Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sunday, August 18, 2013

What the Hell????!!???

why do these post have titles? I know to index them but seriously? trying to come up with a suitable title for a post so this post has no title. it might not even be a true story but what the hell, if I get in trouble so be it... this is why I don't write. what am I going to say that comes back to haunt me. whatever.

My walker is dead. I think I may have killed it.

I am having a really gooood day so bear with me I am all pumped up and really happy. having almost no contact with J is really been great for me, I can feel myself begin to breath. Anchorage, is a very nice town, at least i really like it. but I know nothing different. one of the nice things about this lovely city is our greenbelts. Do you know what those are? simple put they are areas of public parks, wildlife areas and trails of all kinds. in places you can be in the middle of the city and surrounded by forest for as far as you can see. or lakes or, or ,or blah blah blah wildlife, blah blah blah pristine beauty. you get the idea.

so on one of the days (maybe) last week (not a true story), me and the Cave Troll went for walkies. I have been pretty much house bound most of the summer. not to say that I haven't gone fishing and spent 2 nights in a tent on the beach next to the ocean and took my walker into same said ocean. I’m a little crazy like that. You know you don’t have to keep reading... So if you are a regular reader (all 3 of you) (Tongue stuck out at you), you may know of my epic adventures with my walker in the past 4 years. I've taken her in the snow, the mud, the rain, rivers, forests and the ocean shortly before her death... and really big hills. to have a sense of this let me paint past scenes. me on a hill, or in a parking garage(those aren't as fun or steep as I like) sitting backwards, going down the incline, going full tilt throttle, pushing with my feet, with CT running along side holding on to it to catch me in case I wipe out. I had never wiped out on her, until the day of her death. now keep in mind I don't own a helmet yet, I think one is in my future.

so we are doing walkies in the rain, at one of my favorite trails/parks and there a allot of hills, now these trails are paved, kinda. the trails is in the middle of a big wooded patch, so occasionally there are tree roots that have broken thru the pavement... so we go as far as I can stand before I have to ride. usually we ride the whole way back... (it is so much fun, you are backwards so you can't see anything but what is going by, pushing with your feet while CT is running along side steering and some times pulling, and braking. My brakes didn’t work after the first 6 months, so 3 1/2 years with out brakes not bad..) so it is really wet and there are tons of puddles, and mud, remember the mud part in a minute. it is time to ride the walker back. so we hit the top of the first hill back, smooth going, made the corner everything is great, we hit a long stretch of flat so I was really pumping my legs. and then we hit the area with the broken pavement that i remember noticing on the way in. the front wheels hit the ruts which are side to side. I come to a dead stop and tipped over backwards(ass over tea kettle). I hit the ground really softly, barely hit my head. I was laughing so hard. I expected my head to be bashed in. I was wet and muddy, and slightly bruised, but fine. CT caught me and broke my fall, and almost shit himself. so he is trying to get me up as I am flat on my back with the wind knocked out of me. before the fall we heard a loud crack, so I tell him to get the walker out from underneath me first, Then... get me up. so I get up, we brush me off as best we can, (remember the mud, umm, yeah.)

So what is the first thing I do? I sit on the walker and I push as hard as I can, there was another large crack. I was off that thing in a flash. one of her wheels broke in a away that she could not be fixed, so apparently CT put her in the dumpster when we got home, and now she is in the city dump/walker heaven.

So now I am planning her funeral. I got a new walker, this one is far better than the first one they wanted to give me (plastic straps, and looks like a Lego Lincoln log acid nightmare wtf?) but it will not be any good for jumps and such it is strictly an easy use model, which means no fun. so I am thinking of starting a fund for a new walker, like my last one, tough sturdy, and a blast. We will rise again. I want to take that hill again, but this time i hope to have a helmet. I miss u buddy you were a wonderful friend and you helped make it so I could be a real Alaskan, and do all of the out door things, that are so awesome for living up here. if you ever get a chance Alaska is not to be missed. Now a special shout out to CT, who saved my head from being crushed in!: I love you man. Next time I will wear a helmet, cause I want to keep doing crazy shit with you for years to come. buddy you are the best friend a person could ever hope to have, and my complete brain (NO comment) thanks you from the bottom of its bottom!!!!!! okay I am done you can stop reading now!

Friday, August 9, 2013

the book of love 2

the book of love

okay, FINE!

I am sitting here minding my own business. I went to see dr head dr. My psych provider. she has new plans for medication increases.
yes you heard me right she wants to once again increase my meds. as a matter of fact she increased them with out telling me and I now have extra meds sitting here at the house. I know she is trying to help. they are now sitting here like a giant white elephant. she also wants to put me on a 2X monthly shot of something I have been on before and tolerated well at the time. I remember that I found the world with a fine mesh of cheese cloth over everything. a barrier between me and the world. and oh by the way it makes you fat, and you get to gain all the weight back that i am losing. I can see where chunks of fat are leaving my arms and legs. and I am still 420lbs. it is coming off, just really slow.

and food? I have had to completely had to change my eating. Dairy is a no-no, just because it wont stay down, and god help me if it does. Food used to be my favorite thing, not it is a chore, torture... is it going to stay down? what is it going to do to me if it does? and now shots.

I remember the days of force medication, when they would subdue me (IE beat the shit out of me) tie me down and shoot me up for my own protection. can you imagine being 15 years old, and you have had a suicide attempt, so they put you in API, the state run psychiatric facility, not a nice place. I was on suicide watch, so you sleep outside the nurses station. there was another girl there. I go to sleep. she attacks me in my sleep. I fight back, next thing I know I have six grown men try to subdue me, and strip me naked, and tie me to a cold metal table with 4 point restraints, they then shoot me up full of Thorazine, and the needle breaks off in my leg I am bucking so hard. they have to remove it, they do so with me tied to the table, naked and screaming for my life. they then left me. I screamed myself into the void. it took weeks for my leg to work right.

so you can see where I sit with getting shots twice a month, she has them ordered, and when I go in a month she expects me to take them. I am really scared. I know I am falling apart, but that is nothing new for me, I am always falling apart.
what would be so bad to have someone look at me the way Sting looks at Trudie. I don’t think it exists for me. love is something I suck at...
so now it is off to the internet and the pills I have in my house, FUCK! why is this so hard.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Thursday, August 1, 2013

it is over.

it is finally over, and I am single. I have been now a while, but this has some finality but not closure. J has his cycles of his illness. he is in the bad part, but really there is no good part of this. if you read my blog then you know what happened last time. this one was not much different. he started going down hill with his "I’m not diabetic anymore" when they found him his blood sugar was over 1000 and they thought he was dead. I had a bad dream that he was dying and I had him found and taken to the hospital. my debt is done. I should of gone back to sleep and let him die. while he was in the hospital he had a bed bug infestation, that he didn’t tell anyone about. so he was evicted and lost everything. he is now at the homeless shelter, looking for housing... yeah right. then he starts telling everyone that I am his girlfriend, and that they can drop stuff off with me, after I told him not to come near me. he is a sociopath. so today I changed my phone number, and told him it was over and that he better leave me alone or I was going to call the cops. I cant get a restraining order against him. the only thing he is a PHYSICAL threat to is my front door as you may remember he loves to break doors. they don’t give them for emotional abuse, terrorizing and stalking. I have no proof to show them. like I said SOCIOPATH! I have cut other people out of my life, my mother. father. you name it, gone. and once you cut them out. that’s it. you get no more info. like my mother being dead for 2 months before I found out. it will be like that with him. now if he will just leave me alone. he keeps telling me that I am his only reason for living. Is that really fair to me, that someone is trying to make there whole universe around me and want to wear me like a skin suit?
NO! I deserve better. this is really hard for me right now. it will get better eventually.... FUCK! WHATEVER! I'm so tired. it will get better?

Sunday, March 31, 2013

On every street

There's gotta be a record of you someplace You gotta be on somebody's books The lowdown - a picture of your face Your injured looks The sacred and profane The pleasure and the pain Somewhere your fingerprints remain concrete And it's your face I'm looking for on every street A ladykiller - regulation tattoo Silver spurs on his heels Says - what can I tell you, as I'm standing next to you She threw herself under my wheels Oh it's a dangerous road And a hazardous load And the fireworks over liberty explode in the heat And it's your face I'm looking for on every street A three-chord symphony crashes into space The moon is hanging upside down I don't know why it is I'm still on the case It's a ravenous town And you still refuse to be traced Seems to me such a waste And every victory has a taste that's bittersweet And it's your face I'm looking for on every street

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

oh my stomach!

the 17th of march is one of my favorite holidays of the year. the other being thanksgiving. what do these two holidays have in common? FOOD! so with that said there has been so much food that we are all food sick! imagine that food sick, where all you have to do is smell and your tummy hurts from all the good food that you just can't eat any more of.
so we are finally sorting out the house. had to have HIM over to do it as most of the shit is his. I would like my house ready by the funeral to have guests and not other peoples shit. we will see, it is slow sorting as I almost killed him last time he was here. other than that not much. hope you all are fat and happy later.

How about Dave? OD’d on alcohol.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Its been months

So here I am, a little after 1 am in the morning typing, why am I not sleeping? Just way too stressed.
seems like years since I wrote anything. and I HAD all of these good ideas until I sit at the keyboard.
then not a fucken thing will come to mind except how stressed I am.
I had to stop smoking, my throat is all kinds of tore up, due to all of the puking I still do. (part of it is stress but part of it is the Gastroparesis that my poor stomach suffers from, it just doesn't want to dump my food into the rest of my digestive system, so it sits there are rots till I puke) I have bleeders in my throat so when i was puking there was blood, RED blood, never a good thing. (Don't panic, the bleeding has stopped, no blood in a couple of days)
So I am trying to vape (vaporize for the rest of you). and eat the stuff. I am really stoked about the fact that I have a machine coming to me, this machine makes magical butter, or any kind of herb infused butter (garlic, basil) as the company only works with "Legal herbs". My plan like so many others who get this machine is to make cannabutter, or oil or tincture. it has a handy decarboxylation feature which turns the THCA into THC. but THC is only one of tons of good things in Marijuana. Medibles or edible marijuana, is food made with marijuana, usually made into brownies.
Why stop at brownies? Anything that you can put butter, oil or milk into works too. Spaghetti, mashed potatoes, toast.... the list goes on if you can think of it you can probably cook with it.
usually you have to sit with a double boiler or crock pot or some thing for extended periods of time it is labor intensive and takes allot of time and energy and you CAN SERIOUSLY screw it up.
the magical butter machine is so awesome it does it all for you. I have extensively researched this machine on the internet. I have almost no money. but this machine was too good not to be true. it has had AWESOME reviews by people who know about these things. Oh and the guy who created it, will talk to you on facebook, in your email, etc. he is very sweet and is always trying to do the right thing by his customers, go find his page on facebook and see for yourself, this is the way a company should do business, with its customers in mind. I feel safe and confident with my purchase and that it will do everything it claims with ease. I am not being paid by the company or anything, this is not a sponsored post, just my own beliefs and thoughts.
so there was my own personal infomercial. I expect the machine to be shipped March 15th and after that when I get it, I will try it out and give a better review once I use it. I will tell you right now this machine seems to do everything but suck your dick, well you get the idea!
well that ate up a half an hour. things have been crazy here, CT lost his brother, don't want to talk about it except he was a great guy.
I was just reassessed for services and since I looked so good they will cut my hours.(I have a beautiful place to live, I am safe and not being abused, and all of my stress is different this year, but it is doable) last year I dropped the fuck bomb every other word. this year I was polite and it fucked me in the ass like sand in the Vaseline. I will lose hours. even though I gained back 90 lbs this year due to latuda. I have been off of it since right before thanksgiving, and I have managed to drop 13 lbs since then but it really isn't coming off... well what the hell do I expect? it is right in the cusp of Fucken February and March Madness. right now I have to live with that the weight isn't going anywhere until summer hits and we all feel like doing something other than eating and hiding and sleeping... FUCK!
I am just trying to hold together until spring, but with spring comes the funeral, and I just don't know how to feel about it.
there are things I still just can't talk about. I wish I could. that is why I never write anymore. I don't feel like I can share my life anymore.
there are just some things that aren't common knowledge, Like how much CT's mother hates me and is actively trying to get CT to send me away because I am ruining her sons life. she is so sweet to my face. then tells him to send me to family. I don't have ANY family. I have one other person who would take me in, but I would have to leave Alaska, my HOME! all I have every known. I don't do change well. CT loves me, and takes really good care of me, I am his little sister- to him. FAMILY. His mother doesn't understand anything other than blood and marriage. you can be family and not be related, because you are related in your heart, where it really matters. I know CT isn't going to send me away, I am not a burden to him, I am not job. I am his friend and little sister. he is my best friend, but so much more and I would do anything for him. I try not to get upset when she starts in, but the other day I was reduced to tears. you know what? it was CT that held me and let me cry all over him until I was better. He is always there when I need him, I don't know if you guys understands what he means to me. he keeps me safe. and all I want for him is to be happy. and when someone says something contrary to that I get really pissed. his mother treats him like a three year old. SHE SHOULD BE PROUD OF WHAT A GREAT MAN HE IS! He is one of the best people I have ever met!
Stupid shit like that, and the marijuana.
My father always told me that "if you paint a target on your back, don't be pissed(surprised) when someone shoots you."
My father is? right. (was?)(I have no fucken idea, that is the part of no contact that gets you, you don't know if they are alive or dead, and I really just don't care, if I did I would talk to them, so I am great with my decision, it has saved me so much heart ache and abuse)
I hate being a target, opening myself up, and getting attacked.
I quit playing pot farm on facebook, you know why? MONEY. they want MONEY. it is all about MONEY, and if you don't have it you can't get anywhere in the game. I needed something and I tried every way I could think of to get out of it, they were going to force me, make me spend money, MY MONEY, MY WEED MONEY, My medicine, to play that fucken game. you know what I did, I erased everything and everyone who play the game. the shit doesn't show up in my feeds any more, or on any of my friends feeds, (isn't that nice of me?). I will never ever play another facebook game as long as I live. you know what? they suck rancid green donkey ass!
God damn that felt good.
So I tried talking to pot farm, for help, and the bullies swarmed me on facebook, calling me all kinds of names, people who I have never even seen before. that was the straw.
So pot farm and those assholes that play it can all go to hell together.
nobody talks to me that way anymore, without there being serious shit stirred up.
don't like what I am saying? you know how to leave this page and don't ever come back.
this blog is for me. it is nice that a few people read it, and even fewer comment(you know who you are and I love you for that) but everyone else can go fuck themselves YAY!!!!!
so that is that and now I am having trouble seeing the screen and typing is almost impossible. meaning my meds have kicked in, and I will be asleep soon, thank whatever! gotta go too many typos!
that is all, you may resume your day!

Friday, March 1, 2013

Joshua Richard Lewis - Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman: Obituaries

Joshua Richard Lewis - Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman: Obituaries Joshua Richard Lewis, 30, died unexpectedly at Hatcher Pass Feb. 17, 2013. A graveside service is planned in May at Fort Richardson National Cemetery with full military honors. Joshua was born Aug. 24, 1982, in Casper, Wyo., and moved to Alaska with his family in 1985, at just 3 years old, where he lived between Fairbanks, Anchorage and Big Lake. He enjoyed his time here working at the Salvation Army, both in Anchorage and the Valley, and was a proud Catholic Christian. Joshua was a First Class Boy Scout who later joined the U.S. Army after going to school in Wasilla and spending a short time at UAF. He served in the military from Jan. 31, 2007 to Nov. 23, 2011, with deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan. Joshua was very artistic and enjoyed role-playing games with his brothers and friends. Surviving are his mother, Katherine Sinclair of Big Lake; father Michael F. Lewis of Lander, Wyo.; brothers, Jeremiah J. Lewis and Daniel J. Reinhard of Anchorage; sisters, Angela (Rotha) Chap of Texas and Michelle Levshakoff of Wasilla; niece, Alis Carl of Wasilla; nephew, Theo Carl of Wasilla; grandmothers, Janet B. Reister and Ruth Lowel Sinclair, both of Casper, Wyo., Ileta Lewis of Lander, Wyo., and Darlene Telford of Arizona; step-father, Carlyle Telford of Big Lake; and numerous aunts and uncles, too many to mention. Preceding him in death were his grandfathers, Robert Reister, James H. Sinclair and Richard Lewis; and great-grandparents, Dutch and Bernie Davis, to whom Joshua was especially close. He enjoyed hunting and renaissance “Boffer” role-playing and re-enactments with knights, swords and armor, and had fun with paintball games. Joshua had a happy, light, boyish humor and will be missed dearly by family and friends. Arrangements were with Alaskan Heritage Memorial Chapel and Crematory.

Josh was one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. he will be missed dearly.