I blog. I guess you could say.
I babble that you can say.
I have been sick.
I have allot of lovely blog friends, and through this process I have grown due to knowing these wonderful people.
but with life things happen and things change and people move in and out of your life. Not just in the blog world.
I have discussed My mother, the female biological, that fucked me up so much.
she will be 66 this year. I had a dream a while back that she would be dead between her birthday and Halloween, this year. that is 15 days apart.
I found out that my mother is sick.... about a week ago.
My mother is sick and has been for years. she is a hypo.
she has had cancer 3 times. and in 1976 to 78 she had a JeJuno-ileal bypass. that was the pre thing to the lap band.
JIB is the classic example of a malabsorptive weight loss procedure. Some modern procedures utilize a lesser degree of malabsorption combined with gastric restriction to induce and maintain weight loss. Any procedure involving malabsorption must be considered at risk to develop at least some of the malabsorptive complications exemplified by JIB. The multiple complications associated with JIB while considerably less severe than those associated with Jejunocolic anastomosis, were sufficiently distressing both to the patient and to the medical attendant to cause the procedure to fall into disrepute.
Listing of jejuno-ileal bypass complications:
Mineral and electrolyte imbalance:
* Decreased serum sodium, potassium, magnesium and bicarbonate
* Decreased sodium chloride
* Osteoporosis and osteomalacia secondary to protein depletion, calcium and vitamin D loss, and acidosis
Protein calorie malnutrition:
* Hair loss, anemia, edema, and vitamin depletion
* Abdominal distension, irregular diarrhea, increased flatus, pneumatosis intestinalis, colonic pseudo-obstruction, bypass enteropathy, volvulus with mechanical small bowel obstruction
* Arthritis (cannot be controlled by conventional methods)
* Severe pain issues that are not fully understood
* Liver disease, occurs in at least 30%
* Acute liver failure may occur in the postoperative period, and may lead to death acutely following surgery.
* Steatosis, "alcoholic" type hepatitis, cirrhosis, occurs in 5%, progresses to cirrhosis and death in 1-2%
* Erythema nodosum, non-specific pustular dermatosis
* Weber-Christian disease
* Hyperoxaluria, with oxalate stones or interstitial oxalate deposits, immune complex nephritis, "functional" renal failure.
* Peripheral neuropathy, pericarditis, pleuritis, hemolytic anemia, neutropenia, and thrombocytopenia
The multiple complications associated with JIB led to a search for alternative procedures, one of which was gastric bypass, a procedure that is described in detail later. In 1983 Griffen et al. reported a comprehensive series comparing the results of jejuno-ileal bypass with gastric bypass. 11 of 50 patients who underwent JIB required conversion to gastric bypass within 5 years, leading Griffen to abandon jejuno-ileal bypass. 
JIB can be summed up as having: a. Good Weight Loss, b. Malabsorption with multiple deficiencies, c. Diarrhea, d. Severe Pain Issues That are not fully understood, e.Possible Death
As a consequence of all these complications, jejuno-ileal bypass is no longer a recommended Bariatric Surgical Procedure. Indeed, the current recommendation for anyone who has undergone JIB, and still has the operation intact, is to strongly consider having it taken down and converted to one of the gastric restrictive procedures.
once again from the wikipedia.
My mother had this done.
I remember her screaming as she would shit.
My mother has lived like this for the last 30+years. her sm intestines are necrotic and still inside her. she keeps having to have rectal surgery due to the acid, bleeding and such, they won't reverse the surgery, she is still 275lbs, at 5'3
She has liver disease now, hepatitis or such, as the complications say. she has had EVERY bad side effect you can have.
And the blood testes say she has the cancer enzymes in her blood they just haven't figured out where it is.
the source says she has 5 years if...
the Screaming and shitting years. that's what I call them. although she has had 30+ years of that so it will be far worse.
My mother is going to die a horrible painful death, she has for years.
shitting herself, always sick and weak, starving and never getting full. anemic, codeine is the only thing that stops the diarrhea.
Slowing losing her mind, that was never quite there.
See all the things my mother did to me she had done to her. and generations back.
the fact is my mother never stood a chance.
and if she had not taken the ability to have children away from me due to the abuse, I suspect I would have children that are as fucked up as me.
Now that being said. what now? NOTHING.
business as usual.
I am a single parent raising myself.
I have nothing for my mother. I barely have what I need for me and that is still up in the air.
every day has progress and sadness and joy.
The last time I spoke to my mother 3+ years ago it was the last time and I knew it.
I told her that she had to behave. that her flipping out on me was not acceptable.
she told me that she couldn't, I told her that I was her daughter and if I could behave so could she. (see how the roles reversed)
I told her that if she wanted to be part of my life that was the way it was.
she told me that I was not in the drivers seat of my life.
I told her I was and this was how it was going to be, and when she could behave we would talk again.
I don't have any contact with rest of family as they are all insane.
My mother will die with out me seeing her again as will my father etc.
that is just the way it is.
My mother took care of my grandmother when she was dying. that will not happen for us.
This is not a poor me. this is this is the way things are.
decisions were made long before I was every conceived. and those decision have had these consciences.
I have broken the cycle and grieve for my blood family. and I move on with my life with a profound sadness.
the monsters aren't. they were once as scared as I was as a child.
they never healed, made things right or moved on.
I don't hate them anymore. I rage at what could of been. the would of should of could of.
that is why I was a junkie for years and still in therapy.
I have 4 years, 4 months, 17 days, and some odd hrs clean.
it is working and I have the life I never dreamed possible.
I am still untangling the razor blades of my life.
untangle, get cut, heal, repeat.
this is my path.
others have there's.
I love all of you even the ones I don't know.
if someone has hurt you. I am sorry.
I know that no one gets away with anything... I never have.
and monsters, are just people in bad situations with bad choices or none that they can find.
Put them in the light of day and you will see how sad and scared they really are.
"The point of power is in the present moment:" ... and that is also where the fun is.
I don't have tomorrow. I have right now and the love of great people.
Find what makes your heart sing and do it.
thanks for reading!
love and fishy fishes,