Anniversaries...

October, November, and good old December are the worst time of year for me.
my families b-days, my grandmothers death, the last time I was raped, my 20th wedding anniversary(if I had stayed married I would be dead as he would of killed me long before now), and my last suicide attempt that brought me to where I am now.

Yesterday I had a major psychotic break.

I was laughing/crying/vomiting jag for more than 20 minutes. hysterical bone wrenching madness. J was here with me and he was truly frightened. I have never done it in front of him before. it happens from time to time, when a valve in my head breaks and the madness comes out.
like being caught in a tidal force, hysteria crashing all around me.

I have never liked the holidays. I am working with that.
I have been sick now for 2 weeks with an upper respiratory infection, unable to work out. that is driving me mad, other things are going on that I am not allowed to talk about due to a pending law suit.

I swear I am on my last nut then I remember that you have to have a nut first to lose...

The farther out from a incident the easier it gets, (or so they tell me)
Come live in my head for a day then tell me that.
I have done things that I am not proud of.
I have done things that I am proud of.
what now? I keep my head down and keep trudging.
I am not scared of completely losing it.
I am worried about what it will do to those around me.