Wednesday, July 27, 2011


things are better. life goes on.
I see my psych provider today then my therapist next week.
all is good in Shannon land.
I want to to thank those who read this. it is hard to read and even harder to write.
I have never been one for writing, it makes me accountable.
but here I am and I am writing...
thanks for all the love and support.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I found out that I have to go to family if I want info.
you know what? it isn't worth it to me right now.
she died in a long term facility, probably hooked up to tubes and drugged out of her mind.
hopefully it was quick and painless.
my mother was there when my grandmother passed and apparently she went out screaming.
I hope that she was ready and it was quick, and she just passed peacefully.
it is what I would want for myself, well not the tube and drugged up part I can do with out that.
My relatives are viscous, and they scare the shit out of me.
I just don't need that in my life.
I am okay and things are well and I just don't think about things.
eventually things always work themselves out. they just do and it is what it is.
I would rather live my life the way I have apart from them.
even it means that I don't know details. I won't have the hassles either.
I have my own family and my own life, what I have always wanted.
what else is there?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Thank you

I have really great friends.

there us so much unfinished business with my mother.
I am not the only one who goes through this.
I called the hospital that my mother died at to get more info with out going to family.
that is something that I don't want to do, deal with that bunch of psychopaths.
I will hear back eventually. hopefully I can piece her last days together in my head.
I do love her, I just could not deal with her and stay safe. she had such a need to hurt, herself and others. can't stop loving and hating her.
hate is something that sits with you for years, it eats your soul alive and whole.
hate is allot like revenge, when you plan revenge dig two graves, theirs and yours.
I would like to get through this with the minim of fuss. find out what I need to know.
the vultures have already picked everything clean.
(my mother told me the last time I saw her last year that she wanted her stuff to go to some one who deserved it. I wished her luck in finding that person, and I would not discuss it further)
some pictures would be nice, that's all I want, some damn pictures!
but umm, yeah that is really going to happen.
I made my goodbyes the last time I saw her, as I had for years every time I saw her. Maybe that is why there are no tears as they were all cried such a very long time ago. and there are so many of them left in other areas that I need my tears for me.
that was the decision that I made years ago: me or Her. I tried for a long time to try to give us both what we wanted, at my total expense.
that is the way it was her or me.
I knew her better than anyone else ever did, I kept her secrets and held her pain, and she abused me terribly. She Always came first. that was no way to live my life.
I wanted all the things I saw other have. I finally have that.
I am happy.
she is dead, and gone.
life goes on.
I miss what could have been but I have had that all my live wanting what others had.
thanks so much for all the love.
you guys rock.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I think I am okay...

My mother is dead.
oh shit.
I do know this. I did everything the way I am not ashamed of.
our lack of a relationship was her fault, and the fact I would not let her walk on me, in me or through me.
It hurts to know that nothing will be set straight.
I am not really very happy right now.
when has MY happiness ever mattered?
I have no idea where this is going, stay tuned.
BTW thanks for all the love, you guys are better than my family.
that is saying allot.

Friday, July 22, 2011

the monster is dead.

Pamela Rae Gratrix-Wilson, 67, passed away May 31, 2011, at St. Elias Specialty Hospital in Anchorage.

She was born Oct. 17, 1943, in Ohio.

She moved with her parents and siblings, becoming a resident of Anchorage in 1951. She was a true Alaska girl at heart.

Pamela was a fun, good-natured woman with a heart of gold. She enjoyed drawing and other art forms, as well as being a very good storyteller. As a young woman, Pamela was involved with Job's Daughters.

She graduated from West Anchorage High School in 1963. Pamela then went on to further her education and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts (cum laude) from Alaska Pacific University in 1990. Pamela continued her education and artwork throughout her life.

Pamela found joy in spending time with her family and friends. She loved a good joke and a great meal. She had an eye for color and loved gnomes. She had an adventurous spirit that will live on in those who loved her most.

She is survived by her brothers, Erldon Gratrix Jr. and Kris Gratrix; sisters-in-law, Wendi Gratrix and Sharon Gratrix; her children, Seann and Shannon; many nieces, nephews, great-nieces and great-nephews with whom she was very close, both in Anchorage and in Minnesota; and many friends and caretakers.

Pamela was preceded in death by her parents, Erldon and Irene Gratrix, and brother, John Robert (J.R.) Gratrix, with whom she was very close.

A service will be at 4 p.m. Tuesday at ChangePoint Church, 6689 ChangePoint Drive.

Arrangements were entrusted to Legacy Funeral Home Kehl's Chapel.

I found out today, from a acquaintance that my Mother the monster died, almost 2 months ago.
My God I am related to these people...
there are no tears.
Both of my parents have been dead to me for years now.
All I can sit here with is a sense of relief.
The monster is dead and will never hurt me again.
I am surprisingly happy.
the only question is why did it take so long for me to find out?
My relatives know where I am. it is not like I am in hiding. they find me when it is convenient for them.
that is what gets me. that and that crappy obituary, who wrote that drivel?
"Pamela was a fun, good-natured woman with a heart of gold."
My mother was fun~ in the rip the eyelids off of kittens kind of way.
Good natured? she was vicious and knew how to draw blood.
yeah her heart was made of gold : hard shiny and not much use.
God finally answered my prayers and killed her.
All I have is this over whelming sense of relief that the bitch is dead.
why did it take so long?
If I hadn't had such a Jones about hurting myself, what would it of been like?
in walks my mother.

she raped and beat and starved me and I think it is far time that this stage of my life is over and I can start on the rest of my life with out that bitch hanging over my head.

Monday, July 11, 2011

bush babies...

Click the title for more info. these beautiful creatures are almost extinct.
dealing with humans stresses them out and they tend to kill themselves in captivity, by smashing there heads where there soft spot is. the DO NOT thrive in captivity, they need fresh live bugs and to be left alone as they are nocturnal, and need to sleep.
it is tragic how these animals are being let to die out.
they are adorable, and so very fragile.