Monday, February 28, 2011

TMI time.

if you are squeamish, then best not to read this one.

My mother has given me gifts.
some, very few were of use.
mostly they have hurt me.
this is my mothers legacy to me.

last night I was at Zanna's. I went to the bathroom, and I was bleeding. looked like it was coming from my bladder. I panicked. my kidneys were bleeding. PANIC sets in.
I started feeling worse. I was scared and feeding in to it.
I have to go to the DR. I don't want to. I hate all of my DR's.

So I let Zanna know what happened. she knows me well enough.
she told me to challenge that belief. find things to validate my symptoms.
I was going poop allot yesterday. much more than usual. emotions off the scaled. cramps. the blood was dark. it is inconsistent, some times blood sometimes not.
I am almost 41. the change of life is coming.
it was my period, the one I am not supposed to have, cause I had the surgery where they burned my lining away. it has grown back, it happens in a small percentage.
it is light and small, but it makes my bladder hurt like hell. and with my bowels going crazy, everything hurts from the waste down.
so I found things that were happening to back up my symptoms.
the Hypochondriac in me freaks out.
that is one of the gifts that my mother have given me, hysteria, panic and sheer terror,
making a mountain out of a molehill.
these are the things that my mother left me with.
every time I breath wrong, I have to got to the Dr.
well not so much any more, I haven't been to the ER in 4 months.
I am pissed cause I saw the Dr last month, and they want to see me again.
why? nothing they do will help.
I am going off of all the meds I can. with or with out there help.
the Dr thinks that if he cuts off my prescriptions, I will come running.
well Thursday I am going to see the Dr. fucken asshole.
piece of shit pusbag.
I won't even see my Dr. he is in the bush doing training. I get another new asshole.
just like last month. she was a stupid bitch.
she could not even type and talk at the same time.
she gave J 21 days of amoxicillian. it ripped him apart and almost put him in the hospital.
he is just starting to get well. where he can do the stairs with out falling down them.
they are all useless pieces of shit.
what ever happened to do no harm?
I have to get off of those meds, and away from the fucken butchers.
My mother instilled in me that Dr are your friends, that I can't trust my own judgement.
Bullshit. I am in this body.

Thursday will be grand. this guy has never met me. and I am pissed. and he is going to get it with both barrels.
he is going to tell me that I am on too many meds. Ya think? asshole.
he won't even read my file. he will just give me hell about everything.
I don't have to validate this. this is how these Dr's are.
they would kill me if I let them.
look what they have done in my best interest.

I am angry. way too much for my own good.
I will pay for being angry. it makes my pain levels through the roof.
I have had it. time to calm down before I do something really stupid.
not a nice post, huh?
I am not in nice place. but getting it out is far better than keeping it in.
I am frustrated and in a place where I need help. I need a decent Dr.
one that won't fight me every time I turn around.
one that won't threaten me. help me do what I need to do to live.
Good luck, HUH?
what am I supposed to do now?
I will keep going and try to find what I need.
what else can I do?
right now I have no answers and allot of anger.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

dear diary!

that is funny. cause that is what this has turned into.
where I can put my thoughts and deal with things in there own time.
I am really stressed out right now.
things going on in daily life, and people that suck.
it will work it's self out, always does.

How many people have to end up getting hurt by others?

well I am off for a book and a nap.
later I will go to the gym and swim.
did you know how much I love water?

my mother did do a few good things for me. she taught me how to swim.
she just threw me in the water, either I was going to drown, or learn to swim.
fortunately I float like an otter.
it is a natural thing for me.
while showers are traumatic, and so are baths. swimming is okay.
ALWAYS wear goggles. the minute I hit the wet room they go on and stay there the whole time until I am dressed and safe.
goggles are my armour. goggles allow me to take a shower with out puking.
too many bad experiences in the shower and in baths. boy was my mother creative in her torture methods.
I am like a big aquatic mammal. dangerous on land, deadly in the water.
I have been teaching myself to do an Olympic turns.
you are in a breast stroke, you come to the lane end and you dive under and turn your self around and kick off the end of the pool and go right back into breast stroke.
I get it turned around but it works.
that is the other thing that I have to thanks my mother for.
she figured out that I was dyslexic at 2 years old.
she had me in slinger-land training at 3.
it retrains the brain.
so those are some of the gifts she gave me.
I will go into further gifts, in future posts.
maybe TMI time, so read at your own risk.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


finally after 2 days I was able to sleep.
I am awake. I think. yeah, I am. I hurt, so I must be awake.
feeling better. CT took me around yesterday, after I wore J out.
went to Zanna's house, and lost it.
I Started hysterical laughing/crying. and could not stop.
it is something that I have started doing, well I did it before for time to time but not like this. this is something that started happening after I saw the acupuncturist this summer, he hit something and it was like the flood gates opened.
twice this month I have done this. well it is Fucken February.
still going off of medication, and losing weight.
YEAH for me!
I think it is how I am preventing rapid mood swings.
I am doing this, and I am getting a weeks, or month worth of emotions out at once.
so my over all moods are better.

So other than embarrassment, of completely losing it. I am fine.

Friday, February 25, 2011

being awake at odd hours...

well here it is not even the butt crack of dawn, no that is at least 5 hours off. it is past midnight in the in-between. the dark time. time when I can't sleep. I hate it because It means I will sleep into the after noon tomorrow.
it is impossible with medication decreasing, pain, and being sick to try to regulate my sleep schedule. I was dead to the world most of the day.
the night before CT and I went to the used book store (AAAAGH) I got out of there for $40. everything looks good in there. I love paper books, the way they feel and smell. have you smelled your books lately? I love how old books smell. then we went out to dinner. Pan-Asian cuisine. in the form of all you can eat. I got one plate of food, I couldn't finish it, so CT did for me. we like the same stuff and he loves to eat more than I do.
not like what I have is contagious, just painful.

did you know that I used to shoot Heroin? and other things.
well it caused my kidneys to fail. now I have Kidney disease.

"Glomerulonephritis, also known as glomerular nephritis, abbreviated GN, is a renal disease (usually of both kidneys) characterized by inflammation of the glomeruli, or small blood vessels in the kidneys.[1] It may present with isolated hematuria and/or proteinuria (blood or protein in the urine); or as a nephrotic syndrome, a nephritic syndrome, acute renal failure, or chronic renal failure. They are categorised into several different pathological patterns, which are broadly grouped into non-proliferative or proliferative types. Diagnosing the pattern of GN is important because the outcome and treatment differs in different types. Primary causes are ones which are intrinsic to the kidney, whilst secondary causes are associated with certain infections (bacterial, viral or parasitic pathogens), drugs, systemic disorders (SLE, vasculitis) or diabetes." from Wikipedia.

the key word in that paragraph is "Inflammation". well to find out that my bladder is following the same course, except for one small thing. My immune system thinks that my bladder is an invading enemy.
this kind of thing is known as an auto immune disorder.
it isn't contagious, but it is very painful.
then on top of that my nerves miss fire, in my face head neck and shoulders.
along with other pain and depression, it just pisses me off.

the poisons that I put into my body. ME, I.
I did this to myself.
I am the reason that I am in pain.
I shot drugs and took things that caused it, the failure of my body.
as time goes on more shows up.
I lost it when my grandmother died in 1994. I was 24 years old. I wanted to die with her. she was at that point the only person that loved me, she was as sick and twisted as the rest. she loved me.
after that I fell into a pit of despair that I almost didn't make it out of. it took me 11 years to pull out of it, that left me at 35 years old. I was a train-wreck, still am.
half a dozen years later. here I am.
My body is so beaten up and in so much pain that I just want it to stop.
it won't, as long as I am alive.

So I am getting off of my medications. next week starts the tapering of my trazadone. If I can't sleep now, how will I do it when I don't have the drugs to sedate me? while it is an antidepressant it is also an effective sleeping pill.
this is getting scary here.
I sleep on the average of 13 hours a night. this I know by my C-pap machine, it has a smart card in it that tells them those kind of things. it takes great measures to get me to sleep. and once there it take 13 hours for the stuff to work it's self off. I am a night mare in the morning.
bad dreams and pain are the first things that greet me. then it is a race to get my pain under control. then there is the nausea, and the vomiting. I have to keep it together until my stomach calms down or turns it's self inside out. never know.
Oh and I don't know how the day is going to go until I get up and see how bad it is. IT? the pain and everything else that goes with it.
I have trouble making appts.
most places make you give 24 hours notice then they ding ya if you don't get it. after 3 of those they then drop my ass. that is what happened to physical therapy, I could not make it. too many sick days. I understand, they don't.
most of my Dr's are that way. they still treat me if I was a junkie. yeah...
I have to get a hair cut. I currently have a Mohawk. my hair is too long and it hurts my head. having them shave my head is easier, it hurts, but what doesn't? sometimes, no all the time when my face gets going, my hair feels like it is on fire.
hang on bathroom break and water time. I will be up all night pissing. the water I have to drink is a miserable amount. and when it hurts to pee you don't want to drink. not drinking makes it worse. I have to dilute what is in my bladder.

Well aren't I lovely this fine twilight?
I look like I have been crying (which I have been) I look tired and in pain, much thinner, still unhappy all around.
trips to the abusement park, are taking there toll.
don't mind me I am trying to make myself tired enough to go to sleep. I yawned so that's good.
my bladder isn't as elastic as it was, what does that mean?
I know I have to go to the bathroom, cause I am going already. was that TMI? like I care. don't like it? don't read!
bear with me I am blowing off steam.
So this is my life as I know it.
I will do nothing productive tomorrow, as it will be lost to sleep.
well at least I have good books to read. only problem with that is I forget what was in the book.
I read one and don't realize until half way through that I have already read it. which is fine, it saves on books.
My meds finally kicked in. I will go lay down and try to sleep.
see ya all on the flip side!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Understand Someone With Chronic Pain - wikiHow

Understand Someone With Chronic Pain - wikiHow

How to Understand Someone With Chronic Pain

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed.
In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand: These are some things that can help you to understand, and help, people who suffer from, often debilitating, chronic pain.


  1. Remember that being sick doesn't mean that the sufferer is no longer a human being. Often the chronic pain sufferer spends most of their day in considerable pain and exhaustion. If you visit or live with them, they may not seem like much fun to be with, but they are still as aware as you of everything and have needs just like you, but they're more or less stuck inside a body with constant issues over which they have little or no control. Just like you, they still worry about studies, work, family, friends, and most of the time, would like to hear you talk about your interests and happenings, too.
  2. Learn the code. Chronic pain sufferers will often talk differently from people free from constant pain. Living with fatigue, irritability, and sadness at their plight, many sufferers learn to bottle up their feelings and use code to cover up the level of pain.[1] There's also a number scale for pain that doctors teach chronic pain patients early in their treatment. By habit, they may describe their pain on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is "no pain at all, feel wonderful" and 10 is the worst pain they ever had in their life. Their pain level ten may be outside your experience, it depends on what you've been through in life.
    • Don't assume that just because the chronic pain sufferer grits their teeth and says that they're fine that they are. They could very well be covering up, fed up with the lack of understanding in others as to the constancy of their pain.
    • Accept that words may be inadequate to describe how the sufferer is truly feeling. Think about a time when you experienced pain, like a broken leg, or a very nasty virus that pounded at your head and every muscle in your body. And multiply that and think of it being constant, every day, without respite. It's hard to find the words for that sort of pain.

  3. Recognize the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, but chronic pain sufferers have often been sick for years and their pain-filled lives have caused them to adopt coping mechanisms that are not necessarily reflecting the real level of pain they're in. They don't want to be miserable all the time but they often have to work hard at not being miserable. So, if you're talking to them, and they sound happy, it means they are happy, that's all. It doesn't mean that they're not in a lot of pain, or that they're not extremely tired, or that they're getting better, and so forth.
    • Respect that the person who is in pain is trying their best. Avoid saying, "Oh, you're sounding better!" or "But you look so healthy!" They are merely coping; sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, it's certainly welcomed.
    • Look for the signs of pain over the words, so that you can read between the lines. Things that will belie the chipper attitude include restlessness, shifting about, grimacing when they think you're not noticing, sweating, sleep disturbance, teeth grinding, poor concentration, decreased activity, and perhaps even writing down suicidal thoughts or language.[2]

  4. Listen. The previous two steps made it clear that chronic pain sufferers can speak in code or make lighter of their pain than is the reality. The next best thing that you can do is to listen to them properly, and to make it clear that you both want to hear what they have to say and that you really have heard it. Use your listening skills to decode what they're hiding or minimizing.

  5. Understand and respect the chronic pain sufferer's physical limitations. Being able to stand up for ten minutes doesn't necessarily mean that the sufferer can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour, or give you a repeat performance whenever. Just because the person managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn't imply that will be able to do the same today. With a lot of diseases, a person may exhibit obvious signs of immobility, such as paralysis, or total immobilization due to weakness, etc. With chronic pain however, it is confusing to both the sufferer and the onlooker, and their ability to cope with movement can be like a yo-yo. The sufferer may not know, from day-to-day, how they are going to feel when they wake up and each day has to be taken as it comes. In many cases, they don't know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.
    • Insert "sitting", "walking", "thinking", "concentrating", "being sociable" and so on, to this step, as the curtailment on a sufferer's ability to be responsive applies to everything that you'd expect a person in good health to be able to do. That's what chronic pain does to its sufferers.

  6. Leave your "pep talk" mode for your kids and your gym buddies. Realizing that chronic pain is variable, keep in mind that pep talk can be aggravating and demoralizing for the chronic pain sufferer. As already noted, it's quite possible (for many, it's common) that one day they're able to walk to the park and back, while the next day they'll have trouble getting to the next room. Therefore, it's vital that you don't fall into the trap of saying: "But you did it before!" or "Oh, come on, I know you can do this!" If you want them to do something, then ask if they can and respect their answer.
    • Get over the need to give platitudes about the value of exercising and fresh air. For a chronic pain sufferer, "getting out and doing things" does not make the pain vanish and can often exacerbate the problems. Bear in mind that you don't know what they go through or how they suffer in their own private time. Telling them that they need to exercise, or do some things to "get their mind off of it", may frustrate them to tears, and is not correct advice, especially if you're not medically trained and haven't got a clue. If they were capable of doing some things any or all of the time, they would.
    • Remember that chronic pain sufferers are constantly working with doctors and striving to improve and do the right things for their illness. Another statement that hurts is, "You just need to push yourself more, try harder". Obviously, chronic pain can deal with the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain; not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can't always read it on their face or in their body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.

  7. Never use throwaway lines. Assuming you know best by making such statements as "Ah well, that's life, you'll just have to deal with it", or "You'll get over it eventually. Until then, you'll just have to do your best", or worst of all, "Well, you look well enough", etc., are lines that might make you feel done and dusted with the topic but they are both a form of distancing yourself from the person and making the sufferer feel worse and out of hope.[3] Psychologist Mark Grant suggests that you throw lifelines rather than throwaway lines, by saying something like: "So how have you survived?"[4]
    • Admit it when you don't have answers. Don't paper over your ignorance with platitudes or bold allegations not based on fact. There is no harm in saying "I don't know" and then offering to find things out.

  8. Check your own patience. If you're impatient and want them to "just get on with it", you risk laying a guilt trip on the person who is suffering from pain and undermining their determination to cope. They probably have the will to comply with your requests to go out and about with them but have neither the strength nor the coping capacity as a result of the pain.
    • A chronic pain sufferer may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able, please try to always remember how very lucky you are, to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.
    • Be very understanding if the chronic pain sufferer says they have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills right now. It probably means that they do have no choice but to do it right now, and it can't be put off or forgotten just because they happen to be somewhere, or they're right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.

  9. Be sensitive when suggesting medicines or alternative treaments. Prescription drugs, over-the-counter medicines and alternative therapies can have side effects and unintended consequences. Some may not appreciate suggestions, and it's not because they don't want to get well. They may have heard of it or tried it already or some may not be ready to cope with new treatment that can create an additional burden on their already over-burdened lives. Treatments that haven't worked carry the emotional pain of failure, which in and of itself can make the person feel even lower. Of course, if there were something that cured, or even helped people with a particular form of chronic pain, then they should be made aware of it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. Those can be good resources. Be sensitive in how you bring it up.

    • On the other hand, never be afraid to ask them about how satisfied they are with their treatment. Mark Grant says that it is important to ask helpful questions about whether the chronic sufferer thinks their treatment is satisfactory or if they think their pain is bearable.[5] He suggests that people rarely ask these open-ended "helpful questions" that would help the chronic sufferer to open up and really talk.

  10. Don't be put off if the chronic pain sufferer seems touchy. If that's the appearance, it's probably because they are. It's not how they try to be. As a matter of fact, they try very hard to be normal. Just try to understand. They have been going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, they do their best to cope with this, and live their lives to the best of their ability. Just accept them as they are.
  11. Be helpful. The chronic pain sufferer depends a great deal on people who are not sick to support them at home or visit them when they're too sick to go out. Sometimes they need help with shopping, cooking, or cleaning. Others may need help with their kids. They may need help getting to the doctor, or to the store. You can be their link to the "normalcy" of life. You can help them keep in touch with the parts of life that they miss and desperately want to undertake again.
  12. Balance your carer responsibilities. If you are living with a chronic pain sufferer or supporting such a person on a regular basis, you need to maintain balance in your life. If you don't take care of your own needs, health, and work-life balance, being around the chronic pain sufferer can bring you down even though you're probably trying hard not to be. Avoid suffering from carer burn-out by getting other people to help, taking time out, and curtailing your guilt trips. Care for this person as much as you're able but also care for yourself.


One example of how chronic pain sufferers feel and cope.


  • Pain is a difficult thing to describe to another person. It is felt personally and it is based in both psychological and physical parts of us. The best thing you can do is to never assume that you know how it feels for that person. Sure, you know how it feels for you but each of us is different and it's impossible to get right inside a person's skin and feel their pain.


  • Depression causes people to show less emotion, which can in turn mask the pain because the sufferer ceases to make it known.[6] Always be on the look out for signs of depression and do not confuse this with there being any less pain.
  • Avoid being judgmental about drug use pursued by chronic pain sufferers. If medical marijuana improves their life, why debase that respite with moral uptightness?
  • Chronic pain suffers are not making it up and are not hypochondriacs.

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

  1. Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain,

  2. Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain,

  3. Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain,

  4. Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain,

  5. Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain,

  6. Mark Grant, Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Suffering from Chronic Pain,

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Understand Someone With Chronic Pain. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

hi John!

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”

stolen from Tempo on face book, thanks Kym!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

I have always loved this song!

this song is dedicated to the love of my life, ME!

And the stalker of the year goes to...

My ex crack head neighbor, who is still my neighbor for how long, we don't know.
he is in a seriously bad down ward spiral.
he isn't using to my knowledge, but he is till very sick.
first time someone does something wrong it is happen stance.
second time is coincidence.
third time is enemy action.
we are at three. two was this summer when I was trying to get him help and out of a hole that he and his drug use had put him in, first time was when he crossed my boundaries when he first moved in.
so what happened for three?
he is being sexually inappropriate with me.
he is fixated with me.
why? because I am nice to him. I worry if he is taking care of himself. he is old, diabetic, and takes piss poor care of himself. and now his sanity is slipping.
I have been around deranged people ALL of my life, bat shit crazy people.
so I know crazy when I see it.
aren't I a bitch when someone is being inappropriate and crossing my boundaries?
how else am I going to get through to him?
I'm not. he doesn't listen to me. he doesn't know me. I have told him until I am blue in the face and screaming at him. I have cried, I have had others talk with him. all to know avail.
This is my safe place. so I will do this here.
I am not a victim. I will not be sexually objectified.
I am a person and I will not be abused.
I will defend myself physically if I am threatened.
I will not start the fight but I will finish it.
I will not be raped again by someone who pretends to be my friend.

So what will happen? I have no idea I am not a mind reader.
I do know some things, cause, it is the way it is.
he is on unemployment, he told me that he will be extended for 2 years.
bull shit, then what? or that he will get his job back? they let you go so that you would have sometime to think about things. personally, you did NOT do what they asked or you would have your job. she is pissed you spent your raise on crack.
no place will hire you. you burn your bridges, badly.
there are other mitigating circumstances as to why you are unemployable.
Get help!
as long as you can pay your rent, and stay away from me you will live here.
minute you can't pay you rent you will leave, as that is the way it is with everyone.
no money = no place to live.
you will be back on the street and end up dying in jail.
I tried to tell you this a month ago when we all sat down and tried to reason with you. you weren't listening then and still aren't.
as to what you said to me on Wednesday in the kitchen, when you were doing a job for me." that everyone has to have someone and since I was taken, you were dealing with Lynn cause everyone has to have someone, and How I didn't understand you at all." you were trying to pick a fight with me, and I would not play. I would not argue with you. you got so pissed that you would not take lunch from me, that I offered cause I know you are not eating right and taking care of yourself.
then you sent me 2 emails. one where you did work, EVEN though I told you if it was NOT authorized by me, you would not be paid. You weren't, you volunteered. I am not paying you.
I had to have someone fix your half ass job. I paid them.
as to the weird "bones" lost love thing.
I am not interested in you in that way at all, never have been. it is all in your imagination, what ever you have built up between you and me, it DOES NOT EXIST.
I have J. I am marring him. how much more don't you get it?
I wanted to be your friend, I tried to be your friend. nothing more.
You are acting like a GIANT horses ass.
reality is a hard thing, and you are going to hit that soon.
I have come to terms with the fact that you will not be here much longer.
You will end up using, and die or go to jail. You don't take care of yourself.
I wish it was different and you would get you head out of your ass.
you show no signs of that and actually look like you are losing what mind you have left.

so this is how it will be. I am tired of others having to stand up to my problems.
you do not talk to me for the remainder of you stay here.
you will not call, email or in other way contact me.
I will not let you implode in your self destructive bull shit in my area.
you are on your own, and you have your actions to thank for that.
YOUR ACTIONS. or lack of them in all the wrong areas.
this is it, we are done.

My blog is now...

An Adult only site.
things are changing here. it will be rougher and far more painful.
if you decide to stop following me I understand.
this is a place for me.
read if you want, or don't.
comment. or don't. I really can't care.
I will miss you if you leave, but the change is for the better.
I love where it is going so hold on, and strap in if you are going to stick around.
no punches will be pulled, and no ground given,
I love you all.
I love me more.
Happy trails campers.

things I think about.

My father and mother are not bad people, at least most of the time, in my mind.

That changes often. I think about it, my father hates)hated?) me. he said it and he showed it. in every action and movement. and you know what the sad thing is? it had nothing to do with me.
I was just the one there. his failure. his. not mine.
I remind him of his failure to me. of me.
he knew, and he didn't do anything. I would call him and tell him what was happening. not his problem, he didn't care. did he? not that I saw. he would have food and clean clothes and an island in the storm, for it bit to steel us to go back to hell. but we would have to go to hell alone.
he said that he left my mother because he was drinking him self to death. not because he was going to, because he was. he saved himself, he left us with her, knowing what she was capable of.
I feel that this is where, his failure of me, came from.
he was a chicken shit coward, that ran. leaving 2 small children to fend for themselves with a paranoid schizo-affective mother who was into torturing us. me and my damn(ed) brother.

what were we supposed to do? I survived, and held on. him, I have no idea. he is but a stranger to me. as are all of my family, except my mother. I know her far to well.
we share her insanity, bad behaviour, and general self/world destructive traits.
hard things to recover from, actuality damn hard.
these are things that go through my mind.
it makes me angry. then I realise, what is the point?
it is what it is.
nothing else.
it doesn't mean much in the scheme of things, really.
everyone has problems. everyone of us.
change is a hard thing, necessary. if you touch the hot burner you learn to test it first. what if testing it is not an true reading of what it really is? it feels cold but it scalds and blisters you. that is what it was like to live with my mother. you knew her, knew what she was capable of.... but it never helped. not once did it prepare you for the horror of what she was doing.
I was always scared, hungry and in pain, believing that someone would rescue me from this. that this wasn't what life was. then I learned that no one cared.
that I am a liar.
I had made up the scars and injuries, and such. look in my medical records, I am pathological in my lying. I had injuries, but people don't do that especially mothers.
"mothers don't do that to there daughters." "there is damage, what did your Father do to you?"
fathers do it, but mothers don't?
yeah. right. My father beats and ignores me when I tell him what SHE is doing.
so it must be okay... Until I was sure she was going to kill me, if I stayed any longer.
I ran trying to get people to listen to me. they couldn't ignore me any longer, I was 13 years old. So in my stupidity I thought that they would believe me because they are listening.
and when they would not help me, I screamed all the louder. so they put me on thorazine.
do you know what thorazine is boys and girls?
in prison and other such places they call it liquid handcuffs, and the thorazine shuffle.
it literally feels like walk through water with weights on fully clothed.
who put me on thorazine? My practising alcoholic psychiatrist.
she would reward me with lunch or getting my nails done, or going for a drive along the coast.
I did not know that she was drunk while treating me. she told me as part of her 4th step years later. she got clean. I didn't, she was still prescribing meds to me.
*I'm sorry I was drunk while I was treating you when you were a teenager."
I loved this woman at one point. she was helping me. she would pay attention to me, she would give me the drugs that I needed not to feel anything. legally prescribed psychotropics.
and so started my fascination with drugs.
I have been a drug addict since right before my 15th b day. February of 1985.
Band Aid, was the concert of the summer. I watched it in the day room of one of the local psychiatric facility. I spent over half a year in there that year.
let me clarify the drug addict thing. I take prescription medication as given to me by psychiatrists and quacks (they are all quacks)
if I drove I would be impaired driving. lets get in the car and take out a city block!
I don't drive. and ya know what? they would let me. as a matter of fact in order to get a car insured. I have to have a licence. a drivers licence.
seriously. I can't even fathom it. I can barely walk sometimes.
Oh and speaking of psychiatrists, I saw mine yesterday. my memory lapses, are from the Elavil that my urologist is giving me for bladder pain. they started the time that I had been on the new dose for 6 weeks.
six weeks is the golden number in medication adjustment. I was giving myself six weeks to recover from medication adjustments. as I said last post we are going down again on meds.
why can't I just go off the elavil? nope, wrong Dr.
need to make appt with that Dr, even though I swore I would never go back and see him.
Is it any reason, I don't trust these fuckers? (rhetorical question)
so where is all of this going? glad you asked!
I was able to break the 450lbs barrier. I have not been under 450 lbs for many years. 4 actually. after being attacked and the car accident. I gave up. I had a major break last October. it was too much. I didn't want to do this any more. fortunately I have safety nets in place and they caught me. and held me until I could get moving it took over a month for me to get moving. when I did the weight started to come off. keep in mind I had reached 512 lbs. not my highest but bad all the same. it was painful. try strapping 300+lbs to you and moving. well 70 (WHOO HOO!!!)lbs later I an 442lbs. I have 250+lbs to still lose. it will come off.
My change of mind set has had allot to do with the marriage proposal. what I mean by that, is my mind set changed his mind. I had progressed far enough, to know what I was doing, who I am and who I am marring, and why. he had to grow up and so did I.
I feel about J the way I have never felt about anyone, ever.
it is not a happy ending, but a beginning. for both of us.
this is what I try to think of when I think, of how lucky I am. I am loved by all that matter for the first time in my life. I am finally good enough, for me.
I am okay. I even like who I am, well most of the time when I stop trying to be my mother to me.
it is enough, and I can live with that, actually live for the first time in 40 years.
it may change tomorrow but I am okay with that.
what other choice do I have?
none that I can see that are realistic.
life on life's terms...
this blog is now a journal for me. more do than it has ever been.
everything is changing and so will this blog.
read, don't read. be fair warned. some of it will be ugly.
it is what it is.

Friday, February 18, 2011

look what today brought!

I got up bright and early and went to the crazy place. the crazy place is where I get therapy and meds, cause everyone Is wHaCkO!!!
well they weighted me and another 16 lbs gone, for a total of 70 lbs in 3 months.
YES I am eating.
today is better than yesterday, J is up and moving.
I am in allot of pain but hanging in there.
getting stuff done each day whether I like it or not is good for me.
oh, the Dr is dropping my part of one of meds next week.
so much for a 6 week wait until I start again.
I was not thrilled about my blood pressure, I was however in the middle of a pain wave when they took it.
so things are looking up!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

what will today bring?

I am not as angry as I was yesterday. I am tired and scared. I am just hanging in and waiting to do the next thing that has to be done. I am taking some time for myself as the pain is bad right now. Flare-ups suck. the more stress the more of a flare-up. I am not so much writing for anyone but me right now. I need a safe outlet for all of my frustration and pain. all of my friends have there own things right now, and as much as I love being the center of attention, I just want to hide.
it is a dark place in my world right now, and I am going to go play nurse, for J. he is really sick. (if he needed to go to the dr I would take him) he just needs his own bed and to hide. so this is today. whatever.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

when bad things happen.

today one of my lovely friends was woken up by the phone. her mother died.
her mother and my mother should of known each other.
they were both horrible mothers. not horrible people, they can't help what they were.
abusive people are not always bad people. they were usually abused, and mistreated and that is all they know. I am only going on experience here.
My friend is one of my oldest friends, and allot like me.
she would never hurt a fly, unless she was the fly.
self destructive behaviour is no different from assault, it is just self assault.

she was hospitalized today, in a crisis recovery center. think low tech looney bin.
when I went to visit her tonight, she kept slipping away from me. she had marks on her head where she had banged it in therapy today. she was catatonic for a bit and I had to wait it out while I held her hand, and told her I loved her. she started to bang her head and I had put myself in-between her and the table she was sitting at. I had to tell her in my best voice that if she continued they would put here somewhere far worse, and to knock it off...

I felt bad but I had to get her to stop.
she told me that she was hurting so bad, that if she felt physical pain it would stop.
only problem when you are in a lock down facility, is if you act out in any way they make you suffer. I had to get a nurse to help me. know what she told me? "I will be there in a moment"
man, they really care! and I told the nurse that. she looked at me. she is going to be in there a while, and if I don't mind my P&Q'S I will not be let back in to see her, and she needs me now.
I hate that she can't be safe at home. She wants to go home, but she wouldn't take care of her self. she would just disappear, into her self. she has done it before, 3 days one time. me and another of her friends were ready to call the police that time. she could of gone into a diabetic coma, and never woken up.
I feel so helpless. the stupid nurse said to her I bet you miss your mom? both of us looked at her, I informed the nurse she wasn't that kind of mother but the other kind of mother...
maybe it is me and the fact that it is close to that time of month. (surgery did not take, and my bladder is in full flare) maybe it is that I have been sick for so long, and so is J.
I have been mean and pissy all day.

she has to go through this as well all do, you are born, you are going to die, and so will everyone you love and hate. none of them will be here in 100 years, none of us.
we are finite, and very very small.
Soon will be my mothers time to go. god only knows and doesn't care, when she is going.
both my parents as far as I know are still alive. when they die I am sure I will know eventually, some pain in the ass shit head relative will rejoice in telling me of my parents last days, and I will listen, and thank them. and then I will do what I have done for years now. mourn the loss of them. I am mourning over live(as far as I know) people.
what am I mourning?
the relationship that I never had and feel robbed of. "robbed" of. more like "cluster fucked and raped until dead" of. I don't know how I survived my childhood, let alone the rest of it.
and I keep going, even when I and so pissed that I can't see. literally, my vision won't focus.
I am so raw tonight, angry, and just crushed.
She will have to take her time to grieve, and it will be at her schedule. grief is like that.
my grandmother died and it took me 10 years to get back on track.
During those 10 years I shot heroin, and did god knows what else, cause I was in pain.
My bottom was ugly and damn near killed me.
I love this woman with a fierceness that hurts. I have known her for 18 years. we have been to hell and back together. how much more can she take? I dunno.
I will go back tomorrow if I can walk, everything hurts right now. and I will keep going back. until they let her out. I am her friend and I have been in a similar position. visitors are a luxury, when you are in those places. not much can be brought in. I knitted something soft for her, and gave it to her, to hold and to pet. I just hope they let her keep it. the nurse said it was okay, they change their minds each shift.
here is to my buddy and the hell she is going through. I love you, please don't hurt yourself.
( I know I told you this when I left tonight when you wanted to smuggle me in your room and keep me with you. I did mean it)

It was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
theres nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
its just the way that you would tied in
now theres no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
so hard to move on
still loving whats gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i cant handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing whats gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone thats out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

its just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Hotel Bill

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens
Fifty-Four Years of Math 1957 - 2011 In America

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King
for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was
digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from
my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there,
holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at
the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort
and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters,
but she hailed the manager for help.

Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since
the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20 ...

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because
he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the preservation of
our woodlands. He does this so he can make a
profit of $20. What do you think of this way of
making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the birds and squirrels feel
as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel
like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need
assistance because of race, color, religion, sex,
sexual orientation, age, childhood memories,
criminal background, then don't answer and the
correct answer will be provided for you.
There are no wrong answers.

7. Teaching Math In 2011
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara
100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos.
Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


Three Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
University in Marquette. They would get together two or
three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to

people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be

to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they

decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear,

preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches,

and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when

I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. But that

bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy

Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop

is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one

arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-

brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that

we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I

began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear

wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began

to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN

another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and

BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as

gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.....Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who

was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with

IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision

may not have been the best way to start."

Nobody does snowmen quite like Calvin and Hobbes did!

A P.S. I Love You martini can make a great Valentine's Day surprise, or is great for mixing up for that special someone whenever you desire.

* 1 oz dark rum
* 1 oz amaretto liqueur
* 3/4 oz Kahlua coffee liqueur
* 1 1/2 oz Amarula cream liqueur
* (optional) Baileys Irish Cream as a substitute for Amarula
* 1 oz cream
* Freshly grated chocolate
* Poop

Add ice to a cocktail shaker.

Add the dark rum, amaretto liqueur, Kahlua, Amarula (or Baileys), and cream to the cocktail shaker.

Cap the shaker. Shake the ingredients vigorously for about five seconds.

Strain into a cocktail glass.

Garnish with the grated chocolate. The chocolate can be grated directly over the drink using microplane grater or similar tool.

Serve the drink. A chocolate roll can make a nice finishing garnish.

This is my valentines day post. I am not even up for 20 minute and I find this.
today is going to be awesome!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

what does anger do?

well in my case, nothing nice.
I had a force 10+ melt down last night for 4 hours.
the screaming and yelling, and the nasty words that are meant to hurt...
My pain is through the roof, my stomach is in knots, and I had particular uglier night of nightmares.
what prompted this? you ask...
My pain and stress are causing my memory to not be clear.
what does that mean? I am forgetting(?) things, important things, well at least to me.
my memory has been my saving grace, kept me out of trouble, and saved my ass.
I thought I paid something off, and I still have no idea if I did or not. and the other person is not known for the best memory, so we split the difference, and all receipts must be signed by both people for it to be valid, And I got a ledger, backups...

It also makes me hot that I have to depend on others to drive me places. I am still losing weight, how much I will find out on my birthday in June. thing is I am still around 450 lbs or around 200 kg give or take... so I am not really moving well yet, but better than it was. I still need my walker, sometimes.

I just have a case of "Fucking February" every year but this one, I go up on my medications, especially the one that keep me from killing others, or myself.
where did I get all of this anger? the hard way, years of being a doormat and slave to everyone, but my own needs. I am not important enough, I don't rate.
I DO!!!!
I have been doing this now for almost 6 years. I feel old and tired, and scared.
that is why I am losing weight, I have things to live for. never did before.
people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up? alive, was my answer. no definite plans just somewhere where it didn't hurt to be me.
So I am trying to stay focus oriented, and in the present moment.
that is all and I am out of here.

Friday, February 11, 2011

the Husband song!!!!!

this is dedicate to my future husband who showed me this song and we laughed.
remember LAUGH! it helps.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Clothes out of the dryer...

Being relegated to role of caretaker due to illness is a big job. I am tired, really tired and it will be an early night, Like right after this post.....

so I am getting laundry done (well actually CT is doing the stairs, and loading and unload and helping me put them away. My clothes are bigger than most. and it takes 4 loads to do a minimum of laundry so that I Have clean ones...:P

so He brings up my clothes, and they are hot from the dryer... AWWWWWW! hot clean clothes!
One of my most favorite things, EVER. I am very spoiled, and I remember that I am loved.

My grandmother smelled like Downey fabric softener, brandy, cigarettes, and white ginger perfume.
Laundry was a magic thing, pop in dirty wet clothes and you get hot clean one back.
one of my favorite past times, is watch the dryer go round and round at the laundry mat.
better than TV.

so here are to the days where hot clothes come out of the dryer, remembering my grandmother who I miss most of all.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

of Piñatas and other shiny things...

it is Happy I love you day, here at home. My other half is sick in bed, and I am in the role of caretaker, of both of us. fortunately we tend to get sick in opposite of each other. and I have really great friends, (thanks CT and Zanna) I don't know how I would do this without you!
Everyday is Happy I love you day, since he asked me to marry him.

I am bone tired, and almost over my stuff. my stomach is still hands off bets at thus point. I am living on liquids and soft food as I have for the last four months. the weight is really coming off. which is great. I had blood work done last week, and it showed up great, everything normal.
I think the cutting down on medicine, and just my chronic( and unbearable) pain and illness have just caught up to me.

I am worried about my liver. My mother liver is failing and it is a death sentence for her.
Some one hit my relationship (or lack of) with my mother up so well yesterday.
My mother didn't want kids, she wanted SLAVES.
it isn't about me, I never actually figured into the picture, except for what I could do for her. it is all about her, always has been. Just a undeniable factoid of life.

I love her, I just can't be anywhere near her, My father is just the same way. they aren't bad people. it is far to dangerous to me to let these people in my life, or to have anything to do with them. this kinda stuff get in the back of my brain and sits there and eats at me in the quiet place in my mind, the lonely little space in the dark where I am small.

J and I have been talking as we often do... he says that I am like a Piñata.
this hard shell, covering the prize that is ME. who I really am and was.
I asked him how he could love someone like me... I always thought that he saved me from myself. he clarified that he saved me from my life and what it took to deal with it. there was this hard shell that I had built around myself to protect me, and it just kept getting thicker as a form of self protection. What he saw was under the shell, and who I really was. he is first and foremost my friend, my first one, and for along time my only friend.
God knows I wasn't. I am still working on that and it keeps getting better.

This is who I am.
it has been hard to write lately, I get distracted and I am all over the place. I am like a squirrel on crack who mentally shit it's self, nice picture huh?
Have you every mentally shit yourself?
I do all the time and it is a hard thing to clean up.

Duran Duran has there new album out, as you may or may not know how much I love there music ALLOT!!! there first single is All You Need Is Now. it is a fun song about staying in the moment. It is something that I try to do, staying in the moment. I have spent too much of my life living in the past. I am tired and beat up as fuck.
The point of power is in the present moment. that is by far one of my favourite sayings. it is one of life's truisms, painfully so.
so here is to now, and my life that I have worked so hard for, and all the love I have.

Thanks for reading!


Monday, February 7, 2011

Thursday, February 3, 2011


hey all, allot has happened lately, all good.

the lawsuit settled, and everything worked out. we were in a car accident in 2007, due to medical bills the other party was sued. the bills got paid, and I didn't go to court (YEAH). My Dr's didn't back me up, but it went well, and the big things is I don't owe anyone anything.

My other half had his 56th bday, and he asked me to marry him. I said yes, the wedding will be sometime this summer. wow!

I have lost 54 lbs since November, part of it cause I was sick the rest cause I am eating better, and moving more.

so that is that, hope you all are having as much fun as I am. Love ya1!