this has been a while coming.

saw my mother today.
she is in a wheel chair.
her hands are a mess. they have haematoma's just under the skin, pressure from say from someone holding her hand breaks the blood vessels. the other one is so dry, she has my grand mother's hands.
she can't drive, she is in pain and is lonely, so lonely.
she has cancer for the 4th time, lymph.
and cirrhosis of the liver. did I tell you she was in pain?
she is going to the pain clinic.
My mother has less than a year to live.
I saw her and ran, that is my first instinct when I see her.
then as I sat in the car trying to breath, I remembered the wheel chair.
I fought with myself and went back in.
I walked up to her, and called her name, she just looked at me.
"Mom, mom. Hi. Mom it's Shannon, mom?"
she finally recognised me, her eyes lit up for a minute them the light was gone.
she is lit up like a Christmas tree, on pain medicine.
she forgets what she is talking about.
she was eating a sandwich, apparently the first since Saturday, of anything to eat.
the weekend screwed up her schedule of care givers.
She has no one in the world. she has made it that way.
I asked her if I could call her tomorrow, she said yes.
it is a start.
I don't know what I have in me, we will see.