Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Why do people think I care?

I am venting so if you don't want to hear swearing then stop reading.

I rent the rooms where I live. I don't get paid for it. it is something I do because it is what I am best at. I can tell you in 30 seconds what they will be like and do as a tenant.
it is scary how accurate I am.
but this being a business and it isn't mine, the business is to make money.
that is done by keeping rooms rented.
I don't like what I do. I am good at it.
I don't like the people I rent to. 90% of the time I regret renting to people.
but the business isn't mine and I do what I am told.

tenants when they move in here are told some very important things.
clean up after yourself, pay your rent, don't cause problems.
don't look for J in my room, it is off limits.
and DON"T ASK ME ABOUT BUILDING BUSINESS.
I can't help you. I don't want to, don't have to.
I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!!!
I cannot help you. I am not the manager.
I am an unpaid secretary, who is intensely uninterested in your problems.
Now if you are sick or hungry, then I am more than happy to help.
if you want to see me for me, then I am happy to see you.
for ANY other reason, Fuck off!

and they just don't get it, they are confused.
does never talk to me again sound confusing?
the last 2 time the tenant in ? has talked to be it has been about building business.
what the fuck is wrong with this asshole?
the first time I laughed at him and walked off letting the manager handle it.
tonight I was not so nice, friend or in any way helpful.
I was screaming and screaming some more.

I have my limits. and every fucken time I leave my room one of these assholes do it.
I am sick. and I hate leaving my room, cause every time I do some asshole jumps my shit.
well living arrangements change.
soon I will be moving.
not because I want to but because some one is dying, and I may never get offered this kind of a situation again. I have already turned it down twice before.
then I will not have to deal with this but some other damn thing.
why did I wake up this morning for this shit?
you are now back to your regularly scheduled program.
tomorrow better be better than today, or some one is getting screamed at.
I hope one day to meet my maker, so I can then kick it's collective ass for this bullshit life I have, dealing with stupid people.
everyone has to live somewhere.
Part of my ad should say, No ASSHOLES.
but then you can't discriminate, and even assholes need a place to live.
Just don't ask me to care about you if you are to stupid to live.
just do everyone a favor and win a Darwin Award.
then fuck off.

DO you fart in bed?

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP F...OR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
...
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

- The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

- My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

- My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

- I had no control over the drooling.

- Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

- I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

- I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

the more things change...

they just do. well for an update to all who care, and if you don't care then why are you reading this? just a thought, those who matter don't mind, and those who don't matter do mind. which are you? if you are the second then... fuck off!

I have lost 94 lbs since this time last year. I am down to 418lbs.
how did I do it? I'm sick.
still trying to get into the rheumatologist, who knows what year that will be, if it is this hard to even get a referral?
*sigh*
I vomit daily, usually first thing in the am, and usually when I eat.
I look good. (snort)
umm. yeah right...
the sun tan and growing my hair out, and the weight loss become me.
(now if I can just keep from loosing the rest of my teeth.)
CT is learning trigger point release therapy from Freedom and youtube. it is the only way I can move. even them it is screaming pain.
sometimes it is just screaming.
when it hits it hits hard and leaves me drained for days.
I sleep allot more and I am less medicated, go fig?
*Sigh*
things are in the works for the winter, and the spring beyond.
I am actually looking forward to winter.
*SIGH*
although fall is the best time of year.
this winter I will start the great medication reduction, again.
so for now I sit under my heating blanket, and read and watch TV.
I have allot of help between CT, and J and CH. and all of my other lovely friends...
so for the most part things are good. not great but in time I hope for things to get better.
what else do I do, but have hope?
no one said I would live forever.
or that it would be fair or fun.
it is interesting
lots of love and thanks for reading.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

if you call me at 10pm...

And threaten to kill yourself I will call the police to do a wellness check, and they will take you to the Psych ER, where you will have a nice visit with the people in scrubs.

*SIGH*

How did your Saturday night go?
well welcome to my Saturday night.
one of my friends that I have known for 17 years, called me last night.
"I am tired and fed up and I have a plan to fix it all."
"what is the plan?"
"I can't talk about it, but I have enough pills in the house to do myself in"
so yeah umm...
being that I spent most of my life suicidal, I know what she is saying.
The hospital called me this am to talk about her. they can't confirm that she is there, but they want info. fine. she is probably pissed at me, no I know she is.
Really really really angry.
calling people before they go to bed to tell them that you are offing yourself is totally inappropriate. I am glad she called, instead of doing something stupid.
she has the history and the means.
that is something I can't ignore.
but for me not to take that shit seriously, WHAT THE FUCK!!!
what if she had done something and I had not said something?
most of my friends are dead or disappeared.
she is it from those days, and I truly love her.
actions and behaviour have consequences.
maybe one day she will not hate me for stopping her.
right now I don't care as long as she is safe.
whatever.

Saturday, September 17, 2011