. another mess I am left to clean up. on a side line they have been in business for 14 years, and they lasted 2 days with J, the owner said if she had known he was this bad they would of never taken him, and why didn't anyone tell them? cause no one believes me when I tell them, personally if I had my way J would be in API (the local nut house) with a Thorazine cocktail and a dinner straight jacket for an extended stay, then may I could get some thing done for someone other than him like me and CT. but after as big of an asshole as he has made me look to the cops. he told me that he was going to slit his wrist open in front of the ER, I called the cops as that is what you do when and very unstable crazy person say things like that and has been behaving, well erratic is too soft of a word bat shit crazy is better. he was charming and made me out to be crazy and because I take psych meds and he doesn't, I have no idea what i am doing, so obviously I am just trying to cause a sick man trouble. like packing all of his shit. he got kicked out of the building, and me and CT did it almost all by ourself. J had turned into a hoarder, 300 sq ft, of crap to the ceiling and I could not even get in there. what did we find? a shop sink with a crack in it, bags of used yogurt containers not all of them clean, tiki torches, and on and on. so much to throw away, give away and no time to sell anything. we did it in 4 days. I have a wonderful new place to live as J ruined it here for me and CT, it is too painful to be here and since he is no longer taking care of the place, it is under new management(I wish them luck, this building will steal your souls and shit it out, the place is cursed) I am still working for my old boss. as bad as J has been he has been really great, but a business is a business and money needs to be made even when lives are falling apart, and it is time to move on and I really need to get the hell out of here and make a fresh start. HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT CT IS THE BEST PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN? seriously folks what he is doing for me and J is above and beyond what some one should have to put up with. I am on my best behavior for him. he has my bank card and the razors. before I started writing this tonight I was puking and he came down here and cleaned everything up. he is the best friend a person could EVER hope to have. I don't however think he is sane. as sane person would be as far from this cluster fuck that is my life, "later I'm done" would not be unexpected, but no not CT, he and I are moving into a most lovely 2 bedroom in the next couple of days, and my new land lord and her husband are the nicest people. their kindness just amazes me, they are just that lovely (that was one of the good things) it is only shitty in my life when J is around or has done something. he knows he is not allowed at my new place, he doesn't even quite know where it is. (James can't drive anymore for everyones safety it is not official but I have taken his car keys and refuse to let him drive beasty) and I will change my phone number and get an protective order if necessary. he now knows this as of today, and we are not getting married nor will we ever live together again. I cannot be with in 3 feet of him or even on the phone with out a screaming match ensuing. we are like 2 wet cats in a bag. hierarchy of needs, and I have been meeting all of his, still. he is not a need or even a want. sleep, food, housing, and pain management, those are my needs. my Zen therapist told me that was my assignment until I see her next Wednesday @ 230(as now this is my time every week) if it is not in these 4 things then it is not necessary or needed. J is not one of them and I am relieved and really really lonely. so lonely It hurts. for all basic purposes I am single again. he has just destroyed my life with his shit, and some of it he can't help but some of it he can and since he is so manipulative you don't know when which is which. if any one else had done this to me he would kill them. he is now the enemy that i have to protect myself from, he has just lost it, and I don't know the man he is now and I don't want to he scares me and I am done with the violence that he brings to my life. I am so fucken tired. deal with the swearing, this is how I talk in real life and if my life wasn't ground zero it would not be so bad. at least every other word when I am not talking to J is FUCK. I am not okay. and this is what it is. I am okay and that just is what it is.... people expect to try to sooth me with kind words, and while I really appreciate it just now all that is going to help is to follow the plan that my therapist and Dr and CT have in place and be on my best behavior, to make it easier on everyone involved. it is so hard to behave and be age appropriate when J isn't being. comment if you like send you love but right now I am just numb and not okay, but one day i will be. maybe tomorrow and if not then the next day, cause this is the ride that i am on in the abusement park, and there is only one way off and we are not even going there. I haven't worked this hard and suffered this much (*REALLY*) to give the fuck up now. so i lost my man and my home, I have a new one and I don't need a man to be okay. I just need to be me and start to heal. me my needs, that is a whole other post. I am going to whine here for a minute(like I haven't been) what the hell did I ever do to deserve this, haven't I has my share of shit for 10,000 life times? Why does the universe hate me, and who did I piss off? I am sorry, you can stop now, please? *** everyone is surprised at how well I am holding up, what other choice do I have, oh a dirt nap not a choice at all. time to sleep, talk to ya later. WHATEVER