Friday, July 9, 2010

Did I ever tell you what lovely friends I have?

The following is a conversation between My wonderful friend Freedom and myself about my mother.
it brought up some interesting points that I had not examined previously.
as this is my way of journalling I thought I would put up the conversation as it has helped me work through some of my issues with my mother.

be warned I will be talking allot about my mother.
it won't always be pretty. I will try to lighten it up when I can, this is my life right now. you as my friends, will get to hear about it, if you choose to read my entries.
It is a given that my regular readers and those who comment are the most wonderful friends that I can ever have. I love you guys! (and gals)

On Thu, Jul 8, 2010 at 11:58 AM, freedom wrote:
BTW: how's your mammy?

On Jul 8, 2010, at 1:19 PM, dorabibble wrote:

she wet her self last night really bad. her pca will be in soon. just got off the phone. she forgets what she is talking about.
and she is crazy I was telling her about a dream I had last night about being a bee keeper and making cake with honey and she asked me how bee's eyes taste...
I had to tell her I just didn't know, and re-explained it.
she is my mother

On Thu, Jul 8, 2010 at 1:14 PM, Freedom wrote:

Whaat is PCA?

On Jul 8, 2010, at 4:08 PM, dorabibble wrote:

Personal Care Attendant, bathes her etc.

On Thu, Jul 8, 2010 at 3:14 PM, Freedom wrote:

Gotcha. Where is your mother?

On Jul 8, 2010, at 4:31 PM, dorabibble wrote:
about a mile from where I live, she has a 1 br apt, the cat I gave her and a stupid bird.
I will go and visit Sunday when she has no one to care for her.
I expect to have to do some care work.
she pisses her bed at night.
I will bring some food and we will go from there.

On Thu, Jul 8, 2010 at 10:15 PM, Freedom wrote:

Why do you expect to do work? Do you feel obligated because she is your mother, or because she's 'apologized'. I hope you are doing the work because you have a giant heart and want to see no person suffer, no matter how much suffering they've caused you. You are a lovely woman who deserves only good things, Shannon. I'm glad I know you. I feel enriched with you in my life, if only your mother feels the same.

On Fri Jul 9, 2010 at 7:15am dorabibble wrote

why am I willing to do work? neither the fact that she is my mother or that she has 'apologized'.
basically she is a human being, and she is dying.
no matter what she had done to me, she is still suffering, horrendously.
she wants to stay home to die, I would want the same thing.
she hurts so badly, and she is scared/resigned.
she knows she is dying.
she is not perfect.
I want her to have a humane ending.
I don't like what she has done to me.
it hurts me to see her suffer, and if there is anything I can do as long as she will let me help her, I am going to try to do it.
I can't guarantee how she will behave, but I will not accept bad behaviour, or reward it.
this is not my job, she has a worker.
but she has fallen through the cracks, and until I can get the cracks filled, this must be done. I will not let her lie in her own piss/whatever for even one day.
that is not the kind of person I have become, the person you love, that loves you.
being my mother has not earned her anything, if at all just exactly the opposite.
being a scared hurting old woman, who only has one person in her life and only because they are being paid to be there, must suck.
this may bring me closure. it may not, I don't know.
I can't just sit back knowing that she is suffering, and that I can do something to help her, and until she warms up to me some more, this is what I can do.
I am not going to get anything, she is leaving everything to my cousins/other family.
so it is not like, if I do this, I will get ?????.
I will be secure in the knowledge, that when I was asked for help I did what I could, without jeopardising myself.
this will not be a easy thing, and it will suck, for both of us.
it is what I feel must be done.
It is what I would want and will have for myself, when my time comes.
I don't see how I can get it if I am not willing to do it.
she took care of my grandmother, cause she was told to.
I choose to help. in all of this I will get a chance to heal myself where she is concerned.
and hopefully she will have a chance at some closure, that is up to her.
her behaviour will dictate the circumstances.
thank you for asking the ?'s, and I very much appreciate the concern, you are a great friend.
I love you. hugz!

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