Monday, June 1, 2009

I finally took a shower!!!!

I have been sick and depressed and in allot of pain.
So I have been putting off showering.
(okay so I get a wet wipe bath every day courtesy of the cave troll, Hey there are perks of being REALLY FAT, and disabled, altho I can't think of any right now)
so I have help with things, lots of things as I am trapped inside my body, in a wall of fat. thinking it will protect me from the world... Another perk of being REALLY FAT, and disabled, altho it really doesn't seem like it.)
this being said being 400+ lbs for the last 20 years, and for a great chunk of it
(get it.. chunk???)
I was over 500lbs or right around like I am now and have been for the last year.
I am too chicken shit to kill myself quickly, so I have been eating myself to death hoping more organs will fail (any bets on which one next? the kidneys have already gone and come back so those are out)(place your bets some one could make allot of money here!!!)
in all seriousness it will be my heart next.
it is strong but not that strong.
my mother has 5 years to live (so I am told) and she has cancer for the 4th time and her liver is failing.
My grandmother had pancreatic cancer(?)when she had her surgery at 78, and at 98lbs soaking wet it still took her 4 months to starve to death and she went out screaming... She only died cause she didn't want to live any more, if she had fought she would still be here with me. she just gave up.
I figure that I will either get my head out of my ass, and do something or it will be one complication or another for the next 30 years.
they told me almost 4 years ago that I would be dead in 2-3 months, boy did my head come out quick and it stayed out for a bit. I fell in love for the first time in my life and was doing well. then it was one thing and then another, then another, then another, ad nauseum.

leading up to the last couple of month, (well who are we kidding life!!)
the dr.s and the experts all tell me that I am working so hard, and it is just one set back after another, this, that, the other thing...
My face is a mess, let me describe the pain... It is like having red hot electrified nails shoved into my face with a baseball bat.
Being raped is less pain full ( and I do have the experience to say that many times over considering that I was raped for the first time at 3yo by my mother)
Oh sorry I am getting graphic...
this is what i live with every minute I am alive, all the shit awake or asleep it is always with me. this is why I am crazy and why I was a junkie, cause I wouldn't exist for a very short time and I didn't have to be me... I thought shit I'm free, anyone who has ever been addicted to heroin knows that that is a lie. and that was one of many things I did. The dt's make you wish you were dead.
So now I am sober and have an extreme case of nerve pain, and guess what? opiates don't touch it, and the nerve pills, they will kill the rest of my teeth, as I only have my bottom ones and I can't wear a denture due to the face pain and the nerves swelling up in the top of my mouth.
wanna know what hell is? Dental appts!!! Remember pain killers don't work well if at all. so they goober(VALIUM) me up, till I can just barely stand then they do there thing. that is if My face hasn't flared up. and oh how I pay for it..

folks there is always a cost...
so I haven't been able to catch a break lately...


do any of you ever get a break?

So I have been in my room hiding, not really wanting to go anywhere, the sun light hurts my face, the sound, the breeze, all the movement and the high pitched whines and whistles.
(I am going to kill the next person that whistles around me, it feels like my ear drums are going to break, along with everything from the neck up is going to explode)
besides I can sit in my room and cry and nobody looks at me like I have lost my mind. (hang on it's med time my ear drum feels like it is going to implode.)
my coping mechanisms?
sunglasses, earplugs, breathing, hot/cold. and some meds and chinese herbs that take the edge off of it some times. trying to massage a face that the last thing it wants it to be touched, acupressure/acupuncture when I can afford. I'm on disability, and medicade is my only insurance(GOD FORBID the cover something that actually works?)
If I get angry or scared or at all stressed my face blooms
which brings me back to my shower tonight.
due to past abuse and current pain and size, it makes showers FUN!!!
I got a new night gown from the fat womans online store. I wanted to wear it.
Cave troll and J. said I could wear it if I took a shower, a real one not a wet wipe one.
It had been 2 weeks easy.
Grumpy, in pain, nauseas, and unhappy. I agree.
My shower or the comedy of errors...
first I take puke pills and a klonapin, (thank god I won't be feeling much for a bit, and when I do I am really going to hurt)
so they get me down there, and with the promise of wearing my new clean nightgown(freshly laundered and still warm from the dryer, I am such a sucker) I go to the bathroom.
bottom line my head gets wet and I am puking, EVERYWHERE. fortunately I'm in the shower, not so great for the cave troll who is in with me helping. he had to shower when I was done after the mess was cleaned up, and me too. so I will hurt here even more in a couple of hours as I am not a dainty barfer. I pull groin muscles when I puke.
so I had to get back to my room for some alka seltzer Gold to help my mucosal lining. Puking for all these years has ruined it. so we do everything we can to keep me from puking. tonight I just hung on and got through it the best I could. thank god I have those 2. I am very lucky to have such great friends.
I just took my nightly meds about 250 words ago, so I am sleepy and I am having trouble typing.
so of to sleep, shit. welcome to my night and all of my lovely nightmares.

Bottom line I get through and make halting progress (better than none)
sometimes the meds take the edge off of it, NOT last night.
I am clean and in warm clean happy jammies. what little hair I have got very lightly brushed, and I am going to go tuck myself in to an very lovely bed (Freedom thanks so much for the animaniacs blanket, it is just the best, I wake up between dreams and cuddle with it and imagine wacko beating the fuck out of what ever was last messing with me. Once again I have the best friends)
I think you guys are the reason I keep going, and for me some where in there.
it can't all be bad, oh boy my meds have kicked in I am Happy!!!!!


beth said...

I think you're freakin' brave and strong (even if your body begs to differ) :)

Adorabibble said...

thanks beth. it's funny when they notice the dark circle under your eyes, before how thin your face has gotten.
The pain is bad but at least I am alive.
thanks for your support buddy!