Tuesday, January 26, 2010

a funny animal story sent to me by an admirer!

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls
(too funny not to share!)

Those of you who have/had animals will probably appreciate
it more. It is a story that is hilarious in itself and the
person that wrote it is a good writer and made the story
even better. Enjoy...

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us
in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of
adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom
you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a
good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He
will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as
close to my face as he can get without actually performing a
French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no
discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried
every means to break him of this habit including locking him
in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost
over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the
cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years
overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for
family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like
more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 144 of my famous yeast
dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven
hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole
darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to
reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you
can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like
Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and
set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry
and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.
The rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve
the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was
empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became
a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like
a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin
Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I
swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds
of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be
OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours
for the rest of the night.

God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol
any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to
say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white
and pink He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed
for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the
dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a
sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls,
falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was
walking his front half was going one direction and the other
half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in
another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk
and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline
in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly
ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I
endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second
call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had
fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go
through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to
keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I
loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house
for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15
minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (144 less
12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the
console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp,
but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen
unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure
Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a
drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the
worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked
rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We
endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful
she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage
with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first
Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of
conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the
garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale
of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into
something. Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes
in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked
yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up
my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite
different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed
blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having
discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we
loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of
water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop
on the floor with stood the blast from the hose. It was like
Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously
no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on
my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants
off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading
enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through
the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that
had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we
took him home and dropped him off before we left for our
second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is
back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a
bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I
presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I
found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10
of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be
a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as
to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'

And how was your day?

funny stories are great!

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