Thursday, March 31, 2011

Welcome to...

the guy in the blue silk taffeta dress. hope you enjoy your visit and thanks so much for your comments. I will be emailing you privately to answer any of your ?'s.
everyone make him welcome!

Sunday, March 27, 2011


I have been sick the last couple of days. with my period, and my body from the waist down is in hard pain. it comes in waves. it hits and all I can do is writhe in pain, and have to go to the bathroom or puke. sometimes both.
so I have been trying for the last couple of days to find as much joy as I can when I am not in pain. it is so hard because I get so tired on the other end of the pain.
I am just exhausted. so only basic needs are getting met most of the time.
I am finding little bits of joy here and there. and I am refraining from getting angry as it makes my pain worse. so that is that.
this week I am going to follow up with the rheumatologist, and try to get in to see them.
so other than relaxing and trying to keep up with things that is it.
love to all.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Of faith and devotion...

this will be a hard piece to read, even harder to write. if you are squeamish please don't read this post, it will just upset you.
now that the disclaimer is out read if you feel you can handle it. we are going to look inside my head and into my past. this is your last warning.

I lost my faith at 3, along with a host of other things. I would also say my virginity, but when you are forced, and raped. well I guess it doesn't count now does it?

I was told about God, Jesus, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and Santa Claus. this next comment will piss some people off but what the hell? like all imaginary things, you learn to discount all of it, as pure nonsense.
If there is a God he is a sadist, with a sick sense of humor.
hmmm... you say?
how can I say that?
come walk in my shoes for a minute. Don't worry, I promise it will hurt like hell.
My mother owned a gun, a hand gun a .357. a big heavy thing.
and she knew how to use it.
My mother would sit on her bed, the one she did things to me in.
that mattress had more of my blood than I liked.
My mother had a game, do you know what it was?
"I'm gonna blow my brains out because you don't love me enough"
I never knew if it was loaded.
I would cry and beg her not to do this, that I loved her, and to please for the love of god to stop.
sometimes she would smile and tell me she loved me and then she would hurt me.
sometimes she would pull the trigger and the gun was empty.
one time in particular she was doing her game and I smacked her hand back, the gun went off, and shot out the window behind her.
the police were called and she said that me and my brother was playing with the gun, and it went off. she got a slap on the hand had to pay for the window and we got beat once again.
hell she didn't even have to have a reason it was good fun for her.

I have a few friends that are particularly religious, very strong in there faith and belief. I applaud then for that. they have something that I have failed to connect to.
I love them and wish them well.

I can not subscribe to something that I don't believe or see the point of.
disagree with me, I believe in your right to believe and to disagree with me.
Just quit feeding me crap that I don't subscribe to.
I am polite and they take it as a sign that I am interested.
I will be 41 in June, wow another year has past already.
I think I am way past time that I am okay with what I do and don't believe.
hell? if I believe in hell then I must believe in God?
I don't have to believe in hell, I have lived through it.
I know exactly what people are capable of, in there sicknesses.
I had a family full of them.
how did this post start? I woke up screaming at 545am.
I have not been back to sleep and it going on just past 5 hours ago.
things that are my nightmares? you've been introduced to my darling mother...
isn't she lovely? don't you wish you had one just like her?
I have no doubt that she is not alone in her sickness.
so here is to the day that my mother dies, hopefully she will leave screaming like I woke up this morning. Oh and I am totally over being angry at my mother. (well I am obviously not but hell everyone lies to themselves)
so don't lie to me about some imaginary god that loves me.
I see no evidence of his great love.
everything I have I have worked to damn hard for.
I stopped believing in fairy tales alone time ago.
the video is gory, but you were warned this would not be a nice post so Oh Well!

just what I get from waking up in the morning.
today will be stellar!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

okay, fine.

I have been really sick the last couple of days.
not my usual pain and crap, no I couldn't get that lucky.
stuck in bed barely able to walk to the bathroom at the end of my bed.
we went down on the elavil, 7 days ago.
so I have just been hiding, reading and sleeping when I could.
I am just bone weary tired, and everything hurts, but when doesn't it?
so same shit different day.
you may all carry on as you were!
I will just be here puking from drug withdrawals. why am I even on these meds?
cause the stupid dr's put me on them, because that is what our health system does.
blink, I got a pill for that, your cold? got a pill for that. your fat? lets cut you apart.
I have lost allot of weight recently. 70+lbs.
I got some new clothes, 2 people told me "god have you lost weight?"
guys are starting to notice me as a woman.
and that is the last thing I want.
see my soul not the hole.
I know TMI!? well then don't read.
I want to be seen as a person.
it wont always happen but what the fuck?
I am going to take off my new clothes put something very slovenly and go on with my life.
that is all! thanks for reading.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

it is breakup, the predessor to spring!

where I live we are in breakup with 40 some odd degrees at this point, full sun and the mold and spores are out! this is a nasty season for allergies. that blue thing that I was holding in the last posts pictures, my asthma inhaler, lovely huh?
well speaking of breakup and spring, this is a happening around where I live.
we are getting a slight makeover here. 4 of the rooms will get new carpet and paint. that is 1/4th of the building. fortunately we have a few empty room, and can shuffle my room-mates around.
with the curtains that I made last summer and the room numbers that I painted, and the small decorating that I did, this place is a far cry from when I moved in 6 years ago.
we keep getting carpets replace or cleaned, and paint and repairs when we need it.
like a said a far cry from what it was when I moved in here. I help rent the rooms as a favor to J. he does it to keep the owner happy and we have a clean quiet safe place to live.
definitely a better class of tenant.
I do this for a better place to live.
well I have had a guy, call and call and call. 11 phone calls in 32 hours.
calling at the wrong hours. leaving me messages, and general nonsense.
like making his own appointments, and him saying "I just need an anchorage address, to make my parole officer happy."
his crimes are alcohol related, 2+ DUI's resisting arrest, property destruction, and assorted shit idiots do when they are drunk. two of the DUI's last year. needless to say he is in court ordered treatment.
we have a HUGE alcohol problem here in Alaska. what else is there to do? eat, fight, fuck and drink. I live in one of the cities Ghetto's, Fairview.
it is a run down neighbourhood that only sports one very expensive really shitty grocery store.
on the block that I am on there are 2 bars, a motel attached to one of them, where all the drug dealers live as they move from this area of town to spenard and mountain view, and back.
on the next block is the store and another liquor store, and 2 blocks down another liquor store and another bar.
you get that right?
5 places of alcohol in a 5 block radius.
around dividend time someone always dies a block from here of alcohol poisoning. every single year without fail.
we have a police substation right across the street.
yeah, right. and a crack house 100 feet from the substation. they just move from place to place.
I share the alley with the motel/bar. I watch drug deals from my kitchen window.
whoopee. we are always calling the community service patrol to come get the worst of the drunks so they can have a safe place to sleep it off, and not die of alcohol poisoning in the dark and cold. in the summer it is free for all out in the alley and street.
it is also a friendly neighbourhood, with people you see around all the time, the regulars.

I am one of those fixtures. trying to do the best I can for those around me. dealing with my block. there really isn't allot I can do most of the time. these people carry guns.
but for those in my building I can do my best. IF they are part of the solution.
slowly we make gains and try to help the building.
You do NOT come into my house and make demands of me.
you ask nicely, I will respond in kind.
you cross my boundary's and you are on your own, cut off.
there is no way else to be.
so that is today.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

food for though or how I got dragged through the woods.

CT and I go for outings, allot he is in school still, he makes time for me.
he takes me to allot of my appts with dr's, and has to pick up the pieces when a Dr has destroyed me, and I am in tears.
My pain is increased as I am in flare.
what does that mean? My usual 6 or 7 is a 10 or more.
I can barely walk and when I leave the house I am in my walker full time.
my hands are not working as well as they did.
I was leaving the house today to go mail something, and I went to reach for something, and my hand didn't close around it well. after the explosion was over, a dish was in pieces and all over my front room. I had to sit down and wait for J to come help me clean it up. he thinks I am moving too fast. that is some of it, but not all of it. I have noticed it typing and trying to click out of things, thank whatever for spell check...
I am not as medicated these days. I am a very hyper person. I twitch and tweak, all the time. I am always trying to do 4 things at a time. four seemed like as good a number as any.
so I am not keeping to subject as well, and everything distracts me.
the last two days have been a series of failed attempts to get much done.
here go for a walk with me, or in my case a drag.
cause he was dragging me when I wasn't trying to catch him.

good now that I am exhausted I can go to bed.
(that was last week)

I am running a low fever and in allot of pain. I was going to write more but I am too tired.
I have another dr appt tomorrow, so I am off to bed for my 11 hours of sleep to feel half dead and nauseous!


the elavil decrease started last night.
I have been quiet for a couple of days now.
I am unhappy.
I don't like what the Dr told me.
(see last post)
well life goes on.
I am in flare right now. what does that mean? it means my pain of a constant 6 or 7, goes up to over 10. I could barely walk yesterday.
got stuff done though. Just used my walker, and held on to J.
properties don't rent themselves...
J really babied me.
and we went and started looking at possible stuff for the wedding registry. dishes and such.
not that I need a toaster or anything.
I like knives, for cooking. I still do allot of stuff by hand, which will have to slow down due to the fact that my hands aren't working as well. one of my good friends got me a mini food processor. that chops and grinds. I am using it more. and other handy things.
I love all of the convenience that these object provide.
I still use my mortar and pestle, every once in a while having it helps.
I have a therapy appt today. whatever.
I have a post on my drag in the woods, but it will be soon.
thanks for reading.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

NO!... really?

saw the Dr. today. completely stressed myself out. My stomach is still pissed. he is lowering the elavil 25mgs at a time.
I am at such a loss here.
we talked about my future, fuck!
I just keep telling myself to breath.
he talked about kidney biopsies, interstint, and pain pump with Fentanyl.
I am still in shock.
All I want... what do I want?
I want it to stop hurting.
I finally get to a place where I am almost all okay with me. and the physical pain is making me crazy.
crazier, I guess.
after I get done with the Dr. me and CT go for a drive.
we went to the woods buy the airport. we went for a walk. it was sunny and kinda warm. me, him, and my walker.
I love my walker. you know what? it handles great in the snow, and with help(he took me for a drag) we got up and down hills and such.
yeah me with my haircut yesterday(shaved head and all), walking in the woods with my walker.
and I had my camera in my bag but I took it out this morning. so no pictures.
there is nothing like listening to the jets take off and the woods are silent.
my head hurts I am off to bed with my heating blanket. I have the rest of my life for this.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

what was I doing again?

hell if I know? ... I see a Dr tomorrow that I would swore I would never see again.
cause he is the prescribing Dr for the next medicine I want off of. the one that causes great gaps in my memory. I am on a pretty high dose of it. can't cut the pill in 1/2 cause I can't guarantee that that part will have 1/2 a dose in it. never know where the filler is in it.
Zanna is having the same problem. she is on a med she wants off of. so what does she do? she pulls apart the capsules and takes out 10 to 15 of the little beads until she can start pulling more out.
think old time Contact caps. God does that date me...
the Dr's want her to stay on it.
If I want off I will make them take me off of it, or figure out how to do it on my own.
I am so done with these Dr's.
Because I am crazy, they treat me like a misbehaving 3 year old on a sugar high.
I hate being talked down to.
so what do I want from the man?
I want the elavil cut, at least in half depending how sick I get.
I expect to be puking in a week, with no tolerance for light or any other stimulant.
this on top of my pain.
I want a definite diagnosis, as to what is wrong with me. it all has to be related, as it is in my body. a referral to another specialist, yet again.
this Dr tomorrow, I just don't know. I want help. I want it to work. I want answers.
I am not happy just to do what they tell me too, take this and do this.
it is never that simple.


You have to learn to pace yourself
You're just like everybody else
You've only had to run so far
So good
But you will come to a place
Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face
And you'll have to deal with

You used to call me paranoid
But even you cannot avoid
You turned the tap dance into your crusade
Now here you are with your faith
And your Peter Pan advice
You have no scars on your face
And you cannot handle

All grown up and no place to go
Psych 1, Psych 2
What do you know?
All your life is channel 13
Sesame Street
What does it mean?

(I'll tell you what it means)

Don't ask for help
You're all alone
You'll have to answer
To your own
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are in the ninth
Two men out and three men on
Nowhere to look but inside
Where we all respond to

All your life is Time Magazine
I read it too
What does it mean?


I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are with your faith
And your Peter Pan advice
You have no scars on your face
And you cannot handle
One, two, three, four

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Moose kicks woman who came too close in Town Square

Moose kicks woman who came too close in Town Square

A FAILED PETTING ATTEMPT: Victim is not seriously injured.


Published: March 8th, 2011 02:37 PM
Last Modified: March 8th, 2011 02:37 PM

A moose kicked a woman in Town Square Park Monday afternoon after she got too close to the animal and reportedly tried to pet it, according to Anchorage police.

The moose kicked the unidentified woman several times -- including in the chest and shoulder -- but she was not injured badly enough to go to the hospital, according to police spokeswoman Anita Shell.

Police were called to Town Square at about 4:40 p.m. and medics checked the woman and determined she was OK, Shell said.

Witnesses told police that the moose kicked the woman, in her 20s, after she tried to pet it as it walked by, Shell said.

The moose was spotted in Town Square throughout the day on Monday, feeding on trees. The moose was still hanging around at the downtown park after police arrived and the woman left at around 5 p.m.

"At this time, we are telling people not to agitate the moose ... to give it space," Shell said.

Anchorage police said they did not request that state biologists deal with the moose because the animal wasn't going after anyone unprovoked.

"It was just doing what moose do," Shell said.

Read more:

Moose are not pets!

Stress Buster Pictures


It's Friggin' Freezing. There's snow up my ass, all the food's covered with 3 feet of this white shit, and you want ME to sing? What?? Anne Murray's "Snowbird"? Piss Off!! Next year, I'm flyin' to Jamaica, and smoke dope!!
How to save on toilet paper

Works for me!

Friday, March 4, 2011


well I am doing somewhat better.
my going down on meds has stopped. we went down on the trazadone and my head nearly exploded. migraine force 10+. so I had some stashed and replaced it, it took all night for it to stop and now my damn head hurts from hurting. J went to the pharmacy to pick up the rest to get me through until I see my psych provider. I am warming up left overs, and we will eat together and then I will crawl under my heating blanket, not pad, blanket...
it is one of my most favorite things in the whole world.
I sit and play with the lighted dial, as it casts shadows on my wall, as I am falling asleep. it is amazing that something so simple could be so wonderful.
I have massive Dr appts this next week. back to see the Dr that I never want to see again, to get me off the elavil. went and saw PC (primary Care) Dr. yesterday. he is a new one as I could not tolerate the last one. he sits down and launches into a tramadol fit that I could get serotonin syndrome, and die. well as of 2 weeks ago I am off of it, took me a year to go off of it safely.
he looked at me, blinked, and said, "that must of been rough".
ya think?
they really have no idea, do they?
so he moved on to some other rant...
he kept looking at me though, like he wasn't really sure.
we got back to meds and I told him that I intend to go off of every med possible.
he said "so basically you are screwed" when we talked of my pain. what else am I supposed to do?
they have no answers that I like, he told me it would be a good idea if I looked into the pain clinic, again.
what part of "Oh HELL NO!" don't they get?
more pain pills, yeah right. that is the answer.
MY LIVER WILL FAIL. too much medicine for too long.
I have been medicated for 27 years, straight.
I will have to stay on some things, but as much of it that can go will.
it is going to be a very uncomfortable year, what else is new?

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


I know this blog has taken an unexpected turn.
it may sound like it is bad, well it is. it is good too.
this is where I come to bitch about things.

I don't do pushy people. AT ALL.

I am trying to rent an property. that is what I do.
besides daily minor miracles.
I have one property in a really swank area.
I mainly do this because most of it is computer work. most of it.
there is the part I hate. phone calls, and dealing with pushy people that have to have it now.
only thing is it doesn't work with me.
there is a certain type of person I am looking for.
laid back, non pushy, people who are willing to work with you.
I have 4 other tenants in the building that I have to make happy.
people have to be quite, clean, responsible, and have great credit(not my idea, it is what the owner of the building wants) (he wants to make sure that they will not trash the place)
people are calling me 6 times a day, the same person. "I know I called and bugged you yesterday BUT..." I have 1/2 a dozen people doing this, all female.
one called and said. "HI my name is ________ and I am a psychologist, please call me back about the property." what a is she going to give the property therapy?
really now.
she is not the only one.
unfortunately she is the medium right now.
I block there phone # and they call from another phone.
so eventually I have to tell them, "you are being pushy, and that won't work. when I have an open appt I will call you back. if I don't call back then I have rented it."
I won't call back. EVER.
actually I just called her and the other and was as rude as humanly possible.
petty, I know. it felt really good.
have a bad mood? spread it around,

not nice huh?
when people behave badly around me, I tend to get really pissed.
I HAVE to behave. think that the same bullshit will work with me? nope.
get in line, take a number, get a clue.
My pain level is through the roof today. my hair hurts, my teeth hurt, what doesn't hurt? not much.
I do like what I do when I don't have to deal with complete idiots.
so for now I wade through what is coming in, and hope that soon the right person comes along. I will know them when I talk to them.
it may not be still Fucken February. it sure feels like it.

now as to the love I have been getting from my followers that comment, thanks!
I am having my rough times, I am pissed, I have every right to be.
if I don't get this out safely I will hurt myself.
I always do.
so this is the place that I have to vent. my choice.
it will be rough to read, it is hell to feel it.
this is not a happy shiny place any more.
read if you want but the disclaimer reads like this:
ugly and putrid, welcome to the shit that sits in my head and is killing me slowly.
it will not be fun, it might be funny. it will be raw and like an open sore that you are picking at even though you know better. this is the shit that I torture myself with, that leaves me with no hair and open wounds on my body, cause I can't stop tearing at my self. None is actively abusing me but me. there are assholes, and if you give it you will get it in spades, good or bad.
you have been warned.