TMI time.

if you are squeamish, then best not to read this one.

My mother has given me gifts.
some, very few were of use.
mostly they have hurt me.
this is my mothers legacy to me.

last night I was at Zanna's. I went to the bathroom, and I was bleeding. looked like it was coming from my bladder. I panicked. my kidneys were bleeding. PANIC sets in.
I started feeling worse. I was scared and feeding in to it.
I have to go to the DR. I don't want to. I hate all of my DR's.

So I let Zanna know what happened. she knows me well enough.
she told me to challenge that belief. find things to validate my symptoms.
I was going poop allot yesterday. much more than usual. emotions off the scaled. cramps. the blood was dark. it is inconsistent, some times blood sometimes not.
I am almost 41. the change of life is coming.
it was my period, the one I am not supposed to have, cause I had the surgery where they burned my lining away. it has grown back, it happens in a small percentage.
it is light and small, but it makes my bladder hurt like hell. and with my bowels going crazy, everything hurts from the waste down.
so I found things that were happening to back up my symptoms.
the Hypochondriac in me freaks out.
that is one of the gifts that my mother have given me, hysteria, panic and sheer terror,
making a mountain out of a molehill.
these are the things that my mother left me with.
every time I breath wrong, I have to got to the Dr.
well not so much any more, I haven't been to the ER in 4 months.
I am pissed cause I saw the Dr last month, and they want to see me again.
why? nothing they do will help.
I am going off of all the meds I can. with or with out there help.
the Dr thinks that if he cuts off my prescriptions, I will come running.
well Thursday I am going to see the Dr. fucken asshole.
piece of shit pusbag.
I won't even see my Dr. he is in the bush doing training. I get another new asshole.
just like last month. she was a stupid bitch.
she could not even type and talk at the same time.
she gave J 21 days of amoxicillian. it ripped him apart and almost put him in the hospital.
he is just starting to get well. where he can do the stairs with out falling down them.
they are all useless pieces of shit.
what ever happened to do no harm?
I have to get off of those meds, and away from the fucken butchers.
My mother instilled in me that Dr are your friends, that I can't trust my own judgement.
Bullshit. I am in this body.

Thursday will be grand. this guy has never met me. and I am pissed. and he is going to get it with both barrels.
he is going to tell me that I am on too many meds. Ya think? asshole.
he won't even read my file. he will just give me hell about everything.
I don't have to validate this. this is how these Dr's are.
they would kill me if I let them.
look what they have done in my best interest.

I am angry. way too much for my own good.
I will pay for being angry. it makes my pain levels through the roof.
I have had it. time to calm down before I do something really stupid.
not a nice post, huh?
I am not in nice place. but getting it out is far better than keeping it in.
I am frustrated and in a place where I need help. I need a decent Dr.
one that won't fight me every time I turn around.
one that won't threaten me. help me do what I need to do to live.
Good luck, HUH?
what am I supposed to do now?
I will keep going and try to find what I need.
what else can I do?
right now I have no answers and allot of anger.