it is what it is, isn't it? Never sure.

I lost a friendship recently, and I am kinda sure what happened but when they won't even talk to you what do you do?
I have tried to call and tried to apologize, but she wont answer or call me back.
she is a 5+ year friend the first one I had getting clean/sober.
she made a comment that she was telling on herself getting on the internet, looking at the Canadian Pharmacies were they sell narcotics with out a RX.

I made the comment that I had to, but 5 years in jail was enough to put me off from looking at them, or even thinking about them.
Kinda crass huh?

I look at drinking and smoking in the same light.
I could do both of them, and no one could stop me.
But I choose not to, I don't want the trouble that comes with such things.
Smoking = not being able to breath.
Drinking = pain in my bladder, being sick, and just generally sucks, and the people that hang around you are assholes, cause I turn into even more of an asshole, than normal.

now pills. I have always it seems (well since I was 14 yo) taken pills, LOTS of them.
and I hate them, REALLY. REALLY.REALLY. REALLY!!!!! ( you get the idea)


I used to love the damn things. and wanted to be physically ill, so I would have a reason to take them.

don't wish for things folks...
it sucks being in Chronic pain with over lapping conditions.
it hurts to sit and ride in a car, it hurt to pee and poop. sex is out of the ?.
it hurt to have a hug, brush what remaining teeth I have. to kiss some one.
air blowing on my face and certain sounds make me want to kill/curl up in a ball and cry~ but that is painful too.

I see my medications as a tool, so I can sleep (well not tonight, I had a horrendous nightmare and don't want to go back to sleep, but I will have to eventually)
live my life and do the things that need to be done in my life.
I REFUSE TO BE HOUSE BOUND!!!

I know it sounds repetitive and that I am whining, all I talk about is pain.
that is all I know right now and for a long while back and to come.
this blog was started for me.
I am glad I have followers, but I don't do this for you. I do it for me.
This is the way I journal.

I am surprised that I have any followers. I lost 5 a while back.
Oh well...
I have never been popular. don't care to be.
Bottom line, I have to live my life and I am angry right now,
I don't understand, and it was never promised with the instructions that came with me that it would be fair or fun, or easy.
this is it for better or worse.

I have been pissing people off all of my life, why stop now?
I love my friends and my followers.
and I will keep learning about myself and my pain till it is my time.
the rest is just details.


I have no Idea if any of this makes sense, and I will be damned if I start caring now.
back to the nightmares.
hope you all sleep better than I do and don't dread it like I do.
it is what it is, isn't it? Never sure.