Friday, December 2, 2011

what I am listening to right now, ENJOY!

Dire Straits - Telegraph Road [COMPLETE STUDIO VERSION]


Sunday, November 27, 2011

the moaning door.

I live near one of the exits to the building, and it has been ever so cold.
WHOREFROST, I mean hoarfrost, is every where.
cold effects doors locks and buildings. this building was built before the 1964 earthquake, and with stood it.
the building howls when it is windy, and the door near me moans like a whore when she doesn't get paid.
okay but seriously the door moans like a woman getting...
umm, yeah.
the orgasm door, Lisa the moaning door, and so on.
the door is getting allot of action, *sigh*
and moaning it's head off.
okay fine!
have a happy rest of the weekend.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


this is not a paid or sponsored post.
this is just my silly opinion.

I like fizzy water, and I drink a ton of it. it usually comes in a green bottle, the yuppie water crap.
I have always liked club soda, carbonated water, whatever.
I like the bubbles and the bitter taste.
I used to eat lemons whole, had to stop when I got braces in the 5th grade or so.
that really pissed me off.
I love to eat, and will eat damn near anything, but that is changing as my body tells me what I will and will not eat any more, my stomach has become the Gestapo.
Nope that won't do send it back!
so everything is eaten with the knowledge that it has a 50/50 chance of coming back up, either part or all.
so with that knowledge I pick my options.
yuppie water is EXPENSIVE!
and being that money is always tight we around here are always looking for ways to cut the cost.
In walks "the soda maker". it is red and has the attached "CARBINATOR" which is not mine but the companies they just let me use it and trade it back in for money to them.
it came with all of these craptastic syrups, 1oz of syrup makes one litre of soda(WTF). full of poison and sugar and shit. CRAPTASTIC!!!
so now what I am trying to figure out what to do with them, as throwing away shit someone else could use pisses me off almost as bad as having to find a home for this shit.
I would give them away here but uh, yeah, what the fuck, no!
not mailing toxins, with my money, ACK!
so probably will go on CL in an act of desperation,
so while I love the "CARBINATOR" and the red doohicky that seats it and makes me fizzy water, the craptastic syrup WE really could do with out.
3 of 5 stars*

*would of gotten more if they hadn't stuck me with the CRAPTASTIC syrup shit. OH and they try to make it better seemingly as a gift to me!

so here is to my fizzy water, we will see if it is cost effective as I have to hit the "carbinator" twice as much as it says. I like my carbonated water to *punch* me in the mouth.
so WE will see.

thanks giving

Well the car is frozen fouled and flooded, we did this last year in January so it will be expensive and a pain but oh well, with down to -20 what do ya expect, I ran out of money after the tires this year so old Beasty didn't get her tune up and now she is insisting.
I have stopped eating meat so we are having lentil.barley.veggie soup!
I have allot to be thankful for!
so I leave you with this from my favorite Alaskan Cartoonist Mr. Chad Carpenter, EnJoY!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


last night no vomiting but laying there wanting to die, finally get to sleep, and CT wakes me up at midnight. I almost killed him. I remember allot of screaming, something he missed during the day,
Midnight? really???
I have to try to eat something here as my stomach is churning.
I am eating a banana, and I am totally GACKED!
when it gets bad I have taken to singing "Kumbaya" in my head very quietly, I am so sick and I want to die so all I can remember is Kumbaya. it is strangely soothing at hard times.
oh there is always music in my head, as I am always singing something, to much to some people's opinion.
(middle finger here)
oh and to my period that showed up Sunday, (weren't you taken care of by surgery 2 years ago? NO!)
I have had the TENS unit on my lady parts for 3 days now, not lady bits which are lower, hey this isn't "JACKASS the movie" WHOO HOO!
I am not that big of an idiot.
so coming up on thanks giving, (I will not be participating this year, for me this year it is like any other day and I have far to much to do.)
so happy Whatever to you.
(I'm the one with my head still in a trash can)
love to all

Monday, November 21, 2011

umm, yeah

well it's official.
I projectile vomited last night, (thank god it was only water)
I am not eating and haven't for 3 days.
I laid in the fetal position for many hours last night , as it hurt to breath, I did something to my back in the midst of the many hours of vomiting.
it hurts to move and to think, I did not keep last nights meds down.
I took my elavil early today, to avoid living hell, if you want me I'm the one with my head in the trash can. I'm off to take a shower, hopefully I won't puke as I have to keep my elavil down.
it is not going well.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


there is one today for the lady down stairs.
I have never been to a funeral.
I have had plenty of people die, let me put it this way I did not even go to my grandmothers who I loved more than life it's self. I do visit her grave, but not since my mother as died as they are in the same funeral park, in different place, but her presence has been enough to keep me away.
still the funeral is today.
am I going? I will know in 3 hours.
what would I wear? I don't have anything appropriate for one.
every article of clothing I own is brightly coloured the only black I have is a few pair of pants.
I hate black, dark blue and brown. I have blue, but light and bright.
I doubt I am going.
My grand mother is to blame for this(and you know what I am okay with that)
some one who worked for my grand parents, and my mother taking care of me among other duties.
her name was Nell, I was 5 when she died. I remember the red metal high chair, I was always trying to climb out of and her lap, which was warm and large and soft, she always had a hug for me and time in her lap before she would try to feed me even though I did not need to eat.
I loved her.
time came for the viewing of the body, my mother was ready to take us in to see Nell's body. MY GRANDMOTHER pitched a fit and blocked the door in to the funeral home. under no condition was I going in there to see Nell, as that was not Nell, the Nell I knew was gone, and my mother had no right to terrorize us with something that we would not understand.
my grand mother stood up to them, so I would not be traumatized.
I haver never been to a funeral, and I guess I won't start now.
the lady downstairs for all of her problems was a lovely person when she wanted to be(when she was sober) she did have a heart of gold, and I am going to miss her
looks like I am going after all. thank god she was cremated.

Friday, November 18, 2011

I love my friends that comment!

Tempo who lives in the land of Australia, is one of my most active commenter's, (I do love the rest of you too!!) left me this comment to my last post. "it's actually already Friday here in OZ. At the time of commenting it's 5:08pm and 102 deg F"
all I can say is HOLY BATSHIT!, SHEEPMAN!!!! I know those are New Zealanders traits, but heck!
102 degrees? know I know why they say it in Celsius of 39 or 42 degrees. cause it sounds so much better than OVER 100 degrees.
70 is a heat storm to me, I have thick blood from living all my life in cold weather.


Partly cloudy with patchy morning fog. Sunny this afternoon. Highs 5 to 15 above...coldest on the east side of town and outlying areas. North wind to 10 mph.

Clear in the evening then becoming partly cloudy. Patchy fog after midnight. Lows zero to 15 below....coldest on the east side of town and outlying areas. Light winds.""

it is currently -3 degrees.
I am trying to figure out IF I have to go out today.
I might, I might not. I have not thrown up this am yet, I am sick just not as bad as today, THANKYOU!

well I am as used to cold as tempo is to hot, althou I think it gets cold there too.
I am learning more every time I read his blog, you should go read it!
it as a funny about the difference between OZ and NZ, and has some lovely references to sheep!

so if I have done it right you can click on the link(title of the post), or copy and paste and then bookmark his page, as it is a lovely read. Http://

I know I am not a big commenter but I do read all of my friends posts and it is always so nice to here about you all.
talk to you soon.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

things are looking up.

Dry fish that I can eat, and a certain homeless guy I know is not going to spend the winter outside-they are finally going to help him.

these are two positive things that happened today, I still threw up way to much but what the hell? my skin feels like it is on fire.

I really need to take more breaks between medication withdrawals. this isn't nearly as death provoking as I remember, well not my death. the fact that I border on hate for the rest of the human race is just my own little thing. oh and who ever has the hissing high squealing power brakes set up in my front room can really let up now. (I am hallucinating, woopie for me!) nothing funnier and sadder than me trying to track the source of the noise down and it is in my own head and the rest of you can't hear it.
umm yeah, whatever.
so I am going to take my 50 gajillion pills, (WTF) and sit with my horrendous stomach ache (My stomach hurts thinking about it. brushing what teeth I have left and falling into a 13 hour drug induced coma I call sleep. either today was the worst of it and it will be better when I get up, or I am horrible fucked and not in a good way.
in weather news we have a metric shit ton of snow, and it is blowing all over the place with temps of 15 to -15 Fahrenheit.
I picked a great time to be sick.
fine I am done with you TODAY, Mr thursday shit from hell day, and I am glad I never have to do you again.
that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


well I have sworn off food. as I have puked every time I eat so it is just water now. I cancelled my psych and PT due to my stomach, can't lay on it and do My I,T,Y,& w's. and I AM DAMN FED UP WITH DR'S RIGHT NOW!
so not much else other than I want the number of the truck that hit me.
this seemed to be better than last time as I have all summer built my body up for this and it has not been months of puking so I think am more resilient, this time, but each time it will get worse.
the migraine is there in the back ground like in my jaw which has been clinched for days now.
so I am not a happy camper. what am I going to do? what I always do put my head down and trudge.
thanks for reading.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I woke up puking this a.m., and started a pot of soup.
All I had to do was move and breath.
it has started.
Now I find I am not as smart or as nice(to myself) as I thought?
I have 3 Dr Appts, Wednesday and Thursday.
Psyche, OB/GYN, and PT.
what the FUCK was I thinking?
I am anxious, nauseas, and My head is tight.
it will get worse, I have the migraine medicine handy and the puke pills.
we have had a metric shit ton of snow. so everything is nice and white and quiet.
so I am as fine as I can be, we will see how the day goes, then the week.
love ya guys and thanks for reading and caring!

Monday, November 14, 2011


today is one of those days, like any other, which means anything can happen. it is also the week before thanksgiving, and the day I start lowering meds for the winter.
By Thursday I will be puking. had the elavil cut in half.
being poisoned sucks but coming off of them is far worse.
Migraine, vomiting, body pain fever, you name it, it is like a case of the flu and food poisoning, and chewing tin foil at the same time.
Oh and lets not forget the constant state of tweak that I am in cause I no longer have these meds sedating me.
oh and yes the absolute terror when I have to shower or anything else that stimulates me.
I am in a constant state of over stimulation. and therefore the tweak is terrible.
you know that feeling of licking a 9 Volt battery? mix that with terror and there we go.
I feel like I am waiting for the world to fall apart, that horrid thing that is just looming off in the distance, waiting to cave my head in and do awful things to me, just like in my nightmares.
not surprised that it is reaching shower time a familiar sense of dread hits me and the night to come.
it will get better all I have to do is wait 5 minutes J tells me, some times he is right, and I love him for it, but most of the time he is wrong, and it is just starting.
will check in as I am house bound during this, depending on the nausea.
love to all.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Freedom is in town, and we have been having fun, and due to hurricane force winds along the Alaska coast, I have her an extra night.
we went and had a nice slow day, shopping at Fred Meyers (and 3 rider carts later) and A fabric store visit. freedom got me in and out of the store for under 20.00. that was my budget, and I stuck to it.
and now I have a quiet night, as I promised a picture, Freedom took one of me at the fabric store (a very dangerous place) so there is that.
I actually like the picture.
good night and good luck!

Sunday, October 23, 2011


not much to report here. down to 410lbs, for a 102lb weight loss from last year this time.
I have hair, yes I am not wearing my Mohawk. I am still cute, just smaller with more hair. I will have pictures as soon as I find the camera again. I still throw up daily, and I am in allot of pain, oh well.
like I said not much, just hanging in waiting for snow.
I love snow, (OBVIOUSLY) (where do I live again?)
it snows and the noise disappears, the snow dampens sound. it is so quiet and soft outside.
I hate the cold as it makes my pain worse, but snow is the best thing ever.
it is all I can remember for as long as I remember, and the bitter cold.
My favorite temp? about 55.
don't need a jacket, not to hot, no bugs. think spring and fall.
we have parks and wetlands all over the city, it is one of the reasons the town is so large 25X25miles or so.
10 minutes in any direction and there are trees and wet lands.
we have birds (ducks) that stay all year round cause assholes feed them.
so when I was out on Friday, and we went to the lagoon, it is separated by a bank and train tracks on top of the bank.
the water had a thin sheet of ice on it and the open areas they had ducks, and they would try to swim as close to us as they could get, quacking like mad ducks the whole time.
I do not appreciate those uppity ducks expecting me to feed them.
I do not feed the animals. it kills them.
so I sit and let the ducks abuse me hoping to see an eagle, that eagle would shut them up quick. there is a mated pair in the area.they are really beautiful.
it is better to sit in the cold and not smell the sewer treatment plant near by.
it was really busy on the board walk. runners biker walkers and all sorts just passing each other as they zoom by me, as I sit and watch the ducks.
My mother went to high school just up the hill from the ducks. there is also a wonder bread outlet store, they used to sell garbage bags, I mean Hefty bags size 33+gallon of day old bread that you could buy for 5 dollars and feed the ducks with.
I would get my bread for the ducks, and I would eat it. food was few and far between. my mother would buy food for the ducks and let us starve, so fair was fair.
I hate wonder bread.
hate the smell as you drive by and smell it baking.
it is the little things that get ya.
I have been watching snow creep down the mountains, another inch or more of progress, each time I look. soon it will snow for good and the winter shit will start.
things will not be as accessible for me when it snows. it gets harder and more dangerous to move outside. fortunately we have malls around here and I will start mall walking this winter.
I will miss the outside, and the sun.
I saw one of my drs and I will be going off my elavil again here after the first week of November as Freedom is coming to town, WHOO HOO! I am not getting sick for her being here. I will schedule being sick after she is gone!
Just things that rattle around in my brain.
so this is it for now. love to all.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Why do people think I care?

I am venting so if you don't want to hear swearing then stop reading.

I rent the rooms where I live. I don't get paid for it. it is something I do because it is what I am best at. I can tell you in 30 seconds what they will be like and do as a tenant.
it is scary how accurate I am.
but this being a business and it isn't mine, the business is to make money.
that is done by keeping rooms rented.
I don't like what I do. I am good at it.
I don't like the people I rent to. 90% of the time I regret renting to people.
but the business isn't mine and I do what I am told.

tenants when they move in here are told some very important things.
clean up after yourself, pay your rent, don't cause problems.
don't look for J in my room, it is off limits.
I can't help you. I don't want to, don't have to.
I cannot help you. I am not the manager.
I am an unpaid secretary, who is intensely uninterested in your problems.
Now if you are sick or hungry, then I am more than happy to help.
if you want to see me for me, then I am happy to see you.
for ANY other reason, Fuck off!

and they just don't get it, they are confused.
does never talk to me again sound confusing?
the last 2 time the tenant in ? has talked to be it has been about building business.
what the fuck is wrong with this asshole?
the first time I laughed at him and walked off letting the manager handle it.
tonight I was not so nice, friend or in any way helpful.
I was screaming and screaming some more.

I have my limits. and every fucken time I leave my room one of these assholes do it.
I am sick. and I hate leaving my room, cause every time I do some asshole jumps my shit.
well living arrangements change.
soon I will be moving.
not because I want to but because some one is dying, and I may never get offered this kind of a situation again. I have already turned it down twice before.
then I will not have to deal with this but some other damn thing.
why did I wake up this morning for this shit?
you are now back to your regularly scheduled program.
tomorrow better be better than today, or some one is getting screamed at.
I hope one day to meet my maker, so I can then kick it's collective ass for this bullshit life I have, dealing with stupid people.
everyone has to live somewhere.
Part of my ad should say, No ASSHOLES.
but then you can't discriminate, and even assholes need a place to live.
Just don't ask me to care about you if you are to stupid to live.
just do everyone a favor and win a Darwin Award.
then fuck off.

DO you fart in bed?


Sunday, September 25, 2011

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

- The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

- My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

- My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

- I had no control over the drooling.

- Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

- I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

- I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

the more things change...

they just do. well for an update to all who care, and if you don't care then why are you reading this? just a thought, those who matter don't mind, and those who don't matter do mind. which are you? if you are the second then... fuck off!

I have lost 94 lbs since this time last year. I am down to 418lbs.
how did I do it? I'm sick.
still trying to get into the rheumatologist, who knows what year that will be, if it is this hard to even get a referral?
I vomit daily, usually first thing in the am, and usually when I eat.
I look good. (snort)
umm. yeah right...
the sun tan and growing my hair out, and the weight loss become me.
(now if I can just keep from loosing the rest of my teeth.)
CT is learning trigger point release therapy from Freedom and youtube. it is the only way I can move. even them it is screaming pain.
sometimes it is just screaming.
when it hits it hits hard and leaves me drained for days.
I sleep allot more and I am less medicated, go fig?
things are in the works for the winter, and the spring beyond.
I am actually looking forward to winter.
although fall is the best time of year.
this winter I will start the great medication reduction, again.
so for now I sit under my heating blanket, and read and watch TV.
I have allot of help between CT, and J and CH. and all of my other lovely friends...
so for the most part things are good. not great but in time I hope for things to get better.
what else do I do, but have hope?
no one said I would live forever.
or that it would be fair or fun.
it is interesting
lots of love and thanks for reading.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

if you call me at 10pm...

And threaten to kill yourself I will call the police to do a wellness check, and they will take you to the Psych ER, where you will have a nice visit with the people in scrubs.


How did your Saturday night go?
well welcome to my Saturday night.
one of my friends that I have known for 17 years, called me last night.
"I am tired and fed up and I have a plan to fix it all."
"what is the plan?"
"I can't talk about it, but I have enough pills in the house to do myself in"
so yeah umm...
being that I spent most of my life suicidal, I know what she is saying.
The hospital called me this am to talk about her. they can't confirm that she is there, but they want info. fine. she is probably pissed at me, no I know she is.
Really really really angry.
calling people before they go to bed to tell them that you are offing yourself is totally inappropriate. I am glad she called, instead of doing something stupid.
she has the history and the means.
that is something I can't ignore.
but for me not to take that shit seriously, WHAT THE FUCK!!!
what if she had done something and I had not said something?
most of my friends are dead or disappeared.
she is it from those days, and I truly love her.
actions and behaviour have consequences.
maybe one day she will not hate me for stopping her.
right now I don't care as long as she is safe.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Mating Call

Mating Call

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

You'll like this


Monday, August 15, 2011

What is that noise you are listening to?

is a cat being raped? nope, just me singing.
I sing, didn't say I could I just like to for me. it makes me happy.
I got stuck in the 1980's romantic/new wave/punk stuff.
it is hard to be around me if you have a head ache, one, I am keyed up, on gack level nine.
yes, GACK! not a word the spell check tells me.
Gack, that feeling that you have just before you puke, when your body is going at warp 90++++, and you want to die.

OMGOODNESS!!!! is this going to be a fun post? well no that was the last one but it won't be as bad as possible.

I am so gacked. I have been puking really bad, so that my head feels like it is going to explode. my face is a mess with all of the broken blood vessels, I am "spotty"
on a good note I am losing weight hand over fist, and my ass is disappearing at an alarming rate, mostly rapidly.
how is this weight loss different?
it is coming off and staying off. I have a bunch of muscle, that I have never had.
you can see my spine and I have hipbones and ribs that I can feel,
also everything hurts like hell. also I can do what I have to to help myself, which at this point is not much.
Oh I "look" good.
yeah something of a slight tan and over 100lbs of weight loss. I am growing my hair for now so the mohawk is funny looking to say the least. like an over grown chia pet.

I have a new camera but I am still learning to use it, so a picture will be soon, I promise.
and when I am less spotty..
I am okay. the guys are taking care of me and making it much easier to do this. I got really angry after my mother died and I got very sick, and I am only now able to hold small things down again, bananas, bananas, gack.
I walked out of the shower the other night and walked past the trash can in the main kitchen and puked in it. it smelled bad but not like that bad.
so that got changed immediately.
so life goes on and I hold on.
here is the song I am listening to right now so I will leave you with that. later folks thanks for reading.

Love The Irish

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't
even at home yesterday.


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.


Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies - I'm goin ta take her with me!


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy:
"We'll lie and say we only found two."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Sunday, August 14, 2011

nothing new

nothing new, just sick and depressed.
life is good, well most of the time.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


things are better. life goes on.
I see my psych provider today then my therapist next week.
all is good in Shannon land.
I want to to thank those who read this. it is hard to read and even harder to write.
I have never been one for writing, it makes me accountable.
but here I am and I am writing...
thanks for all the love and support.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I found out that I have to go to family if I want info.
you know what? it isn't worth it to me right now.
she died in a long term facility, probably hooked up to tubes and drugged out of her mind.
hopefully it was quick and painless.
my mother was there when my grandmother passed and apparently she went out screaming.
I hope that she was ready and it was quick, and she just passed peacefully.
it is what I would want for myself, well not the tube and drugged up part I can do with out that.
My relatives are viscous, and they scare the shit out of me.
I just don't need that in my life.
I am okay and things are well and I just don't think about things.
eventually things always work themselves out. they just do and it is what it is.
I would rather live my life the way I have apart from them.
even it means that I don't know details. I won't have the hassles either.
I have my own family and my own life, what I have always wanted.
what else is there?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Thank you

I have really great friends.

there us so much unfinished business with my mother.
I am not the only one who goes through this.
I called the hospital that my mother died at to get more info with out going to family.
that is something that I don't want to do, deal with that bunch of psychopaths.
I will hear back eventually. hopefully I can piece her last days together in my head.
I do love her, I just could not deal with her and stay safe. she had such a need to hurt, herself and others. can't stop loving and hating her.
hate is something that sits with you for years, it eats your soul alive and whole.
hate is allot like revenge, when you plan revenge dig two graves, theirs and yours.
I would like to get through this with the minim of fuss. find out what I need to know.
the vultures have already picked everything clean.
(my mother told me the last time I saw her last year that she wanted her stuff to go to some one who deserved it. I wished her luck in finding that person, and I would not discuss it further)
some pictures would be nice, that's all I want, some damn pictures!
but umm, yeah that is really going to happen.
I made my goodbyes the last time I saw her, as I had for years every time I saw her. Maybe that is why there are no tears as they were all cried such a very long time ago. and there are so many of them left in other areas that I need my tears for me.
that was the decision that I made years ago: me or Her. I tried for a long time to try to give us both what we wanted, at my total expense.
that is the way it was her or me.
I knew her better than anyone else ever did, I kept her secrets and held her pain, and she abused me terribly. She Always came first. that was no way to live my life.
I wanted all the things I saw other have. I finally have that.
I am happy.
she is dead, and gone.
life goes on.
I miss what could have been but I have had that all my live wanting what others had.
thanks so much for all the love.
you guys rock.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I think I am okay...

My mother is dead.
oh shit.
I do know this. I did everything the way I am not ashamed of.
our lack of a relationship was her fault, and the fact I would not let her walk on me, in me or through me.
It hurts to know that nothing will be set straight.
I am not really very happy right now.
when has MY happiness ever mattered?
I have no idea where this is going, stay tuned.
BTW thanks for all the love, you guys are better than my family.
that is saying allot.

Friday, July 22, 2011

the monster is dead.

Pamela Rae Gratrix-Wilson, 67, passed away May 31, 2011, at St. Elias Specialty Hospital in Anchorage.

She was born Oct. 17, 1943, in Ohio.

She moved with her parents and siblings, becoming a resident of Anchorage in 1951. She was a true Alaska girl at heart.

Pamela was a fun, good-natured woman with a heart of gold. She enjoyed drawing and other art forms, as well as being a very good storyteller. As a young woman, Pamela was involved with Job's Daughters.

She graduated from West Anchorage High School in 1963. Pamela then went on to further her education and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts (cum laude) from Alaska Pacific University in 1990. Pamela continued her education and artwork throughout her life.

Pamela found joy in spending time with her family and friends. She loved a good joke and a great meal. She had an eye for color and loved gnomes. She had an adventurous spirit that will live on in those who loved her most.

She is survived by her brothers, Erldon Gratrix Jr. and Kris Gratrix; sisters-in-law, Wendi Gratrix and Sharon Gratrix; her children, Seann and Shannon; many nieces, nephews, great-nieces and great-nephews with whom she was very close, both in Anchorage and in Minnesota; and many friends and caretakers.

Pamela was preceded in death by her parents, Erldon and Irene Gratrix, and brother, John Robert (J.R.) Gratrix, with whom she was very close.

A service will be at 4 p.m. Tuesday at ChangePoint Church, 6689 ChangePoint Drive.

Arrangements were entrusted to Legacy Funeral Home Kehl's Chapel.

I found out today, from a acquaintance that my Mother the monster died, almost 2 months ago.
My God I am related to these people...
there are no tears.
Both of my parents have been dead to me for years now.
All I can sit here with is a sense of relief.
The monster is dead and will never hurt me again.
I am surprisingly happy.
the only question is why did it take so long for me to find out?
My relatives know where I am. it is not like I am in hiding. they find me when it is convenient for them.
that is what gets me. that and that crappy obituary, who wrote that drivel?
"Pamela was a fun, good-natured woman with a heart of gold."
My mother was fun~ in the rip the eyelids off of kittens kind of way.
Good natured? she was vicious and knew how to draw blood.
yeah her heart was made of gold : hard shiny and not much use.
God finally answered my prayers and killed her.
All I have is this over whelming sense of relief that the bitch is dead.
why did it take so long?
If I hadn't had such a Jones about hurting myself, what would it of been like?
in walks my mother.

she raped and beat and starved me and I think it is far time that this stage of my life is over and I can start on the rest of my life with out that bitch hanging over my head.

Monday, July 11, 2011

bush babies...

Click the title for more info. these beautiful creatures are almost extinct.
dealing with humans stresses them out and they tend to kill themselves in captivity, by smashing there heads where there soft spot is. the DO NOT thrive in captivity, they need fresh live bugs and to be left alone as they are nocturnal, and need to sleep.
it is tragic how these animals are being let to die out.
they are adorable, and so very fragile.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I snagged this from AV or click on the title!

I hope all is well with all of you this lovely Sunday morning!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My internet connection at best is severely unstable at this time.
this is the first time I have been able to get on since Saturday.
will work on getting to read everyone's stuff.
have not forgot about all of you.

Monday, June 13, 2011

another year come and gone

to morrow is my 41st b day. Yeah me! I rock! I survived another year.

we will be having jello poke cake, in lemon cake/lime jello, and lemon cake and strawberry jello.
on tomorrow and one for Sunday when mine and CT's b day bash will be held.

we will be having the party Sunday afternoon, and fun and food will be had by all.
(I will be doing all the cooking, something I am totally okay with as I haven't done any kind of party cooking for a bit so I am not totally burned out on it. I will be after this Sunday.)
it is cheaper his way. no extravagant cake or presents it will be a quiet bday.
Although I got a hand full of organic dates this am, Nice HUH?
speaking of dates, I make a really easy cooked pudding.

bananas (ripe and chunked up out if the peel of course)
dates (get the stone out, gloves will keep your hands from getting sticky, or you can spend a grand time chewing on your fingers. getting all the sugar off of your hands.)
and coconut milk. (well a little butter for the pan, and some vanilla, the good stuff, and maybe some pumpkin pie spice (I put it in every thing) ( if I was stuck with only 3 spices to cook with it would be basil, cumin and PPS, so there)
put it on the stove in a pan and cook over medium heat until most of the bananas and dates become undistinguishable from the rest (15 minutes or so)
serve hot or cold and it is delicious.
and as far as amounts equal dates to bananas, and a couple of cans of coconut milk.
this would usually go on my blog "all you can stomach" that is my cooking blog but what the hell... I am feeling festive.
so happy un-birthday to me and happy birthday to me tomorrow.

I will be having fun between melt downs.

love you all and thanks for all the support you have all given me in the last year.
I hope that this year to come will be as awesome as the last!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

well gee....

My last post was about frustration and things that happen that I really don't want to deal with.
I got really angry and made my self sick. are my expectations realistic?, no.
I want (just like everyone else) is to be treated for the person I am.
that is why the internet is so great. I don't know most of you except through your writings.
I have found some very beautiful people.
I may not always read or comment but you guys(and gals) are never far from my heart.

I have been off enjoying the summer and working on my tan (which is finally peeling(I guess I did get sun burned!!~!)) and trying to enjoy myself before winter hits and I start losing meds again.
we are looking at 3 more winters of this.
at least.

so I love you guys and think happy thoughts!

(apparently ignoring people works really well, I think the guy has gotten the hint that he is dog shit in my book)

Monday, June 6, 2011

while I am here...

I will discuss something that is currently bugging me.
I am losing weight. more than that I am gaining muscle and dropping size.
it may come to a screeching halt.
I cannot get my head wrapped around this.


I wish I was sexless.
I don't like the looks I am getting.
it actually hurts when I catch a guy staring at my tits.
yes they are big, but come on, look at my eyes, not where you think my nipples are.
we had a new tenant move in and he is "let me take you out to lunch," and "you are the perfect woman Shannon."
I don't let men buy me anything, you know why? cause I owe them a blow job for the lunch they paid for.
so I am hiding out in my room afraid of running into said asshole. (I am afraid of what I am going to say to him, it will not be nice.)
I am afraid for the next guy that is inappropriate. I don't know what I will do, but years of repressed actions for all the times I have been raped will be ugly.
I am really afraid.
I just want to be left alone.
this is seriously screwing with my head and my weight loss.
last time I was raped in 2006, the weight just piled back on.
maybe therapy tomorrow will help.
I feel trapped and I HATE it.
carry on with you life and thanks for listening.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


big or new to report in a holding pattern and trying not to think about what comes next.
(more meds to get rid of) (get into see the rheumatologist)

just trying to enjoy the summer and my 41st bday later this month.

hope all is well with you.

all my love

Monday, May 23, 2011

Happy bday Beth!

I hope your day is as wonderful as you~!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

work, or what I do when at my computer

I rent properties. where I live and other wise.
it keeps me busy. Like I can never have my phone ringer on.
they call at 2 am.
or the guys that called me from the states.
"HI I am morbidly obese and my arms are too short to reach my ass, you got anyone to help with that?" "Just Kidding!!!"
then we proceeded to talk about how scary women are and he wanted to know about me and my girlfriends. sorry not going to discuss that with you have to go.
or what time is it where you are?
you have the ad that I placed on CL if you don't know what time zone Alaska is in you are in trouble. answer Alaska Standard time! google it.
or there is the guy who had 80 or so (and I am rounding down) charges for everything. drugs violence and so on over the last 25 years. and he has spent more time in jail than out. only sober due to being in jail. when you have 2 years clean(and-oh-so-proud-of-it) and you have been in jail for the last 2 years, we don't need to talk.
or the woman that called me from drug treatment and didn't bother to tell me, I had to figure it out my self. when I called her back to let her know we had things serious to talk about, she never showed up.
today I have a worker call from the shelter I told her everything was in the ad and that I will not deal with third parties.
everything is in the ad. with the volumes of calls I get it is really hard to tell every single person everything. therefore the ad. if you can't take the time to read the ad,~ we have nothing to talk about.
most of the time I cringe when I have to answer the phone.
people are stupid and incredibly rude.
I just turn it around.
what else can I do?
back to the salt mines, now that I have complained about the idiots I have to deal with.
now I just have to fill 2 empty rooms with non idiot people.
yeah. right. whatever.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


was 6 years for J and I. the day passed like any other.
I am tired and irritable.
constant mind numbing pain will do that.
I am always so damn cold.
no it is not my thyroid. whatever knows that they check it every time I give blood for tests.
they usually take 750 ML when they do and I am dizzy and usually pissed. blood from a stone you say? here look at my arm? I know. I used to shoot up there, slim pickings.
so I went and say therapist today. she had the heater on and a soft blanket in her office. I was into that heater and blanket in no time flat like a happy cat.
it rocked. she said I was less irritable after that. till I had to leave.
now I am sitting here trying to keep dinner down which consisted of long cooking hot cereal mixed with hemp protein powder and oat milk.
I like what hemp does to my body, and how it makes me feel. and the oat milk is really nice, milk that tastes like a thin oatmeal cookie.
it will be better than what animal products do.
so that is that I will start going down on meds soon, have to see the Dr first. at this point I might out live my stay on meds. looking at 3 years at this rate.
whatever. I have spent over half my life medicated what is a few year more? just the rest of my life.
fine I hate things right now. no wonder I am such a bitch right now.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Together alone

I absolutely HATE mother's day

HATE IT. why?
have you met my mother no, then read my blog.
today is a fucken scam day. full of bullshit.
I was fine sleeping at my computer sick to my stomach trying not to puke, when I get woken up and have the fucken day forced on me,
so much screaming later, I am alone with everyone in the spaces dreading the next encounter with me.
Just leave me alone.
I hate the day and what bullshit it represents.
My mother left me with nothing well less than that and now she is dying alone.
take your fucken mothers day and shove it up your shiny happy ass. Just leave me the fuck out of it.
(middle finger)

Friday, May 6, 2011

well I went back today

and there in the rocks above the trees were the ravens and a nest up in there. I could hear the babies! I have pictures when I process them I will put them on. night for now

the eagle and the three ravens

CT and I were going swimming! were.
we ended up driving up the coast near beluga point.
why is it called beluga point?, cause you can see beluga whales swimming in there pods.
so we pull off the road. WHY DON'T I BRING MY CAMERA?
well I didn't bring it. CRAP!
so we sit in the sun and walk to a minor water fall on the side of the road.
we drive farther down the coast, and we find this spot. it is really sunny and lightly raining. the sky is navy in color in some places. so we see this eagle and this raven dive bombing each other. so we watch for the next hour in the rain and sun the eagle and first one raven then two then three show up to kick the eagle out of this tree that is 100 ft from me to the eagle. they fight in the air and such for the next hour, then chase the eagle off. I have never been so close to one, and it was talking to me.
in all it was a beautiful day by where the ocean meets the mountains.
so I will bring Mister camera!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

learned all I know about being cold from Alaska

well it looked like it from this side of the winnie the pooh curtains. I forget that light doesn't mean warm as nice as it has been. I rained solid yesterday and oh boy did we need it...
it is still sleepy day I stayed in bed till 9:45am and everyone else is still sleeping more than an hour later. I have made tea and such startings for the day I am currently getting a start on the days medication natural or other wise.
did you know that I have 3 guys to take care of me?
J you should know who he is, CT my PCA he does far more than he gets paid for, and horse he is the recovering crack head that I get pissed at every so often and put him in deep freeze land. I learned all I know about being cold from Alaska.
(I got diverted by the morning and care and feeding the family.)
we had eggs and toast and fruit.
I am making up lamb with carrots and potatoes and elephant garlic and onion and leeks.
I am soaking it all in half and half, and spices. it will be roasted tonight or tomorrow. haven't decided.
me and CT are going swimming, hopefully soon and then we can sit in my room and watch a movie he bought on DVD. hopefully I can sit through the movie. I have trouble sitting still for more than 10 minutes.
so instead of walking today. we will swim.
the weight is coming off, and now that the cramping from the dandelion incident has subsided it is time to move again. so I am off to my day.
up by 9am sleep by 9pm.
yes I do need that much sleep, sucks but it takes my meds that long to start to wear off.
so if you see me splashing by just wave, I will be the piranha shark with the mohawk beefing up on my bare fist fighting of sharks.
I know it is okay if you don't understand, nobody does =P

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

well it was bound to happen...

I have been playing with herbs.
ginger, slippery elm, peppermint. dandelion, turmeric and such.
I make teas, and capsules out of these things.
this is what I am doing instead of taking the dr's drugs.
what happened? explosive diarrhoea!
I mixed up the dandelion with the ginger, in tea yesterday. so instead of pain relieving tea, I get "OH shit I have to shit" tea. at least that is how it works on me.
and I have muscle cramps in my lower legs.
I am on the cane today because of it.
lack of water in my system from the dandelion root.
dandelion literally translated means wets the bed.
dandelion is also a laxative!
umm, yeah fun!
but at least I figured it out before I got too sick.

Just because it is natural doesn't mean it is always safe.
I have what I figure to be a fair knowledge of these things. AND I catch this stuff before it kills me. I have a better success rate then the dr's, at least with me.
so I am learning to deal with my mistakes.
hey everyone who had the tea has a squeaky clean colon.

does it never end? I was writing this and I got interrupted by work. and I will be back and forth to this most of the day. what does work entail? stuff at the computer, on the telephone and just general screwing around. The pay is shit and non-existent but it keeps me busy, and in trouble with everyone ROFLMAO!

Fuck me,*You should see the faces of men when I say that, and I do allot*
well folks here is to the day stuck to the computer, and ahem, toilet!

Monday, May 2, 2011


even if it is government sanctioned it is still murder.
I am sorry but the ends don't justify the means.
actually I am not sorry murder is wrong.
and we have all see what an eye for an eye gets... dead children?
they hate us more than they love life.
and we hate them and all it gets us is sick or dead.

so lets celebrate whole sale murder and be glad it is "us" and not "them".


does this not sit right with anyone else?


yeah right that is what I thought. lets do it the same way we have always done it.
how many more will hate and kill us before we are done?
might makes right.

it is truly a sad day when we celebrate murder.
how many more deaths does there need to be?
they won't forgive this.
and we won't forgive them. and in 100 years our descendants will be doing the same damn thing.

lets hope we have learned something here.
probably not.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

spring has sprung...

and everyone else is too. I was okay then I get sick again like I am now.
in a great deal of pain but getting stuff done.
I broke allot of blood vessels in my face, puking for 2 hours. finally got it under control.
my body was worse for wear so Meh.
I am too tired and just wanted to post an update.
it has been better.
it has been worse.
hope everyone is well and taking it easy this Saturday late morning. hope all is well.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

well all hell has broken loose the last couple of days and now it is quiet except for the music from my computer and the sounds of spring clean up.

I am in a good spot right now. not much pain and I am feeling loved.

I have implemented some things that will help. the sign on my door. staying away from every one, and when they get near me letting them to know to be slow and cool with me or all hell will break loose.

I don't have the attention span for my usual diversions. so I walk. or I do the computer thing. or hide under my heating blanket which is where I am off to after this.

I was cooking Easter before all hell broke loose. I just left all of the food. it is sitting in the fridge, and can rot for all I care. I will have someone take care of it.

so it is not all bad, just painful.
love to all.

Monday, April 25, 2011

we will see...

if this post gets finished or not.

things went better than expected at Dr.
I am coming off of the meds to fast, and as a result I am very sick.

I am also trying to deal with all the energy and bullshit that less meds entail.

I am at the end of my rope here mentally. guys in the building are stomping my boundary's and pushing like hell cause everyone is acting badly.

the current sign on my door says: unless you have business with me(Shannon) get away from my door. if you look for J here I will call the police, ignore this at your own peril, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

I get to writing a post and all fuck breaks loose. so they sit and never get finished.

I can feel my body is starting in a flare period. what does that mean ? all I know is it will hurt, what else is new?

it always hurts. sometimes it is good, sometimes bad. always pain.
I am still losing weight, and I have a tan so I will post a picture soon when ever that is.

well so much for not losing my temper in the time it took to write this post.
if this post wasn't already dome it would have been shit canned like the dozen others, I have tired to write in the last month.

I am NOT okay here.
I need a vacation, If any one wants me I will be in my heating blanket sobbing.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Thursday, April 21, 2011


well it is the ass crack of dawn, no scratch that if you don't sleep it is night still? not at 815 am.
I have been sick all night, just one of those things and I am stressed to boot.
I see dr fucktard in over an hour.
well it should be interesting.
well wish me luck I will need it, as the damn dr is an idiot.
would he treat someone he loves like this? I think not.
I don't want him to love me just not be a total asshole and try to kill me.
I am going to ask him "what were you thinking doing what you have done?"
what do you mean? the ultram. if he gives me the drug seeking behaviour talk, I am getting up and walking out
drug. seeking. behaviour.
yeah that why I am puking everyday for the last 7 months coming off these damn meds.
I don't know weather to laugh or cry. god help me if I start doing both.
I am primed for a major melt down, I have to be really careful.
wish me well I will need it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Okay, fine...

I have been sick, what else is new?
meds or the flu that is going around? no both.
I have been up and around. my choices?
stay in bed while I am sick? I would never leave the house.
currently I am running a mild fever, puking and the like.
I figure that if I am going to be miserable I might as well make the most of it.
for the 1/2 an hour that I was out I was walking the block. this is where someone takes me and "Mister walker" my walker on a drag. anything faster than the super slow speed I go is dragging. but a block in half an hour is not bad, well not for me. I wasn't even moving this time last year.
so I am in the middle of week 2 of going down on the elavil. down to 50mgs at night. well next week I am going down again 25mgs, I will just cut the 50mg tabs in 1/2.
either I will get really sick or it will be okay. (I am planning on both)
so off to PCP that I have not seen since July of last year.
god do I feel like pressed puppy shit.
Yippy skippy!
I am trying to get water down so my migraine will go away. if I can keep the water down, hang on a sec I have to go get a puke pill! I don't ever think that I will give up puke pills. they are my one saving grace. I got the kind that dissolve under your tongue, with the watermelon taste of death. then they give you an intense headache right in the front of your head. it has to be the nutrasweet in them, yes they put neurotoxins in my puke pills! nice huh?
well a choice between tearing up what throat I have left, or aspartame. I pick the poison.
try puking every day multiple times a day for years... nice huh?
I have to leave the house at the ass crack of dawn, well for me 9am. to go see the PCP.
I will need puke pills for that, I will get to the car and barf everywhere.
not like I have eaten anything today. didn't even get my smoothie today. which is made from cold pressed hemp protein powder, juice and sometimes oat or hazel nut milk, or fruit(if I have any) and sometimes Greek yoghurt. one must do what one must do yo get the protein in, that my body will accept. and if it comes back up, it is already blended so no hassles there.
do you hate when you get the hot pricklies? I do. usually this time of day I am under my heating blanket for say 4 or so hours. I sleep when I can. well not during the day at least I have a huge issue with that, for me. I sleep at night or not at all.
the PCP I see tomorrow brought up something, that one of his esteemed colleagues brought up last time see here:
my question is this:
they knew what meds I was on when the put me on the ultram, and kept subscribing it to me knowing this. why? if it could kill me at the doses I was taking then why did they keep giving it to me?
not like it was working any ways.
these drugs even though I need some of them are poison, pure and simple.
well the last specialist I saw is going to write me a letter to accompany the referral to the rheumatologist. they are far and few between up here that will take my government sponsored health care, actually there is only one up here, most have to fly to Washington state to get help.
so he said he would do this because I don't have drug seeking behaviour. I told him that if I have to do the pain clinic thing I am dead. My drug of choice was heroin. So they want to put me on fentanyl. nice can you say I will die if I go on them? they are the last line.
so what does this mean? I am fucked and not in a good way. well it feels like it.
so I go see PCP (there are so many other names that I have been calling him in my head all during this and none are nice) so I am not happy.
and it just keeps going.
do you ever feel like it is all too much? well right now it is. I have to go and get my meds down me. this was supposed to help and now I am all riled.
Okay, fine!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

just a note!

I have had some back to back good days out in springtime land. all that stops tonight.
my next med decrease just started when I took my nightly meds. I will be puking by Thursday.
Illness is bad even when you plan for it. I hurt and I am exhausted. it will get worse before it gets better. that is okay cause it is the way it has to be.
so when I have better finger control I will type more love to all!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Guess what?

it is snowing...
okay now that we have the swearing out of the way I hope.
Fuck, nope I just looked out side again. I am off to get picture of this bullshit. will be back later with them.
what happened to breakup?
it is melting, it is intermittent snow~!
forget spring... just let most of the snow melt, and get a good rain to wash the ugly dirt away.
at least it looks kinda clean out there but not for long. it was bad enough that someone had top go do snow removal.


Snow...diminishing this afternoon. Snow accumulation 2 to 4 inches. Highs in the mid to upper 30s. South wind 10 to 20 mph. Along Turnagain Arm and higher elevations...southeast wind 15 to 30 mph becoming light by midday.

Snow showers. Additional snow accumulation 1 to 3 inches. Lows in the 20s. Light winds becoming north 10 to 15 mph after midnight.
I feel like a train hit me, but nothing new is it.
I get cold spells where I am absolutely freezing and others where I am melting, dying of heat.
last night it was hot, so the ice packs came out, and today also.
I was able to cook breakfast with 4 peoples help, and of course they got fed.
eggs-country scrambled, so that they whites and yolks are separate.
potatoes with peppers and onions and porks sausage. some pork brown and serve links, and grits.
I would be a vegetarian, except for pork and cheese.
we all sat around for 2 hours and talked while I was cooking, and we ate at our leisure. snow got removed and food was plentiful. it is nice to live in such a community with like minded people.
I have great room-mates. one of my room-mates got a date shipment, from the lower 48. he has friends that own an organic date farm, and OH MY GOODNESS the dates were delicious.
I brought out the brownies I made. boy did they go quick I made 5 pans, Saturday.
but of course they guys around here live on take-out pizza, deli food and cans of crap.
so when something resembling a home cooked meal appears, they go wild.
as all of them are bachelors, except for J. so that says it there. well at least for the guys I live with.
I know the men who read my blog might take offence at my generalization but it is what it is.
I have seen some of what passes for food for them. most of them have the pizza joints are on speed dial LOL!
I have actually had to tell a few of them "you can't cook in the kitchen" it is a war zone with the smoke alarms going off. and the smell takes forever to get out of the building.
they are a bunch of little boys in grown up bodies.
one of them said they used the oven yesterday and could still smell the brownies that I made Saturday.
I make the most of the 2 kitchens here.
so that is today. all of energy is gone. I am going to go lay down and try to get my internal temp to match the rest of the world and I hope to get a shower tonight. but that is a wait and see kinda of thing, depending on others kind of thing. made a bunch of dr's appts for this month, and I am even more mad at the dr's than I was.
I don't want to see anyone other than the rheumatologist. but I have to see PCP and get him to write my prescriptions right. they still think I am taking 3 baclofen a day and I am all but off it. no point paying for medication I am not using. time to go down the elavil, the puking all the time has stopped, and I am smelling burning every where I go. it is not a pleasant smell to hallucinate. I am going to have to have my rings resized, I keep switching for bigger fingers. I have lost that much weight. I figure near 100 lbs now. I will see when I get weighted next and that will be Thursday, when I see my psych provider. the weight is really noticeable now. so taht is my world today folks. here is something I dug up from 1981. from "The Secret Policeman's Other Ball" I first saw this on video in 1984 it has stuck with me as my favorite version of the song!

Monday, April 4, 2011

love and politics

about the size of it...

Sunday, April 3, 2011

so i am sitting here

had a big day of nothing. haven't even left my room. I am hiding.
I want a shower, I don't have the energy for a shower. and I have to have help.
CT was sick last week and I think I have it. the flu pains are telling me so.
I managed to get all of my meds down today, and I was able to eat a small salad.
Oh and I had SUGAR!!!! I was going 1 billion miles an hour. now I have lack of attention span and run over feelings. blah meh...
so now I am trying to decide what I will do. it will involve my bed, potty and a book if my eyes will focus, if not I will try to sleep.
the shower is not a good idea as I still have food in my stomach, and unless I want to clean it out of the shower... yeah right. it takes even longer.
blah is good. it keeps me out of trouble.
so here is hoping everyone has a good night, including me.
love to all.

Check for Alzheimer's

You have a better chance of getting it right if you read slowly
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can
read each line aloud without a mistake..
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6 This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

Irate Irene

that is what they called my grandmother.
she was always grandmother to me.
she used to call my father chicken legs.
and the fight would begin.
when I was little, my grandparents took care of us while my mother would work.
my parents divorced when I was 7.
So instead of getting stuck taking a nap with grandfather(which was horrid in ways I can't even begin to explain) I would hide against my grandmother.
she would be drunk, my grandmother was Irish.
she would drink to the point that she would have blackout binges for weeks.
her binges were famous.
and it was plain that she was hurting, and stuck.
she was only a woman after all.
women mean nothing unless they produce male children.
it was a very chauvinistic house hold. my grandfather held the funds. so when he died she was at a loss cause she didn't even know how to balance a check book.
she and I would talk of a time when we would leave the family, it was a secret, our secret.
we would run away, and she and I would live together. away from all of the family. and we would be able to live our lives as they should be lived.
she would cry and I would hold her, she was such a pitiful mess. drunk all over herself, crying. and wishing for anything other than the life she led.
it was our secret. the ties that bind. it made us cohorts.
she was the only one who ever loved me. not my parents and the rest. I was a burden who had yet to full fill her potential.
the only thing lower than a woman, was a woman with out children, she might as well kill herself! god forbid she wasn't doing her duty to a man and providing children. she was a waste of space and resources. better off dead...
My mother took away my ability to carry children.
thank whatever that I didn't have any. they would have been as screwed up as I was.
she was not an easy person. every thing was a fight with her.
I grew up and away. My grandfather died.
he was only human in in last years cause they basically castrated him due to cancer.
so she was alone, with all of her money, cause it was hers now.
so my youngest uncle kills himself in the downstairs of her house. almost exactly a year before she died. this happened in November of 1993. she was dead the next year.
she had been sick awhile. it was cancer.
she died in November of 1994.
after my uncle died, I spent almost 2 months with her, alone.
it was what we had dreamed of all of my life. it was the hardest and best 2 months of my life up to that point. My grandmother was the love of my life, the only person that loved me.
the love was sick, but it was better than nothing else I had. then she kicked me out of her life.
she told me that she was sick. well I knew that I was cleaning up after her. she sat me down and we had a talk, well she talked and I listened. she said that she probably would be dead by the end of the year and that she was sure it was cancer, it was.
she also told me that she didn't want me to remember her as and invalid.
and she sent me away.
I raged against her, and she would not give.
after 6 months and her surgery had passed she finally relented.
it was the last time I would ever see her alive.
she was thin. she never weighted over 100 except when she was pregnant.
she was starving herself to death, not by choice. the cancer was all over by that point, she was in diapers and hooked up to a morphine drip.
she was dying, by inches, one second at a time. she told me she loved me and that I had to go and never come back.
that is when something inside me started to die. the rest of me went the day she died in November of 1994. I would call every day as I had for almost 9 months, hoping to be told to fuck off. there was no answer. I knew she was dead.
my life as I knew it was over. the only person who had ever loved me was dead. my best friend was gone, my partner in crime.
I turned to drugs, I was a whore to pay for my habit.
it didn't matter my life was over.
so many years later when I woke up from the coma that my last overdose put me in, I was angry. I was sick of the life I had. all of these things contributed to my life as it is today.
a better life, one never dreamed possible.
I am in pain, and you know what, so what?
we have our defining moments in life. we all have our pain.
I actually have people who love me. who ever thought that I would have love?
not me, ever. I was damaged. I could never get my parents to love me.
what was so wrong with me?
nothing, it was never me. it was them, some defect in them, there failure of me.
such a small being I was. all I did was be born to defective, deficient people.
that is just what it was, and the way they are.
I decided I was better than that, that I deserved to be loved and I didn't have to settle for assholes.
so I had to stop being an asshole.
I found things in myself to love, which was really hard.
after all of the shit that I was taught to believe, it was almost impossible.
but not quite.
and I found people that love me. My stars that was something that I just could not believe.
today lots of people love me, and I take it quite for granted.
why would they not love me?
I am adorable, and fun and all kinds of other neat things.
I am still a terror, and I get moody and sometimes (well allot) I am in pain. you know what? I have always been in allot of pain of some sort.
I would not trade today for anything.
I am happy, although you would never know it by my posts.
sometimes this is a hard place to be.
this is my life, more than I would of ever hoped for.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

the fairy princess and the porn star!

needless to say I am in a far better mood than I was yesterday, lets see how long it lasts.
since I am going off meds that are psychotropic they effect my brain chemicals.
I was drawn into myself last night. J got me out of it, as I no longer depend on them to regulate my moods. I have to be self regulating. which when you are learning how to be for the first time in your life it really hard. I know that this place has been a downer lately, but this is my life.
so what does the title have to do with anything?
I am the fairy princess. J has the 1970's porn star look.
he shaved his head and shaved his beard and left his moustache. he looks like a porn star. we got to giggling so hard it was hilarious. he was fine with it as long as he isn't the fairy porn star.
I don't think he could deal with the wings.
did you know that I have fairy wings?
I can't get through the door when I wear then.
then we have the magic wand/large knife drawer. it fits my chef knives and magic wands.
perfectly normal huh?
well I started this post 8 hours ago.
my right eye feels like it exploded.
I finally got a shower with help. so now it is a job to get under my heating blanket.
It is very hard to continue to write so I will be back later with another post.
love to all!

Friday, April 1, 2011

well gee..

I am in a pissy mood. I feel like I am in a cage.
this room I live in is a cage, well it sure feels like it right now.
I just watched "I spit on your grave". if you are not up for torture then I don't suggest it.
if you want to see some shit bags get what they have coming then it is awesome.
it is about a woman who is raped repeatedly and gets back at her 5 attackers.
she brutally kills all of then not before she tortures them all to death.
every rape victim has these fantasies, killing their attacker(s).
God know I have had them.
from the time I could read I have had them.
hurting the way I was hurt, taking them out of the equation permanently.
So they could never do it again to me.
well lets just say that maybe the movie was not such a great idea.
cause now I want some one to bleed for what has been done to me.
it isn't going to happen, cause I don't have that luxury.
why can't someone else who deserves it hurt?
because that is not the way the world works.
no I get to keep all the pain...
I have some thinking to do.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Welcome to...

the guy in the blue silk taffeta dress. hope you enjoy your visit and thanks so much for your comments. I will be emailing you privately to answer any of your ?'s.
everyone make him welcome!

Sunday, March 27, 2011


I have been sick the last couple of days. with my period, and my body from the waist down is in hard pain. it comes in waves. it hits and all I can do is writhe in pain, and have to go to the bathroom or puke. sometimes both.
so I have been trying for the last couple of days to find as much joy as I can when I am not in pain. it is so hard because I get so tired on the other end of the pain.
I am just exhausted. so only basic needs are getting met most of the time.
I am finding little bits of joy here and there. and I am refraining from getting angry as it makes my pain worse. so that is that.
this week I am going to follow up with the rheumatologist, and try to get in to see them.
so other than relaxing and trying to keep up with things that is it.
love to all.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Of faith and devotion...

this will be a hard piece to read, even harder to write. if you are squeamish please don't read this post, it will just upset you.
now that the disclaimer is out read if you feel you can handle it. we are going to look inside my head and into my past. this is your last warning.

I lost my faith at 3, along with a host of other things. I would also say my virginity, but when you are forced, and raped. well I guess it doesn't count now does it?

I was told about God, Jesus, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and Santa Claus. this next comment will piss some people off but what the hell? like all imaginary things, you learn to discount all of it, as pure nonsense.
If there is a God he is a sadist, with a sick sense of humor.
hmmm... you say?
how can I say that?
come walk in my shoes for a minute. Don't worry, I promise it will hurt like hell.
My mother owned a gun, a hand gun a .357. a big heavy thing.
and she knew how to use it.
My mother would sit on her bed, the one she did things to me in.
that mattress had more of my blood than I liked.
My mother had a game, do you know what it was?
"I'm gonna blow my brains out because you don't love me enough"
I never knew if it was loaded.
I would cry and beg her not to do this, that I loved her, and to please for the love of god to stop.
sometimes she would smile and tell me she loved me and then she would hurt me.
sometimes she would pull the trigger and the gun was empty.
one time in particular she was doing her game and I smacked her hand back, the gun went off, and shot out the window behind her.
the police were called and she said that me and my brother was playing with the gun, and it went off. she got a slap on the hand had to pay for the window and we got beat once again.
hell she didn't even have to have a reason it was good fun for her.

I have a few friends that are particularly religious, very strong in there faith and belief. I applaud then for that. they have something that I have failed to connect to.
I love them and wish them well.

I can not subscribe to something that I don't believe or see the point of.
disagree with me, I believe in your right to believe and to disagree with me.
Just quit feeding me crap that I don't subscribe to.
I am polite and they take it as a sign that I am interested.
I will be 41 in June, wow another year has past already.
I think I am way past time that I am okay with what I do and don't believe.
hell? if I believe in hell then I must believe in God?
I don't have to believe in hell, I have lived through it.
I know exactly what people are capable of, in there sicknesses.
I had a family full of them.
how did this post start? I woke up screaming at 545am.
I have not been back to sleep and it going on just past 5 hours ago.
things that are my nightmares? you've been introduced to my darling mother...
isn't she lovely? don't you wish you had one just like her?
I have no doubt that she is not alone in her sickness.
so here is to the day that my mother dies, hopefully she will leave screaming like I woke up this morning. Oh and I am totally over being angry at my mother. (well I am obviously not but hell everyone lies to themselves)
so don't lie to me about some imaginary god that loves me.
I see no evidence of his great love.
everything I have I have worked to damn hard for.
I stopped believing in fairy tales alone time ago.
the video is gory, but you were warned this would not be a nice post so Oh Well!

just what I get from waking up in the morning.
today will be stellar!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

okay, fine.

I have been really sick the last couple of days.
not my usual pain and crap, no I couldn't get that lucky.
stuck in bed barely able to walk to the bathroom at the end of my bed.
we went down on the elavil, 7 days ago.
so I have just been hiding, reading and sleeping when I could.
I am just bone weary tired, and everything hurts, but when doesn't it?
so same shit different day.
you may all carry on as you were!
I will just be here puking from drug withdrawals. why am I even on these meds?
cause the stupid dr's put me on them, because that is what our health system does.
blink, I got a pill for that, your cold? got a pill for that. your fat? lets cut you apart.
I have lost allot of weight recently. 70+lbs.
I got some new clothes, 2 people told me "god have you lost weight?"
guys are starting to notice me as a woman.
and that is the last thing I want.
see my soul not the hole.
I know TMI!? well then don't read.
I want to be seen as a person.
it wont always happen but what the fuck?
I am going to take off my new clothes put something very slovenly and go on with my life.
that is all! thanks for reading.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

it is breakup, the predessor to spring!

where I live we are in breakup with 40 some odd degrees at this point, full sun and the mold and spores are out! this is a nasty season for allergies. that blue thing that I was holding in the last posts pictures, my asthma inhaler, lovely huh?
well speaking of breakup and spring, this is a happening around where I live.
we are getting a slight makeover here. 4 of the rooms will get new carpet and paint. that is 1/4th of the building. fortunately we have a few empty room, and can shuffle my room-mates around.
with the curtains that I made last summer and the room numbers that I painted, and the small decorating that I did, this place is a far cry from when I moved in 6 years ago.
we keep getting carpets replace or cleaned, and paint and repairs when we need it.
like a said a far cry from what it was when I moved in here. I help rent the rooms as a favor to J. he does it to keep the owner happy and we have a clean quiet safe place to live.
definitely a better class of tenant.
I do this for a better place to live.
well I have had a guy, call and call and call. 11 phone calls in 32 hours.
calling at the wrong hours. leaving me messages, and general nonsense.
like making his own appointments, and him saying "I just need an anchorage address, to make my parole officer happy."
his crimes are alcohol related, 2+ DUI's resisting arrest, property destruction, and assorted shit idiots do when they are drunk. two of the DUI's last year. needless to say he is in court ordered treatment.
we have a HUGE alcohol problem here in Alaska. what else is there to do? eat, fight, fuck and drink. I live in one of the cities Ghetto's, Fairview.
it is a run down neighbourhood that only sports one very expensive really shitty grocery store.
on the block that I am on there are 2 bars, a motel attached to one of them, where all the drug dealers live as they move from this area of town to spenard and mountain view, and back.
on the next block is the store and another liquor store, and 2 blocks down another liquor store and another bar.
you get that right?
5 places of alcohol in a 5 block radius.
around dividend time someone always dies a block from here of alcohol poisoning. every single year without fail.
we have a police substation right across the street.
yeah, right. and a crack house 100 feet from the substation. they just move from place to place.
I share the alley with the motel/bar. I watch drug deals from my kitchen window.
whoopee. we are always calling the community service patrol to come get the worst of the drunks so they can have a safe place to sleep it off, and not die of alcohol poisoning in the dark and cold. in the summer it is free for all out in the alley and street.
it is also a friendly neighbourhood, with people you see around all the time, the regulars.

I am one of those fixtures. trying to do the best I can for those around me. dealing with my block. there really isn't allot I can do most of the time. these people carry guns.
but for those in my building I can do my best. IF they are part of the solution.
slowly we make gains and try to help the building.
You do NOT come into my house and make demands of me.
you ask nicely, I will respond in kind.
you cross my boundary's and you are on your own, cut off.
there is no way else to be.
so that is today.