Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My temper...

I got into it today with MM (male mento)
read previous posts.
I gave up on FM due to the fact she went catatonic for 2 days and is a diabetic, with no way for us to get to her.
she said she can't help it. she fixates on something and starts to rock and she is gone.
I know, I used to rock too, and will if I am not careful.
I can't afford to leave and not come back.
she said she wanted to leave town.
I want to help but they won't take the help I can give they want what I don't have...
I am at a loss. Just like with my mother.

Now MM, I have been giving him homework, each day and he has been getting slacker and slacker.
fluff answers, mouthing the words.
we are supposed to get together and go over it every night.
he didn't get with me until 10:30pm last night.
(at a certain point in the day I turn into a stuffed cabbage.
all of my mental meds are at night the sleeping pills, pills for pain, antidepressants, anti psychotics and such, 20 minutes from taking my pills and I am stoned.
I would get a DUI if I drove let alone if I could even get to the car.
no stairs no decisions locked in my room like a stuffed cabbage.
this is my time to talk to my stuffed piglet animal and have long strange conversations. that make too much sense since I am the only living thing in the room.
I never claimed to be well strung.)
so I told him it would have to wait until tomorrow.
so it is my fault, that his home work didn't get turned in,
considering he make a half asses attempt to do it...
here is what his home work sheet is:
Daily Progress Sheet Name: Date: Day:
1) What was the highlight of my day? How do I feel about it, and why?
2) Why did it happen?
3) What was the worst thing that happened. How do I feel about it, and why?
4) Could I have prevented it, and if so, how?
5) What did I learn today?
6) What am I most grateful for, and why?
how hard is that? considering this means his life?
he hasn't looked at treatment, either in or out patient.
he is going to meetings.
he isn't holding up his ends of agreements.
he expects me to come to him and tell him what to do.
we were supposed to clean fridges yesterday. I had a 3:30 pm dr appt.
he could of come to me at 1pm and we could of at least done one.
Nope, and it is my fault.
today same thing at 3pm I call him and ask what are you doing?
thinking about calling me, not calling me...
My Fault again.
You see where this is going I hope.
I wish you didn't.
I said some things, things that I didn't like.
I wasn't mean I was honest.
I gave him back his checks and money and everything and told him 'here You crack head go kill yourself'
10 minutes prior we were trying to talk to him about communication, and blaming me.
"he wasn't going to be talked to like that he was an adult"
I gave him his shit back and told him to pack his bags.
I asked him later if he was happy with what happened...
I told him that what he was doing wasn't for me, it was for him and didn't he understand this meant his life? he has already lost his job, how much further does it have to go before he gets it?
he gave me some of the stuff I gave him back, and said we would talk tomorrow.
there is no talking only one ?, and how he answers it depends on if I will continue to help him.

I am sick of him fighting me about everything.
this isn't about me this is about him.
I just don't have much left in me.
I have my own things to fight and my own life and problems.

he told me on the way out the door as he was going to a meeting that it felt good for me to call him a crack head, didn't it?
it didn't.
when I was contemplating drinking again, some one put a bottle in front of me and told me to drink.
it made me sick.
I wanted the life I have now.
the one I have worked so hard for.

he would of enjoyed rubbing it in someone else's face.
that is the difference.
My heart is breaking for him and what he is throwing away.
and for the loss of our possible friendship.
someone else I love is letting the crack/alcohol/heroin/"insertdrughere" win and take them away from me.
I was hoping that getting this out would help, all it has done is reduce me to tears.
there is a reason my other half J has no friends.
I see now why, I wish I didn't.
cause the next person that asks me for help might not get it.
time to care about those who matter most to me.
Problem is next stray I see will give me those big eyes and I will forget all the heart break.
And I get up in the morning for this?
I am already on 2 antidepressants. a 3 will do no good.
helping people is supposed to help you?
do I need to say fuck again?
why am I doing this again.
feel free not to respond to the ?.
I hate that I care.


Tempo said...

Caring about other people is often hard and usually without gain... But we do it because we are the good people Shan.

Adorabibble said...

I know...
this is important at least to me.
I wish his life was as important to him.
you know that sums it up.
thanks Tempo!

Anonymous said...

I have just re-read this post. This morning I wasn't paying attention after I got to the MM post. I'll read your email about multitasking after the ouzo fog disappears. It wasn't beer o'clock tonight, too cold for beer. Damn, they had snow in the south, first time in 14 years. The weather we are having is most uncharacteristic.


Adorabibble said...

we are wet and rain almost torrential rain storms. I have some pics I will post later. I am getting some work done.
I just talked briefly to the person in ? and he wants what he wants from me and not what I am willing to give...

that seems to be a theme in my life. oh well I am off to paint. it will make me feel better.