THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

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THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS



"Our First Winter"



DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen

for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch

watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees

and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as

far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush

covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time

ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that

day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with

compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back

and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with

coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a

couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined

in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped

toaround minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes

snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.

Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.

Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became

ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our

cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.

She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had

another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in

salt and iced up slush That bastard snowplough came by twice today.

Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th

More fu**ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been

damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to

death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly

torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd

degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a fu__ing

deer on the way to casualty and car was written off..

JAN 13th

Fu**ing bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on

every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c*nts

next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that

carrot so far up the little bastard's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours

to find it. If I ever catch the c*nt that drives the snowplough I'll chew

open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard

hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he

accelerates down the street like Michael Schufu**ingmacher and buries the

fu**ing driveway again.

JAN 17th

Sixteen more fu**ing inches of fu**ing snow and fu**ing ice and fu**ing

sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court

in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick.

Can' t move my fu**ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.

Minus 20 and more fu**ing snow forecast.

JAN 18th

FU** THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO IMMINGHAM