Monday, June 6, 2011

while I am here...

I will discuss something that is currently bugging me.
I am losing weight. more than that I am gaining muscle and dropping size.
it may come to a screeching halt.
I cannot get my head wrapped around this.

MEN.

I wish I was sexless.
I don't like the looks I am getting.
it actually hurts when I catch a guy staring at my tits.
yes they are big, but come on, look at my eyes, not where you think my nipples are.
YOU SUCK!
we had a new tenant move in and he is "let me take you out to lunch," and "you are the perfect woman Shannon."
I don't let men buy me anything, you know why? cause I owe them a blow job for the lunch they paid for.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!
so I am hiding out in my room afraid of running into said asshole. (I am afraid of what I am going to say to him, it will not be nice.)
I am afraid for the next guy that is inappropriate. I don't know what I will do, but years of repressed actions for all the times I have been raped will be ugly.
I am really afraid.
I just want to be left alone.
this is seriously screwing with my head and my weight loss.
last time I was raped in 2006, the weight just piled back on.
maybe therapy tomorrow will help.
I feel trapped and I HATE it.
carry on with you life and thanks for listening.

7 comments:

Tempo said...

Obviously I dont know what you've been through and I have no idea how you feel but I can say that not every guy is like that, some of us are just being friendly, some of us just want a good life free from hassles and part of that is being nice to strangers.

Adorabibble said...

most of the guys I know are cool. this that I am seeing, others are as well.
this is just one of my triggers, big time.
thanks for the support!

Tempo said...

...and of course there are some real dirt bags that make the rest of us feel bad for being male sometimes...

Anonymous said...

You are amazing. You have survived and I admire your courage.

Tres Zapotes said...

Hi Adora,

the important thing to do is to stay the course for you. It does hurt when I was single and I wore tight pants, and all girls would look at was my bulging balls and dick. I would say to myself, "Is this all you are interested in"?

And then I would meet women who would only want me for sex, and then others who pretended to talk to me as a friend and then made a hard pass at me.

As you can tell, I too have been in my own way hurt by the opposite sex, and when I was 8 years old my cousin raped me, you may ask, "how could a 20 year old rape an 8 year old"?

Well she french kissed me and it shocked me, and later when I was a mature man, it made me fear women. Not in any turned Faggot kind of way! Just scared to open up and be myself.

So get it together, it does not matter that they behave this way, you have a choice, tell him the next time, if I am not too late to go to speak to his father.

Stay the course, and keep losing weight, and build muscle for you. And not for anyone else. And if you happen to get a look and a pickup line from anyone, be and feel complemented if you can't be mean, but if you can be mean, let it consume you.

At any rate, just know that I am a man, and I don't know and care what you look like just what you write on this blog, and what you comment on my blog.

love,
Jesse

Adorabibble said...

Tempo you are awesome~!

anon thanks for the comment.

Jesse you are awesome. I have been spending more time in the real world, so not so much here. still love you and your blog!

I really appreciate all the love and support!

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Got to let off steam occasionally, does us all good. Go for it...

AV