Thursday, September 16, 2010

best of Craigslist from my home town!

best of craigslist > anchorage > FREE TO A GOOD HOME
Originally Posted: Sun, 20 Sep 17:36 AKDT
Date: 2009-09-20, 5:36PM AKDT

Have we got a great deal for you!

Have you ever wondered how your life would be with a hateful, cantankerous, rude, hypocrytical, opinionated, obnoxious, obese, angry, hairy, verbally abusive, and co-dependant Grandfather that your not related to?

His name is Leland, hes in his 70's, hopefully in poor health. Leland enjoys judging others and enabling one of his many criminal children to plunder various objects from his wives family.

If you enjoy suspenders, creepy non-audible chuckling, being referred to as "dickhead", generic old man comb-overs, random accusations of drug abuse, that old people stench that sticks in the back of your throat, rude judgemtal comments about your loved ones, watching your grandmother be maliciously manipulated into hating her own children/grandchildren/anyone, your house being cluttered with useless shit that he pretends he invented, and interacting with someone who is completely devoid of a soul, then we have the Leland for you!

Care Instructions:
1)Leland needs plenty of happiness to suck out of the area around him, so make sure that you provide him enough sacrifices. (I.E. children, cats, adult humans....really anyone extra you have laying around).
2) Make sure you have a healthy supply of ridiculous red suspenders readily available.
3)An elderly woman to follow around and order about.
4)Enough tools to invent really crappy things that for some wierd reason really have been invented before.
5)Thousands of dollars in cash or anything tradeable/sellable/pawnable so that his worthless, space wasting peices of shit sons can come and steal it for drugs.
6)Anyone that ever needs a favor excluding anyone in his family, so that he can have the immense joy and satisfaction of telling them no.
7)Cats to kick.
8) Children to kick.
9)Disabled people to kick.
10)Erection pills, he cant get it up alone, but he needs to jerk off to his diabolical genius. Possibly his inability to achieve an erection has caused some of his more "Fun" personality quirks.

As hard as it is to let such a wonderful person and human being leave our lives... We all feel the need to share this beautiful creation of god with the rest of the community, if not the world.

If you feel up to the task... PLEASE don't dilly dally around.. I imagine everyone will rush to respond to such an earth shattering offer... he may be gone before you can get to him.


* Location: Peter Creek
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


best of craigslist > anchorage > Shrunken Pet Head Amulet
Originally Posted: Thu, 19 Nov 11:41 AKST
Shrunken Pet Head Amulet
Date: 2009-11-19, 11:41AM AKST

Have the love of your life by your heart forever. I will shrink your pets head to the size of an amulet. You can then wear it on a chain or leather strip and have them by your heart forever. I can give you more details if you would like, just ask. Freeze the head for later or I can do it with a freshly removed head. Final results vary depending on size of pet as well as hair length. ALL this for a small fee of $100 or trades considered.

* Location: Every Where
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

best of craigslist > anchorage > Wanted: Pony
Originally Posted: Wed, 15 Jul 21:52 AKDT
Wanted: Pony
Date: 2009-07-15, 9:52PM AKDT

My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony.

I suspect there'll be what - about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely.

Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect.

Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it just kinda hangs out all day, so I know what kind of shape it is in.

If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession.

If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

* Location: Anchorage
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

best of craigslist > anchorage > couple looking for another hot girl - mw4w
Originally Posted: Tue, 6 Jan 23:57 AKST
couple looking for another hot girl - mw4w
Date: 2009-01-06, 11:57PM AKST

come join us and make it a threesome

* Location: anch
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
(I'm sure I know this guy from therapy)
best of craigslist > anchorage > Free Hot Tub
Originally Posted: Wed, 15 Oct 08:57 AKDT
Free Hot Tub
Date: 2008-10-15, 8:57AM AKDT

Do you need a year round way to water your lawn, deck, yard, garage? Have you ever wondered what a 425 gallon colander looks like? Ever really wanted a motorized dog bath? Today is your lucky day. I have a free hot tub. Yes it is complete and it is drained. I drained part of it and it drained itself the rest of the way. Where does it leak??? Find that and you have found the leprechaun with the pot of gold. This unit is perfect for the individual who knows no limit to frustration. The type of person who likes a challenge even when there is no chance of winning. This will build the kind of character in you the armed forces dream of. You will find yourself exhibiting behavior that you never thought possible, but ITS FREE!!!! You will need strong backs to load and a trailer. I will be able to offer short bouts of sympathy and witty banter while you prepare to begin your journey.

If this interests you, and it should because ITS FREE, you will need to call and schedule to come by and pick it up. Please remember, I am not a business as it is hard to make a living giving things away. Please call and let me know when you will be there as I have other things to do. I will not guarantee anything except you have your work cut out for you. I will not deliver it, save it, paint it, or take photos of it for you until it is on your trailer....again...ITS FREE. Please call me if you want it. [DELETED]

Coleman 411 � 5 Person tub
Has Cover
Pumps, heater, etc did work
Air injector pump has been disconnected
The rest is a foam filled crap shoot

* Location: South Anchorage
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

best of craigslist > anchorage > Dead Moose
Originally Posted: Thu, 8 May 10:33 AKDT
Dead Moose
Date: 2008-05-08, 10:33AM AKDT

I have a dead moose free for the taking.

It died yesterday, apparently of natural causes. I called Fish & Game to come and get it. Apparently, moose are a natural resource and belong to everybody, until they die, then they belong to whoevers property they die on. So, according to Fish & Game, the moose now belongs to me. Sweet!!

So, if you want a free moose, please come and get it before the bears do.

You could use it for dog food, or stuff it and put it your front yard, bear bait, whatever. If you live in the lower 48, this might be your best opportunity to get a free Alaska moose. I dont really care, I just want it out of my yard.

Please reply via email, I dont need all the animal rights folks calling me, its dead, and according to Fish & Game, its got no more rights...

* Location: Anchorage
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

best of craigslist > anchorage > Costco counselors standing by
Originally Posted: Wed, 22 Nov 09:02 AKST
Costco counselors standing by
Date: 2006-11-22, 9:02AM AKST

Thanks, you poor, needy woman for making one of only two Costco optical department employees your personal therapist as you dealt with the trauma of having to purchase your first pair of glasses. No, really, I was happy to wait in line while you had your hand held and quietly begged for reassurance that life wouldn�t end at the moment you put on your fashionable little eyeglasses for the first time.

After all, it was Costco. That�s what they are there for. It�s not as if we were in a store that specializes in high-volume sales and efficient service. It was completely appropriate for you to keep everyone else waiting as you acted like slightly deteriorated vision was a terminal illness. The woman behind the counter had nothing better to do than to spend a half-hour telling you that glasses are easy to wear and that you will survive the adjustment. The rest of us were happy to delay our dinners, shopping and commutes home from work as long as we had the satisfaction of knowing you felt just a teensy bit better about this major milestone of middle age.

The fact that you were actually weeping really tugged at our heartstrings. No one waiting in line wanted to tell you to grow the fuck up, or point out that you areen�t really all that attractive to begin with, so the glasses aren�t going to diminish your appearance.

I think we all just wanted to sweep you into our arms and give you a big, comforting hug so that, as your sobs faded and your whimpering ebbed, we could quietly run our fingers through your long, blond hair, hold your head in our hands and then suddenly twist it with great speed and force until we heard your neck snap.

* It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
these are a few of the better ones!!!!

1 comment:

Tempo said...

Just last week I was so very bored that I was looking at the wackos, weirdos and perverts of Craigs List here. I came across the 'Best Of' and spent a few hours laughing my head off... Good source of blogs for sure. Also it's good to see that there's lots of weirdness to go around..