things are looking up.

Dry fish that I can eat, and a certain homeless guy I know is not going to spend the winter outside-they are finally going to help him.

these are two positive things that happened today, I still threw up way to much but what the hell? my skin feels like it is on fire.

I really need to take more breaks between medication withdrawals. this isn't nearly as death provoking as I remember, well not my death. the fact that I border on hate for the rest of the human race is just my own little thing. oh and who ever has the hissing high squealing power brakes set up in my front room can really let up now. (I am hallucinating, woopie for me!) nothing funnier and sadder than me trying to track the source of the noise down and it is in my own head and the rest of you can't hear it.
umm yeah, whatever.
so I am going to take my 50 gajillion pills, (WTF) and sit with my horrendous stomach ache (My stomach hurts thinking about it. brushing what teeth I have left and falling into a 13 hour drug induced coma I call sleep. either today was the worst of it and it will be better when I get up, or I am horrible fucked and not in a good way.
in weather news we have a metric shit ton of snow, and it is blowing all over the place with temps of 15 to -15 Fahrenheit.
I picked a great time to be sick.
fine I am done with you TODAY, Mr thursday shit from hell day, and I am glad I never have to do you again.
that's my story and I am sticking to it.
night.

okay...

well I have sworn off food. as I have puked every time I eat so it is just water now. I cancelled my psych and PT due to my stomach, can't lay on it and do My I,T,Y,& w's. and I AM DAMN FED UP WITH DR'S RIGHT NOW!
so not much else other than I want the number of the truck that hit me.
this seemed to be better than last time as I have all summer built my body up for this and it has not been months of puking so I think am more resilient, this time, but each time it will get worse.
the migraine is there in the back ground like in my jaw which has been clinched for days now.
so I am not a happy camper. what am I going to do? what I always do put my head down and trudge.
thanks for reading.

okay.

I woke up puking this a.m., and started a pot of soup.
All I had to do was move and breath.
it has started.
Now I find I am not as smart or as nice(to myself) as I thought?
I have 3 Dr Appts, Wednesday and Thursday.
Psyche, OB/GYN, and PT.
what the FUCK was I thinking?
I am anxious, nauseas, and My head is tight.
it will get worse, I have the migraine medicine handy and the puke pills.
we have had a metric shit ton of snow. so everything is nice and white and quiet.
so I am as fine as I can be, we will see how the day goes, then the week.
love ya guys and thanks for reading and caring!

things...

today is one of those days, like any other, which means anything can happen. it is also the week before thanksgiving, and the day I start lowering meds for the winter.
By Thursday I will be puking. had the elavil cut in half.
being poisoned sucks but coming off of them is far worse.
Migraine, vomiting, body pain fever, you name it, it is like a case of the flu and food poisoning, and chewing tin foil at the same time.
Oh and lets not forget the constant state of tweak that I am in cause I no longer have these meds sedating me.
oh and yes the absolute terror when I have to shower or anything else that stimulates me.
I am in a constant state of over stimulation. and therefore the tweak is terrible.
you know that feeling of licking a 9 Volt battery? mix that with terror and there we go.
I feel like I am waiting for the world to fall apart, that horrid thing that is just looming off in the distance, waiting to cave my head in and do awful things to me, just like in my nightmares.
not surprised that it is reaching shower time a familiar sense of dread hits me and the night to come.
it will get better all I have to do is wait 5 minutes J tells me, some times he is right, and I love him for it, but most of the time he is wrong, and it is just starting.
will check in as I am house bound during this, depending on the nausea.
love to all.

......

Freedom is in town, and we have been having fun, and due to hurricane force winds along the Alaska coast, I have her an extra night.
we went and had a nice slow day, shopping at Fred Meyers (and 3 rider carts later) and A fabric store visit. freedom got me in and out of the store for under 20.00. that was my budget, and I stuck to it.
and now I have a quiet night, as I promised a picture, Freedom took one of me at the fabric store (a very dangerous place) so there is that.
I actually like the picture.
good night and good luck!

Some-such

not much to report here. down to 410lbs, for a 102lb weight loss from last year this time.
I have hair, yes I am not wearing my Mohawk. I am still cute, just smaller with more hair. I will have pictures as soon as I find the camera again. I still throw up daily, and I am in allot of pain, oh well.
like I said not much, just hanging in waiting for snow.
I love snow, (OBVIOUSLY) (where do I live again?)
snow.
it snows and the noise disappears, the snow dampens sound. it is so quiet and soft outside.
I hate the cold as it makes my pain worse, but snow is the best thing ever.
it is all I can remember for as long as I remember, and the bitter cold.
My favorite temp? about 55.
don't need a jacket, not to hot, no bugs. think spring and fall.
we have parks and wetlands all over the city, it is one of the reasons the town is so large 25X25miles or so.
10 minutes in any direction and there are trees and wet lands.
we have birds (ducks) that stay all year round cause assholes feed them.
so when I was out on Friday, and we went to the lagoon, it is separated by a bank and train tracks on top of the bank.
the water had a thin sheet of ice on it and the open areas they had ducks, and they would try to swim as close to us as they could get, quacking like mad ducks the whole time.
I do not appreciate those uppity ducks expecting me to feed them.
I do not feed the animals. it kills them.
***
so I sit and let the ducks abuse me hoping to see an eagle, that eagle would shut them up quick. there is a mated pair in the area.they are really beautiful.
it is better to sit in the cold and not smell the sewer treatment plant near by.
it was really busy on the board walk. runners biker walkers and all sorts just passing each other as they zoom by me, as I sit and watch the ducks.
My mother went to high school just up the hill from the ducks. there is also a wonder bread outlet store, they used to sell garbage bags, I mean Hefty bags size 33+gallon of day old bread that you could buy for 5 dollars and feed the ducks with.
I would get my bread for the ducks, and I would eat it. food was few and far between. my mother would buy food for the ducks and let us starve, so fair was fair.
I hate wonder bread.
hate the smell as you drive by and smell it baking.
it is the little things that get ya.
***
I have been watching snow creep down the mountains, another inch or more of progress, each time I look. soon it will snow for good and the winter shit will start.
things will not be as accessible for me when it snows. it gets harder and more dangerous to move outside. fortunately we have malls around here and I will start mall walking this winter.
I will miss the outside, and the sun.
I saw one of my drs and I will be going off my elavil again here after the first week of November as Freedom is coming to town, WHOO HOO! I am not getting sick for her being here. I will schedule being sick after she is gone!
Just things that rattle around in my brain.
so this is it for now. love to all.