I went and visited my grandmother yesterday and I had made her some flowers, as I didn't like the grave wreaths for $25.00 (as I am a broke person) so I spent 10.00 and got her the bouquet in the pictures(that are included in this post that were taken at 8 pm last night) I put 4 stems together and bought some floral tape and wire and feather butterflies.
NOW she would of like roses, but since she is no longer alive and I am buying I bought what I liked. It is so easy to buy for the dead...
the conversation went something like this and keep in mind it was all one sided...
"hey bitch! happy mothers day! I see they got rid of your birthday flowers from last year, so I will bring some more on your birth day."
(I visit at least 3 times a year M-Day B-Day and right around Death~Day in late Oct, early November. I usually do it the day or week before so on the day I am oblivious, and usually the day goes buy and a week later I'm like glad I did it before hand!)
So back to conversation " I hear that Mother will be join you all in hell soon... warn grandfather that mother is coming cause he is in for it. she will probably lead the castration party and so you can take a break..."
"oh by the way since you are one hot momma I am planting Cilantro on your side of the grave."
(I had some Cilantro seeds and I have a black thumb so I thought why not, I brought some water and sprinkled the seeds if they grow oh well... it thought it fitting, it will get mowed... the tree right in front of the grave stone is the heartiest tree around and always had the most lush red berries, and it stays greener longer than the ones around it. Grandmother could grow anything so I am putting it to the test...)
(oh and there was a nice dusting of volcanic ash on the grave stone so that Cilantro should just shoot up with 60 some odd degree weather and a ton of sunny days.)
I took some pictures and told her to stay warm... J. almost wet himself listening to me.
I am still working on grandmother issues, and grandfather too, so not quite at the radical acceptance part, but getting there.
today's like today hold nothing for me it's is just another useless holiday altho I don't shriek at people when the wish me happy mothers day any more.
there is just a void there, just like the blood family void...
whatever
good thing about the holiday? the flowers will be way reduced tomorrow and J. is going flower shopping. he wants to fill my room with flowers, and he might be able to do it cheap, I am only going to put so much money in his wallet, or he will go crazy and I will have to tighten the budget (which I am doing anyway just because of everything) cause my b-day is 4 1/2 weeks away and he wants to do something... he only has 4 b-day cards for me at this point... (he just came by and asked me how much money we have for flowers tomorrow, God I love this man.)
So happy Mothers day to all you MOTHERS!!!
So I am full of sarcasm and bitterness when it comes to today. Maybe it will be better when my mother dies of liver failure and or whatever kind of cancer she has this time. then I can have honest talks with out the brand of insanity that is my mother and her bullshit and all I will have to just deal with mine!
This is just wrong to say but I like my grandmother dead, better than I did when she was alive.
WHAT THE FUCK!!!
I am sure it will be true of both of my parents.
oh well, back to therapy...
thanks for reading!
love and fishy fishes
Adora!
