Sunday, October 10, 2010

My friend and I were talking....

I have great friends (by the way) ones I know in daily life and my other internet family :).
so me and her(one of my friends0 are talking yesterday, (we met at therapy and have similar stories as much as it is possible.)
she was talking about closeness with a therapist, how when she has the right one and the bond is built, it gives her energy to fix her life.

(drawing a blank)

not with me. I don't trust the fuckers.

my first therapist/psychiatrist, was drunk the whole time she was dealing with me, and medicating me. I know this cause years later, she had to as she was working step nine, of AA.

when she told me I went cold.

this person who had me drugged and tortured, cause I was crazy, was drinking during most of it.

okay, FUCK!

I hadn't started my down ward spiral into drugs. years later when I did my 9th step. I had to make amends, and it sucked. and not everyone forgave me either.
and ya know what has occurred to me, I still haven't forgiven her.
that hate has eaten a whole in my life.
yes I know my spelling is off but I feels better that way.
the whole of my life, and my distrust for all people in authority, sprang from that moment.

Maybe it was the only way she could live with herself for what she was doing, in her life and to me. I doubt I was the exception to the rule.
still... FUCK!

I am just sitting here shaking my head, at a complete loss due to this particular break through of mine.

I love my acupuncturist, he rocks.
I love my physical therapist. she is awesome.
my psychiatrist is a good egg. ( her and my last one were awesome compared to some, still not great, but, what the F?)
I HATE my medical Dr. Hate him!
my therapist is okay, I don't openly hate her, I just like her. she is the Zen therapist, she will not argue with me, and she lets me colour with crayons.

on a side note. I went to IHOP yesterday (they do all things pancakes) YUM!
the waitress let me have scary face pancakes, they take whip cream and strawberries, and candy corns (which I hate)(so I didn't eat) and make a face on the pancake, it is for 12 and under. the waitress let me order it any ways. physically I am 40. mentally I am about 8.

I was in the ER the other day with my broken toe and contused foot, (long story about dark crowded rooms that need to be organised) and I was playing my Nintendo dsl (hand held game) and what might you ask am I playing? TINKER BELL!

My friend plays WOW (a fighting game) nope not me, tinker bell, or tink as we all call her.
so where I am going with this?

it has been a particularly hard week with some good and some bad things.
Progress is being made, I am facing my fears and working on hard shit.
I think my grasp on reality is doing okay, maybe not.
we will see how many times I melt down today while we are cleaning my room.




Tempo said...

Reality is vastly over rated Shan. Read the blogs around you to find most of us live two or perhaps three lives at one time. My reality sucks the big one! Kids that need to grow up and get a life, spoiled grandkids that will be a huge hassle for their uncaring parents, friends that care only for themselves...give me the cyber world anyday!
I suspect your problems with your therapist are but the tip of the iceburg as far as unprofessional professionals are concerned

Adorabibble said...

I know how hard it is out there for everyone.
that is what I love the internet, I get to know people, the real them.
and I have a few ideas as to that direction, it has been a weekend of realizations.
thanks for the comment.

Anonymous said...

I want a scary face pancake! It is fun to regress a little. Prompted Erick to comment, "Sometimes you're more of a kid than us." I just said when you grow up you'll understand.

I am planning passionfruit cheesecake today... I wonder if I have some red jam to make a scary face?

I like my 2D world, Tempo is right, 3D reality sucks.


Adorabibble said...

AV, that is why I love you guys so much, you totally get it.
I have great friends.
and yes make scary face pancakes, or cheese cake (CHEESE CAKE!!!!) passion fruit? that sounds great!