Friday, May 22, 2009

my thoughts on meditation

I have been working on meditating. I have to do something. My TN is getting worse, it is ingrained the right side of my face, and is starting on the left. It is presenting it's self around my nose up to my ear and around my eye socket, it hasn't gotten under my chin, yet...

I am leaner, and heavier, I lost 50 lbs of fat and gained 60lbs of muscle. that has presented problems of it's own with my female organs. Nothing that I can't deal with.

I am trying to do more, and help more, but I can do one day, and I have to sleep for 2 days. and hide for a week. I spent all of last spring/summer in my room hiding, due to my face pain, trying to find answers. and learning allot on the computer. it helped me find what is so/so helping. and my PCP can only offer me heat/cold and meditation. Acupuncture has gotten too expensive. I can barely pay for my chinese herbs. it is sad when people ask me what I want for my birthday in 3 weeks. and I tell them, money to put to acupuncture or the chinese herbs, or massage/energy work.
pain pills don't work on nerves, and the nerve pills, are not an option. (see they work, too well, and they end up killing the nerves in your teeth, I have lost all of my upper teeth, and can't wear a denture due to pain, and I can't lose what lower teeth I have, due to the nerves in the teeth dying...)

So that leads me to meditation.
I have some Qigong (Che-gong) exercises and breathing that I do.

there are 4 of them that I do. Now don't go thinking that I am all graceful. I am 491lbs and I do them sitting down, to the best of my ability. I have the most beautiful piece of rose quartz in the shape of a heart that my teacher/person gifted me with. I put it right at my heart chakra

Now the heart chakra is important, (as are all of them) for me it is where my emotional pain manifests it's self physically. All the way through to my back. When they thought that I had a heart attack last December, it wasn't, it was from doing difficult work, through very difficult issues.
The pain was real. as real as the issues that haunt me.
So I have all my physical pain and emotion pain causing more physical pain.
As a very wise person told me "There are so many hurts that we don't know what the original one was.."
Some times I can see the first one then the ones that came along, then I puke and try not to think at all.
here is my lovely heart!

So I am also looking into autogenics.

from the Wikipedia:
"Example of an autogenic training session

1. Sit in the meditative posture and scan the body
2. "my left arm is heavy and warm" (repeat 3 times)
3. "my arms and legs are heavy and warm" (repeat 3 times)
4. "my heartbeat is calm and regular" (repeat 3 times)
5. "my solar plexus is warm" (repeat 3 times)
6. "my forehead is cool"
7. finish part one by cancelling
8. start part two by repeating from steps 2 to cancelling
9. part three repeat steps 2 to cancelling

Quite often, one will ease themselves into the "trance" by counting to ten, and exit by counting backwards from ten. This is another practice taken from progressive relaxation."
once again from the Wikipedia.

At this point I am looking into everything and everything that doesn't cost anything.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing, then I am, then I am gaining... then I am.

my person told me that I need to keep the water moving.

(it means that my water element is stagnant)
water flows, water has no fear, no worries. when water reaches a boulder in it's way it flows around.

I am to be like water, All I know is that i am in so much pain that I will go here and meditate.
but meditation for me is almost impossible due to the rabid weasel in my brain that eats my brain.

in my DBT therapy I am working on my quiet mind my wise mind....
so this is what i have come up with.


I am a stone in the bottom of the deepest ocean.
I am laying in the silty smooth ocean floor.
Above me is the pressure of the sea, covering me, flowing over me.
The ocean has made me smooth with time amd pressure.
Fishes swim by me kissing the ocean currents.
I am as old as the earth, the ocean.
I am part of every drop of water,
every blade of grass,
every grain of sand,
every crystal of ice.
I am in every particle of dust.
In every drop of water that has every been, that will ever be.
I am old as time and as new as my next breath.
I am part of every living thing past, present and future.
From a single cell to a super nova.
I am part of the earth, part of the magma, part of the crust, the soil, the plants, the animals the humans.
I am stardust and nothing, floating in space on a ball with all life and none before time.
Limited and limitless.

so there you have it. this is what I mediate to, or a version of it, it is different every time.
but relatively the same, as I have to keep thinking to the next part. when my mind won't slow down, that is the story I tell myself. when my mind wanders as it always does I go back to the beginning.
I am so sick and tired, of being sick and tired.

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