Adorabibble

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Irish Medical Dictionary?

artery.... The study of paintings

Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria..

Barium....................What doctors do when patients die.

Benign..............What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan..................Searching for Kitty

Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.

Colic.......................A sheep dog...

Coma............A punctuation mark

Dilate.....................To live long..

Enema.....................Not a friend.

Fester...........Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.....................A small lie.

Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid...................A higher offer.

Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.

Node.......................I knew it..

Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.

Pelvis.......................Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.....................Nearly killed him.

Secretion.................Hiding something.

Seizure.....Roman emperor.

Tablet.....................A small table.

Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour...................One plus one more.

Urine.....................Opposite of you're out.

2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure

Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives, Republicans orDemocrats it doesn't make a difference. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison, where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need. New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore..

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

THE BLOND MORTICIAN

THE BLOND MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
*******************************
I LOVE IT!

Monday, March 22, 2010

I don't like Mondays!~ boomtown rats

Lyrics:
The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload
And nobodys gonna go to school today
Shes gonna make them stay at home
And daddy doesnt understand it
He always said she was good as gold
And he can see no reasons
'Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be show-ow-ow-ow-own?

Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot the whole day down

The Telex machine is kept so clean
And it types to a waiting world
And mother feels so shocked
Fathers world is rocked
And their thoughts turn to their own little girl
Sweet 16 aint that peachy keen
Now that aint so neat to admit defeat
They can see no reasons
'Cos there are no reasons
What reasons do you need?
Oh Oh Oh Oh

Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot
The whole day down, down, down, shoot it all down

And all the playing's stopped in the playground now
She wants to play with the toys a while
And school's out early and soon we'll be learning
And the lesson today is how to die
And then the bullhorn crackles
And the captain tackles
(With the problems of the how's and why's)
And he can see no reasons
'Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to die, die?
Oh Oh Oh

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload
And nobodys gonna go to school today
Shes gonna make them stay at home
And daddy doesnt understand it
He always said she was good as gold
And he can see no reasons
'Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be show-ow-ow-ow-own?

Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like
I dont like (Tell me why)
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I dont like
I dont like (Tell me why)
I dont like Mondays
Tell me why
I don't like Mondays
I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot the whole day down

Jim and Christine!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older...

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Christine was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting in her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.