It's one of those Schizo affective days folks!

How many of my readers and followers know that I am Schizo affective?
that means that I am Schizophrenic and Bi polar II.
I am not a rapid cycler, it is one of my many diagnoses.
now if you READ my blog I think you may have figured it out by now....

I am feeling creative, and I feel that most of my real creativity comes from mental illness.
I have nightmares, every night.
J and I don't talk about them, not that I don't want to.
he can't deal with it. what that means is he feels helpless and has no answers to what I am telling him.
No real frame of reference.
I also actively hallucinate, so the added fun.

it is hard to understand, like me trying to me male (though I did have a dream recently where I was male and good god how do you guys do it with your pecker leading you around all the time, a breeze, did she smile at me? my center of being was below waist level, it was scary and amazing)

I have recurring nightmares that come to visit.
so since I can't talk about them, I have started to draw them.
hard when you can't discuss the drawings, I showed J one this am.
his head started to hurt.
it is of a singing (wo)man that is stuck in a planet surface, with half visible parts of people fused into the planet, and the parts that can scream do, unless she sings to them.

J said that there were allot of private parts showing.
just like a guy he notices the penises and breasts first...

now I have studied dream interpretation, and I know what this one means to me. BFD!
I have dreams that I can't discuss if I do I will vomit.
Inside my head is not a nice place.
whether it was the consistent abuse from a very young age to the mental illness, to the drugs I did. (never hallucinogens other than pot, I was way to scared to let it all go, I don't think I would come back)
I don't know. I have a pain behind my eyes and thing that need to see the light of day.
reminds me of a song I like by David Bowie, "time will crawl"


here are the words:
"I've never sailed on a sea
I would not challenge a giant
I could not take on the church
Time will crawl
Till the 21st century lose

I know a government man
He was as blind as the moon
He saw the sun in the night
He took a top-gun pilot and he
He made him fly thru a hole
Till he grew real old
And he never came down
He just flew till he burst

Time will crawl
Till our mouths
run dry
Time will crawl
Till our feet
grow small
Time will crawl
Till our tails
fall off
Time will crawl
till the 21st century lose

I saw a black black stream
Full of white eyed fish
And a drowning man
With no eyes at all
I felt a warm warm breeze
That melted metal and steel
I got a bad migraine
That lasted three long years
And the pills that I took
Made my fingers disappear

Time will crawl, time will crawl
Time will crawl
Till the 21st century lose

You were a talented child
You came to live in our town
We never bothered to scream
When your mask came off
We only smelt the gas
As we lay down to sleep

Time will crawl
and our heads bowed down
Time will crawl
and our eyes fall out
Time will crawl
and the streets run red
Time will crawl
till the 21st century lose

Time will crawl
and our mouths run dry
Time will crawl
and our feet grow small
Time will crawl
and our tails fall off
Time will crawl
till the 21st century lose

Time will crawl
and our heads bowed down
Time will crawl
and our eyes fall out
Time will crawl
and the streets run red
Time will crawl
till the 21st century lose

For the crazy child
We'll give every life
For the crackpot notion"

for what ever it means that is how I feel today