Thursday, July 9, 2015


Sitting here eating a popsicle, makes me think back on the last few days. You all remember the woman who attacked me in group a few years back? She has beenin a wheel chair for a while now. Foundout why, she is terminal. Its her liver. I asked herif shewanted a hug. We ended up fist bumping. She has really mellowed out. Things change when you are no longer going to live. I'm back swimming after a massive earinfection has cleared up. I'm down 2 more pounds. Massive amounts of pain. That is very motivating. Not much is new other than I am finally happy. Whatever.

Friday, December 5, 2014

a million years....

It has been a million years since I wrote anything. More than anything I am tired. It has been a long year. James died at home of a fall. He hit his head, broke his face,and neck. He went quietly. His diabetes took over and he never woke up. This is something that I play within my mind. Did he suffer? I don't think so. Still i torture myself with it. I feel so much guilt. At least when I had him found he was still in good enough shape forme to say good bye. That is something else I torture myself with, seeing him dead. Whatever. Then I met a guy who seemed nice.crazy but nice. He got crazier and the car got totaled by accident, no one was hurt thank whatever. Then we got another car which lasted a month, a complete lemon. Then we were able through a loan get our current ride which is sweet. I had the yearly tests. They didn't come back good. My uterus has grown by almost 2cm. It is the reason for the pain. The tissue underneath the burnt part is growing. That is why I am bleeding again. So the doctor that is going to preform the surgery is going to clean me out with a claw like tool that will breakup all that scar tissue all 2cm of it. Then put ina IUD if this doesn't work it is off to the OBGYN oncologist to see what they can do. Maybe cancer. Next blood work came back and I need a catscan of my head to rule out a tumor on my pitutary gland. Maybe cancer. Who knows? So the scan will be after christmas ( my insurance has a waiting authorization period. I got the soonest appt I could) then the surgery will be in january. They guy I met is batshit. And he cheated on me. So we wereno longer together. Long story short,I'm lonely, and i know he will break my heart again buti keep seeing him. Stupid lonely me. Enough of that. That is the year in review that I can talk about. I am okay, and hanging in there. Oh the dr wants me to have gastric bypass surgery. WHATEVER!!!!!!! Too much to write ona facebook status. Not enough for a blog. What the hell. Good luck kids,we are going to need it so now I am signing off. Nite all

Friday, January 24, 2014

still standing

Well it is almost Febuary 2014. Still here, still standing. Another diagnosis, more pain and pills. They want to cut me open. Cant do it. I am still losing slowly, but after december and the pharmacy cutting me off my ambien cold turkey, then the flu hit and now i am still experiancing withdrawl symptoms. So that's that just a short check in. One day I will be able to write more openly about my life, just not now. Love to all.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sunday, August 18, 2013

What the Hell????!!???

why do these post have titles? I know to index them but seriously? trying to come up with a suitable title for a post so this post has no title. it might not even be a true story but what the hell, if I get in trouble so be it... this is why I don't write. what am I going to say that comes back to haunt me. whatever.

My walker is dead. I think I may have killed it.

I am having a really gooood day so bear with me I am all pumped up and really happy. having almost no contact with J is really been great for me, I can feel myself begin to breath. Anchorage, is a very nice town, at least i really like it. but I know nothing different. one of the nice things about this lovely city is our greenbelts. Do you know what those are? simple put they are areas of public parks, wildlife areas and trails of all kinds. in places you can be in the middle of the city and surrounded by forest for as far as you can see. or lakes or, or ,or blah blah blah wildlife, blah blah blah pristine beauty. you get the idea.

so on one of the days (maybe) last week (not a true story), me and the Cave Troll went for walkies. I have been pretty much house bound most of the summer. not to say that I haven't gone fishing and spent 2 nights in a tent on the beach next to the ocean and took my walker into same said ocean. I’m a little crazy like that. You know you don’t have to keep reading... So if you are a regular reader (all 3 of you) (Tongue stuck out at you), you may know of my epic adventures with my walker in the past 4 years. I've taken her in the snow, the mud, the rain, rivers, forests and the ocean shortly before her death... and really big hills. to have a sense of this let me paint past scenes. me on a hill, or in a parking garage(those aren't as fun or steep as I like) sitting backwards, going down the incline, going full tilt throttle, pushing with my feet, with CT running along side holding on to it to catch me in case I wipe out. I had never wiped out on her, until the day of her death. now keep in mind I don't own a helmet yet, I think one is in my future.

so we are doing walkies in the rain, at one of my favorite trails/parks and there a allot of hills, now these trails are paved, kinda. the trails is in the middle of a big wooded patch, so occasionally there are tree roots that have broken thru the pavement... so we go as far as I can stand before I have to ride. usually we ride the whole way back... (it is so much fun, you are backwards so you can't see anything but what is going by, pushing with your feet while CT is running along side steering and some times pulling, and braking. My brakes didn’t work after the first 6 months, so 3 1/2 years with out brakes not bad..) so it is really wet and there are tons of puddles, and mud, remember the mud part in a minute. it is time to ride the walker back. so we hit the top of the first hill back, smooth going, made the corner everything is great, we hit a long stretch of flat so I was really pumping my legs. and then we hit the area with the broken pavement that i remember noticing on the way in. the front wheels hit the ruts which are side to side. I come to a dead stop and tipped over backwards(ass over tea kettle). I hit the ground really softly, barely hit my head. I was laughing so hard. I expected my head to be bashed in. I was wet and muddy, and slightly bruised, but fine. CT caught me and broke my fall, and almost shit himself. so he is trying to get me up as I am flat on my back with the wind knocked out of me. before the fall we heard a loud crack, so I tell him to get the walker out from underneath me first, Then... get me up. so I get up, we brush me off as best we can, (remember the mud, umm, yeah.)

So what is the first thing I do? I sit on the walker and I push as hard as I can, there was another large crack. I was off that thing in a flash. one of her wheels broke in a away that she could not be fixed, so apparently CT put her in the dumpster when we got home, and now she is in the city dump/walker heaven.

So now I am planning her funeral. I got a new walker, this one is far better than the first one they wanted to give me (plastic straps, and looks like a Lego Lincoln log acid nightmare wtf?) but it will not be any good for jumps and such it is strictly an easy use model, which means no fun. so I am thinking of starting a fund for a new walker, like my last one, tough sturdy, and a blast. We will rise again. I want to take that hill again, but this time i hope to have a helmet. I miss u buddy you were a wonderful friend and you helped make it so I could be a real Alaskan, and do all of the out door things, that are so awesome for living up here. if you ever get a chance Alaska is not to be missed. Now a special shout out to CT, who saved my head from being crushed in!: I love you man. Next time I will wear a helmet, cause I want to keep doing crazy shit with you for years to come. buddy you are the best friend a person could ever hope to have, and my complete brain (NO comment) thanks you from the bottom of its bottom!!!!!! okay I am done you can stop reading now!

Friday, August 9, 2013