Sunday, July 24, 2011

Thank you

I have really great friends.

there us so much unfinished business with my mother.
I am not the only one who goes through this.
I called the hospital that my mother died at to get more info with out going to family.
that is something that I don't want to do, deal with that bunch of psychopaths.
I will hear back eventually. hopefully I can piece her last days together in my head.
I do love her, I just could not deal with her and stay safe. she had such a need to hurt, herself and others. can't stop loving and hating her.
hate is something that sits with you for years, it eats your soul alive and whole.
hate is allot like revenge, when you plan revenge dig two graves, theirs and yours.
I would like to get through this with the minim of fuss. find out what I need to know.
the vultures have already picked everything clean.
(my mother told me the last time I saw her last year that she wanted her stuff to go to some one who deserved it. I wished her luck in finding that person, and I would not discuss it further)
some pictures would be nice, that's all I want, some damn pictures!
but umm, yeah that is really going to happen.
I made my goodbyes the last time I saw her, as I had for years every time I saw her. Maybe that is why there are no tears as they were all cried such a very long time ago. and there are so many of them left in other areas that I need my tears for me.
that was the decision that I made years ago: me or Her. I tried for a long time to try to give us both what we wanted, at my total expense.
that is the way it was her or me.
I knew her better than anyone else ever did, I kept her secrets and held her pain, and she abused me terribly. She Always came first. that was no way to live my life.
I wanted all the things I saw other have. I finally have that.
I am happy.
she is dead, and gone.
life goes on.
I miss what could have been but I have had that all my live wanting what others had.
thanks so much for all the love.
you guys rock.

1 comment:

Beth said...

Much love and oodles of hugs to you, Bib <3 <3 <3