Girlie Wisdom

1. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

2. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

3. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

7. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

8. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

9.. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

10. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

11. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

12. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

13. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

14. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

(Personally I think people would get killed)

Don't you think it's time we all became more

physically active?


Beginning July 2009, a few friends & I will be riding 5 miles every day.

If any of you would like to join our Bike Club, please let me know and we can make arrangements.

I think it would be appropriate to ride somewhere between 4:00 and 7:00 pm.
We can call it happy hour, and pick you up on the way,

If it will make you say yes.
I have attached a photo of my bike.







** This should help those of us with knee problems! Exercise*

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(Personally I think people would get killed)

( O )( O ) @}--------

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive
for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because
she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them.

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

What does 'Love' mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have
imagined. See what you think:

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'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got
arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8

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'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You
just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4

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'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and
they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5

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'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissie - age 6

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'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4

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'Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7

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'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss' Emily
-
age 8

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'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
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'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who
you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

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'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday.'
Noelle - age 7

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'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6

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'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at
all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8

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'My mummy loves me more than anybody

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6

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'Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
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'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7

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'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all
day'
Mary Ann - age 4

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'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4

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'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars
come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7

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'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's
gross.'
Mark - age 6

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'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean
it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8

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And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about
a
contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's
yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy
said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

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Assholes

Bobby died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bobby'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bobby'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bobby had two assholes.



'He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,

'There's Bobby with them two assholes..'