Tuesday, April 26, 2011

well all hell has broken loose the last couple of days and now it is quiet except for the music from my computer and the sounds of spring clean up.

I am in a good spot right now. not much pain and I am feeling loved.

I have implemented some things that will help. the sign on my door. staying away from every one, and when they get near me letting them to know to be slow and cool with me or all hell will break loose.

I don't have the attention span for my usual diversions. so I walk. or I do the computer thing. or hide under my heating blanket which is where I am off to after this.

I was cooking Easter before all hell broke loose. I just left all of the food. it is sitting in the fridge, and can rot for all I care. I will have someone take care of it.

so it is not all bad, just painful.
love to all.

Monday, April 25, 2011

we will see...

if this post gets finished or not.

things went better than expected at Dr.
I am coming off of the meds to fast, and as a result I am very sick.

I am also trying to deal with all the energy and bullshit that less meds entail.

I am at the end of my rope here mentally. guys in the building are stomping my boundary's and pushing like hell cause everyone is acting badly.

the current sign on my door says: unless you have business with me(Shannon) get away from my door. if you look for J here I will call the police, ignore this at your own peril, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

I get to writing a post and all fuck breaks loose. so they sit and never get finished.

I can feel my body is starting in a flare period. what does that mean ? all I know is it will hurt, what else is new?

it always hurts. sometimes it is good, sometimes bad. always pain.
I am still losing weight, and I have a tan so I will post a picture soon when ever that is.

well so much for not losing my temper in the time it took to write this post.
if this post wasn't already dome it would have been shit canned like the dozen others, I have tired to write in the last month.

I am NOT okay here.
I need a vacation, If any one wants me I will be in my heating blanket sobbing.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Thursday, April 21, 2011


well it is the ass crack of dawn, no scratch that if you don't sleep it is night still? not at 815 am.
I have been sick all night, just one of those things and I am stressed to boot.
I see dr fucktard in over an hour.
well it should be interesting.
well wish me luck I will need it, as the damn dr is an idiot.
would he treat someone he loves like this? I think not.
I don't want him to love me just not be a total asshole and try to kill me.
I am going to ask him "what were you thinking doing what you have done?"
what do you mean? the ultram. if he gives me the drug seeking behaviour talk, I am getting up and walking out
drug. seeking. behaviour.
yeah that why I am puking everyday for the last 7 months coming off these damn meds.
I don't know weather to laugh or cry. god help me if I start doing both.
I am primed for a major melt down, I have to be really careful.
wish me well I will need it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Okay, fine...

I have been sick, what else is new?
meds or the flu that is going around? no both.
I have been up and around. my choices?
stay in bed while I am sick? I would never leave the house.
currently I am running a mild fever, puking and the like.
I figure that if I am going to be miserable I might as well make the most of it.
for the 1/2 an hour that I was out I was walking the block. this is where someone takes me and "Mister walker" my walker on a drag. anything faster than the super slow speed I go is dragging. but a block in half an hour is not bad, well not for me. I wasn't even moving this time last year.
so I am in the middle of week 2 of going down on the elavil. down to 50mgs at night. well next week I am going down again 25mgs, I will just cut the 50mg tabs in 1/2.
either I will get really sick or it will be okay. (I am planning on both)
so off to PCP that I have not seen since July of last year.
god do I feel like pressed puppy shit.
Yippy skippy!
I am trying to get water down so my migraine will go away. if I can keep the water down, hang on a sec I have to go get a puke pill! I don't ever think that I will give up puke pills. they are my one saving grace. I got the kind that dissolve under your tongue, with the watermelon taste of death. then they give you an intense headache right in the front of your head. it has to be the nutrasweet in them, yes they put neurotoxins in my puke pills! nice huh?
well a choice between tearing up what throat I have left, or aspartame. I pick the poison.
try puking every day multiple times a day for years... nice huh?
I have to leave the house at the ass crack of dawn, well for me 9am. to go see the PCP.
I will need puke pills for that, I will get to the car and barf everywhere.
not like I have eaten anything today. didn't even get my smoothie today. which is made from cold pressed hemp protein powder, juice and sometimes oat or hazel nut milk, or fruit(if I have any) and sometimes Greek yoghurt. one must do what one must do yo get the protein in, that my body will accept. and if it comes back up, it is already blended so no hassles there.
do you hate when you get the hot pricklies? I do. usually this time of day I am under my heating blanket for say 4 or so hours. I sleep when I can. well not during the day at least I have a huge issue with that, for me. I sleep at night or not at all.
the PCP I see tomorrow brought up something, that one of his esteemed colleagues brought up last time see here:
my question is this:
they knew what meds I was on when the put me on the ultram, and kept subscribing it to me knowing this. why? if it could kill me at the doses I was taking then why did they keep giving it to me?
not like it was working any ways.
these drugs even though I need some of them are poison, pure and simple.
well the last specialist I saw is going to write me a letter to accompany the referral to the rheumatologist. they are far and few between up here that will take my government sponsored health care, actually there is only one up here, most have to fly to Washington state to get help.
so he said he would do this because I don't have drug seeking behaviour. I told him that if I have to do the pain clinic thing I am dead. My drug of choice was heroin. So they want to put me on fentanyl. nice can you say I will die if I go on them? they are the last line.
so what does this mean? I am fucked and not in a good way. well it feels like it.
so I go see PCP (there are so many other names that I have been calling him in my head all during this and none are nice) so I am not happy.
and it just keeps going.
do you ever feel like it is all too much? well right now it is. I have to go and get my meds down me. this was supposed to help and now I am all riled.
Okay, fine!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

just a note!

I have had some back to back good days out in springtime land. all that stops tonight.
my next med decrease just started when I took my nightly meds. I will be puking by Thursday.
Illness is bad even when you plan for it. I hurt and I am exhausted. it will get worse before it gets better. that is okay cause it is the way it has to be.
so when I have better finger control I will type more love to all!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Guess what?

it is snowing...
okay now that we have the swearing out of the way I hope.
Fuck, nope I just looked out side again. I am off to get picture of this bullshit. will be back later with them.
what happened to breakup?
it is melting, it is intermittent snow~!
forget spring... just let most of the snow melt, and get a good rain to wash the ugly dirt away.
at least it looks kinda clean out there but not for long. it was bad enough that someone had top go do snow removal.


Snow...diminishing this afternoon. Snow accumulation 2 to 4 inches. Highs in the mid to upper 30s. South wind 10 to 20 mph. Along Turnagain Arm and higher elevations...southeast wind 15 to 30 mph becoming light by midday.

Snow showers. Additional snow accumulation 1 to 3 inches. Lows in the 20s. Light winds becoming north 10 to 15 mph after midnight.
I feel like a train hit me, but nothing new is it.
I get cold spells where I am absolutely freezing and others where I am melting, dying of heat.
last night it was hot, so the ice packs came out, and today also.
I was able to cook breakfast with 4 peoples help, and of course they got fed.
eggs-country scrambled, so that they whites and yolks are separate.
potatoes with peppers and onions and porks sausage. some pork brown and serve links, and grits.
I would be a vegetarian, except for pork and cheese.
we all sat around for 2 hours and talked while I was cooking, and we ate at our leisure. snow got removed and food was plentiful. it is nice to live in such a community with like minded people.
I have great room-mates. one of my room-mates got a date shipment, from the lower 48. he has friends that own an organic date farm, and OH MY GOODNESS the dates were delicious.
I brought out the brownies I made. boy did they go quick I made 5 pans, Saturday.
but of course they guys around here live on take-out pizza, deli food and cans of crap.
so when something resembling a home cooked meal appears, they go wild.
as all of them are bachelors, except for J. so that says it there. well at least for the guys I live with.
I know the men who read my blog might take offence at my generalization but it is what it is.
I have seen some of what passes for food for them. most of them have the pizza joints are on speed dial LOL!
I have actually had to tell a few of them "you can't cook in the kitchen" it is a war zone with the smoke alarms going off. and the smell takes forever to get out of the building.
they are a bunch of little boys in grown up bodies.
one of them said they used the oven yesterday and could still smell the brownies that I made Saturday.
I make the most of the 2 kitchens here.
so that is today. all of energy is gone. I am going to go lay down and try to get my internal temp to match the rest of the world and I hope to get a shower tonight. but that is a wait and see kinda of thing, depending on others kind of thing. made a bunch of dr's appts for this month, and I am even more mad at the dr's than I was.
I don't want to see anyone other than the rheumatologist. but I have to see PCP and get him to write my prescriptions right. they still think I am taking 3 baclofen a day and I am all but off it. no point paying for medication I am not using. time to go down the elavil, the puking all the time has stopped, and I am smelling burning every where I go. it is not a pleasant smell to hallucinate. I am going to have to have my rings resized, I keep switching for bigger fingers. I have lost that much weight. I figure near 100 lbs now. I will see when I get weighted next and that will be Thursday, when I see my psych provider. the weight is really noticeable now. so taht is my world today folks. here is something I dug up from 1981. from "The Secret Policeman's Other Ball" I first saw this on video in 1984 it has stuck with me as my favorite version of the song!

Monday, April 4, 2011

love and politics

about the size of it...

Sunday, April 3, 2011

so i am sitting here

had a big day of nothing. haven't even left my room. I am hiding.
I want a shower, I don't have the energy for a shower. and I have to have help.
CT was sick last week and I think I have it. the flu pains are telling me so.
I managed to get all of my meds down today, and I was able to eat a small salad.
Oh and I had SUGAR!!!! I was going 1 billion miles an hour. now I have lack of attention span and run over feelings. blah meh...
so now I am trying to decide what I will do. it will involve my bed, potty and a book if my eyes will focus, if not I will try to sleep.
the shower is not a good idea as I still have food in my stomach, and unless I want to clean it out of the shower... yeah right. it takes even longer.
blah is good. it keeps me out of trouble.
so here is hoping everyone has a good night, including me.
love to all.

Check for Alzheimer's

You have a better chance of getting it right if you read slowly
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can
read each line aloud without a mistake..
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6 This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

Irate Irene

that is what they called my grandmother.
she was always grandmother to me.
she used to call my father chicken legs.
and the fight would begin.
when I was little, my grandparents took care of us while my mother would work.
my parents divorced when I was 7.
So instead of getting stuck taking a nap with grandfather(which was horrid in ways I can't even begin to explain) I would hide against my grandmother.
she would be drunk, my grandmother was Irish.
she would drink to the point that she would have blackout binges for weeks.
her binges were famous.
and it was plain that she was hurting, and stuck.
she was only a woman after all.
women mean nothing unless they produce male children.
it was a very chauvinistic house hold. my grandfather held the funds. so when he died she was at a loss cause she didn't even know how to balance a check book.
she and I would talk of a time when we would leave the family, it was a secret, our secret.
we would run away, and she and I would live together. away from all of the family. and we would be able to live our lives as they should be lived.
she would cry and I would hold her, she was such a pitiful mess. drunk all over herself, crying. and wishing for anything other than the life she led.
it was our secret. the ties that bind. it made us cohorts.
she was the only one who ever loved me. not my parents and the rest. I was a burden who had yet to full fill her potential.
the only thing lower than a woman, was a woman with out children, she might as well kill herself! god forbid she wasn't doing her duty to a man and providing children. she was a waste of space and resources. better off dead...
My mother took away my ability to carry children.
thank whatever that I didn't have any. they would have been as screwed up as I was.
she was not an easy person. every thing was a fight with her.
I grew up and away. My grandfather died.
he was only human in in last years cause they basically castrated him due to cancer.
so she was alone, with all of her money, cause it was hers now.
so my youngest uncle kills himself in the downstairs of her house. almost exactly a year before she died. this happened in November of 1993. she was dead the next year.
she had been sick awhile. it was cancer.
she died in November of 1994.
after my uncle died, I spent almost 2 months with her, alone.
it was what we had dreamed of all of my life. it was the hardest and best 2 months of my life up to that point. My grandmother was the love of my life, the only person that loved me.
the love was sick, but it was better than nothing else I had. then she kicked me out of her life.
she told me that she was sick. well I knew that I was cleaning up after her. she sat me down and we had a talk, well she talked and I listened. she said that she probably would be dead by the end of the year and that she was sure it was cancer, it was.
she also told me that she didn't want me to remember her as and invalid.
and she sent me away.
I raged against her, and she would not give.
after 6 months and her surgery had passed she finally relented.
it was the last time I would ever see her alive.
she was thin. she never weighted over 100 except when she was pregnant.
she was starving herself to death, not by choice. the cancer was all over by that point, she was in diapers and hooked up to a morphine drip.
she was dying, by inches, one second at a time. she told me she loved me and that I had to go and never come back.
that is when something inside me started to die. the rest of me went the day she died in November of 1994. I would call every day as I had for almost 9 months, hoping to be told to fuck off. there was no answer. I knew she was dead.
my life as I knew it was over. the only person who had ever loved me was dead. my best friend was gone, my partner in crime.
I turned to drugs, I was a whore to pay for my habit.
it didn't matter my life was over.
so many years later when I woke up from the coma that my last overdose put me in, I was angry. I was sick of the life I had. all of these things contributed to my life as it is today.
a better life, one never dreamed possible.
I am in pain, and you know what, so what?
we have our defining moments in life. we all have our pain.
I actually have people who love me. who ever thought that I would have love?
not me, ever. I was damaged. I could never get my parents to love me.
what was so wrong with me?
nothing, it was never me. it was them, some defect in them, there failure of me.
such a small being I was. all I did was be born to defective, deficient people.
that is just what it was, and the way they are.
I decided I was better than that, that I deserved to be loved and I didn't have to settle for assholes.
so I had to stop being an asshole.
I found things in myself to love, which was really hard.
after all of the shit that I was taught to believe, it was almost impossible.
but not quite.
and I found people that love me. My stars that was something that I just could not believe.
today lots of people love me, and I take it quite for granted.
why would they not love me?
I am adorable, and fun and all kinds of other neat things.
I am still a terror, and I get moody and sometimes (well allot) I am in pain. you know what? I have always been in allot of pain of some sort.
I would not trade today for anything.
I am happy, although you would never know it by my posts.
sometimes this is a hard place to be.
this is my life, more than I would of ever hoped for.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

the fairy princess and the porn star!

needless to say I am in a far better mood than I was yesterday, lets see how long it lasts.
since I am going off meds that are psychotropic they effect my brain chemicals.
I was drawn into myself last night. J got me out of it, as I no longer depend on them to regulate my moods. I have to be self regulating. which when you are learning how to be for the first time in your life it really hard. I know that this place has been a downer lately, but this is my life.
so what does the title have to do with anything?
I am the fairy princess. J has the 1970's porn star look.
he shaved his head and shaved his beard and left his moustache. he looks like a porn star. we got to giggling so hard it was hilarious. he was fine with it as long as he isn't the fairy porn star.
I don't think he could deal with the wings.
did you know that I have fairy wings?
I can't get through the door when I wear then.
then we have the magic wand/large knife drawer. it fits my chef knives and magic wands.
perfectly normal huh?
well I started this post 8 hours ago.
my right eye feels like it exploded.
I finally got a shower with help. so now it is a job to get under my heating blanket.
It is very hard to continue to write so I will be back later with another post.
love to all!

Friday, April 1, 2011

well gee..

I am in a pissy mood. I feel like I am in a cage.
this room I live in is a cage, well it sure feels like it right now.
I just watched "I spit on your grave". if you are not up for torture then I don't suggest it.
if you want to see some shit bags get what they have coming then it is awesome.
it is about a woman who is raped repeatedly and gets back at her 5 attackers.
she brutally kills all of then not before she tortures them all to death.
every rape victim has these fantasies, killing their attacker(s).
God know I have had them.
from the time I could read I have had them.
hurting the way I was hurt, taking them out of the equation permanently.
So they could never do it again to me.
well lets just say that maybe the movie was not such a great idea.
cause now I want some one to bleed for what has been done to me.
it isn't going to happen, cause I don't have that luxury.
why can't someone else who deserves it hurt?
because that is not the way the world works.
no I get to keep all the pain...
I have some thinking to do.