Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I am lucky!

we had a hit and run(the other guys fault) and no one was hurt. I got my card whoo hoo, and I won a trip to Vegas, so things are looking up, see ya!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


could not come up with a title. some thing was occurring to me as I was in nature doing my thing. (I don't do it in the house)(I hate the smell) I do not write anymore
things just went to shit and I stayed there.
why am I writing? I actually had a pleasant nights sleep last night. a very mild night.
this is a very rare thing for me anymore and you don't want to know what i had to do to achieve it.
I have a kidney and bladder infection, I will be at the dr's in less than an hour. it was hard to tell that I had it, finally the fevers and blood confirmed it.
I don't smoke cause it is fun, it isn't, it is a chore most of the time!!!
was that rough for you? it is what it is.
so with that I guess I came to apologize to you who read, for not writing more. I will work to correct that
so I will try to check in more often. things have just been to damn hard and I don't know why I keep going, not another choice huh?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

things may be better...

and in some ways they are still the same.
yesterday I went for my medical marijuana car and in about 40 days if all goes right I will be legal. being a criminal is not something I do well.
drawing a blank as to the rest I dunno.
I am tired and sick today, tomorrow is errands if I can make it.
the last 6 months has been hell and I am so glad to be on this side of it, it has been so hard.
once I am legal I will move to edibles. found a place here in Alaska, you have to have a card but it is a start. I do qualify for this, now it is just a matter of doing the paper work right( oh god did I?) it was mailed yesterday and they now have 35 days to respond from the date they get it which is Saturday. lets hope I dotted all of my I and T's. I know I did fine. I just want to look at the paperwork and make sure it is right. I hate this.
WAITING.... something I don't do well. I am just getting ready for winter, and taking care of my self.
this blog is no longer fun, or funny. may have to do something about it.
all the funny stuff is on face book.
so look for me there if ya want funny. Oh and the only game I play is Pot Farm, so be prepared for that.
are you wondering when I became a stoner? me too? pain is something that debilitates you, and will make you insane,. maybe I will be persuaded to tell the last 2 years and what set it off. maybe not
who knows it is a sad story? but not today...
see ya all around.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

what to write?

nothing, I am sick and contagious and home and unhappy with shingles! YEAH!(not)I cut off all of my hair. I am bald with a landing strip on the top of my head and some hair to put a braid in right in front. I am fat and sleeping allot and not having much to do with much of anything. J is still batshit whiny, and crazy cause he hasn't seen me in a week, well I have shingles dumb ass? why would I come out? let me touch you and lick you... you too can have blistery sores that explode. seriously folks do you have to fight to get a vacation? I can't get one unless I am covered in sores WTF!!!? most people I know can't handle being sick this long due to oh lets say paying the rent? so home I stay much to everyone’s unhappiness. I am enjoying the fuck out of sleeping and healing, first break I have had all summer. well back to sleep and the whiny one's. night all.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

what to write about?

nothing other than boring things like medical tests, I am just hiding and trying to get well with all the shit they are putting in me. will talk more later love to all.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Bappy Hirth day to me

well it is today. I have already thrown up my meds this am, and picked them back out re ate them and puked them again. Oh I am back on meds. Neurontin 900mgs(yes I know that is more than you were taking Shannon) Latuda (don't even ask, I am tired of it raining in the house and the dandelions swearing at me) and Dronabinal (yes isn't that the marijuana pill?) why yes it is and considering I can't even hold my meds down right now what else am I supposed to do? I am living on Gatorade, bananas, rice and apple sauce. oh and I am down to 350ish lbs. I have gone from being morbidly obese to extremely obese, my BMI is between 53 and 54. I blend now in with people as I am not the biggest person by any means. I have lost 160lbs now. WHOO HOOO!!!!! so I am off back to bed, then there will be today and tomorrow to celebrate. I just wish J was here and intact. it makes this day somewhat sad for me, but oh well isn't that just the way it is? happy day to all, may today bring you all your hopes and dreams!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

May, may be my best month

My uncle is dead. he died in May, this may to be exact. My mother last May. next May my last Uncle? then all the monsters will be dead.
well tomorrow is my 42nd birthday. J doesn't even know. he is too wrapped up in his own self pity to do anyone including himself any good. every time I talk to him is worse than before. soon I will have to sever all contact with him, that is how bad he has gotten. he is abusive, manipulative, and just down right nasty. I wont even get into what he is doing it is just so unreal, except that he is making things worse.

he tries to make me feel guilty, so I will rescue him. and everything I offer to do isn't good enough. "when he was in control of my life..." the pure shit that comes out of his mouth is awful and I am tired of it.
on the good side tomorrow is my birthday, and we will get to see a movie in the theater. the apartment is getting fixed, and it is just beautiful. I have a yard to sit in the sun if it ever stops raining, and a garden hose.

you all know how much I love water right? a shower with 2 shower heads, and a garden hose. I am in heaven.
it would just be complete if J would get his head out his ass. it isn't that simple.
so I go on with the help of all of my lovely friends (you know who you are out there and I love you for it) esp CT and Freedom, who are in my day to day off computer life, who always have a hug and a shoulder for me to cry on and love to give me when my heart is breaking, either by phone or in person.
to the rest of you who always comment (that is you Kymbo, and Beth and so on....)
you guys are my true birthday presents, the ones that love me all year long, and for that i am forever grateful, and you have all my love.
this is my birthday wish, to have a good day and not have my heart broken on my birthday... it just feels wrong to exclude J. but he isn't himself anymore, he is the lowest part of himself the angry 2 year old that isn't getting his way and he doesn't care who he hurts or destroys to get what he wants. funny thing he isn't getting anything being the way he is except people mad at him and I can't take the guilt trips.
: note to self : be nice when you lose your mind as others have to clean up the mess and it will not make them happy with you if you are a meanie. I am learning so much about myself watching all of this happen. I am strong and I have done everything I can, and if there is anyone at fault it isn't me. Happy BIRTHDAY to me. I love me and that is enough. love and fishy fishes.

Thursday, May 31, 2012


J saved my life, when he was good he was the best person I have ever had the pleasure to know. now he is gone, but still walking around, My ghost. the ghost that has destroyed my life. one of the Drs told me that J has less than a year at this rate. his mental illness, and his diabetes are a death sentence. I can't be with in three feet of him with out wanting to rip his throat out and I am not the only one he has this effect on, everyone else that has prolonged contact with him. drs walk out on him. his vitriolic abuse is getting legendary. I feel like I have lost everything. it would have been better if he had not survived the pacemaker and he just died. it would of been easier than watch the man I love fall to pieces one piece at a time, this horrid thing he has turned into. he is unhinged, and he isn't going to get better. slow heart beat or none at all is not conducive to higher brain function. no blood/oxygen to the brain for extended periods of time does nasty shit to the brain like kills part of it. short term memory, behavior, and every other damn thing. he is a walking nuclear bomb, that keeps going off in my life, this man who saved me, made me strong enough to deal with this. he knew he would not be here for ever and I needed to be able to take care of myself when he was gone. now he is falling to pieces and trying to take every one with him and I have to stay away from him for my own sake. this is how I repay all of his help. WHAT THE FUCK. seriously, really? what the hell am I supposed to do now? I am fucked in ways I can't even go into. sorry this is just starting to come out I have been sitting on this shit for months just trying to hold on when it would get better. when is that going to happen? never. how can I expect to have any self esteem, when the universe keeps kicking me in the teeth every fucken time i turn around. confirming what a great big piece of shit I am and how I am never going to be able to be happy, that I don't deserve it. Dear Universe, how much more? best, totally fucked? *REALLY*????? every day he destroys the last bits of my love for him. everyone is telling me to get as far as fast as possible cause it is going to get ugly and very tragic. this is how I get to treat my best friend and hero. I just want to start screaming and not stop. so I am grieving the loss of my love and soul mate. I have never been so miserable.

Where the hell do i start?

holy shit folks my life has been a LIVING hell. everyday a new shit storm shows up. fortunately since last Friday some good is showing up too. I AM CONVINCED THAT THE UNIVERSE HATES ME!!!!!! wow I said that aloud twice today. once in my therapists office, and just now. I am seeing my therapist every week now, and have seen the psych 3 times in the last 2 weeks. I have gone back on meds, that I just got back off of. *FUCK* oh and it get even worse. J has dementia, at least they think, they need to run more tests, but he has major psych issues. Me and CT call him the the towering tiny terrible three year old. he is 6'2 and 155lbs. he is so thin he is razor sharp. you look at him and he will snap in half. the authorities wanted to know if he was capable of hurting someone, and I had to laugh, not physically, I said. he used to know where the line was when to stop, it is no longer there, just like the man I love is no longer in there either. he is a ghost to me, I get glimmers of the man I love and then the monster shows up. WHAT THE FUCK????????? it is all so horrible, as I sit here barely able to see to type I am crying so hard. *** sorry had to compose my self and I am back... I just went blank and can't remember what I was going to type. that is how stressed I am. time lines right now are fuzzy as there has just been so much to do and barely surviving. this time last year he started losing it, weird erratic behavior, physical violence, and other things. to many to list. I really started dropping the weigh at the same time and so did he. I was 500ish and he was 240ish, not our highs by any means. I had to start getting healthier as my pain was off the scale and they(doctors and a pain clinic) wanted to put me back on my drug of choice as a means to kill my pain and me. I move at the speed of pain, and I have been super sonic. I am 362 lbs with all of this it has been hard and I have put a few pounds back on but that is not the least of my worries. J is very manipulative, and competitive. I was at 440lbs he was at 240lbs, I was at 423 lbs he was 220lbs, and so forth. now this is only my speculation as I was one of the ones there and this is how it presents it self. then I dropped below 400lbs to 390lbs so he was 190lbs, and so on. like a race but he has not much weight left to lose. as he got thinner his needs for insulin decreased but not totally as he is type one. then about 2 months ago he asked me throw away his insulin. I then fished it out of the trash and hid it until he got sick, by that time it was too late and his kidneys failed and he now has had a pacemaker for a month. he has rights, and unless we can prove that he is bad, and remember folks he is smart and manipulative and mean. He says he is not diabetic anymore, and will be off insulin an 2 weeks or 2 months according to him and OH the pace maker is coming out soon. and that I told him to hurt himself. about a week after he got out of the hospital he snapped one night (he had been doing minor stuff at night like hiding stuff while we were asleep cause he didn't need to sleep anymore either.) I woke up to him screaming at the top of his lungs (not the last time either) biting a big old hole in his thumb and trying to take the nail with it, he managed to do 3 band-aids worth of damage, and he jammed the door shut with a q tip of all things in the pressure plate of the door. this was 1am, you guys and ladies that follow me know how much my nightly meds affect me... we had to take him to the ER. it goes from bad to worse. he tells then all kinds of things and none of them true. how we hurt him, abuse him, he hasn't eaten in 2 days, that I told him to kill himself, that we are stealing his meds, that we are stealing his money, that we abandon him, that he hates us and never wants to see us again, that I don't care. he is abusive and aggressive and has burned all of his bridges with everyone. he got himself banned from the building, due to his screaming all night and other things. and if he shows up the police will be called if I have to call them myself. he has been back and forth between the hotel room, hospital/er, assisted living(he lasted 2 days before he walked out with all of his stuff saying hold my dinner I will be back at 8pm, at 830 the assisted living home called me as a courtesy before calling the police for whatever it is they do when a vulnerable adult goes missing. another mess I am left to clean up. on a side line they have been in business for 14 years, and they lasted 2 days with J, the owner said if she had known he was this bad they would of never taken him, and why didn't anyone tell them? cause no one believes me when I tell them, personally if I had my way J would be in API (the local nut house) with a Thorazine cocktail and a dinner straight jacket for an extended stay, then may I could get some thing done for someone other than him like me and CT. but after as big of an asshole as he has made me look to the cops. he told me that he was going to slit his wrist open in front of the ER, I called the cops as that is what you do when and very unstable crazy person say things like that and has been behaving, well erratic is too soft of a word bat shit crazy is better. he was charming and made me out to be crazy and because I take psych meds and he doesn't, I have no idea what i am doing, so obviously I am just trying to cause a sick man trouble. like packing all of his shit. he got kicked out of the building, and me and CT did it almost all by ourself. J had turned into a hoarder, 300 sq ft, of crap to the ceiling and I could not even get in there. what did we find? a shop sink with a crack in it, bags of used yogurt containers not all of them clean, tiki torches, and on and on. so much to throw away, give away and no time to sell anything. we did it in 4 days. I have a wonderful new place to live as J ruined it here for me and CT, it is too painful to be here and since he is no longer taking care of the place, it is under new management(I wish them luck, this building will steal your souls and shit it out, the place is cursed) I am still working for my old boss. as bad as J has been he has been really great, but a business is a business and money needs to be made even when lives are falling apart, and it is time to move on and I really need to get the hell out of here and make a fresh start. HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT CT IS THE BEST PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN? seriously folks what he is doing for me and J is above and beyond what some one should have to put up with. I am on my best behavior for him. he has my bank card and the razors. before I started writing this tonight I was puking and he came down here and cleaned everything up. he is the best friend a person could EVER hope to have. I don't however think he is sane. as sane person would be as far from this cluster fuck that is my life, "later I'm done" would not be unexpected, but no not CT, he and I are moving into a most lovely 2 bedroom in the next couple of days, and my new land lord and her husband are the nicest people. their kindness just amazes me, they are just that lovely (that was one of the good things) it is only shitty in my life when J is around or has done something. he knows he is not allowed at my new place, he doesn't even quite know where it is. (James can't drive anymore for everyones safety it is not official but I have taken his car keys and refuse to let him drive beasty) and I will change my phone number and get an protective order if necessary. he now knows this as of today, and we are not getting married nor will we ever live together again. I cannot be with in 3 feet of him or even on the phone with out a screaming match ensuing. we are like 2 wet cats in a bag. hierarchy of needs, and I have been meeting all of his, still. he is not a need or even a want. sleep, food, housing, and pain management, those are my needs. my Zen therapist told me that was my assignment until I see her next Wednesday @ 230(as now this is my time every week) if it is not in these 4 things then it is not necessary or needed. J is not one of them and I am relieved and really really lonely. so lonely It hurts. for all basic purposes I am single again. he has just destroyed my life with his shit, and some of it he can't help but some of it he can and since he is so manipulative you don't know when which is which. if any one else had done this to me he would kill them. he is now the enemy that i have to protect myself from, he has just lost it, and I don't know the man he is now and I don't want to he scares me and I am done with the violence that he brings to my life. I am so fucken tired. deal with the swearing, this is how I talk in real life and if my life wasn't ground zero it would not be so bad. at least every other word when I am not talking to J is FUCK. I am not okay. and this is what it is. I am okay and that just is what it is.... people expect to try to sooth me with kind words, and while I really appreciate it just now all that is going to help is to follow the plan that my therapist and Dr and CT have in place and be on my best behavior, to make it easier on everyone involved. it is so hard to behave and be age appropriate when J isn't being. comment if you like send you love but right now I am just numb and not okay, but one day i will be. maybe tomorrow and if not then the next day, cause this is the ride that i am on in the abusement park, and there is only one way off and we are not even going there. I haven't worked this hard and suffered this much (*REALLY*) to give the fuck up now. so i lost my man and my home, I have a new one and I don't need a man to be okay. I just need to be me and start to heal. me my needs, that is a whole other post. I am going to whine here for a minute(like I haven't been) what the hell did I ever do to deserve this, haven't I has my share of shit for 10,000 life times? Why does the universe hate me, and who did I piss off? I am sorry, you can stop now, please? *** everyone is surprised at how well I am holding up, what other choice do I have, oh a dirt nap not a choice at all. time to sleep, talk to ya later. WHATEVER

Friday, April 27, 2012

J had a pacemaker put in today. *SIGH* the rest is wait and see.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

thing are better

Just that so we are all in a holding pattern as he heals and they keep doing tests. things are better. I am very tired, so I am off to sleep for the first time in a week before midnight. night all.

Saturday, April 21, 2012


J is in the hospital, bad news, he just needs time to get better, he will be in at least a week, but after a number of scares, he is starting to improve. he is diabetic and got a stomach bug, then he got dehydrated, then it got bad. bottom line they are still looking and doing tests and he is at least COHERENT! and things are starting to move again, thank what ever. so I am just hanging on doing my best. stress is great for you I lost 12 lbs this week. I am now 358lbs for a total of 154 lbs. so some better news. thing here are fine, chin up and all. later.

Monday, April 2, 2012

still here

I am still here, I am just so fucken tired!

so we are just rolling along keeping my head above water.

I had a run in with a bully Dr, while looking for a new Dr due to the fact that all of the other Dr's are idiots, and I don't see them any more.
I need some one who wont push pills and surgery.
that they will push is hard work, and exercise and self love.
there is time for patience, and it is not now.
the Dr asked me if I was smoking crack and told J to SHUT UP!
he is an angry little man on his way to a nervous break down.
apparently Dr's don't like me calling other "colleagues" "IDIOTS"
and he was transferring all kinds of his shit to me.
I spent all after noon crying.
you know what?
I am still here and intact and still looking for "Dr- doesn't- exist".

so anyone know a great Dr, that doesn't push pills or surgery? and takes Medicaid and me and J are a package deal- we see the Dr together, at the same time. they can't fuck with you as bad if you have back up it is more equalizing. oh well..
strength through unity! sorry the Fascist in me just came out...
we will succeed, and i do mean the royal WE.
love to all, except those of you that I don't :P

Thursday, March 15, 2012

and it goes...

I am well enough to blog, that doesn't mean I feel good.
All I do is sleep, oh and puke every day.
nothing like trying to sleep/die and having to move to puke, umm yeah.
this really fucken sucks.
the highlight of my day is trying to drown myself in the hot tub.
I am now so gacked I just had to drink my vitamins. as it is near med time.
so what have I been doing for the last six weeks?
off all of the neurotin, last 25 of evavil, and 50 mg of atarax. Monday I half my HTZ, so I don't start falling down.
I am down 136 lbs for a weight of 378lbs.
I will stop for a few months and get my bearings.
I am having panic attacks that make me wish I was dead.
Have I told you how tired I am?
this too shall pass.

on a brighter note I am more mentally aware, so I am going through all of my belongings with a mind to spring cleaning. this should be good. who knew someone could have so much shit?

well I am back to bed night all!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Saturday, February 4, 2012

yeah, Right!

okay so the pharmacy and the Dr screwed up and I get a business as usually box, full of the fuck you meds.
and no latuda which is fine with me cause I am not taking it, more poison.
so I will either have to do the meds in my cassette(meaning I will have to cut them in 1/2 myself)for the week or throw it back at them.
My psychiatrist got an ear full on her answering machine, so she will hear it Tuesday...
fuck Tuesday.
No help at all.
I am on my own.
this shit will KILL me if I stay on them.
and I am losing my mind going off of them.
what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Oh yes, suffer....
that is one thing I do know how to do.
now back to your regularly scheduled program.
I will stay in the land of the fucked.
no comments necessary.
I am as frustrated as you.
I love you all, even the ones I hate.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

5 minutes, part 2 and Asstastic!

*J started something new with me, and it is working incredibly well, he will tell me "it will be better in 5 minutes, just hold on", do you know how strong that makes me? breaking life up into 5 minute chunks. makes it so much easier to digest the day and the happenings.

I have so much shit in my head that I want to write, and so much I think about but it happens at night when I am supposed to be sleeping, so I sleep, mind whirling at 10 million mph. the drugs still shut me down dead, even losing 25 mg of elavil, I am dead to the world. I have not been sleeping with earplugs in, I will just keeping going off the drugs until I can't sleep and then I will stop, and make it so I can barely sleep.
no sleep=bad things.*

this is a post I came across, while looking around that I never finished and it is how I really feel. it was dated December 11th 2011 and promptly got forgotten about.

let me tell you about my Asstastic day Friday:
we had been trying to get stuff done since I am going to be sick. so me and J are out driving. it was -11 degrees at the time. Anchorage is a very scenic city and we have a ton of park land in and around anchorage, most of it wet lands, so lots and lots of tree and water and parks to sit at and watch the sunset, which has been off the charts lately with all of this -degree weather.
extreme heat like extreme cold requires more water.
FYI this is going to be TMI time and probably PMSL and ROFLMAO, so don't read on if you are squeamish, but then why are you on my blog if you are squeamish?
I wear adult diapers and have since I was 14. they mixed some meds when I spent most of the year in the psych hospital, and my bladder muscles gave. and part of My IC makes my bladder less elastic(well not at all).

this is the picture I could find of them.
my liners are 24.75" long and about 10 inches wide. they cover me from the top ass crack to belly button(and they just keep getting bigger.) they are huge and hold allot, but not all the time do they keep me dry, so I have a diaper bag like you would have for a baby with diapers, wipes and extra clothes, and I sit on something called a chucks, it has an absorbent side and a water proof side they are on all of my chairs and bed and car seat, mine are reusable, meaning you wash them.
so more water cause it is really dry. really cold watching the sunset in the running car, talking and laughing.
as it happens I am peeing and there is no bathroom, so do what I always do? get out of the car and do my quick change, and get cleaned up, like I always do,not so bad so far. well I get out of the car and it is still running, so I get gassed which causes me to cough. all of a sudden the diaper is no good, and I am wet to my knees. J announces that he has 58 blood sugar.( he is type 1 diabetic) fortunately we also have a food bag, along with other things.
I this point I am using every swear word I know and I few I made up.
keep in mind what temp it is out, and that the car is off and I have the two passenger doors wide open trying to figure out how I am going to get changed cause we are not driving anywhere till his blood sugar comes up to safe levels. I am great at a diaper change, but this it is not that easy. I am wearing 5 top layers 2 bottom layer and 3 pairs of socks. I have to get out of my coat and the two other jackets I am wearing and everything below the waist but the socks,I get my shoes off and I am not standing in the snow sock footed, remember the temp? so I get my pants and underwear off, now standing on them, on the worst possible place on a small hill, so out comes the wipes and my bare ass exposed to the elements. we have not seen a soul we are out in the boonies, the entire time. minute I am tending to personal matters FREEZING MY ASS OFF! a hippy chick skier comes by. all I can do is start laughing, worst thing I can do cause I am peeing again and no diaper, pants and such. so I get out my clean under pants, and they aren't clean. they were washed with a cough drop that has gone brown white and blue green, more swearing ensued. I finished cleaning up, and got redressed to get back in the cars and get warm, it has been off the whole time. we have to wait for J's blood sugar to come back up and I am home to a shower...

needless to say we are staying home today. it is looking like it will be the coldest recorded year in history or at least it is stacking up to be. it is currently -12 below. I am going to go get back under the heating blanket, so stay warm all and cool where you need to.
I hope you enjoy my tale of woe and the wilderness.
My ass is still cold. at least I am dry.
love to all.


well I have a new Psych provider, and she is awesome.
I have been unable to go any further down on meds on my own.
I lost my nut and almost my job and my place to live last time (November).
so we have had a long talk and she is going to start helping me get rid of the meds.
starting the 6th of Feb, we will cut my neurtontin in 1/2 until I am off of it in 4 weeks.
AND we cut my haldol in 1/2.
at the same time I am going on Latuda. it is a newer cleaner version of both meds and does even more, and has less side effects than the two I am taking.
I am having to many mental health symptoms, as my mania and depression are off the charts as are my hallucinations.
Also I am down to 393 lbs for a total of 199 lbs since November or 2010. at least 200 more to go.
also next time I see her(psych) I am going to give here all of my "stored" meds.
these are meds that they have given me and I am not currently taking, and have also hoarded.
don't look at me like that.
why else would you hoard meds?
yes, that reason.
well in 5 weeks They will be hers to send to the incinerator.
that feels really good. why 5 weeks? because that is when I see her again. (trust me she is slammed with people trying to see her.)
so chill, I have to do this in my time. time is a coming.
so thing are progress, I am getting ready for being sick.
I will have to stay off the computer(mainly my emails from work) for a bit it is safest that way, WE are not having shit hit the fan again, even if I get mad at bullshit that is too stupid to even consider.
okay rest saved for part 2 called 5 minutes it was originally done as a draft on the 11th of December and then forgotten about so you will get to enjoy it.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


nothing to write,
love to all.