thoughts!

things have really changed around here.
I have for the lack of a better word, 2 sponsees.
One male one female.
Now if I was in AA or NA that would be against the rules.
God do they love their rules.
I think since I am a Mentor they will be called Mentos!
I like a few things about AA, not much more. I am glad it works for those it does.
I was 6 months sober and told that my kidneys had failed and that I would be dead in 3 months or less.
Imagine if you will, with that knowledge, I go to an AA meeting.
"bitch, bitch. bitch, my mother doesn't like me (who's does?) I want a drink, my kid did this I need a drink...et al ad nausem"
"I would like to live longer than 3 months"
Blank stares....
Chorus "I need a drink!"
FUCK!
so I took what I wanted and left.
And now 5 some odd years later I am back with mentos, in tow on a Saturday night.
first book store, then decaf, then 9:30pm meeting.
all the fun you can have on a Saturday night SOBER!!!!
so we go, and it was okay. had to leave early to go after FM (female Mento) cause she was coughing, and couldn't breath. she she smokes ciggies.
fine for those who do. now they were harder to quit than heroin. I have been smoke free almost 5 years. she is smoking so much she can't breath and coughs until she smokes.
so I go sit with her to make sure she is okay.
she and I have similar abuse issues, and she doesn't feel safe for very good reasons, at meetings.
I hate predators.
FUCK!
so they are now both doing homework, homework that I did. and in all fairness I will do again, with them.
A refresher course will be good for me *GROAN*!!!
so in other future posts I will go into the ?'s I am asking them, and my responses to my own ?'s.
Male Mento=mm, Female Mento=fm
first post will be: *drum roll*
why is my addict unique and special and the rules don't apply to it.
or
what permissions does my addict have to ruin my life and how does it present it's self in my life?
should be fun!

************************

and I was at Wal Mart this weekend, looking for new pants. as some one who is 465lbs I don't usually find things that fit me outside of a fat women's clothing shop!
well I found 2 pairs of 26/28/4X stretch jeans, that are cut off at the knees like I like my pants.(I have one pair of long pants and it has to be -40 degrees for me to wear them)
so I went and tried them on and they fit...HOLY SHIT, THEY FIT! THEY FIT! they fit?
err?
that means that I am losing sizes if not weight. I was attacked when I was 100 lbs smaller. so I starting gaining weight to keep me safe. if I am fat and unattractive then men will leave me alone.
WRONG!
someone is still going to find me attractive and all I am hurting is me. I can't fight them off any better if I am 40 or 400 lbs.
so I figure if I eat (what I have turned to instead of drugs, etc...)
that I will be safe....
not working cause my body is trying to loose size and gain muscle.
everyone has figured that I have picked up 100lbs of muscle.
FUCK!
*SIGH*
it is what it is...

My body and my brain are having it out.
the homework will help, the homework will help, the homework will help!
thanks for reading!