looky what I gots in the email!

Subject: : Thanks!


I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over
the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of
recovery.



I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper
towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what
the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason..

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for
life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS..

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water
splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician . .. .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

(gasp)
hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!