Friday, December 4, 2009


October, November, and good old December are the worst time of year for me.
my families b-days, my grandmothers death, the last time I was raped, my 20th wedding anniversary(if I had stayed married I would be dead as he would of killed me long before now), and my last suicide attempt that brought me to where I am now.

Yesterday I had a major psychotic break.

I was laughing/crying/vomiting jag for more than 20 minutes. hysterical bone wrenching madness. J was here with me and he was truly frightened. I have never done it in front of him before. it happens from time to time, when a valve in my head breaks and the madness comes out.
like being caught in a tidal force, hysteria crashing all around me.

I have never liked the holidays. I am working with that.
I have been sick now for 2 weeks with an upper respiratory infection, unable to work out. that is driving me mad, other things are going on that I am not allowed to talk about due to a pending law suit.

I swear I am on my last nut then I remember that you have to have a nut first to lose...

The farther out from a incident the easier it gets, (or so they tell me)
Come live in my head for a day then tell me that.
I have done things that I am not proud of.
I have done things that I am proud of.
what now? I keep my head down and keep trudging.
I am not scared of completely losing it.
I am worried about what it will do to those around me.


Michael said...

All my true enemies are born in November, and I cannot explain why - which is why I tend to stay away from people born in that month.

Some months are your months, some months simply aren't.

Do you hate it too?
"If you're going through Hell, keep going."
Holy Holism!

Adorabibble said...

thanks for the comment Michael!