This is priceless – I had to share it!
THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS
"Our First Winter"
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen
for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees
and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as
far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush
covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time
ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that
day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back
and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with
coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a
couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined
in their fun.
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped
toaround minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our
cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had
another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in
salt and iced up slush That bastard snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel.
More fu**ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been
damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to
death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd
degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a fu__ing
deer on the way to casualty and car was written off..
Fu**ing bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on
every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c*nts
next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that
carrot so far up the little bastard's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours
to find it. If I ever catch the c*nt that drives the snowplough I'll chew
open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he
accelerates down the street like Michael Schufu**ingmacher and buries the
fu**ing driveway again.
Sixteen more fu**ing inches of fu**ing snow and fu**ing ice and fu**ing
sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court
in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick.
Can' t move my fu**ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.
Minus 20 and more fu**ing snow forecast.
FU** THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO IMMINGHAM