Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Okay, fine...

I have been sick, what else is new?
meds or the flu that is going around? no both.
I have been up and around. my choices?
stay in bed while I am sick? I would never leave the house.
currently I am running a mild fever, puking and the like.
I figure that if I am going to be miserable I might as well make the most of it.
for the 1/2 an hour that I was out I was walking the block. this is where someone takes me and "Mister walker" my walker on a drag. anything faster than the super slow speed I go is dragging. but a block in half an hour is not bad, well not for me. I wasn't even moving this time last year.
so I am in the middle of week 2 of going down on the elavil. down to 50mgs at night. well next week I am going down again 25mgs, I will just cut the 50mg tabs in 1/2.
either I will get really sick or it will be okay. (I am planning on both)
so off to PCP that I have not seen since July of last year.
god do I feel like pressed puppy shit.
Yippy skippy!
I am trying to get water down so my migraine will go away. if I can keep the water down, hang on a sec I have to go get a puke pill! I don't ever think that I will give up puke pills. they are my one saving grace. I got the kind that dissolve under your tongue, with the watermelon taste of death. then they give you an intense headache right in the front of your head. it has to be the nutrasweet in them, yes they put neurotoxins in my puke pills! nice huh?
well a choice between tearing up what throat I have left, or aspartame. I pick the poison.
try puking every day multiple times a day for years... nice huh?
I have to leave the house at the ass crack of dawn, well for me 9am. to go see the PCP.
I will need puke pills for that, I will get to the car and barf everywhere.
not like I have eaten anything today. didn't even get my smoothie today. which is made from cold pressed hemp protein powder, juice and sometimes oat or hazel nut milk, or fruit(if I have any) and sometimes Greek yoghurt. one must do what one must do yo get the protein in, that my body will accept. and if it comes back up, it is already blended so no hassles there.
do you hate when you get the hot pricklies? I do. usually this time of day I am under my heating blanket for say 4 or so hours. I sleep when I can. well not during the day at least I have a huge issue with that, for me. I sleep at night or not at all.
the PCP I see tomorrow brought up something, that one of his esteemed colleagues brought up last time see here:
my question is this:
they knew what meds I was on when the put me on the ultram, and kept subscribing it to me knowing this. why? if it could kill me at the doses I was taking then why did they keep giving it to me?
not like it was working any ways.
these drugs even though I need some of them are poison, pure and simple.
well the last specialist I saw is going to write me a letter to accompany the referral to the rheumatologist. they are far and few between up here that will take my government sponsored health care, actually there is only one up here, most have to fly to Washington state to get help.
so he said he would do this because I don't have drug seeking behaviour. I told him that if I have to do the pain clinic thing I am dead. My drug of choice was heroin. So they want to put me on fentanyl. nice can you say I will die if I go on them? they are the last line.
so what does this mean? I am fucked and not in a good way. well it feels like it.
so I go see PCP (there are so many other names that I have been calling him in my head all during this and none are nice) so I am not happy.
and it just keeps going.
do you ever feel like it is all too much? well right now it is. I have to go and get my meds down me. this was supposed to help and now I am all riled.
Okay, fine!

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