beloved

J saved my life, when he was good he was the best person I have ever had the pleasure to know. now he is gone, but still walking around, My ghost. the ghost that has destroyed my life. one of the Drs told me that J has less than a year at this rate. his mental illness, and his diabetes are a death sentence. I can't be with in three feet of him with out wanting to rip his throat out and I am not the only one he has this effect on, everyone else that has prolonged contact with him. drs walk out on him. his vitriolic abuse is getting legendary. I feel like I have lost everything. it would have been better if he had not survived the pacemaker and he just died. it would of been easier than watch the man I love fall to pieces one piece at a time, this horrid thing he has turned into. he is unhinged, and he isn't going to get better. slow heart beat or none at all is not conducive to higher brain function. no blood/oxygen to the brain for extended periods of time does nasty shit to the brain like kills part of it. short term memory, behavior, and every other damn thing. he is a walking nuclear bomb, that keeps going off in my life, this man who saved me, made me strong enough to deal with this. he knew he would not be here for ever and I needed to be able to take care of myself when he was gone. now he is falling to pieces and trying to take every one with him and I have to stay away from him for my own sake. this is how I repay all of his help. WHAT THE FUCK. seriously, really? what the hell am I supposed to do now? I am fucked in ways I can't even go into. sorry this is just starting to come out I have been sitting on this shit for months just trying to hold on when it would get better. when is that going to happen? never. how can I expect to have any self esteem, when the universe keeps kicking me in the teeth every fucken time i turn around. confirming what a great big piece of shit I am and how I am never going to be able to be happy, that I don't deserve it. Dear Universe, how much more? best, totally fucked? *REALLY*????? every day he destroys the last bits of my love for him. everyone is telling me to get as far as fast as possible cause it is going to get ugly and very tragic. this is how I get to treat my best friend and hero. I just want to start screaming and not stop. so I am grieving the loss of my love and soul mate. I have never been so miserable.