I just pee'd my pants laughing

Ok girls, if your husband is getting close to retirement or is already there, this may be in your future....



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips

to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred

to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she

loves to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter

from the local Target.



Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion

in our

store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban

both

of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.

Samuel,

are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance

cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at

5-minute

intervals.



3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to

the women's restroom.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the

employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from

her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing

management to lose time
and costing the company money.



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms

on layaway.



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the

children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and

blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.





8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began

crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs

were called.



9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as

a mirror while he picked his nose.



10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he

asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.



11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly

humming THE \'MISSION IMPOSSIBLE\' THEME.



12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna

look' by using different sizes of funnels.



13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he

assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES

AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:



15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited

awhile,

then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One

of

the clerks passed out.