Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Of faith and devotion...

this will be a hard piece to read, even harder to write. if you are squeamish please don't read this post, it will just upset you.
now that the disclaimer is out read if you feel you can handle it. we are going to look inside my head and into my past. this is your last warning.

I lost my faith at 3, along with a host of other things. I would also say my virginity, but when you are forced, and raped. well I guess it doesn't count now does it?

I was told about God, Jesus, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and Santa Claus. this next comment will piss some people off but what the hell? like all imaginary things, you learn to discount all of it, as pure nonsense.
If there is a God he is a sadist, with a sick sense of humor.
hmmm... you say?
how can I say that?
come walk in my shoes for a minute. Don't worry, I promise it will hurt like hell.
My mother owned a gun, a hand gun a .357. a big heavy thing.
and she knew how to use it.
My mother would sit on her bed, the one she did things to me in.
that mattress had more of my blood than I liked.
My mother had a game, do you know what it was?
"I'm gonna blow my brains out because you don't love me enough"
I never knew if it was loaded.
I would cry and beg her not to do this, that I loved her, and to please for the love of god to stop.
sometimes she would smile and tell me she loved me and then she would hurt me.
sometimes she would pull the trigger and the gun was empty.
one time in particular she was doing her game and I smacked her hand back, the gun went off, and shot out the window behind her.
the police were called and she said that me and my brother was playing with the gun, and it went off. she got a slap on the hand had to pay for the window and we got beat once again.
hell she didn't even have to have a reason it was good fun for her.

I have a few friends that are particularly religious, very strong in there faith and belief. I applaud then for that. they have something that I have failed to connect to.
I love them and wish them well.

I can not subscribe to something that I don't believe or see the point of.
disagree with me, I believe in your right to believe and to disagree with me.
Just quit feeding me crap that I don't subscribe to.
I am polite and they take it as a sign that I am interested.
I will be 41 in June, wow another year has past already.
I think I am way past time that I am okay with what I do and don't believe.
hell? if I believe in hell then I must believe in God?
I don't have to believe in hell, I have lived through it.
I know exactly what people are capable of, in there sicknesses.
I had a family full of them.
how did this post start? I woke up screaming at 545am.
I have not been back to sleep and it going on just past 5 hours ago.
things that are my nightmares? you've been introduced to my darling mother...
isn't she lovely? don't you wish you had one just like her?
I have no doubt that she is not alone in her sickness.
so here is to the day that my mother dies, hopefully she will leave screaming like I woke up this morning. Oh and I am totally over being angry at my mother. (well I am obviously not but hell everyone lies to themselves)
so don't lie to me about some imaginary god that loves me.
I see no evidence of his great love.
everything I have I have worked to damn hard for.
I stopped believing in fairy tales alone time ago.
the video is gory, but you were warned this would not be a nice post so Oh Well!

just what I get from waking up in the morning.
today will be stellar!


Anonymous said...

Hmmm, pretty much in-line with the cartoon on Genes today. Me, decided there was better things to do than have imaginary friends on a Sunday, I was about 12.


Adorabibble said...

I was in a fit this am. I love all of my friends and I know that they have to put up with me, so I put up with them(I hope they get the best end of it).
it was a rough morning and I had a short temper. I know that what happened was just me getting more into it than they meant.
I still don't believe. I do however that everyone is entitled to what they choose believe.
I have touchy subjects and this is one of my hot buttons. This and politics and the last(est) world drama. will always rile me.I tend to stay as far away from it as I can.

Tempo said...

My nan was religious but would not go to church as she said it was full of hypocrites, she dressed up on Sundays and read her bible under the trees in her back yard. I admired her greatly but saw no evidence of god to believe in...I must have been 11 or 12 when I decided he wasn't real. Ive seen nothing since to challenge that belief.
Of course I can never understand your pain and the things you've been through but I really feel for you Shan

Adorabibble said...

Tempo, thanks for the love.
I know everyone has pain, mine has disabled me.
sorry that it comes across as bad, it was. but who has had it easy? no one I know. I am just still really angry, about it all. I am hoping with time and love that it will all work out. that is what I have faith in, time and love.

Beth said...

You poor baby, Bib. My heart goes out to the little girl you once were and to the woman you are now, living with such horrific memories. You are very brave to share them. Much love to you, Bib.

That was an intense interpretation of the Depeche Mode song. Thank you for sharing it.

Adorabibble said...

love you to Beth.