Thursday, June 14, 2012

Bappy Hirth day to me

well it is today. I have already thrown up my meds this am, and picked them back out re ate them and puked them again. Oh I am back on meds. Neurontin 900mgs(yes I know that is more than you were taking Shannon) Latuda (don't even ask, I am tired of it raining in the house and the dandelions swearing at me) and Dronabinal (yes isn't that the marijuana pill?) why yes it is and considering I can't even hold my meds down right now what else am I supposed to do? I am living on Gatorade, bananas, rice and apple sauce. oh and I am down to 350ish lbs. I have gone from being morbidly obese to extremely obese, my BMI is between 53 and 54. I blend now in with people as I am not the biggest person by any means. I have lost 160lbs now. WHOO HOOO!!!!! so I am off back to bed, then there will be today and tomorrow to celebrate. I just wish J was here and intact. it makes this day somewhat sad for me, but oh well isn't that just the way it is? happy day to all, may today bring you all your hopes and dreams!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

May, may be my best month

My uncle is dead. he died in May, this may to be exact. My mother last May. next May my last Uncle? then all the monsters will be dead.
well tomorrow is my 42nd birthday. J doesn't even know. he is too wrapped up in his own self pity to do anyone including himself any good. every time I talk to him is worse than before. soon I will have to sever all contact with him, that is how bad he has gotten. he is abusive, manipulative, and just down right nasty. I wont even get into what he is doing it is just so unreal, except that he is making things worse.

he tries to make me feel guilty, so I will rescue him. and everything I offer to do isn't good enough. "when he was in control of my life..." the pure shit that comes out of his mouth is awful and I am tired of it.
on the good side tomorrow is my birthday, and we will get to see a movie in the theater. the apartment is getting fixed, and it is just beautiful. I have a yard to sit in the sun if it ever stops raining, and a garden hose.

you all know how much I love water right? a shower with 2 shower heads, and a garden hose. I am in heaven.
it would just be complete if J would get his head out his ass. it isn't that simple.
so I go on with the help of all of my lovely friends (you know who you are out there and I love you for it) esp CT and Freedom, who are in my day to day off computer life, who always have a hug and a shoulder for me to cry on and love to give me when my heart is breaking, either by phone or in person.
to the rest of you who always comment (that is you Kymbo, and Beth and so on....)
you guys are my true birthday presents, the ones that love me all year long, and for that i am forever grateful, and you have all my love.
this is my birthday wish, to have a good day and not have my heart broken on my birthday... it just feels wrong to exclude J. but he isn't himself anymore, he is the lowest part of himself the angry 2 year old that isn't getting his way and he doesn't care who he hurts or destroys to get what he wants. funny thing he isn't getting anything being the way he is except people mad at him and I can't take the guilt trips.
: note to self : be nice when you lose your mind as others have to clean up the mess and it will not make them happy with you if you are a meanie. I am learning so much about myself watching all of this happen. I am strong and I have done everything I can, and if there is anyone at fault it isn't me. Happy BIRTHDAY to me. I love me and that is enough. love and fishy fishes.