Tuesday, April 28, 2009

say good bye to mother...

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat that we put out in the yard, swiftly scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I (her husband), will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked!
I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard again!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation
would like to express gratitude or praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She
said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely
crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know
if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in
the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have
"Tom was unable to hold me or the
children," she went on, "and every move caused him
terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of
Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were
unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible
surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering
voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the
hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor
rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up
and walked slowly to the
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the
word is sternum."

Maybe a course in medical terminology should be required for graduation!

with love ALWAYS!!!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
> Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
> rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
> choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
> Dear Mr. Thatcher,
> I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and
> I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
> Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
> dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
> in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
> revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
> to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
> you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
> in my pants.
> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
> haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I
> can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just
> a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
> what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
> Isn't the human body amazing?
> As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
> quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
> monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
> bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
> swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's
> a tough time for most women.
> The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
> crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants . . which brings me to the
> reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
> painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened
> an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were
> these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
> Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
> middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
> happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
> above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
> you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
> about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua
> and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
> Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life
> in a blaze of glory.
> For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
> moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
> something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
> 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.
> Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
> immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
> chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
> certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand
> of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
> Best,
> Wendi Aarons
> Austin , TX

God I love this woman.

She is my new HERO!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My Neno's award or why I love blogging...

I blog. I guess you could say.
I babble that you can say.
I have been sick.
I have allot of lovely blog friends, and through this process I have grown due to knowing these wonderful people.
but with life things happen and things change and people move in and out of your life. Not just in the blog world.

I have discussed My mother, the female biological, that fucked me up so much.
she will be 66 this year. I had a dream a while back that she would be dead between her birthday and Halloween, this year. that is 15 days apart.

I found out that my mother is sick.... about a week ago.

My mother is sick and has been for years. she is a hypo.

she has had cancer 3 times. and in 1976 to 78 she had a JeJuno-ileal bypass. that was the pre thing to the lap band.


JIB is the classic example of a malabsorptive weight loss procedure.[2] Some modern procedures utilize a lesser degree of malabsorption combined with gastric restriction to induce and maintain weight loss. Any procedure involving malabsorption must be considered at risk to develop at least some of the malabsorptive complications exemplified by JIB. The multiple complications associated with JIB while considerably less severe than those associated with Jejunocolic anastomosis, were sufficiently distressing both to the patient and to the medical attendant to cause the procedure to fall into disrepute.

Listing of jejuno-ileal bypass complications:

Mineral and electrolyte imbalance:

* Decreased serum sodium, potassium, magnesium and bicarbonate
* Decreased sodium chloride
* Osteoporosis and osteomalacia secondary to protein depletion, calcium and vitamin D loss, and acidosis

Protein calorie malnutrition:

* Hair loss, anemia, edema, and vitamin depletion
* Cholelithiasis

Enteric complications:

* Abdominal distension, irregular diarrhea, increased flatus, pneumatosis intestinalis, colonic pseudo-obstruction, bypass enteropathy, volvulus with mechanical small bowel obstruction

Extra-intestinal manifestations:

* Arthritis (cannot be controlled by conventional methods)
* Severe pain issues that are not fully understood
* Liver disease, occurs in at least 30%
* Acute liver failure may occur in the postoperative period, and may lead to death acutely following surgery.
* Steatosis, "alcoholic" type hepatitis, cirrhosis, occurs in 5%, progresses to cirrhosis and death in 1-2%
* Erythema nodosum, non-specific pustular dermatosis
* Weber-Christian disease

Renal disease:

* Hyperoxaluria, with oxalate stones or interstitial oxalate deposits, immune complex nephritis, "functional" renal failure.


* Peripheral neuropathy, pericarditis, pleuritis, hemolytic anemia, neutropenia, and thrombocytopenia

The multiple complications associated with JIB led to a search for alternative procedures, one of which was gastric bypass, a procedure that is described in detail later. In 1983 Griffen et al. reported a comprehensive series comparing the results of jejuno-ileal bypass with gastric bypass. 11 of 50 patients who underwent JIB required conversion to gastric bypass within 5 years, leading Griffen to abandon jejuno-ileal bypass. [3]

JIB can be summed up as having: a. Good Weight Loss, b. Malabsorption with multiple deficiencies, c. Diarrhea, d. Severe Pain Issues That are not fully understood, e.Possible Death

As a consequence of all these complications, jejuno-ileal bypass is no longer a recommended Bariatric Surgical Procedure. Indeed, the current recommendation for anyone who has undergone JIB, and still has the operation intact, is to strongly consider having it taken down and converted to one of the gastric restrictive procedures.

once again from the wikipedia.

My mother had this done.

I remember her screaming as she would shit.
My mother has lived like this for the last 30+years. her sm intestines are necrotic and still inside her. she keeps having to have rectal surgery due to the acid, bleeding and such, they won't reverse the surgery, she is still 275lbs, at 5'3

She has liver disease now, hepatitis or such, as the complications say. she has had EVERY bad side effect you can have.
And the blood testes say she has the cancer enzymes in her blood they just haven't figured out where it is.
the source says she has 5 years if...

the Screaming and shitting years. that's what I call them. although she has had 30+ years of that so it will be far worse.

My mother is going to die a horrible painful death, she has for years.
shitting herself, always sick and weak, starving and never getting full. anemic, codeine is the only thing that stops the diarrhea.

Slowing losing her mind, that was never quite there.

See all the things my mother did to me she had done to her. and generations back.
the fact is my mother never stood a chance.
and if she had not taken the ability to have children away from me due to the abuse, I suspect I would have children that are as fucked up as me.


Now that being said. what now? NOTHING.
business as usual.
I am a single parent raising myself.
I have nothing for my mother. I barely have what I need for me and that is still up in the air.

every day has progress and sadness and joy.
The last time I spoke to my mother 3+ years ago it was the last time and I knew it.

I told her that she had to behave. that her flipping out on me was not acceptable.
she told me that she couldn't, I told her that I was her daughter and if I could behave so could she. (see how the roles reversed)
I told her that if she wanted to be part of my life that was the way it was.
she told me that I was not in the drivers seat of my life.
I told her I was and this was how it was going to be, and when she could behave we would talk again.

I don't have any contact with rest of family as they are all insane.

My mother will die with out me seeing her again as will my father etc.

that is just the way it is.

It sucks.

My mother took care of my grandmother when she was dying. that will not happen for us.

This is not a poor me. this is this is the way things are.
it hurts.
decisions were made long before I was every conceived. and those decision have had these consciences.

I have broken the cycle and grieve for my blood family. and I move on with my life with a profound sadness.

the monsters aren't. they were once as scared as I was as a child.
they never healed, made things right or moved on.
I don't hate them anymore. I rage at what could of been. the would of should of could of.
that is why I was a junkie for years and still in therapy.
I have 4 years, 4 months, 17 days, and some odd hrs clean.

it is working and I have the life I never dreamed possible.
I am still untangling the razor blades of my life.
untangle, get cut, heal, repeat.
this is my path.
others have there's.
I love all of you even the ones I don't know.
if someone has hurt you. I am sorry.
I know that no one gets away with anything... I never have.
and monsters, are just people in bad situations with bad choices or none that they can find.
Put them in the light of day and you will see how sad and scared they really are.

"The point of power is in the present moment:" ... and that is also where the fun is.

I don't have tomorrow. I have right now and the love of great people.

Find what makes your heart sing and do it.

thanks for reading!
love and fishy fishes,

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I am so sick still and finally figured out how to post pics to the


fevers do amazing things. I will write more later. love all.

okay okay!!!

Cool! I got a nice blogger award!

Thank you so much to http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com
for the honors.

Thank you, Argentum Vulgaris!

The award is:

* a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging.

* to seek the reasons why we all love blogging.

The aims of this award:

* As a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging.
* To seek the reasons why we all love blogging.
* Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it.
* Don't forget to mention the person who gives you the award.
* Answer the award's question by writing the reason why you love blogging.
* Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like.
* Don't forget to notify the award receivers and put their links in your post.

I also would like to pass on the award to these people:

http://brokenmannequin.blogspot.com Charli!!

http://www.robotnine.com Alan... I know you are no longer a blog but I love you just the same.

http://judgingthebooks.blogspot.com Beth!!

http://hopelessbeliever.blogspot.com Julian!!

http://theartofjesse.blogspot.com Jesse!!

http://myspiderwebb.blogspot.com Ghost of M's wife!!

http://coyoteprime-runningcauseicantfly.blogspot.com CoyotePrime!!

http://psycheheartconnections.blogspot.com Linda Socha!!

Now my blog on my blogging& my love of it will follow soon.

Best of luck campers!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

sorry all.

I had an asthma attack that I had to go to the hospital on wed of last week, as result I am very medicated. (fucken prednisone munchies!, and tweaked like a scared rabbit cause of the inhaler) I am just starting to get up and around, when i will post when I can.
thanks all.
lots of love Adora.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I just DIED laughing...


Happy zombie Jesus day!




Saturday, April 11, 2009

As Promised The Illustrated woman!!

The illustrated woman.

Are you ready? for? this????










You can close your mouth now!!!
You can think that people today came up with all of there stuff on there own.
there should be absolutely NOTHING shocking about these pictures or the age of the woman in them.
everything anyone is doing has been done by someone else before them!
So there! I think she is beautiful. I wouldn't personally go that far. she has her reasons, and that is enough.
Thanks for reading and looking.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Bubba's Resume

Bubba's Resume

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.



PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:....

Dear Bubba,

It's OK, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.



they have an article there about memory editing drug.

Being that I have extreme PTSD. I have tried Propranolol, and Prasosin. one is an alpha blocker and the other a beta blocker.

being on meds for as long as I have, I have tried to many of them.

while these had some effect on me, the side effects almost killed me.

I am the one who doesn't respond to meds as should. if there is going to be an adverse reaction I will be the one to have it.
when they do my allergy bracelet at the hospital they always put "see list"
I also have eczema. which relate to my allergies of metal, (all except gold and only on my hands can I wear it, I have all these beautiful earrings and I cant wear them...) and my Asthma.
Along with food and chemical allergies.
I have taken 300mgs of Atarax a day for years, and I still itch...

Back to the point. I think messing with peoples heads, is as bad as the original abuse.
I know that the system has only fucked me up worse.
The system was suppose to protect me.
I was the liar, and when I finally gave them irrefutable proof, it was " that's nice nothing we care to do, take your meds and shut up!"

When are they actually going to do some good?
You know when they did for me?

WHEN, I stopped doing what they told me to and did the exact opposite.
I was so afraid that they would put me away cause I was crazy if they found out the things that I did to help myself?
Ya know what?
THEY couldn't do a thing...!
Ya know why? cause I wasn't being harmful to myself and others.
I found out if I couldn't tell my Dr, what I was doing, I found one that I could.
everyone knows what I do these days...
and ya know what? the only one who thinks that it is not enough... is me!

Fuck the stupid shit.
it is okay and that is enough!

thanks for reading....
love and fishy fishes.

Freedom sent me this link and I love it!!!


Now this opens the door to my next post, the illustrated woman. You HAVE BENN WARNED!!!!

My Guy is the best!!!!

Spring Classes for Men

@ the


By Thursday, 23/04/2009


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ...

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets204 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ...

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


Wanna know the best part? My other Half J. sent me this with a "I could probably use a few of these."

Isn't he just the BEST!!!! I think so!


Mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the ;family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend ? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!


You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?


7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9 . What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it . . at least one of these made you smile

Thursday, April 9, 2009

This is really gonna piss some people off so OHWELL......


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washingtonchemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Very stupid. and very graphic....

Today's safety lesson......
N-E-V-E-R, E-V-E-R, urinate on a 220 watt
3 phase electric fence!

Today's safety lesson......

Crispy little critter, huh?!
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!

always check you kids homework!

if you want to know more go here for the whole story


give AV a big smile while you are there!

Jelly fish bad day.!!!~!!!~?

Seriously, I have had my bad days... but this really is very bad and very funny...

the lovely story was sent to me by ALAN of www.Robotnine.com
Go and look at his page it is most great!

Ps. AV~ put your coffee down!

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Pass this on to all your friends, just in case they're having a bad day!!!

Cute ass!!!!!

Well, what did you expect????

having a bad a day?

Having a bad day?
Having a bad day?In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a bad day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000 per seal. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Still having a bad day???
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What! Still having a bad day?????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
**My? is WHY? did he put his return address on the letter?****
There now, feeling better???
I know I sure am!

H A P P Y E A S T E R ! ! !

H A P P Y E A S T E R ! ! !

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
Walk softly and carry a big carrot
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
There's no such thing as too much candy
All work and no play can make you a basket case
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
Some body parts should be floppy
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

earthquake around noon yesterday..


fortunately I was going to the bathroom....

deadly Scrabble...

Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:


The very lovely Charli, at http://brokenmannequin.blogspot.com
sent me this link. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf
it explains things, about my life and how I live it.
The author hit the spoon on the head.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

sping or whatever


go there and make your own.
happy spring to all of you and BREAKUP to us Alaskans.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

duck hunting...

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged…...

shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there
was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

And 'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter..

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage
done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.

'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye.

Friday, April 3, 2009

My lovely friend Caleb, who I miss dearly!

One year ago today I was leaving D.C., Virginia, and everyone I knew
to land in a place altogether different. The day didn't go dark right.
The mountains weren't to the west right, and I had no idea where I was
going to live.

Soon after you took me in, and I have not forgotten about you two,
(and Jeremiah).

So if I haven't said it in a while, thank you. Thanks for just being
friends and great managers. I never went without in Anchorage and
today especially I miss it dearly.

So thanks. I hope you enjoy the sun and the salmon run.

Much love,


I am up for a while as my hours are off due to being sick. and what do I receive in the email box, a letter from my lovely friend Caleb. he is just that great of a guy.
we (me and J.) would take turns to see who could hit his limit the earliest in the day with the most tasteless and disgusting jokes or stories...
My favorite what does an old womans pussy taste like...? DEPENDS!!!
that kind of stuff. (Hey I live with 15 men, if you are faint of heart you are reading the wrong blog...!)

Well J. has a baby elephant impression. he pulls out the pockets of his sweat pants for the ears, and then exposes the trunk... GRIN!!!!!!

that picture was at(Caleb and others) going away party to leave Alaska. and he was doing HIS ELEPHANT impression with his arm as his trunk, and he made the elephant noises. I was blown away by how good they were.
he spent the summer up here working and seeing Alaska, after he got out of collage. then when he was done he went back to his lovely girlfriend and started with the next stage of his life. he has stayed in touch. Caleb is thoughtful, smart and funny, and always apologizing due to the fact that he is Caleb (which personally I think is unnecessary, nothing he ever did to me was out of spite or malice) he just has his head in the clouds.
See, he is a deep thinker and VERY smart.

he is one of the better ones of us, in my opinion. and I miss him dearly and am very grateful for the time that he spent in my life, while chasing one of his dreams.

While you are missed,~ you aren't forgotten either my friend...
all my love Shannon

Why kids are funny?~!! even if they are religious!

History tests
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us adults and therefore no time to war or argue.
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock hich is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a ramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
----------------------------------- --------------------------------
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
------------------------ -------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he w as born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she id. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

the best Living Will

This may be the best Living Will
I've Seen

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Cold Beer
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Mexican food
French fries
Ice cream
Cup of tea

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

Have a Drink - IT'S 5 somewhere

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Stupid children and their parents...

Subject: School Answering Machine.

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland , staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

MINNIE PAUZ the comic by dAdams

seriously funny and informative site at http://www.minniepauz.com

and Cartoons of Minnie and her hijinks!
Ain't it the Truth !!!

A woman goes to her doctor for her annual checkup.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. 'Eight and a half stone,' the woman says...
The nurse puts her on the scales and her weight is actually ten stone.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 8 !!!', she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high.
'Of course it's HIGH !!!' the woman screams, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender ... Now I'm short and fat !!!'

Flour and Water ...how come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?

And then when you add eggs and sugar ...

And you get cake ???

Where did the glue go ??? NEED AN ANSWER ???
You know darned well where it went ... that's what makes the cake stick to your ARSE !!!



Did you really think there was one ???

Kids Are Quick

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No,that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

The husband store

The husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are iimpossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

I am sick.

caught the bug going around and also a UTI. I am miserable and in a REALLY pissy mood (pun intended) I didn't say I had lost my sense of humor.

I have been in a mean mood proceeding being sick.
as my immune system breaks down, so does my ability to control my temper.
then the fevers start and all bets are off...
so when I feel less like pressed puppy shit and more adorable.
i will post~!
Oh boy, do I have great things to post...