Sunday, September 26, 2010

Vat Da Hell, Ole ?

Vat Da Hell, Ole ?

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

clcik this title


Monday, September 20, 2010

word puzzle


I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out. My first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer.
See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.....

No, it is not that they all have at least
2 double letters....
Let me know if you found the answer - I didn't!
Answer is below!




In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No?

The Pharmacist's Monday Morning

The Pharmacist's Monday Morning
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
Failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
Hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both
House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was
About three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
To open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time
The darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
Me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Sunday, September 19, 2010

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above,
Sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get a little lovin', and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.


Been doing it wrong all these years

Been doing it wrong all these years


A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and

"προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which

the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in

a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the

first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, some-

times producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular

among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change

the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning

of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than

standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people

appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is

not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse

gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',

and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal

from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where

a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but

it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for any-

thing, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble

down the stairs.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,

they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool

and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove

that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an

emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...

so I said "Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four

billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down

the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think

they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for

president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall

of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need

a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have

some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in

such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home,

even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery

easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to

be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed

touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever

they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone

down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,

and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the

Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call

whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are

after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why

do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work

that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to

his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather …

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

women in restrooms!

Have you been there?

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't –
so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!),
yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless (Oh, I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse.
(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor,
lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ
and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because,"Frankly, dear, you just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes,
propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays
a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser
for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, you wipe your hands
with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.
(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ................

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

A Friend Is Like A GoodBra...
Hard to Find...
Comfortable ...
Always Lifts You Up...
Never Lets You Down, or Leaves You Hanging, And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Share with anyone who needs a good laugh!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

best of Craigslist from my home town!

best of craigslist > anchorage > FREE TO A GOOD HOME
Originally Posted: Sun, 20 Sep 17:36 AKDT
Date: 2009-09-20, 5:36PM AKDT

Have we got a great deal for you!

Have you ever wondered how your life would be with a hateful, cantankerous, rude, hypocrytical, opinionated, obnoxious, obese, angry, hairy, verbally abusive, and co-dependant Grandfather that your not related to?

His name is Leland, hes in his 70's, hopefully in poor health. Leland enjoys judging others and enabling one of his many criminal children to plunder various objects from his wives family.

If you enjoy suspenders, creepy non-audible chuckling, being referred to as "dickhead", generic old man comb-overs, random accusations of drug abuse, that old people stench that sticks in the back of your throat, rude judgemtal comments about your loved ones, watching your grandmother be maliciously manipulated into hating her own children/grandchildren/anyone, your house being cluttered with useless shit that he pretends he invented, and interacting with someone who is completely devoid of a soul, then we have the Leland for you!

Care Instructions:
1)Leland needs plenty of happiness to suck out of the area around him, so make sure that you provide him enough sacrifices. (I.E. children, cats, adult humans....really anyone extra you have laying around).
2) Make sure you have a healthy supply of ridiculous red suspenders readily available.
3)An elderly woman to follow around and order about.
4)Enough tools to invent really crappy things that for some wierd reason really have been invented before.
5)Thousands of dollars in cash or anything tradeable/sellable/pawnable so that his worthless, space wasting peices of shit sons can come and steal it for drugs.
6)Anyone that ever needs a favor excluding anyone in his family, so that he can have the immense joy and satisfaction of telling them no.
7)Cats to kick.
8) Children to kick.
9)Disabled people to kick.
10)Erection pills, he cant get it up alone, but he needs to jerk off to his diabolical genius. Possibly his inability to achieve an erection has caused some of his more "Fun" personality quirks.

As hard as it is to let such a wonderful person and human being leave our lives... We all feel the need to share this beautiful creation of god with the rest of the community, if not the world.

If you feel up to the task... PLEASE don't dilly dally around.. I imagine everyone will rush to respond to such an earth shattering offer... he may be gone before you can get to him.


* Location: Peter Creek
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


best of craigslist > anchorage > Shrunken Pet Head Amulet
Originally Posted: Thu, 19 Nov 11:41 AKST
Shrunken Pet Head Amulet
Date: 2009-11-19, 11:41AM AKST

Have the love of your life by your heart forever. I will shrink your pets head to the size of an amulet. You can then wear it on a chain or leather strip and have them by your heart forever. I can give you more details if you would like, just ask. Freeze the head for later or I can do it with a freshly removed head. Final results vary depending on size of pet as well as hair length. ALL this for a small fee of $100 or trades considered.

* Location: Every Where
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

best of craigslist > anchorage > Wanted: Pony
Originally Posted: Wed, 15 Jul 21:52 AKDT
Wanted: Pony
Date: 2009-07-15, 9:52PM AKDT

My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony.

I suspect there'll be what - about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely.

Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect.

Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it just kinda hangs out all day, so I know what kind of shape it is in.

If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession.

If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

* Location: Anchorage
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

best of craigslist > anchorage > couple looking for another hot girl - mw4w
Originally Posted: Tue, 6 Jan 23:57 AKST
couple looking for another hot girl - mw4w
Date: 2009-01-06, 11:57PM AKST

come join us and make it a threesome

* Location: anch
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
(I'm sure I know this guy from therapy)
best of craigslist > anchorage > Free Hot Tub
Originally Posted: Wed, 15 Oct 08:57 AKDT
Free Hot Tub
Date: 2008-10-15, 8:57AM AKDT

Do you need a year round way to water your lawn, deck, yard, garage? Have you ever wondered what a 425 gallon colander looks like? Ever really wanted a motorized dog bath? Today is your lucky day. I have a free hot tub. Yes it is complete and it is drained. I drained part of it and it drained itself the rest of the way. Where does it leak??? Find that and you have found the leprechaun with the pot of gold. This unit is perfect for the individual who knows no limit to frustration. The type of person who likes a challenge even when there is no chance of winning. This will build the kind of character in you the armed forces dream of. You will find yourself exhibiting behavior that you never thought possible, but ITS FREE!!!! You will need strong backs to load and a trailer. I will be able to offer short bouts of sympathy and witty banter while you prepare to begin your journey.

If this interests you, and it should because ITS FREE, you will need to call and schedule to come by and pick it up. Please remember, I am not a business as it is hard to make a living giving things away. Please call and let me know when you will be there as I have other things to do. I will not guarantee anything except you have your work cut out for you. I will not deliver it, save it, paint it, or take photos of it for you until it is on your trailer....again...ITS FREE. Please call me if you want it. [DELETED]

Coleman 411 � 5 Person tub
Has Cover
Pumps, heater, etc did work
Air injector pump has been disconnected
The rest is a foam filled crap shoot

* Location: South Anchorage
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

best of craigslist > anchorage > Dead Moose
Originally Posted: Thu, 8 May 10:33 AKDT
Dead Moose
Date: 2008-05-08, 10:33AM AKDT

I have a dead moose free for the taking.

It died yesterday, apparently of natural causes. I called Fish & Game to come and get it. Apparently, moose are a natural resource and belong to everybody, until they die, then they belong to whoevers property they die on. So, according to Fish & Game, the moose now belongs to me. Sweet!!

So, if you want a free moose, please come and get it before the bears do.

You could use it for dog food, or stuff it and put it your front yard, bear bait, whatever. If you live in the lower 48, this might be your best opportunity to get a free Alaska moose. I dont really care, I just want it out of my yard.

Please reply via email, I dont need all the animal rights folks calling me, its dead, and according to Fish & Game, its got no more rights...

* Location: Anchorage
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

best of craigslist > anchorage > Costco counselors standing by
Originally Posted: Wed, 22 Nov 09:02 AKST
Costco counselors standing by
Date: 2006-11-22, 9:02AM AKST

Thanks, you poor, needy woman for making one of only two Costco optical department employees your personal therapist as you dealt with the trauma of having to purchase your first pair of glasses. No, really, I was happy to wait in line while you had your hand held and quietly begged for reassurance that life wouldn�t end at the moment you put on your fashionable little eyeglasses for the first time.

After all, it was Costco. That�s what they are there for. It�s not as if we were in a store that specializes in high-volume sales and efficient service. It was completely appropriate for you to keep everyone else waiting as you acted like slightly deteriorated vision was a terminal illness. The woman behind the counter had nothing better to do than to spend a half-hour telling you that glasses are easy to wear and that you will survive the adjustment. The rest of us were happy to delay our dinners, shopping and commutes home from work as long as we had the satisfaction of knowing you felt just a teensy bit better about this major milestone of middle age.

The fact that you were actually weeping really tugged at our heartstrings. No one waiting in line wanted to tell you to grow the fuck up, or point out that you areen�t really all that attractive to begin with, so the glasses aren�t going to diminish your appearance.

I think we all just wanted to sweep you into our arms and give you a big, comforting hug so that, as your sobs faded and your whimpering ebbed, we could quietly run our fingers through your long, blond hair, hold your head in our hands and then suddenly twist it with great speed and force until we heard your neck snap.

* It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
these are a few of the better ones!!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Skiing Trip…

The Skiing Trip…

Bob decided to go skiing with his buddy, Jack. So they loaded up Bob's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'; she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Bob said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Bob got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Jack and asked, 'Jack, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.', said Jack

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,', Jack said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Jack's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

And you thought the ending would be different!

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I had acupuncture, and it was a huge clearing, I slept most of yesterday.
I am kind blah...

I have to get the cameras dropped off this week to develop.

then I have to sit down and write about my adventure and the next ones that I am planning.
I have caught the adventure bug, some how.

this should prove interesting, I may be a world traveller yet!

love ya all!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Animal Drama Queens

What Will You Ladies Do in This Situation ?

For those of you who are experts in driving. here's a Traffic Question

Most women will get this right

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted,
And you come upon a bicycle rider.

Do you:

(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or

(b) Do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

Scroll down...



Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!! This is good to know!!

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....
Just thought you'd like to know.

OK, I'll be going to my room now.

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.


Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...... M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


welcome to....

Night Writer, as my newest follower I welcome you to my lovely blog!
I hope you enjoy your stay!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I'm back

I had a blast. I am so tired.
pictures will have to be developed, as I could not find my digital camera.
I am sore and glad to be home.
to give you an idea, we drove almost 600 miles in 7 days, saw a brown bear, (sorry no pictures) and drove 2 1/2 miles through a mountain twice,( there was a tunnel to get to a city thru a mountain)
love ya all!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


I'm off see ya all later!