Friday, May 14, 2010

it is what it is, isn't it? Never sure.

I lost a friendship recently, and I am kinda sure what happened but when they won't even talk to you what do you do?
I have tried to call and tried to apologize, but she wont answer or call me back.
she is a 5+ year friend the first one I had getting clean/sober.
she made a comment that she was telling on herself getting on the internet, looking at the Canadian Pharmacies were they sell narcotics with out a RX.

I made the comment that I had to, but 5 years in jail was enough to put me off from looking at them, or even thinking about them.
Kinda crass huh?

I look at drinking and smoking in the same light.
I could do both of them, and no one could stop me.
But I choose not to, I don't want the trouble that comes with such things.
Smoking = not being able to breath.
Drinking = pain in my bladder, being sick, and just generally sucks, and the people that hang around you are assholes, cause I turn into even more of an asshole, than normal.

now pills. I have always it seems (well since I was 14 yo) taken pills, LOTS of them.
and I hate them, REALLY. REALLY.REALLY. REALLY!!!!! ( you get the idea)

I used to love the damn things. and wanted to be physically ill, so I would have a reason to take them.

don't wish for things folks...
it sucks being in Chronic pain with over lapping conditions.
it hurts to sit and ride in a car, it hurt to pee and poop. sex is out of the ?.
it hurt to have a hug, brush what remaining teeth I have. to kiss some one.
air blowing on my face and certain sounds make me want to kill/curl up in a ball and cry~ but that is painful too.

I see my medications as a tool, so I can sleep (well not tonight, I had a horrendous nightmare and don't want to go back to sleep, but I will have to eventually)
live my life and do the things that need to be done in my life.

I know it sounds repetitive and that I am whining, all I talk about is pain.
that is all I know right now and for a long while back and to come.
this blog was started for me.
I am glad I have followers, but I don't do this for you. I do it for me.
This is the way I journal.

I am surprised that I have any followers. I lost 5 a while back.
Oh well...
I have never been popular. don't care to be.
Bottom line, I have to live my life and I am angry right now,
I don't understand, and it was never promised with the instructions that came with me that it would be fair or fun, or easy.
this is it for better or worse.

I have been pissing people off all of my life, why stop now?
I love my friends and my followers.
and I will keep learning about myself and my pain till it is my time.
the rest is just details.

I have no Idea if any of this makes sense, and I will be damned if I start caring now.
back to the nightmares.
hope you all sleep better than I do and don't dread it like I do.
it is what it is, isn't it? Never sure.


Beth said...

Kitty pictures. Good to break up the bad stuff with. Oh, Bib. Sorry life sucks right now.

Adorabibble said...

trying to make the best of it.