okay, FINE!

I am sitting here minding my own business. I went to see dr head dr. My psych provider. she has new plans for medication increases.
yes you heard me right she wants to once again increase my meds. as a matter of fact she increased them with out telling me and I now have extra meds sitting here at the house. I know she is trying to help. they are now sitting here like a giant white elephant. she also wants to put me on a 2X monthly shot of something I have been on before and tolerated well at the time. I remember that I found the world with a fine mesh of cheese cloth over everything. a barrier between me and the world. and oh by the way it makes you fat, and you get to gain all the weight back that i am losing. I can see where chunks of fat are leaving my arms and legs. and I am still 420lbs. it is coming off, just really slow.

and food? I have had to completely had to change my eating. Dairy is a no-no, just because it wont stay down, and god help me if it does. Food used to be my favorite thing, not it is a chore, torture... is it going to stay down? what is it going to do to me if it does? and now shots.

I remember the days of force medication, when they would subdue me (IE beat the shit out of me) tie me down and shoot me up for my own protection. can you imagine being 15 years old, and you have had a suicide attempt, so they put you in API, the state run psychiatric facility, not a nice place. I was on suicide watch, so you sleep outside the nurses station. there was another girl there. I go to sleep. she attacks me in my sleep. I fight back, next thing I know I have six grown men try to subdue me, and strip me naked, and tie me to a cold metal table with 4 point restraints, they then shoot me up full of Thorazine, and the needle breaks off in my leg I am bucking so hard. they have to remove it, they do so with me tied to the table, naked and screaming for my life. they then left me. I screamed myself into the void. it took weeks for my leg to work right.

so you can see where I sit with getting shots twice a month, she has them ordered, and when I go in a month she expects me to take them. I am really scared. I know I am falling apart, but that is nothing new for me, I am always falling apart.
what would be so bad to have someone look at me the way Sting looks at Trudie. I don’t think it exists for me. love is something I suck at...
so now it is off to the internet and the pills I have in my house, FUCK! why is this so hard.