Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sunday, March 28, 2010

You know you're in a Redneck Church if:

You know you're in a Redneck Church if:
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch
'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get
out of"
(Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too
heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling
" washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if
.
... The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo
from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .

.. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a
'56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.

Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck
call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .

.. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .

.. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled
Pink."

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.

"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if .

.. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya
hear."

God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

birthdays, the end of the world and Google. I wrote this!



I have my birthday coming up in 2 months 2 weeks and approx 6 days give or take.
now what make this so fantabulous~my own word, is that it is my 40th bday.
I am not pushing 40. I am grateful that I am going to be 40.
WHY?
my expiration date was 5 years ago.
I was 6 months clean and they told me I would be dead in less than 3 months.
they did not know me very well, now did they.
I have made it. despite what everyone in the medical profession thinks.
they tell me I am a miracle. they have never seen such determination.
I am like one of those weeble-wobbles you knock them down and the come back up.
god that dates me.
I loved beating the hell out of them and they always stood right back up with that goofy grin saying do it again!
you may now be asking what is it with all of this positiveness Bibble?
have the Martians done experiments on you?
nope!
and nope to any other ?'s.

what has happened?
I was in a group that I attend semiregularlly. and another group member attacked me verbally.
she is a, well how do I put this. I am voluntary and she is not.
being a felon I guess you have less choices all thou I wouldn't know.
I have always hurt people by hurting myself.
needless to say she is not a nice camper.

well I haven't been back to group and someone else in the group quit because of it.
it is this huge mess that won't be solved any time soon.

I got really angry and internalized it. and ended up with my jaw joint in total spasm.
I had chipmunk cheeks for grinding what teeth I had left in my mouth, destroying my mouth and my jaw.
I was really pissed. and it really hurt me.
so I went to see a ENT specialist. basically with all the meds I am on he really couldn't do anything to help me but tell me to relax, and don't clinch, and get a bite guard. well ya have to have teeth for the guard to work and I used it any way and made hole in my upper mouth. that really made me realize what I was doing to myself in my sleep.
on the way out of the appt I found a laughing club.
I was desperate, thank god!
so every Monday I go to the laughing club or laughing yoga.
I have gone twice and had to use my inhaler we laugh so hard it triggers an asthma attack. and my sides hurt and I am hoarse. it is one of the things that is working.
then I found another acupuncturist, and they do clearings I have had 3 now, the last one yesterday. what a difference, seriously. it is eating into my savings but it is so worth it.
I saw the ENT Dr 2 weeks ago Monday, and then Monday, and he was so shocked at the difference in my face.
I talked to my therapist and she really can't be any help. I have to file yet another grievance.
OH WELL!, or maybe perhaps.
let me give you the perhaps story.

there was a Taoist farmer, and he had land and a horse to plough his fields, the horse broke free and ran away. all of the towns people came by and "oh what poor luck" the farmers response was "perhaps"
then the horse came back with a bunch of wild fillies all of the towns people came by and "oh what good luck" the farmers response was "perhaps"
the farmers eldest son was trying to tame the fillies and got thrown and broke his leg and became lame. all of the towns people came by and "oh what poor luck" the farmers response was "perhaps"
then war broke out and they were drafting all of the eldest sons for the war. but since his son was lame they left him with his father. all of the towns people came by and "oh what good luck" the farmers response was "perhaps".

SO PERHAPS!

so in turning 40, there are some things that make me laugh.
my 43rd bday is on a Friday in June.
what makes this so significant?
the Mayan calendar ends Dec 21st 2012, at that point the world IS supposed to end.
huh. Perhaps.
I believe that people will die on that day. but people die everyday. that day will be no different, EXCEPT stupid people will panic. they always have.
in the year 999 AD the world was going to end due to the new millennium. so people gave all there land and possesions to the church thinking it would get them a better place in heaven.
new years day 1000AD the world is still there. and the people are now wanting their land and such back due to the fact that the world DIDN'T end, you know what the church told them? Sorry it is church property.
Y2K didn't get us.
everything has to stop at some point, it is part of being finite.
Google calendar goes up to the year 5000 + (I just didn't feel like holding the button indefinitely to see how far it went)
In 1970 I was born on a Sunday.
1000 years from that date June 14th 2970 will be a Thursday
in the year 3200 it will be on a Wednesday.
in the year 3970 it will be on a Sunday. (How cool is that?)
in the year 4970 it will be on a Thursday.
and in the year 5000 it will be on a Saturday.
my point besides the one on the top of my head?
someone was born on that day, or will be,
someone will die in that day or will be.
Maybe the Mayans had no faith in the human race, seeing as how stupid we are to each other.
maybe they just got bored and figured it was good enough, and it was the end of a 12,000 year cycle and the future would take care of it.
perhaps...
bottom line days are like any other till you die, some great, some bad, some okay.

I choose not to buy into the bullshit, but that is how I live my life.

I have a birthday that no one thought I would make including me, and it is fastly approaching.
I have love and joy and pain in my life. my life...
lovely!
thanks for reading, gentle reader.
love and fishy fishes
Adorabibble!

HAHAHA!












Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Irish Medical Dictionary?








artery.... The study of paintings

Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria..

Barium....................What doctors do when patients die.

Benign..............What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan..................Searching for Kitty

Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.

Colic.......................A sheep dog...

Coma............A punctuation mark

Dilate.....................To live long..

Enema.....................Not a friend.

Fester...........Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.....................A small lie.

Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid...................A higher offer.

Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.

Node.......................I knew it..

Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.

Pelvis.......................Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.....................Nearly killed him.

Secretion.................Hiding something.

Seizure.....Roman emperor.

Tablet.....................A small table.

Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour...................One plus one more.

Urine.....................Opposite of you're out.

2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure

Senior Health Care Solution




So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives, Republicans orDemocrats it doesn't make a difference. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison, where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need. New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore..


IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

THE BLOND MORTICIAN



THE BLOND MORTICIAN




A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
*******************************
I LOVE IT!

Monday, March 22, 2010

I don't like Mondays!~ boomtown rats




Lyrics:
The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload
And nobodys gonna go to school today
Shes gonna make them stay at home
And daddy doesnt understand it
He always said she was good as gold
And he can see no reasons
'Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be show-ow-ow-ow-own?

Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot the whole day down

The Telex machine is kept so clean
And it types to a waiting world
And mother feels so shocked
Fathers world is rocked
And their thoughts turn to their own little girl
Sweet 16 aint that peachy keen
Now that aint so neat to admit defeat
They can see no reasons
'Cos there are no reasons
What reasons do you need?
Oh Oh Oh Oh

Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot
The whole day down, down, down, shoot it all down

And all the playing's stopped in the playground now
She wants to play with the toys a while
And school's out early and soon we'll be learning
And the lesson today is how to die
And then the bullhorn crackles
And the captain tackles
(With the problems of the how's and why's)
And he can see no reasons
'Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to die, die?
Oh Oh Oh

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload
And nobodys gonna go to school today
Shes gonna make them stay at home
And daddy doesnt understand it
He always said she was good as gold
And he can see no reasons
'Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be show-ow-ow-ow-own?

Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like
I dont like (Tell me why)
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like
I dont like (Tell me why)
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I don't like Mondays
I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot the whole day down

Jim and Christine!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older...

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Christine was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting in her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I don't write them. I just post them!

AH THE MUCH REVERED INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE…







Just so there is no confusion "Wifey" is airbrushed right on your ass.







Now this is Classy






A veil might help



No white bridey stuff here



Nice silver tube top



Alice in Pimpland?




Nothing like a cake statue of the bride. Yum yum



The traditional wedding cake smash---




Forget something?



First Mother-in-law advice...



The camo tux



Star wars lovers




The bride doing a kegstand.



Elvis actually looks the best of the bunch




This is dude is the Prince of the Mole Kingdom.



Who needs a limo?



Superior Support. What if one of those things breaks loose and hits the minister?




After his engagement, he figured he would be captured overseas and never be back.

Clean jokes for dirty minds! thanks Jesse!!