Its been months

So here I am, a little after 1 am in the morning typing, why am I not sleeping? Just way too stressed.
seems like years since I wrote anything. and I HAD all of these good ideas until I sit at the keyboard.
then not a fucken thing will come to mind except how stressed I am.
I had to stop smoking, my throat is all kinds of tore up, due to all of the puking I still do. (part of it is stress but part of it is the Gastroparesis that my poor stomach suffers from, it just doesn't want to dump my food into the rest of my digestive system, so it sits there are rots till I puke) I have bleeders in my throat so when i was puking there was blood, RED blood, never a good thing. (Don't panic, the bleeding has stopped, no blood in a couple of days)
So I am trying to vape (vaporize for the rest of you). and eat the stuff. I am really stoked about the fact that I have a machine coming to me, this machine makes magical butter, or any kind of herb infused butter (garlic, basil) as the company only works with "Legal herbs". My plan like so many others who get this machine is to make cannabutter, or oil or tincture. it has a handy decarboxylation feature which turns the THCA into THC. but THC is only one of tons of good things in Marijuana. Medibles or edible marijuana, is food made with marijuana, usually made into brownies.
Why stop at brownies? Anything that you can put butter, oil or milk into works too. Spaghetti, mashed potatoes, toast.... the list goes on if you can think of it you can probably cook with it.
usually you have to sit with a double boiler or crock pot or some thing for extended periods of time it is labor intensive and takes allot of time and energy and you CAN SERIOUSLY screw it up.
the magical butter machine is so awesome it does it all for you. I have extensively researched this machine on the internet. I have almost no money. but this machine was too good not to be true. it has had AWESOME reviews by people who know about these things. Oh and the guy who created it, will talk to you on facebook, in your email, etc. he is very sweet and is always trying to do the right thing by his customers, go find his page on facebook and see for yourself, this is the way a company should do business, with its customers in mind. I feel safe and confident with my purchase and that it will do everything it claims with ease. I am not being paid by the company or anything, this is not a sponsored post, just my own beliefs and thoughts.
so there was my own personal infomercial. I expect the machine to be shipped March 15th and after that when I get it, I will try it out and give a better review once I use it. I will tell you right now this machine seems to do everything but suck your dick, well you get the idea!
well that ate up a half an hour. things have been crazy here, CT lost his brother, don't want to talk about it except he was a great guy.
I was just reassessed for services and since I looked so good they will cut my hours.(I have a beautiful place to live, I am safe and not being abused, and all of my stress is different this year, but it is doable) last year I dropped the fuck bomb every other word. this year I was polite and it fucked me in the ass like sand in the Vaseline. I will lose hours. even though I gained back 90 lbs this year due to latuda. I have been off of it since right before thanksgiving, and I have managed to drop 13 lbs since then but it really isn't coming off... well what the hell do I expect? it is right in the cusp of Fucken February and March Madness. right now I have to live with that the weight isn't going anywhere until summer hits and we all feel like doing something other than eating and hiding and sleeping... FUCK!
I am just trying to hold together until spring, but with spring comes the funeral, and I just don't know how to feel about it.
there are things I still just can't talk about. I wish I could. that is why I never write anymore. I don't feel like I can share my life anymore.
there are just some things that aren't common knowledge, Like how much CT's mother hates me and is actively trying to get CT to send me away because I am ruining her sons life. she is so sweet to my face. then tells him to send me to family. I don't have ANY family. I have one other person who would take me in, but I would have to leave Alaska, my HOME! all I have every known. I don't do change well. CT loves me, and takes really good care of me, I am his little sister- to him. FAMILY. His mother doesn't understand anything other than blood and marriage. you can be family and not be related, because you are related in your heart, where it really matters. I know CT isn't going to send me away, I am not a burden to him, I am not job. I am his friend and little sister. he is my best friend, but so much more and I would do anything for him. I try not to get upset when she starts in, but the other day I was reduced to tears. you know what? it was CT that held me and let me cry all over him until I was better. He is always there when I need him, I don't know if you guys understands what he means to me. he keeps me safe. and all I want for him is to be happy. and when someone says something contrary to that I get really pissed. his mother treats him like a three year old. SHE SHOULD BE PROUD OF WHAT A GREAT MAN HE IS! He is one of the best people I have ever met!
Stupid shit like that, and the marijuana.
My father always told me that "if you paint a target on your back, don't be pissed(surprised) when someone shoots you."
My father is? right. (was?)(I have no fucken idea, that is the part of no contact that gets you, you don't know if they are alive or dead, and I really just don't care, if I did I would talk to them, so I am great with my decision, it has saved me so much heart ache and abuse)
I hate being a target, opening myself up, and getting attacked.
I quit playing pot farm on facebook, you know why? MONEY. they want MONEY. it is all about MONEY, and if you don't have it you can't get anywhere in the game. I needed something and I tried every way I could think of to get out of it, they were going to force me, make me spend money, MY MONEY, MY WEED MONEY, My medicine, to play that fucken game. you know what I did, I erased everything and everyone who play the game. the shit doesn't show up in my feeds any more, or on any of my friends feeds, (isn't that nice of me?). I will never ever play another facebook game as long as I live. you know what? they suck rancid green donkey ass!
God damn that felt good.
So I tried talking to pot farm, for help, and the bullies swarmed me on facebook, calling me all kinds of names, people who I have never even seen before. that was the straw.
So pot farm and those assholes that play it can all go to hell together.
nobody talks to me that way anymore, without there being serious shit stirred up.
don't like what I am saying? you know how to leave this page and don't ever come back.
this blog is for me. it is nice that a few people read it, and even fewer comment(you know who you are and I love you for that) but everyone else can go fuck themselves YAY!!!!!
so that is that and now I am having trouble seeing the screen and typing is almost impossible. meaning my meds have kicked in, and I will be asleep soon, thank whatever! gotta go too many typos!
that is all, you may resume your day!
Later.